Just wondered what your opinions were on this. How to manage DP's expectations.

[MinesADecaff]

DP and I are expecting our first baby. He has a DD who's 5 and who lives with us about 60% of the time.

Three days a week it's his responsibility to arrange childcare for her after school. At the moment a childminder picks her up and then DP collects her on his way back from work. I work FT too.

But now he's started talking about how, when I'm on maternity leave, I can start picking up DSD from school. But I really don't want to. Especially not in the first few months when I'm still getting to grips with being a new mum and feeling knackered.

I don't have any family or friends where we live - everyone is at least an hour away. So I'd be on my own with new babe plus DSD until DP got home.

I'm not completely averse to the idea once I've got a routine established with the new baby and I've found my feet a bit. But I've got a feeling that DP is going to be expecting me to be doing the school run the first Monday after he goes back from paternity leave.

AIBU to say that for the first six months or so I just want to be able to bond with my baby and find my feet as a mum without having to provide childcare for his DD too?

athing exactly the points some of us have been trying to make!

You do not do play dates with 'mummy friends' when they start school- they make their own friends and get invited out- if they are living with you on that day then you arrange it.the mother isn't there.

I only know that there is no way that I would have had DCs with DH2 if he was going to pretend we were a cosy little first time family- with an extra.
Of course he was excited to have a baby for the first , but it was our second child and the first one needed meeting from school, taking to cubs, football, friend's houses etc- and he did what fathers do- did it if convenient without telling me it was my child and up to me to arrange.

But that's the whole point exotic. if it was convenient

It is not convenient at first for the op as she wants and is entitled to have time to adapt to being a first time mum.

It sounds as if you have this DC for 60% of the time and yet you have no control over anything- that is what needs sorting out with DP. If she is in your home then you should be in charge. If you are being bullied by other women at the school gate then I am being very unfair- you obviously supposed to do all the work with no say!
I would use the time before the baby is born to sit down with DP and tell him that things have to change and you are not going to be 'put upon' and you need to be in on the planning stages.

It's a really interesting thread - though I find some bits of it disturbing. I have needed to remind myself that there are many different types of stepfamily. It's also true that particularly in the very early years of stepfamily/blended family life step-parents are regarded in a very different light from biological parents.

I do think that there's an underlying issue which goes beyond the operational details of childminders, and the distance to a stepchild's school etc.

That issue is one of values. The way I was brought up means that I think my obligations aren't just to my biological kin plus my partner. They are to a wider community and particularly towards those I know who are in need. I brought those values into step-parenting. (Children whose parents have separated are quite needy, and I had to think about the extent to which my behaviour and actions might help them towards finding some new kind of security.) That sense of obligations/awareness of needs is not the same thing as a willingness to be exploited. It is about active conscious choice.

I also believe that ultimately you reap what you sow.

I wouldn't wish to sound preachy. It's just that this conversation has caused me to reflect on my eighteen years as a step-parent. (It's a long-term game.)

If you expect the step parent to treat them equally then you have to treat the step parent as a parent and not an unpaid skivvy!

It can't be good for children to grow up in the reality-free zones advocated by some as how blended families should operate.

I can see why, in the case of child abandonment or very early bereavement, you might want to take on a step-child "as your own".

But where a child has two loving parents, why is there any need to pretend their step parents are third and fourth full parents?

Why is it not OK to acknowledge the reality that you live in a different kind of (just as good, maybe better?) family?

That the woman who lives with you in your father's house is not another mummy just like the one you have already, but is still another adult who cares about you and is interested in you and gets to tell you off?

I'm basically an outsider here. I'm not a stepmother, all my children are DH's, I not a stepchild.

I'm just amazed at the demands that are being made here of women - that if they marry a man with children it is not enough to grow to love the children, to care for them, to treat them well and fairly.

No, unless you can suspend reality and pretend they are your first born, you are treating them badly.

DH has a lovely stepmother. She is from an enormous, complicated family with steps all over the place.

Most of what I know about step families comes from her.

Does she love DH and his sis? Undoubtedly.

Is she a third granny to our kids? Definitely.

Does she treat her step kids the same as her own children? No

Her step grandkids the same as her own children's children? No

Is that mean/sadface evoking/hurtful? No

She is extra. She's a bonus.

If MIL and FIL had stayed together we would never have had her in our lives.

We're glad that we do. And she's glad too.

There's an element if choice to stay close that doesn't exist to the same extent in nuclear families.

Different is OK.

Pretending to be the same is weird.

FrauMoose - I think a lot of stepparents have values that strongly preclude them from stepping on the toes of biological parents and muscling in on the upbringing of DC who are not their own. I speak from experience, because that was my strong feeling as a stepmother in the early days. I "edged in" little by little only when I felt that it was for the benefit of my DCs and it was not going to be resented by their biological parents.

We are now years down the line and things have changed - in particular, the DSSs have got to the stage in their lives when they are taking control of their own development and therefore reach out independently to the adults around them (parents, stepparents and other family members and friends) according to the skills and willingness of the adults in question.

for the benefit of my DSCs

a step mum is not a mum to her step kids
This 5 year old spends 60% of her time living with her Dad and the op; so sure, she's not her mum but it does fall to her to actually help parent the child...
Could she really abdicate all responsibility for this little girl to her father because she's not her mum?

frau your comment is very true imo.about early days being very different. The longer a step parent is around the easier it becomes to parent as roles change as do expectations as bio parents get used to the additional adults and grow to trust them. However, a step parent can only parent if the bio parents allow

It is early days for me like it is for the op, and it is hard. My dp's ex doesn't like the fact I am responsible for her kids when their dad is at work but then told the solicitor she is pissed off with them always being with her. Solicitor told her outright to suck it up she couldnt have it both ways. That said it doesn't mean I am allowed to discipline them in the way I see fit, I am restricted by the agreement between dp and his exw over how they chose to parent. Imo kids need rules and to learn consequences to their actions, exw doesn't believe in telling kids no or repremanding bad behaviour. I do clash with her on that as dp believes as I do so he allows me some leeway.

It unfortunately isn't that way for the vast majority of step parents. All too often partners use each other as free service to offload their kids without any consultation which is what has happened for the op.

athing a very true post hun!

flogging she is not abdicating responsibility she is pointing out that her primary responsibility is to her own child

Hello, I'm a bit late to the party but hope I can add something useful.

I wouldn't make any commitments before the birth, definitely make decisions afterward, when you know what you're dealing with.

If childcare is in place and working then why change it, why risk the disruption of changing routine and potentially looking for another childminder if / when you return to work?

I'm concerned that your partner is making assumptions like this without discussing it with you. He should not be making commitments on your behalf.

I actually feel that it would be unnecessarily stressful for you to have a time-sensitive commitment like school pickups unless it's unavoidable. Sorry to be less than optimistic but childbirth may take more than a few hours to recover from, walking without leaking/ peeing yourself may take some time, the lochia bleeding can last a month, standing and walking may be sore and midwives sometimes recommend bedrest. The first 6 weeks or so in a baby's life can feel like constant growth spurts with lots of cluster feeding, some babies are particularly sensitive to being overstimulated which builds up over the course of the day in which case late afternoons and early evenings are the worst time to be outside, they want to be held quietly. .. But fundamentally, even if you have an easy birth and feel like going out for walks immediately- it's your choice!

Good luck.

"All too often partners use each other as free service to offload their kids without any consultation which is what has happened for the op."

Or in reality, all too often men use their wives as a free service without consultation.

It's not acceptable to do that, regardless of the parentage of the children.

The answer to the topic title question is - tell him to stop having any expectations about telling you how to spend your time.

Going on maternity leave doesn't turn your time into a resource that is his to exploit.

Agree with carabossse and athing above. The DP here making this decision unilaterally is a concern - these things should be decided as a team by the couple regardless of parenting identities. And it makes total sense to wait and see how things are after the birth in case there are unexpected complications etc. Plus has the DP given any thought to what happens after mat leave finishes and a childcare space is needed again? Will the OP be expected to cut her working hours to do school pickups, but he doesn't even consider it himself?

What?s the Mum doing? Where is she to help? Why should the SM pick up the pieces?

Excellent point. And I expect I?ll get flamed for this, but why is the SD with the OP and her DP for 60% of the time? Will this be sustainable once the new baby arrives?

athing yes everything you have said more coherently than me as I am 7 months pregnant with my first child.
And yes they are my first, as my DSCs are not my children! They are absolutely part of my family. But to suggest that they are mine or in extremis that DSS is my first born is lunacy. He is my DPs first child, and his Mums first child.

Happily my DP and his exW are both sane and reasonable people who realise that while I happily care for and feel connected to DSCs they are the parents and I am as stated above (hopefully) a bonus adult in the DSCs lives.

Oh and we are not treating them the same, I will return to work after 9 months mat leave and DSCs have a full time SAHM until they started primary school. This is because the 2 sets of parents have decided how to parent their children, doing what they believe to be best. Gosh what terrible people we must be...

Just wanted to say that Frau I have found your posts to be a breath of fresh air and I've enjoyed reading them

Petal, I assume the Mum arranges childcare or picks up her DD on the other two days pw

My two cents on this is that a) whatever happens six weeks will probably be long enough after birth to feel perfectly capable of doing the school run (it's hardly massive job that makes you into a beaten down skivvy a la AThingInYourLife's post. its a task that needs doing and you have the capacity to do it. I think to say a flat-out no is unreasonable and unkind to your dsd) and b) talk to your step daughter, ask her what she would like and tell her that you're worried about leaving yourself enough space for doing baby tasks/bonding/groups/whatever. You may be surprised at how maturely she can work with you to make solutions that suit the whole family. Involve her.

Reading this thread I hope to god that my xh never remarries.

Now, I understand that as a stepparent it must be frustrating to be in a position where you are expected to have the responsibilities for a child but not the right to e.g. discipline etc, I do get that. But this attitude that a stepchild is ?not my child,? even though said child lives with the family for the majority of the time I frankly quite horrible. Is it any wonder that stepmums get such a hard time on here when that is the way they think about their stepkids. The reason is because no mother would want to think that someone who was in a position of caring for their child for any amount of time had that attitude towards them ? as if they are an inconvenience compared to their own children.

It is very simple really. If you get involved with someone who has children then those children come as a package with the man you get involved with. No-one is saying that the kids need to call you mummy, but equally yes it does mean that all children should be treated as equals in your household regardless of whether they?re yours or his or the joint kids.

I wonder actually whether there is a corallation between the ?is not my child,? attitude and the lack of own pre-existing biological children. E.g. I wonder whether stepparents who already have their own children and thus are expecting their new partner to take those on as a package are more open to the idea of taking on someone else?s children and integrating those into their family in a way which those who do not have children appear to be unable to do, esp once they have their own children.