Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

if the dp was being forced without consultation to give up his paternity leave to look after the older child then yes i would be saying exactly that, it would be his first child and he has the right to bond without worrying about having to care for someone else's child

bhm there is nothing wrong with the op thinking that the older child remaining in childcare is the best idea. I don't necessarily agree with it even for biological children but that's a personal thing. but what I have issue with is this notion that because the dd is not the op's biological child she somehow should be treated differently; that the op has the right to not want to be involved with her even though the child lives in the same house as her; that the "she is not your child and has her own parents" line is being trotted out as a justification to treat stepchildren unequally.

The fact that this is a father who has the greater share of the access is irrelevant. Just because that's not the norm (and actually it is becoming more common) doesn't make it wrong or more relevant of the question of why the mother can't do more of the childcare.

If this was a man in the same situation he would be torn to shreds on the basis he married a woman with kids, nobody would ever suggest the biological father should do more in the event the stepfather would rather do nothing - they would tell the woman not to stay with someone who could treat her children like that. The position doesn't suddenly change because the stepparent is a woman.

WannaBe - the OP will be an "actual first time parent". I was NOT a parent before my DD was born. I was a step parent. Yes, the baby is the second baby of the family, but the first of the OP.

I just find it strange that the bio mum has a 5 yr old who she only sees 40% of the time. No one seems to have questioned this. It's only the step mum who's being criticised.

So what do you make of this? I've got a day off tomorrow. It's the last day off I'll be able to take for a while (massive project about to start at work) and I was really looking forward to spending my last day of 'freedom' just pottering around, doing whatever I felt like.

This morning DP says to me 'maybe you could pick up DSD from school tomorrow?'

Now, what should I say to that? The truth is, I'd rather not. I want to spend all afternoon in a cafe, reading my book. But if I say that he'll just think I'm really selfish.

Why is it selfish of me to say that just because I'm free for one day that shouldn't automatically mean I'll pick up DSD?

Minesadecaff - if you're about to have a baby (and have a large project starting at work) I wouldn't think twice about having a quiet day to yourself. It's probably the last quiet day you'll get for 25 years!!

Why can't the bio mum collect SD? She seems to be fireproof here.

To answer pearly's question about DSD's mum: the arrangement is supposed to be 50:50. But it's 60:40 because once a month her mum cancels at least one weekend with DSD because she's got something else to do. For example, this weekend it was a music festival.

So you get the picture.

Where DP and I disagree is that he feels I should step in to the gaps her mum is leaving.

I feel like he should stop his ex behaving like that towards DSD in the first place. By not enabling her so much.

She's the one he has a co-parenting arrangement with, not me. He's entitled to ask more from her.

MinesADecaff - I would probably pick DSS up to be honest, seems at least your DP has asked you this time though.

Doing something for yourself in your spare time over doing something that will help others is selfish by definition. Whether you are entitled to be selfish now and then, well that's a different matter. I suspect you maybe be flamed.

I don't understand why you don't just talk to him? Just say you have things planned, you seem to expecting a problem rather than there actually being one, there is nothng wrong with having time on your own. You've told him you've a day off he's asked if you would pick up your dad, just say you can't, why would that make you selfish?

Your problem seems to be a lack of communication rather than anything else tbh. He might be trying to force your relationship with your dsd, he needs to understand it'll come naturally and over time. Go and have you coffee, guilt free.

I'd say 'Sorry, I've got things to do so it's not possible tomorrow'. You have!

Has he asked for a specific reason, i.e. something has come up and he suddenly has to work late? If not, it seems a bit like he is now trying to channel your free time into DSD-care without feeling like he should do the same himself.

Erm, why doesn't your DP feel he should be 'filling the gap'? Why is that your job? Does he think childcare is something only women can do?

btw I am 7 months pregnant, my feet are swollen and ache, I still throw up and have back ache. If you're suffering from pregnancy related symptoms that mean that you're going to feel like a sack of crap having to haul yourself onto a hot bus to get DSD then that's different to wanting to spend all afternoon in a cafe reading a book.

Minesadecaff - I am horrified that the ex is off to music festivals, cancelling contact, and that you're expected to fill the gaps. That's bad enough under normal circumstances, let alone when you're pregnant.

You're right that your DP should stop enabling her behaviour, but that's the tough bit. However if you start saying "no" then that forces his hand somewhat. If you keep saying "yes", are you a little guilty of enabling too?

Ordinarily DSD's CM would pick her up from school tomorrow as per usual.

DP just wants me to do it for this one day only because it would be 'nice for DSD'. Well, I'm sorry but it's not really how I wanted to spend my day off.

DP just can't see it from my perspective though. Because to him, an opportunity to spend an afternoon with DD is his idea of heaven. So he can't understand why it wouldn't be my absolute preferred and favourite thing to do too.

Also, I think it just messes with DSD's head. When I was between jobs I was able to do school pick up for a couple of weeks. Then I started my new job and it went back to the CM (so lucky she kept a spot open). Since then DSD is always asking when I can pick her up again. And the answer is always the same - I can't now because I work. But because I did it those few times it's really confused her and I'm just not sure it's worth disrupting her for that one day when she's only going to want it to become a regular thing when that's just not possible.

I read all these posts, ?I should be allowed to bond with my baby/sit in a café/have a lie in/not have to pick up the stepkids/

Agree with Petal above that if you soak this up, you are effectively enabling your DP to let things slide, and neither he nor his ex have to up their game. And frankly at least one of them, and preferably both, should be doing that.

I feel sorry for this little girl, who is only 5 and doesn't seem to be anyone's priority - but the first people in the firing line there should be her mum and dad, who are the people in the world who are most obliged to put her first. I think you need a word with your DP about this, as he has one child already and another on the way, and his attitude to both seems to be that it's not his role to make sacrifices for them. It is.

Petal if I say no he interprets that as me being obstructive to him seeing DSD. We've had arguments about it before.

If he's given an opportunity to spend more time with DSD he'll take it. Even if it means enabling his ex to treat him and DSD like second class citizens. (And by extension, me).

WannaB - but the bio mum is off to music festivals, cancelling contact etc, and you don't criticise this. As I said, she seems to be fireproof. She can do exactly what she wants (or doesn't want) and it's fine, but if the pregnant step mum can't fill the gaps, then she gets flamed.

Double standard or what??????

So he needs to organise some early finishes for himself at work, even if that means working at home in the evenings, so he can pick his daughter up and give her a nice treat. Suggest that to him. Though I would not be surprised to find that his job makes that 'impossible' - it's amazing how often this is the case for men but women are expected to rearrange their working lives at the drop of a hat.

wannaBe I think the 'it's not all me me me' is a lesson this little girl's mum and dad need to learn first and foremost.

decaff I totally understand and dp should stop enabling his ex. It is not ur job to pick up her slack... Before I am flamed this is exactly what a lot of u flaming the op told me when I.posted about my step.kids behaviours so think on.

The distruption to her routine isn't helpful but for a one off would it be so bad? Could you guys not do.something nice like shop for baby so she feels involved. And at least he asked rather than assuming

'If he's given the opportunity...' is not good enough on his part. Few of us are given the opportunity. My boss doesn't say to me 'Oh, Snazzy, why don't you leave early this afternoon and go and spend some time with your DS?' I have to work out how I'm going to make that happen. Your DP needs to be proactive no reactive in organising time with his daughter. And he shouldn't be assuming that you doing it as proxy is as good as him doing his share.

Snazzy he does sometimes leave work early and pick up DSD as a surprise. He's very good like that.

But he loves to do it. I don't so much.

?I feel like he should stop his ex behaving like that towards DSD in the first place. By not enabling her so much.? But how exactly do you propose he do that? By saying ?no, I?m not prepared to have dd.??

Sorry but it?s very easy to say that when you have no biological children of your own. As a parent you can?t just turn around and say ?sorry, you?ve cancelled contact, well I?m not prepared to have her either so it?s up too you to sort it out.? Because cancelling contact brings with it its own issues and sadness for the child.

As a parent you are so 100% of the time, not just the 50% that the access arrangement stipulates.

Yes your dp should be having words with his ex about the fact she cancels contact for her own selfish benefit. But he should do so because of the welfare of his daughter, not because of his desire for daughter-free time (which clearly he doesn?t want anyway).

WannaB - but you're still suggesting that if the ex cancels contact, the DP should continue to expect the OP to fill the gaps? Then nothing will ever change.

Pedal the biological mother cancelling contact to go to music festivals is despicable ? that?s not in dispute here.

But I don?t see this being a man who doesn?t take responsibility for his children ? op has already stated that the dp picks the dsd up from school and takes her to the childminders, that he takes time off work to be with her and that he loves the time he spends with her.

To me it actually sounds as if this is someone who puts his child first and loves the time he spends with her and wants to spend as much of it as possible hence why he doesn?t stand up to the ex cancelling contact. It just happens that his new partner doesn?t share his desire to spend time with his child.