Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

But why should the OP want to spend as much time with the child as her DP does? And actually, it's not about the DP arranging for himself to spend extra time with the child, it's about him arranging for the OP to spend time on his behalf - the old chestnut 'access by proxy' .....

Pedal actually yes. The op married a man with a child. It seems obvious to me that the op?s dh considers them (him, the op and his dd) to be a family, and that he therefore doesn?t make the distinction here between him wanting to spend time with the child and his dp (the op) wanting to, iyswim.

I do think that when you become involved with someone with children to the extent you live together and have your own children together then yes, you do take on some of the responsibility for children who come with that person.

I feel deeply sorry for the dsd in this scenario, because it seems blatantly obvious to me that the op will be incapable of treating both children (her?s and the dsd) equally.

I know this thread has moved on but I think it is better for the child to keep the same arrangements when the baby is born as not to confuse her further. I say this as someone who was a stepdchild in several families and a stepmum. Children need continuity

It just happens that his new partner doesn?t share his desire to spend time with his child

Well, quite. Absolutely.

Is that wrong?

I must be a dreadful mum because I prefer to be with my child (the one I have birth to and share genetics with) than I do my DSC.

Playing happy families and creating a replica 'nuclear family' withmale and female parental-roles for the DCs is a desire many people have - including Stepmums in the early days. After you've live it for a while, you realise there are too many obstacles to overcome.

It is conceivable, you know, that the poor old OP will do the unforgiveable thing of preferring the baby she's just given birth to than the one she didn't, at the beginning. Secretly. In a way that presumably if she admits to on MN she'll be screamed at for her lack of maternal/womanly wotsitness. And that it might be better to have some time with that new baby, and work out how to manage and cope with and - ideally - override those emotions.

It's not 'blatantly obvious' at all. People are projecting massively onto what's happening and what is going to happen. And in between, a woman who is about to give birth for the first time is being told that she needs to rewrite her own biological history and remember the other child she gave birth to five years ago as well

he therefore doesn?t make the distinction here between him wanting to spend time with the child and his dp (the op) wanting to, iyswim.

Ah yes, a phrase I used with my ex

"The women in DDs life are not interchangeable"

My ex considered his Mum, his DW, and his sister to have the same equal status in our DDs life as I did.

DD was distraught about it.

I'm just scared. Scared that DP is going to fall out of love with me because I can't be what he wants to DSD. Scared that I'm going to ruin DSD's life because I'm not good enough. Scared that when the new baby arrives I'm not going to be able to cope because I don't have any friends or family Scared I'm not going to be good enough at work.

And rather than give any reassurance I just feel like everyone, including DP is saying 'yes, you're right, you aren't good enough'. 'Be better, try harder. But I'm not going to cut you any slack or offer any help in return'.

Minesadecaff - your DP is putting you under far too much pressure.

I think it's more confusing to have someone else trying to be your Mum and actually more upsetting. A forced situation is not a positive one. The daughter will want to carry on as normal as much as possible and things may develop to other arrangements naturally. I know with my Stepdad we were never very close when I was growing up, even when we shared a house, but we have developed naturally quite a father daughter relationship since my children were born, but that was something that happened over time not something that was forced.

All families are different though and what works for some doesn't work for others, but the most important thing should be how the child feels and I think she should stick to routine and see how things pan out in the future. It's not like she is having to fend for herself at the park

Sweetie. I think you do need to tell him, upfront, how you are feeling. We all feel like that in the run-up to having our first babies, and it's harder for you.

BTW I wrote a feature some years ago for a women's mag on divorce and the effect on kids and among other people interviewed various MNers. And it finished with a quote from one of those MNers' grownup step-daughters:

?Positive things come out of it,? Elizabeth concludes firmly. ?It?s nice to have siblings and new people in your life. Your parents are happier. Your family expands. And we all get on.?

*friends or family nearby, that should say. I have lots of both, just they're all at least an hour away.

Oh don't be scared :( It will all be fine you know. You will make new friends once you have the baby too. Try and relax about things and use your instinct about your own life, it will serve you well (oh goodness that sounds trite, but hopefully you will know what I mean!)

You need baby groups. NCT and antenatal stuff. There will be lots nearby.

for Minesadecaff, don't be scared. Are you anywhere in West London by any chance? I am due in September with DC2, am a stepmum, and have no family around either. I found enrolling at NCT was great for meeting new mums2be.

This might be hormones but I can't stop crying. I'm really terrified DP's going to leave me because I'm not good enough for DSD.

I'm just going to have to say yes to everything otherwise he's going to think I'm such a shit mum. I can feel he's already disappointed in me. He'd never say it but the way he acts around me is different lately. Like I've let him down or something. Just because I can't love DSD the way I'll love my own child.

He's created this situation too by being unrealistic and refusing to see my point of view. He's so single minded when it comes to DSD. God forbid he'd ever empathise with how hard it must be for me.

Fuck I have a meeting in half an hour and my face is covered in snot and mascara.

Maybe I've made a huge mistake. I should never have had a baby with a man who has a DC. I obviously can't do it. We'll all be unhappy now.

Just because you are about to be a mother should not mean you have to INCREASE your duties as a stepmother to take up the slack others create, - that's nonsense.

If anything you are about to take on a new job (mother to a new baby) so will have to spread yourself more thinly in other areas.

Your post up there has made me feel quite teary, I am angry on your behalf that people are making you feel like this.

You will be fine though, honest - listen to motherinferior..

{FentonHug?}

Of course you can do it. He is being unrealistic though and you can recognise that yourself. Does he ever ask his daughter what she wants or does he just look at the world through rose tinted spectacles? He seems to want some romanticised version of family life instead of looking at things pragmatically

You do need to talk to him it about, you cannot agree to things just because someone else tells you to do them!

decaff I have just talked to my dp about this thread and he is disgusted at the attitudes of those who have flamed you and those of us who have supported you. He agrees wholeheartedly that I am not a parent to.his kids and if their mums bf tried to act as a 3rd parent he would be livid as would his exw if I tried it.

He agrees that you are a first time mum and deserve the right to get to.grips with that.

You are not failing and are nit a shit mum, ur not a mum yet. U r a step parent and that us entirely different

I haven't posted on this thread because I haven't really had time but I have been reading all and just wanted to say that I think you have EVERY right to have time alone with your first baby of your OWN.

DP should be supporting you. Maybe later down the road, you can change your mind but as a new mum you need that time and shouldn't feel ashamed to ask for it!

There are lots of us who do have empathy and understanding.

You are not a bad person for not taking up the slack of this little girls parents. She is not your daughter. You are a positive role model for her and part of her family but you are NOT her parent.

Hello,

You may find it useful to post on the relationships board where I think you'll get useful viewpoints and support.

I think your partner is behaving unrealistically. Almost like he's having a crisis himself.

If he leaves you, he will have to do a hell of a lot more himself. So even if he is thinking that way (and I'm not sure he is) he is being foolish. And even if he does occasionally pick her up from school as a surprise, I still think he has a lot of ground to make up in stepping up and filling the gap her mother leaves. I don't know if he is now getting a bit carried away and imagining that you will be Supermum to both his kids in one go, all problems therefore solved! but he needs to get real. This is a situation that will be addressed by him stepping up and the two of you working as a team, not him behaving like a disappointed boss and you feeling bad about yourself.

There have been a few hostile posts but largely I think people are supportive of you on this thread. Don't get overwhelmed by the few posts 'against' you. Lots of us are saying this is not fair on you.

You may find it useful to post on the relationships board where I think you'll get useful viewpoints and support

From experience, I suggest that the OP avoids the relationship board; there have beenany threads in which the step aspect of the situation dominates and I fear it would go the same way as this one

OP - I understand your fears and tears - the expectations placed upon Stepmums are huge and the lack of support you have received in real life and here has left you feeling alone.

You're not. There are lots of us struggling on as best we can behind closed doors - hoping that we're not ruining our DCs lives or letting our DPs down.
You will cope, you will survive and as you settle into your new life, you will be happy