I've asked MNHQ...

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

.....if we can have a little 'note' at the top of the Stepparenting board, with a list of acronyms that cause offence - to ensure that posters get support and threads aren't sidetracked by inadvertent use of common phrases that are less welcome here on MN;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/1811572-Board-notes

Talk guidelines state that:

we do draw the line at obscenity, racist and disablist language, and wording that is truly beyond the pale.

Could it be argued that the term in question is 'beyond the pale', based on the reaction it elicits?

Good grief, how can anyone compare 'bm' to obscenity, racist or disablist language. Frankly, the reaction (or should I say, completely ridiculous overreaction) to bm says more about those reacting than those using it, to me.

Bm worse than c*nt?! On what planet?

China

This gets thrashed out regularly with disablist language - where is the line, what is disablist now that perhaps wasn't months or years ago?
Tbh I think the discussion is almost always worth it.
If you draw a line in the sand and say x is banned then why is not discussed. And sometime (not here obviously ) the why is interesting and educational.

So banning would always be my last choice personally. I know lots disagree with me and it leads to my reading horrid stuff around SN. But the discussion gives people a chance to express their story - their experience.
Again - I wy well be wrong but that how I fel about terms that upset me.

So you can chose to accept that or you can make sneery comments and try to argue that you are superior for chosing not to swear. And people who feel that swearing on a website which permits swearing should be free from such nonsense will argue with you

Ah, this is exactly what happens regarding the phrase we cannot mention too, doesn't it?

If MNHQ allows the phrase to be used, then those people who don't like it have a choice - accept it, or comment on it. It is the 'nature' of the comment that is key - sneery, judgemental or downright abusive (like some of the deleted comments on this thread).
Whichever it is, it derails the thread, and detracts from the support that the OP was seeking in the first place.

I think I'll call my mum a cunt or a birth mum and she which one offends her.

Or perhaps not.

But if you feel it is acceptable then you have to be prepared to argue your position.
I have been involved in more arguments than I could detail about disability and SN and some of thm left me weeping with frustration. But that's the deal.
The people on here arguing against swearing have been snide and sarcastic and actually not debated it at all. I haven't convinced then but they don't want to debate, they wnt to try and feel better about themselves and that's fine. They are allowed to do that. It's the way it goes.
But I have read loads of brilliant debates around cunt and idiot and special and such. It depends who rocks up tbh.

But if you feel it's important you have to kep having the converation

Frankly, the reaction (or should I say, completely ridiculous overreaction) to bm says more about those reacting than those using it, to me.

But that's the point, isn't it? It offended some MNers far more than disablist language, as that is their response to someone who uses the term "BM".

I've not been involved in the SN debates, but it's interesting to learn that the same issues are faced on other MN boards.

How are 'new' posters responded to on the SN board if they inadvertantly use a term that is considered to be offensive? Is the reaction similar to the recent ones seen here on the SP board?

"The people on here arguing against swearing have been snide and sarcastic and actually not debated it at all"

And the people who have been pro swearing have only used the 'its the done thing/fundamental part of mn' line. Or I've been here so very looooooooonnnnng. That's not debating a point at all either.

China
You are starting to sound a little absurd now.
If people use a term that is disablist they are usually told. Their reaction to being asked to think about using a term that people affected find offensive usually determines how the thread goes.

But tbh to start comparing offensive disablist terms with people posting 'don't use BM, it's wanky' is sounding pretty self indulgent

And you compare it to racism of all things???

I don't think anyone's compared it to racism - I've quoted the bit of the Talk Guidelines that refers to swearing, racist/disablist language and other comments that are beyond the pale.

One of the deleted comments upthread used a disablist term to describe anyone who uses the term "BM" - hence my observation that it is more offensive to some than disablist language, and with that in mind, wondered if it is a phrase that new members should be warned against using.

Actually I don't think I made that point Allnew.

I thinki said it was allowed, that some astonishingly supportive and intelligent posters swear and that to dismiss anyone who swears seemed pretty limiting.

I just don't see why it's offensive full stop. Unless its actually being used in a horrible way, or the tone of the post in general is offensive and horrible, then why on earth does it matter what the mother is referred to as?

If dh and I split up, and one day there was a woman posting on here about me and referring to me as the bm, I just wouldn't give it a second thought. I would be far more concerned with what the post was actually about.

I suspect mn will only be happy if bms are henceforth referred to as 'she who can do no wrong, giver of light and love and all things good' and step mums could perhaps refer to themselves as something like 'she-bitch, bringer of hate and evil and poison' - catchy eh!?

If people use a term that is disablist they are usually told. Their reaction to being asked to think about using a term that people affected find offensive usually determines how the thread goes.

That's not how it goes down here on the SP boards, pagwatch

A new poster using the term BM can be gently, or not so gently advised that its a term some find offensive and even after a genuine apology, those who are offended continue to post about how use of the term makes them undeserving of support and advice and challenged about aspects of their life that posters have speculated about wildly based on their one mistake.
Generally, the OP gets scared off and leaves.

Sorry if I've missed it, but what's the "correct" term?

This reminds me of the furore a while ago about saying eg sd instead of dsd - as if the absence of 1 letter on this Internet forum somehow means that you loathe your dsc

Birth mother is offensive, when used to talk about a child's involved mother, or BF for father. Of course it is.

My DD has a 'step mother', technically. They've never met her, nor are they likely to. She is married to the man who is DD's 'birth father'. He hasn't seen her since she was just turned two. She's now nine years old.

If (in an imaginary universe) he was in her life and being her father at all, I would call him her father and DH her SF, but as it is, DH is her Daddy (he has PR) and her bio father/birth father is just that.

I have a visceral reaction to being described as the BM of my babies, regardless of how much input their fathers or step mothers have. I am their mother. NOt step, not birth, not bio. Just mother.

Even if DH described me as the birth mother of DS2 (our shared child), I woudl find it horrendously insulting. It's a term used by adoptive parents to describe absent parents.

DH has earned the 'Father' handle by being 100% of my children's male parent. If they had other involved fathers, he'd be their Step father.

That is all.

Oh, and cunting gobblychops with a dollop of fuckeroo and wankmeister.

I have a visceral reaction to being described as the BM of my babies

Just when you are described in that way, or when someone on MN applies the term to another Mum?

When it[s used to describe anyone who is the actual, involved (and, lets face it, usually resident) parent of their children.

"I thinki said it was allowed, that some astonishingly supportive and intelligent posters swear and that to dismiss anyone who swears seemed pretty limiting"

So because some people you like swear that's your side of the debate as to why it's ok to needlessly litter posts with a load of profanities?

When it[s used to describe anyone who is the actual, involved (and, lets face it, usually resident) parent of their children.

Would you say your reaction is stronger/more viceral regarding the term BM than it is in response to other language, for instance, the language identified in the MN Talk Guidelines as not permitted?

So is it that "birth mother" is seen on MN as a term of abuse, meaning a mother who has no involvement with her dc?

Now egg donor is offensive - BM is simply an abbreviation used for ease of typing and clarification.