I've asked MNHQ...

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

.....if we can have a little 'note' at the top of the Stepparenting board, with a list of acronyms that cause offence - to ensure that posters get support and threads aren't sidetracked by inadvertent use of common phrases that are less welcome here on MN;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/1811572-Board-notes

So what is the preferred term to Birth Mother please. Years ago the term used to describe BM was real mother when talking about adopted children. I don't think that was very acceptable.

So is it that "birth mother" is seen on MN as a term of abuse, meaning a mother who has no involvement with her dc?

I don't think I've ever seen a thread where it's been used in that way deliberately - it's hard to understand exactly why it creates such a strong reaction from some people, because generally when you ask why it's not acceptable to use the term, the response is along the lines of "well, if you can't work if out then you're a dreadful person".

Surely there is a distinction between egg donor and womb lender anyway? Do we need a lexicon of MN swear words that are abusive in the eyes of MNers but are not the usual swear words, which are highly laudable?

So what is the preferred term to Birth Mother please

I've found that "Mum" often suffices, although it can get clunky if you are referring to a relative; it's easier to type "BMs Dad", than it is "the DSC's Mums Dad" for instance.

Its all part of the deep, almost primal reaction mothers have -even mothers who are step mothers themselves - have to another woman being involved in their children's lives.

People will always be offended by the SP board because it strikes at their deepest buried fears - ones they may not even be aware of themselves.

BM as a reference used by a step-'mum' to describe their partners DC's mother is what's offensive.

Everything on mumsnet is offensive to someone when posted by a step mum - and in fact I have seen the same story, posted in parallel, in one a "sm" in one a "rm" just to test the responses and seen the sm get a pasting and rm get support - when the fundamental issue was the same

There are sms on this board who are too scared to out themselves as sms and so have to disemble in order to get support

I've bounced the whole thread this is on but it's very pertinent

BM as a reference used by a step-'mum' to describe their partners DC's mother is what's offensive.

But that doesn't tell me why! It is a factually correct statement after all - so it must be something that the words don't actually mean, but how they have been interpreted, that causes offence?

Dear Reader,I have been much maligned as a step-mother over the years and so misrepresented, even I sometimes wonder what is truth and fiction. The sad fact is that people will always believe the child over the step-mother, no matter how outrageous the story and accusations.Take my step child, Snow White. Ran off and shacked up with 12 men in a squat. Doing so many drugs she thought she could speak to animals FFS. (Lets face it, she didn't get called "snow white" for no reason IYSWIM.) I rescue her from herself with an intervention and a stay at the Priory and what do I hear back? Magic Mirrors, wood cutters and poisoned apples! And people believed her. However, I know now where I went wrong and look back on those times thinking "If only I had had someone to show me the way". So here it is, dear step mothers. The Mumsnet Guide to being a stepmother. Instead of worrying, just ask "What would Maleficent Do?" and follow these 12 steps to become the perfect Mumsnet Step Parent.All of the following advice has been given to step parents in one form or another on Mumsnet discussions.1. You may call yourselves step mothers, because that is what you are. 2. It's wrong to refer to yourself as mother in any form as it detracts from a child's real mother.3. You should not try to be a mother to a step-child as they already have one. 4. If you don't act motherly you are rejecting the child and this can damage them and cause emotional problems later in life.5. It is OK to think your own child and the children of your friends and the children at your child's school are horrible.6. Your DH or DP's Children aren't horrible it is you making them that way as they can sense that you don't like them. 7. You must not declare that you love your stepchild or expect your step child to love you as that is not natural and they already have a mum.8. You should automatically love your step children and if you can't you are bad and should leave your DH / DP.9. If the children live with their mum, you should never change any payments of maintenance as it is unfair on the child.10. If the child comes to live with you, the mum should not have to pay maintenance as it is your job to support them as you chose to be with a man who had children already.11. You should not distance yourself from your step children as they will sense this and it will make them feel unwelcome.12. As an adult its up to you to put your emotions to one side and distance them from your step children as showing how you feel will make them feel unwelcome.You know. Reading this back, I think I can summarise this so much better.1. Damned if you do.2. Damned if you don't.Now, off you go and get back to being Man Eating, Child Stealing Whores Love, Maleficent x

Yes I can see why that's offensive in that context notanymore. But I would just use it to differentiate if there was confusion about the term Mother as in adopted Mother or Birth or Biological mother. (Hope I'm not getting into trouble here!) Also something else I'm not sure about. Is somebody automatically a step-mother because they are in a relationship with a child's father.

Strangely enough I couldn't give a shit if I was called my children's birth mother.

Viviennemary thats the differnce IMO. A BM signifies someone who gave birth to, but does not parent their child. Sleeping with someone does not make you mother to their children, calling the actual mother 'BM' supposes the new partner is on equal terms with the childs mum because they are sexually active with the childs father. The mother of the child is the child's mum! there is no need for further clarification (it makes the mum sound like some kind of breeding heffer thats been put out to pasture)

That's your interpretation - its my opinion that BM is merely an acronym used to denote a child's "real/actual" mother and in fact is being used to signify that the sm posting respects that in fact the BM is the actual mother in the situation - particularily in the context of the thread that sparked this one - which I have just read.

Well I don't think there is much we can do about the term 'step mum' at this stage notany, it's kind of ingrained in the English language at this point. I wouldn't mind betting it wasn't even coined by a step mum in the first place, although of course we will be held responsible for it.

Could someone please make a note that 'step mum/dad/parent' should also be added to the list of terms found offensive?

I think that 'officially' you are a step mum when you are married to the dad.

Actually the term step mother should be offensive - it stemmed from when a child was orphaned implying they have no other mother

wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_origin_of_the_word_stepmother#page2

If a new partner is happy with step-mum whats the prob? I just don't see why the child's mum needs any further qualification other then 'mum'. You don't stop being mum and somehow become diminished in that role if your relationship with the father breaks down and he goes on to have a relationship with someone else.

I was merely pointing out that the origins of the term step mother implies there is no real mother around

And whether someone becomes diminished as a mother on relationship break up rather depends on how that break up is handled

As in if you can't as an adult put your own needs to one side for the sake of your children - you become a worse parent - be that dad or mum

Yes. The primary role of mum and dad to the dc needs to be respected when either party begins a new relationship. Step-mums/dads come and go, your parents are your parents and everyone involved needs to respect and encourage that (where possible) IMO

Thee the mother's place won't have been diminished by a break up with the father and any new partner would do well to remember that and not treat them so blithely as a 'BM' as that would indicate they have no idea what they are entering into.