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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

534 replies

MinesADecaff · 07/06/2013 10:53

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

seeker · 09/06/2013 20:36

No. The needs of the children wr being put first. Which, in these circumstances, they should be.

Bonsoir · 09/06/2013 20:42

I'd have thought that the needs of the DSD being put first would mean not disrupting her routine more than the arrival of a new baby is going to, and therefore carrying on with the CM. The only good reason to stop the CM is to save the bio parents money, which implies using the SM as free childcare. That is quite the wrong message to send to both SM and child.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 20:42

The dsd is in after school childcare at the moment because the op works, disneymum. When she's at home and presumably capable of looking after the child, there is no longer a need for this.
If she can't manage a 5 year old and a newborn; let's hope she sticks at just the one child? How the hell do the rest of us manage?

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 20:42

I really think if you can't put your own needs first when you've just forced a human being out of your vagina when can you?

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 20:44

Most of us manage because it is the second time. And in any case lots of us keep childcare going for preschoolers while on maternity leave on any case.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 20:49

If you can't put your own needs first when you've just forced a human being out of your vagina when can you?
That's the day your own needs stop coming first, motherinferior, didn't anyone tell you?

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 20:59

No they didn't. I don't do martyrdom. Sometimes my needs do come first. And when I'd just given birth the first hellish time there was no way I could have dragged myself to the school gate.

Mycatistoosexy · 09/06/2013 21:01

People do seen to be making a lot of assumptions here and not really offering any advice anymore. Also there seem to be a lot of ishoos being barely concealed

There was a thread a couple of days ago about a mum having DC2 and wondering if she should keep DC1 in childcare and that OP did not get a flaming.

Not exactly the same situation but enough that maybe we all need to calm down a bit on this thread.

As a family they can sit down (probably best when the baby has arrived so they can actually judge how things are) and see if after the first couple of weeks what would be the best thing to do

Bonsoir · 09/06/2013 21:06

I hid in another country when my DD was born, largely to avoid any sort of stepmothering responsibilities and to ensure I was well cared for and could spend lots of time with my baby.

This has not harmed anyone's relationship with anyone - rather to the contrary .

pumpkinsweetie · 09/06/2013 21:09

This thread is getting very cold, this is a 5yo little girl not an unwanted pet. Very sad at the attitudes on here towards step-children, no wonder i detested being one.

Jemma1111 · 09/06/2013 21:12

I actually can't believe some of the pathetic posts that are in support of the OP .

At the end of the day this is how it should be :
Woman meets a man who has children of his own
Woman falls in love with the man and because she loves him she respects his children , she accepts that her man has responsibiltes towards his children and she encourages her man to continue to have a healthy , loving bond with his children through the years . If she goes on to have her own children with this man she makes sure ALL of the children are treated equally .

The reality is that when some women meet and fall in love with a man who has children , they can't handle it and after a while jealousy of the children (and his ex) often sets in . They also expect any children they have with their man to always come first and step children are frequently pushed out

catsmother · 09/06/2013 21:12

The dsd is in after school childcare at the moment because the op works, disneymum. When she's at home and presumably capable of looking after the child, there is no longer a need for this.

What an arrogant thing to say. Childcare arrangements for the DSD are the responsibility of her parents. Any help from anyone else can't be assumed and should be viewed as a bonus.

And I very much doubt that before the OP fell pregnant, her DP agreed with her then that if she ever had a child of her own with him, it would be conditional upon her also taking on additional childcare for his older daughter. Yeah - thought not, seeing as he's apparently only just started talking about it. Which is fine - if he's prepared to have an objective discussion about it and is fully prepared to hear a "don't know yet" or a "maybe" or even an outright "no" - what with it being a complete sentence and all that.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 21:16

The dsd lives with them, catsmother!! Op should leave her in childcare till her Dad gets home? Really?

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 21:17

What if, heaven forbid, the OP is unwell after the birth, surely some ladies have c-sections that result in complications? And, again god forbid, the new baby needs extra care (think recent Coronation Street story), is the OP still going to be expected to take on extra child care, instead of getting better at her own pace?

I would have a totally different view if the OP had been involved in the decision-making process, but it sounds like her DH and the ex have been making decisions in her behalf.

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 21:21

Floggingmolly, the DSD does not live with the OP, this is clarified in the opening post.

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 21:21

Actually I do have friends who did this - the maintaining after school club while on mat leave thing. Worked just fine.

I think a woman who has just given birth for the first time is in a totally different place from one who's had that induction into parenthood already.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 21:22

She lives with them 60% of the time...

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 21:25

I think it's unfair that people are criticising the OP and saying this thread feels 'cold' - it appears that people think its fine for the bio parents to be too busy for school runs, but wrong for the step mother to decline.

Double standards!!!

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 21:26

Yes Molly, so she's not a resident child. That's what I meant.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 21:30

She's resident for 60% of the time. Presumably including some schooldays...

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 21:33

I get what you're saying Molly, but I still don't think the OP should have to take on extra child care when she's just had her first baby. If the term 'baby brain' has any truth in it, the poor OP will probably forget to collect her SD!!

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 09/06/2013 21:37

Do all the people judging OP say that mothers taking their 2nd/3rd/whatever maternity leave should take older DCs out of childcare too?

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 09/06/2013 21:42

If it were actually in the DSDs best interest to stay with the childminder then she should stay with the childminder. However, I bet the best thing for her is to go home straight after school - the home in which she lives with the OP for 60% of her life.

I can also understand that if there were medical reasons that the OP couldn't look after her DSD then the DSD should stay with the childminder. That is obvious.

Otherwise, as long as the OP is up to fetching her DSD it would seem kinder to pick her up and bring her home. It would be kinder for the little girl and it would be a way of supporting her DH.

It is telling that some posters and the OP refer to the OP looking after her DSD as 'child care'.

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 21:43

It isn't the OP's second child.

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 21:47

Looking after children is child care, isn't it?

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