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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

534 replies

MinesADecaff · 07/06/2013 10:53

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

OP posts:

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NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 21:47

molly When my ex and I were together and DD was young, we occasionally took the day off work together and still took DD to nursery/childcare, even though we were at home and didn't need to.

Do you think our lack of commitment to DD as a member of our family contributed to our marriage ending?

Jemma1111 · 09/06/2013 21:49

But it Is her partners SECOND child !

If she took him on she should have been prepared to be there for his child too , he came as a PACKAGE , why can't some sm's see that ?

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 09/06/2013 21:52

I used to work two and a half days a week but left my DC with the childminder for three days. I loved that half day, I could do a million chores and even have some 'me' time. There is nothing wrong with that.
The OP will have lots of time without her DSD. It is just about fetching her from school. IF it is in the best interests of the DSD. (Which it probably would be.

I have never referred to looking after my kids as 'child care'

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 21:53

So you think that however the OP is feeling with her first new baby, she should be feeling and acting like someone who has had a baby before?

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 21:55

Jemma, are you suggesting that once a second wife is in the picture, that the bio mum can then abdicate some of her responsibility?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/06/2013 21:58

This thread's taken a rather horrible turn

Indeed. I know someone whose sister died when she was 6 and her sister was 4. As an adult, she still remembers it as the best day of her life - the day she got her parents all for her.

That's heartbreaking. I hope your friend's parents don't know this.

pmgkt · 09/06/2013 21:59

Haven't read all posts so sorry if I'm repeating but why not just wait and see. How much notice do you need to give, cos maybe rather than setting a timescale on it now why not wait and see and give notice when you know how you feel ready. Also what is the plan after your mat leave? If she needs to go back to a childminder after school then how easy will it be to get another space that she is happy with? It maybe worth keeping her in routine at least once a week, and there is no rule that says you can't pick her up the odd day even if she stays at the childminder

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 21:59

Yes, they came as a package. But that doesn't mean that the OP has miraculously gone through parenthood already.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 22:00

How can it be in the best interests of a child to have temporary childcare arrangements that place her in the care of an adult who is, at best, on a steep learning curve, (and more likely to be having difficult and stressful days) rather than familiar, dedicated care?

I think this is more about peoples views about care outside the home than the role of SM's.

Yes, I'm projecting - my DD was in f/t childcare from the age of 16 weeks to 10 years because thats what I chose for her.

babyhmummy01 · 09/06/2013 22:02

Jesus people, the double standards in the step parent forum are immense,

According to most threads and a great number of posts here as a SM I am not allowed to discipline step kids as I would my own, I am not allowed to think of or love them as my own but I am expected to run after them, collect from school when it is inconvenient for me just because I am.with their father. Are you guys for real????

Quite frankly I think all those making the point that as a sm the op should be running about after dsd because there are now 2 kids in this family need a reality check. If a friend of your dp had asked him if you could lookafter their child just after you had had your first born and ur dp had said yes without consulting you then you would be up in arms. So.why should the op not have that same right just cos she is a sm? There is a perfectly useable situation that the child is used to and will at somepoint be needed again so why disrupt her?

She has not been included in the decision, opinion was not sought by her dh. She has been dictated to that this is how it will be.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 22:12

Im sure the OPs DP and his ex won't mind how she occupies their DD after school; perhaps the OP could enquire about confirmation classes and her DSD could be confirmed at the same time as her DD is christened - Im sure that would be a lovely surprise for the DSD parents

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 22:13

Btw I am not a step parent but I too used childcare from 4 months (I am a freelancer and had to get back to work), am very bad with small babies and also used childcare part-time on my second maternity leave.

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:15

I fail to understand how anyone can have a new partner with a child and not realise they are a package and she gets the child for life.
All this should have been sorted out before they produce a sibling. Of course the SM should DS discipline the DC - the child is in her house and in her care- of course she should have a say and a separate relationship with the DC, that has nothing tomorrow with her DP. If she hasn't got this I can't see why she is still with the DP. She is with them 60% of the time and in that time they do things her way- as a family. You can't have siblings in the same house treated differently.

PearlyWhites · 09/06/2013 22:15

Yabvu what are you going to do if you have a second child, send your dc1 to a childminder. Quit being so selfish and let your dsd enjoy the time with her sibling.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 09/06/2013 22:16

Thanks for everyone's opinions and suggestions. I think I'll just tell DP that I'm not against it in principle but would like a few weeks of the current routine with the CM just to find my feet and see how things go. And try to reserve the right to say no if I really think it'll be unworkable. I am actually quite worried about losing the CM place. When I go back to work we'll be fucked if we couldn't find another one.

It does irk me that DP just assumed that I would automatically become the default school run person. He didn't really ask me or offer it for discussion. He does this quite a lot with things regarding DSD: arranges or manoeuvres me into situations where I have to take on default parenting responsibilities for DSD when I feel it really should be him or her mum doing it.

Anyway. Interesting to get such a wide perspective.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:17

Sorry iPad - nothing to do with and not tomorrow!

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 22:17

If her first child is at a childminder already she may well choose to do so, PW.

needaholidaynow · 09/06/2013 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:18

Why should the mum do it when she is with you?

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 09/06/2013 22:19

If I have a second child I might well send my DC1 to a CM, yes. Or to nursery. I really don't see why that would be terrible.

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 09/06/2013 22:20

Petal

This doesn't have anything to do with the bio mum. The point is, the little girl apparently lives with her dad and stepmum more than half the week, therefore if her dad is at work and her sm is at home then the sm should be collecting her from school and letting her have quality time with her new sibling.

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 22:20

Usually when people produce a sibling they bend over backwards to make sure the eldest isn't jealous- they don't palm them off with someone else.

babyhmummy01 · 09/06/2013 22:20

pearly as a first time mum how the hell is op being selfish for wanting to establish herself as a mum to her own child before having to deal with a lengthy bus journey to collect her step child???

No other first time mum would be expected to.do this so why the frick should she just because she is a step parent

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 09/06/2013 22:23

MinesADecaff
That seems like a sensible way to approach this situation. You really can't anticipate how you will feel and how you will cope with a new baby. It is much better to wait and see.

I hope everything goes well for all of you.

babyhmummy01 · 09/06/2013 22:23

if I have a second child I might well send my DC1 to a CM, yes. Or to nursery. I really don't see why that would be terrible.

Nothing terrible at all decaff, f it is what works for you go with. And I agree about the risk of losing cm place

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