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Original poster

Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

534 replies

MinesADecaff · 07/06/2013 10:53

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

OP posts:
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needaholidaynow · 09/06/2013 22:23

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motherinferior · 09/06/2013 22:23

Well, my wonderful childminder was not 'palming off'. In fact I rather think that the fact DD1 continued with her life there 3 days a week when I had DD2 was a big factor in my girls' great relationship, in stark contrast to the bewildered boredom I felt when my mum produced my sister and I was supposed to enjoy being with this tedious attention-grabbing baby.

Rowanred · 09/06/2013 22:25

I wouldn't do it. I think you'll miss out on things with your baby if you do. With my first we went to so many groups and met up with friends a lot at all times of the day because we were all first time mums. With my second it's much harder. We have moved areas and all the baby groups are mainly 1st time mums so when you have to leave by 2.30 it's hard to really join in. I would compromise by maybe doing one pick up a week and the cm on the other 2 days?

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 09/06/2013 22:25

The OP hasn't mentioned having to catch the busto do the school run ????

Original poster
MinesADecaff · 09/06/2013 22:26

Thanks needaholiday, you've pretty much summed up how I feel!

OP posts:
babyhmummy01 · 09/06/2013 22:30

decaff I am due in august with my first and dp had 2 kids already so I know exactly how you feel! I only do school run once a week but it is my choice so Ian fine with it to carry on, tbh I collect them, feed them then pack them off to cubs and brownies so don't really see much of them. But I choose that as I enrolled them.in the clubs but otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. They are dp and exw kids not mine, they are resp for sorting out pick ups etc not me. I will happily help out if needed but only if asked and will happily say no if not convenient

Jemma1111 · 09/06/2013 22:32

Op

have you actually sat down and asked the little girl what SHE wants to do ?, does she want you to collect her with her new sibling or does she want to go to the cm's ?

I would guess her wishes have'nt even been given a second thought.

needaholidaynow · 09/06/2013 22:32

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karinmaria · 09/06/2013 22:32

I realise I'm wading in rather late here, but it seems it has been forgotten that it is much harder to find decent childcare than to cancel or alter existing childcare.

I have a two month old, who is my firstborn. If I'd been expected to go anywhere three days per week with baby two weeks after the birth (when most paternity ends) it just wouldn't have happened. Because I couldn't walk... However now it wouldn't be a problem and it would be a good marker in the day for baby's routine and enable your DSD to feel included etc.

So I'd have a chat with your DP, keep the existing arrangements but be flexible about when you can start to collect her. Talk with her too as she may want to stay with the friends she has made there, and if it's financially viable it would be a shame to stop that.

It's understandable you are feeling concerned and nervous about caring for your DSD whilst getting used to a new baby. However I do feel that needing six months to bond is rather a long time. Take it from this first timer - six months is a very long time in baby land and you'll most likely find you'll be feeling differently within two months of your child being born!

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 22:36

Jemma, apologies if I'm getting you wrong, but you appear to be suggesting its more important for the new baby to spend quality time with his/her half-sibling than for baby and mum to bond?

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:36

When I married again it was a question of 'love me- love my DS' - otherwise I would have walked away- my DS came first and he wasn't going to live in a home where he wasn't loved or you have one parent saying they can do a thing with their bio DC but not their step DC.

If OP was to have another DC in 5 yrs time she won't be saying that she can't possibly collect the middle one because she needs to bond with the new baby.

Luckily DH always says he has 3 DCs and he has never once said 2DCs and a step child- or that he can put himself out to collect DS2 from football training etc but not DS1.

If I was DP I would make it quite clear that the 2DCs in the family were equal- not that the baby is the favoured one.

racmun · 09/06/2013 22:37

I would say no. I got roped I to a similar thing once a week for my ss and to be honest I really resented it.

In the end I said I couldn't do it - it is a pita being tied for time and that's what is so nice about being a first time mum is that you come and go as you please.

Just say to dh you don't want to drop the cm at the moment as you'll need things to settle down and don't want to not have any support etc. don't mention time scales and just play it by ear.

Original poster
MinesADecaff · 09/06/2013 22:38

Jemma111 if it was up to DSD she wouldn't go to school at all and would just spend all day at home with me watching Ben 10 and The Amazing World of Gumball.

I think the person who actually has to do the thing in question should be the one who has the final say.

OP posts:
babyhmummy01 · 09/06/2013 22:38

exotic no one is saying baby is favoured but as a first time mum the op deserves the right to be selfish and want to have time to adjust

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 22:39

I don't think a 5 yr old should call the shots in this situation!!

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:41

I got roped In to meet my DC everyday from school- it is what parents do! Of course it was inconvenient and stopped me coming and going as I pleased with the baby- and missing some groups - it happens with the second child. OP has a second child- if she wanted a first child she needed to have a first time father!

needaholidaynow · 09/06/2013 22:41

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exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:42

She may be a first time mum but she is producing the second DC of the family! ( I am jolly glad I wasn't a step child!)

babyhmummy01 · 09/06/2013 22:42

Op doesn't have a second child she has a step child there is a huge difference.

AThingInYourLife · 09/06/2013 22:43

"In this case, the DC's parents have decided to change the arrangements for their DC and place her in the care of the OP against the OP's own opinion and wishes, because she is available, in order to save themselves money - which the OP will not benefit from in any way."

This is how I see it too.

It's just another example of a man thinking his wife's maternity leave is an opportunity for him to foist extra work on her without her agreement.

OP, your maternity leave is for you and your baby.

You might choose to do all sorts of things with that time.

But nobody else gets to commandeer it in the way your husband had tried to.

Original poster
MinesADecaff · 09/06/2013 22:43

This is my first baby. My very much wanted and planned for first baby. I will never get this time again. I want to enjoy it. I feel I deserve to enjoy it as any other first time mother would.

I don't think that's unreasonable. I'm a bit hurt that DP doesn't want that for me too.

Sorry if that seems like I'm romanticising or being pfb to some. But having a baby is a big deal to me.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:45

DH has 3 children- his step child is just as much part of the family- he is not an inconvenient or optional extra- we don't bother with the words step and half. Luckily all the grandparents and uncles and aunts don't either- they treat them the same regardless of blood.

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 22:46

Totally agree minesadecaff

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:46

I bet DP is very hurt- it would be grounds for divorce for me- I can't have my DCs treated differently.

Jemma1111 · 09/06/2013 22:46

Petal

The sm has ALL DAY to bond with her baby fgs !, baby will most probably be asleep anyway during the school run!

Petal, if the op had a bio dd she did'nt want to collect but instead wanted to have her go to a cm's whilst she spent time 'bonding' on her own with her new baby, what would your attitude be then ?