Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

Exactly what wannaBe says.

wannabe were you allowed time to bond with your first baby without being expected to run about after another child?

Talk to your SD, and ask her what she would like to do. You may be surprised at how maturely she can work with you to make solutions that suit the whole family.

The SD in question in 5 years old. I doubt many 5 year olds can suggest mature, family-orientated solutions.

Wannabe but my DSD is not my child, and if my DC ever have a stepmum, I wouldn't want her to think of herself as their parent either. DSD has two parents. My DSD is treated equally and I regard her as part of my family. But somehow I am at fault by not thinking of her as my own? DSD and her mum would both hate that, and it isn't true. Have you read threads where step mums get ripped to pieces for their presumption if they do say what you suggest?

I wonder whether stepparents who already have their own children and thus are expecting their new partner to take those on as a package are more open to the idea of taking on someone else?s children and integrating those into their family

I'm not! I'm a strong advocate of disengaging and leaving parents to parent their own DC, and have been soundly criticised for my lack of involvement in my own DSS life (who I refuse to have sole care of at all) so it might surprise you that not only do I have my own DD, but that my DD spends 50% of her time in her Dads care, where she has a SM, too.

I disagree with your blanket statement that 'no mother would want their DC to be treated an inconvenience'. I am sure that my DDs SM, who has no DCs of her own, undoubtedly views DD as such at times - and I would never consider her responsible for DD in any way, at any time.

If DDs dad chooses to place DD in her SM care, I view that in the same way as I do when he places her in the care of any other trusted adult - His DW is not subject to additional obligations towards DD just because she married my ex.

Playing happy families and creating a replica 'nuclear family' withmale and female parental-roles for the DCs is a desire many people have - including Stepmums in the early days. After you've live it for a while, you realise there are too many obstacles to overcome.

I can't help noticing that despite the cries of 'the OP is equal' , my questions about piercings, religious instruction etc have still not been answered. I assume that when it comes to those issues, the OP is less equal?

NADM i do love your posts hun!!! Your ones about the ear piercing had me in hysterics!! I suggested to DP's exw that she had DSD's hair cut significantly shorter than it is due to persistant nits and the fact they are hiding in her very long ponytail, she has bites on her neck and back from the little blighters. DP agrees with me and back me up but mum vito'd it. I can only imagine the flaming i would get if i posed the question on here of should i ignore her MOTHER and just take her to the hairdresser!

Absolutely what notadisney says.

Cases of bereavement or abandonment excepted, step children have two parents. They don't need or want more.

I view myself as a responsible, caring adult in DSD's life. If I am in sole charge of her, I "parent" her by ensuring she is looked after, entertained, that she behaves according to the rules of my house etc. Just the same as my kids, age adjusted for needs. But also just the same as if I was looking after my nieces.

babyhmummy that is an example pd exactly the kind of presumption I was talking about.

madam - exactly! I can make the suggestion to her Mum and Dad as I would to the parents of my Godsons and my God daughter because I care about her welfare and well being, but all i can do is suggest. I have absolutely no right whatsoever to make a decision and would never presume to do so.

Agree with Wannabe

Why wouldn't the existing access arrangements be sustainable after the OP's baby is born. The SD will still be her father's daughter and therefore entitled to consider his house her home. She's not a bloody puppy to be passed around as an inconvenience.

littlepad have you read the thread? No one is talking about changing access. The OP has been asked to replace the child care arrangements the child's father has made.

I don't really see it as appropriate to ask a 5 yo to 'work with you to come up with solutions'. It would be far more appropriate to ask the DP, who so far has been deciding unilaterally how everything's going to be, to do this.

Yes I have and I read Petal02's comment above

"Excellent point. And I expect I?ll get flamed for this, but why is the SD with the OP and her DP for 60% of the time? Will this be sustainable once the new baby arrives?"

My comment was in response to this as the thread seems to have become a wider debate now about stepchildren/step-parent dynamics.

Shocked at the responses on here is an understatement.

As you so clearly have all the responsibility of your DSD then I assume that her mom and dad are going to sign and give you Step Parent PR so that legally you are protected should something happen to your DSD whilst in your care?

There has been a question about whether 60% care will sustainable after the OPs baby is born - I guess it depends who has been responsible for the DCs care during that 60% and whether those arrangements can be maintained in a "two-DC" household?

What I meant was: once the new baby arrives, there's an extra person to consider, would the SD's bio mum be able to do a little more of child care for her own daughter? If she only has her for 40% of the time at present, is there a chance she could do a little more? This may be totally out of the question, impractical, inappropriate etc - but I was just asking the question.

Lots of people I know keep their own kids in a childminders even though they are on maternity leave to give them some breathing space and to keep the routine going.
When and if you do start collecting her from school why not start with one day and go from there.
Good luck with your new baby - go easy on yourself and your expectations of what you'll feel up to, IMO it can be a tough time emotionally.

Lots of good advice on here. I would make accepting this conditional on your DH being home by 6pm [or whenever he would have usually collected his DD]. Most babies cluster feed from 6pm onwards so you will be glued to the sofa for hours with a small and possibly bored child who also needs feeding and putting to bed and some attention from her Dad.
Don't let him use those evenings to work late, have a couple of pints or get regularly "held up".
Are you planning on going back to work at 6 months ? Will her place at the CM still be there [and for your DC also]? I would look at it in the overall context of your career plans and childcare generally so that it is not specific to your DSD. YABU to be concerned about coping but you will be fine, it just takes a bit of practise and that can be tricky.

There has been a question about whether 60% will be sustainable after the OPs baby is born.
Why wouldn't those arrangements be maintained in a "two DC" household? . The op is having one baby, not quintuplets, and her husband already has two children.
I would hope that he wouldn't entertain the notion that his dd making the household a "two dc" one is unsustainable; if there was indeed a question of that then op shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place

But as it seems OK to ask the stepmum to do more "care", why isn't it OK to make the same request to the bio mum? For example, if it's acceptable to ask the step mum to do school pick-ups, why isn't it (very hypothetically) acceptable to ask the bio mum to do a little more "care" of her own daughter once the new baby arrives?

I'm just illustrating what I perceive as a double standard.

?wannabe were you allowed time to bond with your first baby without being expected to run about after another child?? yes, but I wasn?t in a relationship where there was already another child. If you get involved with someone who has kids then you do so in the knowledge that while you might have a ?first? baby of your own that will not be the ?first? baby of the household, and that time to bond with that baby in the same way as if you were an actual first time parent just won?t necessarily be available. This baby is not the first baby in that family ? it is the second baby in that family, it just so happens that the op is not the biological parent of the other child, but the other child is still an equal part of that family.

Anyone who can?t see that shouldn?t get involved with someone who has kids.

"There has been a question about whether 60% will be sustainable after the OPs baby is born."

Well, that's not going to have any negative impact on the step child, now is it?

petal02 tbh i was just thinking exactly the same having reread some of the posts on this thread!

it is highly unusual for the father to have the bigger % of care so it does beg the question of where is the bio mum in all of this

so just because she is a step parent she shouldn't be allowed the same rights as any other parent?!!

there are several bio mums who have posted to say that they needed time to bond with a second child and left first in childcare until they felt able to cope so why are you not flaming them???

why is it that just because the OP is a step parent she is flamed for wanting to do exactly the same?

The hypocrites and double standard brigade on this board really do my head in!

aAs for the idea that a 60% arrangement wouldn?t be sustainable after the new baby arrives, what an absolutely ridiculous idea.

Imagine the outcry on mn if someone posted ?I have a dd of my own and I am expecting my first baby with dp. Dp has suggested that the 60% arrangement we currently have is no longer sustainable and that dd?s dad should be taking on more of the childcare. Would people be agreeing whole-heartedly with the new dp saying ?yes, your child is not your dp?s child, it is entirely appropriate that your dp shouldn?t have any responsibility for her and that her dad should have her for more of the time,?? no didn?t think so.