Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

Nothing wring with a childminder if you had a second dc op but most mothers wouldn't put their dc in childcare just to avoid the childcare. And it may be your first dc op but it isn't your dp's first child. You have all day to bond.
I totally agree with Jemma1111 her dp's child should be part of a package. I never realised how selfish some step mums could be till I read recent threads on mumsnet.

Just to avoid the school run sorry not childcare.

pearly its not about avoiding anything its about taking the time to adjust to and god forbid enjoy being a first time mum

PW, the DSD is already going to this childminder after school, she's not being "put into childcare" specifically.

Bu that is my point the op is not a first time mum, her dsd lives with her more than half of the time.

That does not and never will make her a mum to.her dsd. She did not conceive, carry or give birth to dsd.

She is a first time mum and as such deserves the time to deal.with the adjustments that come with that role

The prob is people want to remind step mums constantly that they are not mums to their step kids until it suits them to treat them as such. F*ing double standards

If you apply that logic then adoptive mums are not really their dc mums because they didn't give birth. I am not saying that a stepmom is a mother in the same way as the childs mother. However they are a mum to that child and should love them as if they were their own. I don't intend to upset anyone but I see no evidence on some recent threads of step mums doing that. I think it is very sad for the dsc who have not only had to cope with a parental breakup they then have to live partly in a home where they are made to feel second class compared to their half siblings.

Adoptive mums have legal.rights and custody step mums don't.

No.one.is.suggesting the ops dsd is second class but she is not the ops child and the op.is.entitled to.enjoy being.a first time mum

"If she didn't want to have to 'share' her precious first baby bonding time with another child in the picture then really she should have chosen a man who had no other children!

Wondered how long it would take for that classic statement to pop up. Ignorance at its very best!"

The post you have quoted just about sums up my thoughts on this, Needaholiday.
Can you explain why you feel it shows ignorance?

Bu that is my point the op is not a first time mum, her dsd lives with her more than half of the time.

...and presumably has all the same responsibilities and privileges that come with being her DSD mum.

No-one has responded to my (tongue in cheek) suggestions that the OP should arrange her DSD's confirmation, or take her for her first piercings while she is in the OPs care. Presumably those posters who are adamant that the OP can't be a first time mum would have no problem with the OP making those decisions for her DSD independently of the biological parents?

needaholidaynow

I'm not being 'ignorant' as you put it. I'm being REALISTIC

The op lives with this child for half of her life, SHE CHOSE THAT LIFE !

Some people obviously feel that the SM should have no responsibilty towards her dsd, and are agreeing that she should'nt have to collect her from school if she wants to stay with her baby.
Wtf SHOULD the sm do for her dsd? shove her in a cupboard out of the way until dsd's dad gets home?, or not give her any dinner or whatever until dsd's dad gets home? after all she's HIS responsibility isn't she?

Do you understand now what I'm trying to say?

Every woman/man who chooses to live with a woman/man with children of their own should NOT start moaning and whining when they have to think of the needs of their stepkids !

FFS I need to leave this thread before some people do my head in even more.

It makes a lot of sense to wait until the baby has arrived and see how things go. Some babies are easy, some more tricky and you never know how it's going to go. I would very likely keep my DS in an afterschool place if having a DC2 so I don't see why the OP shouldn't. Plus it is not fair of him not even to talk to you before he 'decides' this stuff, OP. Are you his wife and co-parent or are you a nanny/servant who gets given their instructions and expected to get on with it?

I wasn't suggesting an adoptive parent is the same as a step parent,it was an example that you don't have to give birth to be a mum.

But a step mum is not a mum to.her step.kids pearly and that is.the whole point

Babyhmummy but she should be, the clue is in the name stepMUM

But you don't understand what I am saying. Of course you are not your dsd mum. BUT you should be a mother figure and treat her as you would your own child and love her because she is your Dp/dh child. Your post re not enjoying picking up your dsd made me very sad. You should be proud of her.