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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

OMG, cant take this seriously!

16 replies

Helpforthehopeless · 30/07/2013 23:03

My dp has just announced (by text, we dont live together) that my dsd has just broken up with her boyfriend of 3 months. I replied that they were not suited anyway, which they weren't. He replied "but she loves him". I said "plenty more fish in the sea". It's her fifth "serious" relationship and she's only 16, so I can't take it that serious, I suppose I'm being insensitive, which is why I'm now in the doghouse?

OP posts:

deleted203 · 30/07/2013 23:06

DP needs to grow up if you are in the doghouse with him! (As well as DSD). 16 yo fall in and out of love all the time. And a 3 month relationship is fuck all in the scheme of things. She'll learn. You're not insensitive - you're realistic.

ImNotBloody14 · 30/07/2013 23:07

Is he huffing with you? What age is he? Sounds silly. Surely he realises its just a break up and she'll be over it by the weekend?

TheFallenNinja · 30/07/2013 23:08

Ah, Love. The reality denier.

Original poster

Helpforthehopeless · 30/07/2013 23:14

He's 54, lol. She's an only child so everything she says/does is a massive deal. I just can't take it seriously as she was saying at the weekend that she was fed up with her boyfriend anyway! The dramas of teen romances!

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpforthehopeless · 30/07/2013 23:16

OP posts:

ImNotBloody14 · 30/07/2013 23:21

I think if it was her talking to you saying how upset she was you would make the right noises and tell her what she needs to hear but not with her dad! hes not going through the break up- he should be able to take the truth from you. What an idiot.

Original poster

Helpforthehopeless · 30/07/2013 23:27

They are abnormally close - another story! She see's herself as the "woman of the house" and has told me so in no uncertain terms! I've tried to be step mum, friend, dad's girlfriend, nothing seems to suit her. Think this is probably her attention-seeking as usual. Of course I'd be happy to be a listening ear in this latest tragic "break up", I was 16 once, but hey, another one will come along in a couple of weeks and love will be in the air once more, lol.

OP posts:

ImNotBloody14 · 30/07/2013 23:28

Ah! Have you posted before about their relationship?

Original poster

Helpforthehopeless · 30/07/2013 23:30

Yep. Bane of my life,lol.

OP posts:

thefattwins · 31/07/2013 14:08

Jesus, that sounds fucked up. I can understand that he'd be annoyed if you were insensitive to her face because although to us it's laughable, when you're sixteen it's a huge deal. But if this was my DSD my partner and I would be wetting ourselves over the drama of it all..

Original poster

Helpforthehopeless · 11/08/2013 23:21

You have made a very good point there thefattwins. I've just realised how rarely my dp and I "sing from the same hymn book". It always seems to be the two of them against me. Keep telling myself I'm being paranoid but it happens over and over again. Getting hard to ignore it now....

OP posts:

Anormalfamily · 12/08/2013 08:10

Hi Help,
Had this problem myself for many years. Came across mn and was told the close dh/dsd relationship was called spousification. Bought books on the subject, all very clear on how important it is to draw boundaries between parents/adults and offspring. The kids carry an enormous weight living up to parental expectations of being their "partner". Don't blame dsd, as I did for a while. It's all dh doing. I recommend reading Patricia Love or any other book on "covert incest".
Dh didn't like me pointing this out however, even after he had arranged a shopping outing with dsd (15 at the time) and called it a "rendezvous". She actually then declined the offer as she was looking to buy underwear and took her mum!
I'm sorry to say it took a remarkably insightful counselor to tell dh the exact same and he sulked, complaining that he wouldn't be able to act "naturally" around dsd, I.e. didn't want to parent her!
Anyway, we built a unit and dsd immediately recognized us as a team, dropped the lady of the house routine and we get on really well now.
It can be done, but not without dh on board. If you can't convince him and then see real changes, you should think about moving on... I kept at it as its my second marriage, all the kids get on and our finances are a bit tied up together.
Good luck.

Original poster

Helpforthehopeless · 13/08/2013 00:51

Thanks for the advice "Normalfamily". Im really struggling with this and have been for some time. Im fed up that dsd comes everywhere with us, dominates every conversation - cutting me out as soon as I try to speak. She will frequently stand with her hand on his shoulder, which I have found out means "ownership" in body language. He's admitted she became his substitute "partner" when he and her mother were growing apart. On the rare occasions she is not with us he will constantly text her. Like you, I have been blaming her but am coming to realise that it's actually him. I will try to get a copy of the book you suggest. I think it will help me deal with it all.

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ChippingInHopHopHop · 13/08/2013 00:58

I am sure I have read some of your other threads.

How long have you been with him and do you really want to put the time & effort in that it will take to 'sort this out'. It sounds like a proper nightmare and not worth the effort to me if he thinks it's fine and that you should take a back seat to their relationship.

piprabbit · 13/08/2013 01:03

How did he expect your to react?

So long as you make suitably soothing noises to DSD, I can't see a problem with this.

Original poster

Helpforthehopeless · 13/08/2013 22:52

I've been with "them" nearly four years. Thought things would improve as dsd got older but it seems to be getting worse. I do often think it's too much like hard work, but I'm a tryer, lol. Must admit I'm running out of patience these days though. Not sure how much more I can stand. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress, but it seems to be one step forward, two steps back. Dsd does seem to rule the roost, and what she says goes.

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