Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

needaholiday Christ can you imagine the flaming we would get for calling ourselves the parent of our step kids?!

I am not a parent to my dsd or dsd neither do I want to be. They have a mum and a dad. I will support my dp and I love my step kids but I am not now nor will I ever be a parent to them so I will not be forced into caring for them in the absence of their dad being available unless I.choose to

Exotic have you ever asked yourself how you'd feel of your DH had a child with another woman? Honestly, would you love it like your own?

I asked DP this and he admitted that, if I had DC that weren't his, he wouldn't feel the same way about them as he does his own DD. the he went really quiet for ages.

I agree with other posters' points about the timing. A lot of afternoon meet ups/activities start at 2ish and you would miss out on that. It would eat into your day.

I think it's a reasonable request of your DP, as it's only a couple of hours a day, but you are also reasonable to explain you don't want to initially. Maybe see how you feel a couple of months in.

If I met DH when he had a child I would have the choice and if I chose him then I choose the child too.
There is no way DH could pretend to himself that my second DC was a first DC - he got his first DC when he married me.

Jemma111 if I wanted to put older bio kid in childcare while bonding with DC2, some might judge but it'd be MY decision to make and no one else's business.

But I don't have any rights to make the same sort of decisions about childcare for my DSD. Yet I'm expected to accept the same responsibilities as a parent. And suddenly it's everyone's business.

And that is the eternal shitty catch 22 for SM's.

I missed out on all groups that start at 2pm-it is what happens when you have an older child.

If the DC is with you 60% of the time then I would take decisions for childcare- you are the one in charge if you are at home.( in that way a CM could well work- but you decide if it affects you)

Exotic everyone's opinions are valid and welcome on this thread. But I really do feel that unless you've ever been a SP you can't possibly really understand what it's like.

It's pointless to s

exotic Does your DS's biological dad support your DHs equal role in his DS life?

disclaimer - i know the term bio is offensive to some but I use it here to distinguish between exotics DH and her DSs Dad who she says is an equal parent.

decaff at some timed it sucks being a sm!

exotic for the love of god she is a first time mum ffs she doesn't have to miss out if she doesn't want to

You might find after the first 6 weeks or so that the routine of doing the school run is actually quite helpful for you, and might become something you really enjoy doing.

I ended up signing up for all sorts of classes and things for DS when I was on mat leave just so I had things I knew I had to do at certain times - having a baby is so immersive that I found it really hard without routine for me (never for DS though! He was on demand for pretty much everything!).

You seem to have built this up to be some terrible imposition on your time, but after 6 weeks (and I do think a few weeks is totally fair and needed to find your feet), there are plenty of hours in the day to walk/drive to DSDs school three times a week. It's not that big of a deal, and will help your DSD feel part of your new family. Which she is!

I equally wouldn't have the child in my house and not be able to parental decisions for that time.

I nearly became a step mother- I didn't go through with it - one of the reasons being different expectations on parenting.

I am sure the OP's DH can accept that the OP wont love 'his' child like she loves 'their' child but I imagine it might be hard for him to accept that she would not treat them with as equally.

But OP doesn't have an older child - her partner and his ex-partner do.

Lots of families keep an older child in some sort of childcare a couple of days a week when a younger one arrives. Partly not to disrupt their routine but partly to make life easier in those first few months.

In this situation, I would say that no-one knows what type of birth you will have or how you will feel afterwards and whilst I wasn't completely adverse to the idea of picking up dsd, I need time to get used to having a baby and working out what I can and can't cope with. Then I would want to pick her up as soon as I felt on top of things.

Most childminders require 4-6 weeks notice and, depending on whether you're planning to go back to work thus needing childcare, it may be worth keeping up links with the cm.

I wouldn't expect OP to love them equally but I would expect her to treat them equally.
The problem is in OP- 'we are expecting our first baby' - she is but he isn't.

Oops. It's pointless to say that I chose DP and DSD as a package. Of course that's what I did at the time and I thought I knew what I was signing up for and was happy about my choice.

I love DP and DSD. I'd sooner die than be without them. But fuck me, being a step parent is hard in ways you can't possibly imagine until you're right in the middle of it.

And dare I say it being a SM is harder than being a SD. Because we have things like maternity leave where people just assume that means you're free to do stuff for them.

Exotic I bet you never make assumptions of your DH in the same way do you? If he's got time off, do you fill it for him with things for him to to with his DSC? Or do you discuss it with him and ask him first?

eggs are you saying that any second-time mum who chooses to continue with the established childcare routine for their first DC is treating the baby more favourably?

I agree you need to discuss first!

If she didn't want to have to 'share' her precious first baby bonding time with another child in the picture then really she should have chosen a man who had no other children!

It seems to be always about how the sm feels, what about the stepchildren in situations like this ?

Remember, this little girl is having already to get used to seeing her parents for only half the week and she may feel excluded when she realizes her sibling will see their dad every day.

Decaff its the hardest thing in the world being a step mum cos whatever you do/say/feel you are wrong in someone's eyes.

You are allowed to be selfish, you will never get to be a first time mum ever again.

Talk to your dp and explain how u feel, turn the tables and ask.how he would feel if roles were reversed. It seems from ur previous post that he felt uncomfy when posed this previously.