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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do we break the news to dss

23 replies

K8eee · 29/07/2013 22:25

Dh has a son from previous relationship. He lives over 200 miles away so we see him at school holidays but recently there have been problems and dh x is refusing for dss to come and stay with us.

Anyway, I have just found out I am pg with our first child, but I'm not out into the safe zone yet so were keeping quiet until then. Obviously dss will be told but dh x has demanded we tell her first before dss as she doesn't want to find out through him. Fair enough. The way we thought of breaking the good news to dss was by

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Original poster

K8eee · 29/07/2013 22:26

Sorry posted too early!!!!

....going to see him, take him out for the day/evening and telling him he'll be having a baby brother or sister being born. But before he gets chance to tell her, dh would speak to her on her own and tell her were going to tell him.

Can anyone see anything wrong with this?

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IneedAyoniNickname · 29/07/2013 22:28

Ad a rp who found out through my ds' that their dad was having another baby, I think its fine. :)
Congratulations

welshfirsttimemummy · 29/07/2013 22:30

Firstly congratulations

And no I can't see anything wrong with it. You and your DH should have the pleasure of telling your DSS so don't feel bad about that. I understand his ex wanting to be told by your DH so telling her when you take DSS home sounds fair enough

BlueBumedFly · 29/07/2013 22:31

Why do you want to tell DSS before X? She will keep it your secret I'm sure? Or no? At the end of the day, rightly or wrongly she will have to deal with any fallout, so is it so bad to let her know ahead of taking him out for the day?

I've been a stepmum for 10 years and also have my own DD, whatever happened/happens I do respect that some rules are placed for the best.

Original poster

K8eee · 29/07/2013 22:34

Blue we will be telling them sort of at the same time but dh x we know will go absolutely nuts. We don't want dss to think its a bad thing that's happening as she is already brainwashing him with 'daddy has a new family now' when we haven't got any children yet! We want the joy of telling him as he is desperate for a baby brother or sister, but want to make sure he feels as involved as possible

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halestone · 29/07/2013 22:47

I've been in the same situation we decided to tell the x before DSD and asked her to let us tell her ourselves. She never respected our wishes and told DSD before DP got chance. In future she will be the last to find out (the x that is). I think your plan sounds fine.

emilyeggs · 29/07/2013 22:51

Coming from experience I think it's right to tell xp first. She will be more prepared for the news and questions when dss tells her. Also, dss (like my own) may not want the added pressure of being the one to tell her the news. My own dss is quite sensitive and would not want to upset his mum and may find it a burden (even though I'm sure he will be very happy for you). Unfortunately, I only have this view as we did it the wrong way round. Hindsight is a wonderful thing

ChippingInHopHopHop · 29/07/2013 22:53

She has no right to 'demand' to be told first. What you are doing sounds fine (and I'm sorry she's spoiling it a bit for you).

Why has she stopped you seeing DSS? and what is your DH doing about it?

emilyeggs · 29/07/2013 22:53

Hale, that's not nice of her. I would be so cross!

emilyeggs · 29/07/2013 22:55

As my dh's x gf is quite reasonable I faild to see what it could be like

halestone · 29/07/2013 23:24

Emily shes not a nice person, however i know most parents are not like her and i'm sure the OP's DP's X will be over the moon for her. Well i hope so anyway. I forgot to say congratulations OP, i hope you have a lovely pregnancy

eslteacher · 30/07/2013 00:00

I think it depends on the ex. We'd tell DSS's mum first out of respect and because there's no way she'd jump the gun and break the news to DSS herself if we asked her not to. But if you think there's a chance your DSS's mum WOULD do that and especially present the news in a negative way, I think your plan sounds perfect. Good luck and congratulations!

NatashaBee · 30/07/2013 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

K8eee · 30/07/2013 08:59

We definitely know that dh x would try and make the situation seem as negative as possible to dss. It's awful to say that we want the enjoyment of telling him and to see his reaction (even if he were to be upset, we could then comfort him)

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UC · 30/07/2013 09:18

When my ex's partner was pregnant, he gave me a letter when he picked the DCs up. I think they told the DCs that day too. Although may seem to some to be a bit cold hearted to tell me by letter, the letter was kind, and allowed me to take the news in by myself before I had to deal with any questions from the DCs when they got back. I was pleased not to hear from the DCs themselves, I don't think that would be fair.

catsmother · 30/07/2013 10:24

We told his 2 and my 1 I was pregnant during a normal access weekend, all at the same time and all in person (as opposed to them being told by someone else). That meant we could offer reassurances, as well as answer, on the spot (and with accuracy) any questions the children had - such as who'd be sleeping where, how we'd all fit in the car and so on.

DP then excused himself at some point over the weekend and made a call to his ex to tell her the news as we wouldn't expect (the then) young-ish children to break it to her. Predictably, her response was nasty and negative and she actually made my pregnancy pretty stressful with all her spiteful remarks and sh*t stirring. She also played on and/or encouraged any insecurities the stepkids had about the impending new family member by placing a very negative slant on everything she possibly could. It was pretty horrid really ..... my baby was a bastard, DP no longer cared about the skids, when he called to speak to them and/or make contact arrangements it was all "I'm surprised you remember them", "daddy's spending all his money on the new baby" and so on.

Had we told her first I have no doubt the whole thing would have been even more difficult than it was as we'd have had even more nastiness to try and "undo" IYKWIM. It was hard enough anyway with what went on subsequently but at least in telling them first we had that very short period (until their mother knew) when everything was calm and where we tried to present the new baby as a positive thing.

If the ex is normal and reasonable then sure there should be no reason why she can't be informed up front about the announcement as a courtesy but regretfully there are some exes who use the situation to cause trouble.

halestone · 30/07/2013 10:38

Oh catsmother thats exactly what happened to us. X went as far as sending me a message telling me what names i could and couldn't call my baby. And even told DSD that DP would only love her half as much as he loved her now. This is despite the fact that she has had 3 other children since she split up with DP. She also sent a message saying that she wanted to know when i gave birth so she could tell DSD, she made the whole experience extra stressful. Due to this i will be giving her no information at all next time. But most reasonable people are not like her thankfully.

Original poster

K8eee · 30/07/2013 11:11

I would love to know how x's (the minority!) can be so spiteful and nasty. I know there are a lot of x's who are reasonable and wouldn't be nasty, but from past experiences with her I'm 95% sure she will taint dss perception. When dh and I got married she tried her hardest to make dss want to not be a page boy, but I'm amazed how he already has his own opinions and wants to have his say with what he does and doesn't want to do. We even have a voicemail of his mum shouting at him saying that she thought he didn't want to come and stay with us anymore, and we can hear how upset he is and he's trying to subtly tell her he does

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purpleroses · 30/07/2013 11:35

I think the way you're planning to do it is just right. You get to share the exciting news with DSS yourselves, but also let his mum have time to get her head round it before she sees him. You could even email or phone her "first" and tell her that you'll be telling DSS that weekend.

If your DSS is mature enough you might want also to caution him that his DM might not be so excited about the news, or even feel a bit left out of it all. - My DSCs just went back to his DM's on Sunday bursting with excitement because we'd just told them we were getting married - DSD had a folder she'd made full of plans, drawings of suggested hairstyles, bridesmaid dresses, etc, to tell their DM the exciting news. To which she said "Oh", and then "What are you doing that for?" - meaning DSD's folder. Rather dampened their enthusiasm.

Original poster

K8eee · 30/07/2013 21:45

Dss is under 10 but well aware of what's going on between his mum an dad and is already making judgements and opinions for himself. I'm so scared she's going to turn him against dh.

Would a text be a cop out on dh's behalf with breaking the news to her? Or should he do it face to face? We know she's going to kick off regardless though

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purpleroses · 30/07/2013 22:00

Personally I'd prefer a text on an email, as it gives you time to get used to the news in private. But some people are funny about things like that and feel they should be told face to face because it's important.

But face to face is difficult to engineer at an appropriate time. DP thought he should tell his ex face to face that we were getting married, but the only opportunity he had was when he was dropping the kids back - and they were hopping around all excited, which I really don't think was what she wanted to see. Would have been better done in advance, by whatever means. Maybe the phone is best?

Xalla · 31/07/2013 07:32

You can tell them separately but at the same time if that makes sense. My DH and I have had two babies together and have a third on the way.

We always told DSD ourselves while she was with us at the beginning of a contact period and then my DH sent Mum a text / called her at the end of the contact period to let her know we'd told DSD. I think we always felt it was important to tell DSD before anyone else and I know if we'd told Mum first, she may well have taken it upon herself to tell DSD but she would definitely have told anyone else who would listen or even put it on Facebook! We wanted to tell our families and friends ourselves, and privately. That way we told DSD first and then had a couple of days to tell anyone else we wanted to before Mum found out.

I don't think a text / email is unreasonable at all. Nor do I think Mum has any right to demand to be told first. It's your DH's place to tell his son he's having another baby. I don't know if there are any suitable for 10 year olds but maybe see if you can buy him a kids' book to back up the news.

Original poster

K8eee · 31/07/2013 08:28

That's the exact way I explained it to dh Xalla. I'm absolutely dreading telling her but I think she would appreciate some time on her own to get used to the idea

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