Struggling with step parenting

[natalie49]

Hi, I am brand new to the site, and this is my first post. I visited mumsnet to see whether anybody else had similar problems to me with regards to step parenting and associated struggles. Of course you do!

This is my story (bear with me as I am not familiar with the shortcuts you use to describe relationships etc).

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4.5 years. He came with baggage, 3 kids (13, 8 and 6 back in 2004) and in the throes of a messy divorce, but we survived his angst and financial pressures of getting divorced, and the kids lived with his Ex, which meant that we could get on with our own lives to a degree. He saw the kids on an adhoc basis, but he always kept a good level of contact with them, and we had them to stay occasionally.

Time has moved on of course, but not for the better. Ex wife has mental health problems which did not initially get diagnosed when the kids remained in her custody. Last year she proclaimed that she could no longer look after the 2 remaining kids in her care, social services got involved, and we were left with no option to house the 2 now teens, girl who is now 17.5, and boy is nearly 16.

I have never been a biological mother, and have found the past few months extremely hard, adjusting to having 2 moody teens in our house full time, and it is not a large house. We had to convert a double room into 2 single rooms just to accommodate them, which has cost us an arm and a leg. I really resent having them here, particularly now it is the school holidays, and am wishing the years away. SD in particular is very 2 faced and thinks she knows everything. I have been seeing a counsellor recently as I need to channel my anger and pent up frustration, as it was beginning to affect a previously rock solid marriage. I could write loads more, but really am just after a bit of advice on how to cope with this intrusion of space, lack of privacy and most of all TEENAGERS! Thanks for reading.

the freedom you have lost is for your feelings to come first. they shouldn't

you are confusing your problems, joint problems and his problems.

your joint problem is how you all live as a family and what support can you give your dh/he needs to be a good dad.

his problem is that his has two vulnerable kids that he cannot let down because they have already been badly let down by one parent. any child let down consistently by a parent is vulnerable whether they outwardly appear so or not. Being a dad when your kids need you should come before being a husband

your problem is that you resent their presence in the house and that you think the kids should fit into what you already have.

YOUR problem is not a joint problem. make it a joint problem and your dh won't appreciate you for it. Either you must change your attitude or onw way or another it won't work for anyone. which is wrong because the situation must work for the kids

Paperlantern, without starting a fight and bickering about some of the issues you raise, I would like to say that my DH also can not wait for both of them to leave home and start their own lives. He left his EX 9 years ago due to her controlling behaviour towards him which was due to her showing symptoms of bipolar and personality disorder, none of this was diagnosed at the time, then became a diagnosis of PTSD (for what we still have no idea).

DH loves his kids and has always been a good father, but he is not hung up on being the perfect father. He has minimal contact with his eldest DD, purely because he is not a doting Dad who has to call her every day or so.

He became a father at a very young age, and to be honest, enjoyed his freedom when he left the marital home 9 years ago. He will always care for them, but I do not think he will have a really close relationship with the 2 youngest when they leave home. Thats just his way.

He saw it as his duty to house the 2 Teens due to the fact that they were expressing concerns about having to care for their mother. He would rather have left them where they were, if a competent adult was in place. They did not go through an extended care process - Police got Social Workers involved when EXW was admitted to hospital after a 2nd suicide attempt and said that she could not look after the children anymore, when infact, they were looking after her.

We attended 2 Family Conference Sessions whereby it became clear that EXW's welfare was the main concern of EXW's Mother, rather than her own Grandchildren. At that point, we had to make the decision to rehome them. Social Workers were only bothered about the 15 year old DSS, not the 17 year old DSD.

When we announced this at the Family Conference review meeting, EXW's Church "carer" said that it would be very hard for me to adjust, and I just bit my tongue, saying yes, not realising the affect it would have on me at all. I am a first line carer because of my husband. He sees it as a "duty" to care for his nearly adult children, not an act of love, believe me.

So, put yourself in my shoes: nearly 50, never had kids (my dogs are my babies), did not want to become a mother at 48, and if I had wanted to, did not want to have to give birth to 2 nearly adults, who grunt and strop and roll their eyes when things don't go their way. Perhaps "Hate" is a bad word to use, I admit that, but I now realise belatedly, that I just do not want them FULLTIME, and have absolutely no choice until they go to Uni, or whatever they decide to do.

My fault, I agreed to take them in, as I wanted to support my husband, but we didn't really have a choice at the time. We then had to fight for 6 months to annul the maintenance contract via mediation and solicitors, as EXW felt that it was her right to continue to receive £1K per month to live on her own, as she does not work and still lives in the 4 bed marital home. We won that battle eventually, but the stress has been considerable, and has had health implications for me.

There, so stop judging me as the WSM, and understand, that I can not just press a switch that says that I should love my life and become a doting Step Mother, when infact this year has felt like hell on earth.

those poor, poor kids. their own father doesn't even want them there. none of the adults in their life want them. they're not welcome in (I would say their own home but it's really not theirs at all) the house they live in. i'll bet they're counting the days aswell until they can go to uni. some people really do make fucking up their kids into a work of art.

rehome? they are children not animals

If you'd talked that way about animals in the doghouse you'd have been pilloried and rightly so.

no you should never have agreed to take them in.

Oh grow up both of you, until you have been involved in a particular situation, how are you to know what the hell is going on? I was trying to be honest, but it doesnt get you very far on this bloody website does it?

Yes they are probably counting the days until they can leave. Dont most kids? Not my fault that they come from a disfunctional family. Their bloody mother should never have had kids, she is totally incompetent, and could not wait to give them away, that was evident. She mistreated the eldest when she was a babe, who avoids her mother like the plague now. All that happened well before I came along, and DH did not even know, until his own mother visited and witnessed the treatment.

Rehome - I think that is a phrase used very regularly actually, what phrase would you use?

Ah, those pesky double standards are at play again, aren't they!

It's quite OK for parents to ask for advice and support on MN as to how to deal with their feelings of resentment, bitterness and yes, at times, dislike of their DCs because they have been left 'holding the baby' by an errant spouse, or have raised their teens to be disrespectful and entitled - but woe betide a stepmum for asking for the same!

OP Noone has the right tell you your feelings are invalid - they are yours and yours alone. It's how you behave that is open to judgement - and just the fact that you are seeking support here speaks volumes!

Oh OP Your last post is one of the saddest things I have read on here lately. Those poor young people. I desperately hope your DH can learn that his children's wellbeing is more important than his freedom.

By a 'decent man' you mean a man who puts your life together ahead of his kids? I don't even know what to say to that.

It seems you really believe your feelings (and your husbands) are the important issue here and if you are coming from that perspective I don't think I can give any advice or insight that would be useful so I will bow out of this conversation.

Please try to be as kind as you can to them.

" Their bloody mother should never have had kids,"

nor should their father if he didn't want to look after them. cant you see that?

OP can I ask why you keep referring back to what their mother has done to them? this is about your feelings and how you are coping with having two step children living with you.

"Oh OP Your last post is one of the saddest things I have read on here lately. Those poor young people. I desperately hope your DH can learn that his children's wellbeing is more important than his freedom."

DH does put his DC's wellbeing before his own, he wouldnt have looked after them otherwise. He just doesnt molly coddle them, but he is always there for them, and they know that. He is a good father but understands that they need to develop in their own way. They are not poor young people at all

Sorry cant work out how to do "BOLD" on here.

China

Whatever you seem to say on here comes back to bite you. I am glad that you seem to know what I am trying to say. I think I am going to stop posting for a while as it is becoming too heated. My counsellor, although pricey, at least understands where I am coming from, as he has had a similar experience.

who grunt and strop and roll their eyes when things don't go their way

Teenagers do this?

I agree with everything that StephenFry said. Those poor, poor kids

StephenFry

Yes the mother has been the catalyst to all of this, and she has caused all of our pain for several years, so I would like to blame her for the distress the children may feel. My husband carried her through 15 years of miserable marriage. He tried counselling and Relate through much of that to protect the children, but eventually gave up due to her unreasonable behaviour, and unwillingness to change. So of course that has left an impression on him. He loves his children, but feels heavily let down by the earlier years in his life whereby he did absolutely everything in the home as well as holding down a full time job, and now he has had to restart the same process all over again, when he had moved on, whilst still maintaining an excellent level of contact with his kids. I feel for him, and he feels for me in that he has dragged me into exactly the same situation he had 20 or so years ago.

Life isnt always as simple as it looks is it?

OP, I admire the way you insist on having rights in your house, too.
I was a total pushover and also felt that the dsc (who had a terrible, spoiled, entitled upbringing) had to be nurtured and mothered and would be loving and preferably grateful towards me, who also had not asked to have them in any shape or form
It got me nothing but heartache, tension and anxiety and I nearly left dh on numerous occasions as he was only making the situation worse by constantly pandering to their whims.
Then I grew a spine (similar to the one you already have, hang on to it!) and lo and behold, everyone decided to improve their manners, contribute to chores and be generally nicer, including dh.
Don't let anyone grind you down, your dsc are lucky to have a role model who shows them what a decent home looks like and how daily life is managed. Get your dh to set proper boundaries and keep those house rules, eventually you'll get there (hope to get there myself, but assertive behaviour is new to me and so I'll keep my fingers crossed for both of us).

ok- I can totally see why you would like to blame the mother and have reason to (I also believe your DH played a part in creating this situation whether you agree or not) however- blame will not help you feel better about this situation. it will not help you manage your feelings about it or towards the children.

forgetting about what is best for the family or for the kids or for your dh, thinking about what will best help YOU cope and adjust so that YOU are feeling more comfortable about it I think you need to accept that this IS the situation at least for the next couple of years so you need to decide what is best going to get you through it and I honestly think blaming anyone at all is holding you back from that. regardless of who is to blame, the situation is what it is and wont change by being angry with their mother. can you accept that?

ReluctantMum

You need to try and be more practical about this. I completely understand that MN is probably the first place you have been able to honestly vent your frustrations but I think you would be better trying to work out how you can make the situation better rather than focusing on the injustices of it all.
You can not do anything about what has happened in the past. It is also pointless to wish you had nice non-eye-rolling step teens.

The situation is what it is and you have to work out the best way to deal with it. I think that letting go of your hatred and anger would be a huge step forward.

I would try and slowly build some type of relationship with them. Obviously, not a parental type relationship just one where you can all support one another a little. They are not little children but they have had what sounds like an awful home life and I bet they would benefit from every bit of support they can get.

I feel desperately sorry for the whole family

I cross posted with StephenFry. We are both saying the same type of thing.

it's also worth noting that if your DH is playing the blame game or (dare I say it) the victim card then he is not helping you to get through it- rather he will be reinforcing your feelings of blame which is counterproductive if he wants you to feel better about the situation. it might feel good for him to have someone agreeing with him that EXW is all to blame but it isn't what you need. i'm aware that what you need isn't the most important thing for the family but i'm trying to approach this from the angle you are coming from yourself and focusing only on what you are feeling about it.

StephenFry

No DH is not playing a blame game at all, I have seen it all first hand for the past 9 years, and know how manipulatively cruel EXW was/is. He is doing nothing to reinforce blame, and did not create the situation that you mentioned in a previous post. I am not sticking up for him, I just know, from various/several family accounts, that EXW is not a nice person. Her children dont even like her, for heavens sake. She has created this maelstrom, and yes, it is awful for the kids, and they must feel very bad about everything, but when we tried to get CAFCASS involved 6 years ago, to attempt to right the wrongs about everything we knew was wrong, they stuck up for her case and granted her full custody with unlimited access.

To be fair, it is the legal system and to a degree, the mental health carers who are to blame, and we are now picking up the pieces, just when we thought things could not / would not get worse. I have to work at my own demons, but as I see from other posters, that can take years rather than months, and a lot of the posters are mums already, and I have never been one, so having 2 Teens thrust upon me is exceedingly difficult. Why do you think I chose to get a counsellor? I realised I needed to talk to somebody outside of the family, and also outside of my circle of friends. Coming on MN was somewhere I thought I could voice my opinions, but there are so many people on here who can not or do not want to understand my predicament.

I said he played a part in creating this situation. and by that I mean the whole situation, the marriage, the children, leaving the family and now choosing to have his children living with someone who has the feelings that you do about them. I doubt he was an angel and has behaved perfectly throughout the whole 25 odd years.

you are right- there are many on here whole cannot understand your predicament- just as there are family situations you could never understand. bear in mind that MN is a huge community- there will be varying on opinions on any subject you could think to speak about so do not be disheartened that some on here cant help you with this situation.

tbh quite honest I don't think you are willing to let go of the blame or the feelings you are holding onto and although I understand it is hard to change the habit of feeling a certain way, I do think it's necessary for you to do so if you are going to begin feeling more positive about this. I wont post further as I do find your attitude difficult to sympathise with which is what I think you are seeking here? and I don't think advice is really what you after.

SF - Fair enough - good job I have just spoken to my counsellor and booked an appt with him for next week.

Btw, I will defend my DH, he is a good man and an angel for 98% of the time, and we are the best of friends. His EXW lost a good'un who I had the good fortune to meet. He is a rare breed, believe me. He can be apt to lose his temper, but only when he is up against the wall (sting in Scorpio tail, which is what he is).

I know exactly what happened in his marriage. He tried to save it several times for the childrens' sake. He never cheated on EXW although he never got sex apart from 3 times in the marriage (tongue in cheek, but almost true!) He behaved impeccably throughout the divorce (first hand knowledge) which lasted much longer than it should have done, and he has always been there for the kids at the drop of a hat.

He has been and still is a wonderful husband to me which is why I am still with him. I didn't have the feelings I now have towards his children until they came to live permanently with us. We were always friends and got on well. This is a whole different set of rules/kettle of fish now and very painful to deal with.

So do not darken his name as he has done his best. I will not miss your posts.

In your OP you asked for help with how to deal with these teens and because of that you are being given strategies as to how to move forward and make the most of the situation.

You do not seem receptive to any of this advice and seem simply to want people to agree with you about unfair everything is.

If you just wanted to come on Mumsnet to moan and get sympathy you should have said so. There is nothing wrong with doing this and it would have saved a lot of posters the trouble of trying to give you helpful advice.

Emptychairs
Thank you for your kind comments, and you keep on going with that assertiveness, fingers crossed for you too.

Lethologia
I am receptive to advice but only when it is constructive and not damning. I do not think that everything is unfair, if you read my posts, you will find that I am finding it extremely hard to adapt to my current situation, and am looking for like minded people who have had to deal with the same issues.

I expect a lot of you are part-time SMs. I was for 8 years, now it is full time, which is much harder than the odd weekend or holiday week. Now my house and life has been taken over by Teens who are not my blood relations, and who just eat (loads), sleep and shit, without a single mention of thanks. Not to mention the astronomical cost it is imposing upon both of us. Did I sign up to "I will pay for my Stepkids and for them to drain us of any resources we may have had?" No actually, I did not. I was happy to be a part time SM.

And to you who go "thats what teenagers do", then I will reply, I did not want Teenagers - Full stop! I know that a couple of posters on here are really easy to talk/relate to, and therefore I will concentrate my efforts with them. They can obviously see both sides of the coin, and for that I am grateful.

I dont want sympathy, thats too late in the day, I want to hear real life stories of those who have dealt with this kind of situation, and how they managed to cope with it in their own way, to draw on their experiences, so that it may help me in the coming months/years. Thats why I visited MN, not to wail and cry over split milk. There are some posters who have given very positive advice that I have shown my DH. There are others who just like to chastise and create merry mayhem. Let them. I have a tougher skin than they think and any patronising comments will just pass me by.

Bring it on!!

Reluctant, I know their mother has mental health problems but is there any way she could cope with some access weekends? I know they are older (so its not quite access as such) but even if every second wknd they went to stay at hers? You can have done much valued time with your DH and its important that they maintain a relationship with their DM.

I can fully imagine your situation. It is one thing being a PT SM and a different thing completely to have your DSC there full time. I would definitely find it hard FT and my DP's DD is a really great girl. She's still untidy, leaves shit around and refuses to help out though. The dynamic would have to change if she ever chose to stay FT.

Is the normal way of existence?

I am at home today, and have hoovered downstairs, put the dishwasher and washing machine on, just about to put another load on. Taken DSS/D's off the line, cos they are too lazy.

I have been fucking busy all day, husband taken eldest daughter out diving, whilst 2nd daughter is working - good for her. Son has stayed in room all day. I am so pissed off with him, he is a little shit, sorry, but I am about to explode!