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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

534 replies

MinesADecaff · 07/06/2013 10:53

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

OP posts:

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LittleBearPad · 09/06/2013 17:38

Um, because she is a key person in her SD's life and may want to build a deeper relationship with her. I wouldn't suggest doing it straight away but after the first few months once she feels she's used to having a baby she may feel differently, especially about one or two afternoons a week or picking up earlier from the childminder.

I take your point about the SD's parents deciding what to do rather than the OP and I think her DP is being very thoughtless but it doesn't have to be a blanket no for all of her maternity leave.

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 18:01

But surely the OP can establish a solid relationship with her SD without doing school pick-ups, that's not the only way to become close?

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 18:13

The OP may well feel differently in a few months - but if she does, then that will be led by her, not directed by her DSD parents who seem to view her a free childcarer, rather than the new Mum of their DD's half-sibling!

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 18:14

I wouldn't suggest doing it straight away but after the first few months once she feels she's used to having a baby she may feel differently, especially about one or two afternoons a week or picking up earlier from the childminder.

This is exactly what the OP proposed in her original post.

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 18:19

I think that if the OP decides to do it because it becomes convenient/practical/possible, then that's very different to being expected to do it, for the convenience of the bio parents.

needaholidaynow · 09/06/2013 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThereAreEggsInMyViolin · 09/06/2013 19:59

Wow, I think there is a bit of 'projecting' going on in some of these posts

It is true that technically the OP doesn't have to pick up her DSD but what a cold and uncaring way to address this problem.

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 20:00

There is absolutely no way I would have married DH and had more DCs if he was going to take the line 'I can't do this because I am the step father'! He got me and he got DS and he now has 3 DCs.
I didn't say I can't collect my 8 yr old from school because I have a baby!! I did what all mothers do and took the baby and met him. DH saying that 'it is what *fathers do - and I am step father' would have been grounds for divorce! OP has a family of 4 -and she has 2 equal DCs- I don't think much of DP if he allows one of his DCs to be second class.
This DC is with them 60% of the time.

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 20:01

It was never convenient t for me to collect an 8 yr old with a baby- you get on and do it.

MortifiedAdams · 09/06/2013 20:01

OP is this the second thread you have started on this topic? Why werent theresponses on the first thread not good enough?

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 20:19

It is true that technically the OP doesn't have to pick up her DSD but what a cold and uncaring way to address this problem.

Surely that depends on the circumstances? You are projecting in exactly the same way by assuming that the OPs DSD will benefit from the arrangement proposed by her parents, when in fact, you have no idea whether she will or not.

Is it uncaring to acknowledge personal limitations and (perhaps selfishly) put your own DC first? Is it cold to resist to being pressured into an arrangement that is new for the DSD at a time when the whole family are unsettled and finding their feet?

If the OP was an equal parent in her DSD life she would have an equal say in the childcare arrangements - as it is, she is anything but equal as her opinion and feelings are being disregarded. The OP does not have two equal DCs, any more than her DSD has three equal parents !

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 20:19

How can any man let his DP treat his 2 DCs differently?

Jemma1111 · 09/06/2013 20:19

Imo some people are acting as if the op has to pick up a dog !

It is a CHILD with feelings who is involved in this !

If the op is moaning already about her dsd its obvious she doesn't see her as part of the family .

exoticfruits · 09/06/2013 20:20

She is more than equal- they have 60% of the care.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 20:23

How can any man let his DP treat his 2 DCs differently?

So, going back to my previous post - it would be OK for the OP to agree to piercing, surgery, different childcare for her DSD, whether or not her DP agreed, because she's an equal parent and has equal responsibility?

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 20:23

But why should the OP dilute those precious first months with her new baby, to do schools runs for a step child who has two bio parents? Talk about the second family coming second!

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 20:26

She is more than equal- they have 60% of the care.

No they don't - the DDs Dad has care, the OP has nothing.

If Dad was incapacitated or his relationship with the OP broke down then the OPs relationship with her DSD would end immediately, unless the DDs Mum decided otherwise.

seeker · 09/06/2013 20:27

"But why should the OP dilute those precious first months with her new baby, to do schools runs for a step child who has two bio parents? "

Because the step child is her new baby's big sister.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2013 20:31

Yabu. Dsd is part of your family too. I could understand a week or two, but six months? No.

MortifiedAdams · 09/06/2013 20:31

Op your dsd has an equal link to your dh as your dc will have, and as he is you r husband, his children are partof your family. Both dsd and your dc.

motherinferior · 09/06/2013 20:32

I don't think it's about 'precious moments' so much as coping with the nuclear explosion of what is, after all, the OP's first baby. I am clearly a wimp, but I could barely function for the first three months of DD's life.

And what's with the 'the SD will love to help with the baby' declarations? She may quite probably not. (I was three when my sister was born and I absolutely hated her for the next 10 years.)

Bonsoir · 09/06/2013 20:33

"How can any man let his DP treat his 2 DCs differently?"

Of course DCs get treated differently - even biological siblings get treated differently, because their needs are not identical. Half-siblings should receive different treatment, because they have different mothers (or fathers).

Petal02 · 09/06/2013 20:34

But it still sounds like the needs to the first family unit (the step child and her bio parents) are being put before the OP and her new arrival.

Bonsoir · 09/06/2013 20:35

"I was three when my sister was born and I absolutely hated her for the next 10 years."

Indeed. I know someone whose sister died when she was 6 and her sister was 4. As an adult, she still remembers it as the best day of her life - the day she got her parents all for her.

NotaDisneyMum · 09/06/2013 20:35

I don't get it.

Why should the OP take on more responsibility for her DSD just because she's having a baby?

The OP doesn't pick up DSD from school now because she works, and she'll be going back to work after maternity leave. Why on earth would any parent choose to disrupt their DC by changing childcare arrangements for a few months unless motivated by money?

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