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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Today I really.....

22 replies

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 21/05/2013 14:35

Hate being a step-mum.

For a hundred reasons and not one of them has anything to do with my lovely step-children

I hate their mum for making everything so bloody difficult all the time and using them as a bargaining chip to get what she wants, I hate her for using them to upset dp and I really hate her for having any power over my life!

Right this minute I hate dp for letting her get away with it and for the fact he has been a complete bastard to me all week but won't say anything to ex incase she stops him seeing dsc next week.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry for the rant but I can't say it anywhere else

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

catsmother · 21/05/2013 14:40

I totally understand. Especially the bit about having a DP who'd far rather upset his partner than simply stand up and do what's right and fair for all concerned even if that does mean peeing off the ex (let's face it, for many of us, the fact we breathe is enough to upset an unreasonable ex).

BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 18:16

Sorry this had proper made me laugh cos its exactly the row I have regularly with my dp!

I have no advice other than hang in there, they grow a pair eventually according to some of my mates

dignifiedsilence · 22/05/2013 10:49

Aww I totally understand this!! They can get away with murder but if we have a fall out (always over the ex) then I am thrown out of his house or he threatens to call the police!! Fed up of it to be honest but don't know how to leave. Suggestions anyone? x

Kaluki · 22/05/2013 11:20

@ Dignified.
I feel the same sometimes but for the opposite reason. The only thing DP and I ever row about is his ex wife/his kids.

I get so frustrated by the fact that they have made two children together yet both refuse point blank to speak to each other. All communication is by text only where a simple phone call would make life so much simpler. Every text exchange turns into a bitter slanging match and he gets angry with her and grumpy with me as a result!
Their children are more mature than the pair of them!!!
Have a - you are in good company here!!

ticktocktammy · 22/05/2013 11:50

dignified silence: threatening to call the police if you have a row seems a bit extreme!

CrowsLanding · 22/05/2013 12:00

I completely understand how you are feeling, you are not alone!
My dp's ex is just unbelievably awful, she has caused so much heart ache not just for my dp and their Ds but for myself and my dc too.

I feel so sorry for her Ds and my dp but sometimes I just wish I was not involved with any of them, it sounds harsh saying it but I did not sign up for this, I love my dp more than anything but the thought of this crazy woman being in my life for the foreseeable future makes me feel sick.

I would love to tell you it gets easier but I have been dealing this for 5 years and if anything it has got worse.

I feel sorry for anyone who has been cursed with a toxic ex in their lives

CrowsLanding · 22/05/2013 12:03

dignified I'm sorry to hear you are going through that, that is terrible and he sounds very abusive. It sounds like this is not just a step parenting problem.

Have you spoken to the ladies on the relationship board? They are lovely and supportive over there and full of advice!

Original poster

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 22/05/2013 14:19

I'm glad it's not just me that feels like it.

dignified your situation sounds awful, dp can be an arse at times but he is never outright nasty to me.

We only ever argue over the ex and very very occasionally the dsc, it's always worse the week before we have the kids as she starts kicking off and threatens not to let them come and the week after because he misses them.
They live the other end of the country with their mum so we have them 1 weekend a month and every school holiday

OP posts:

Petal02 · 22/05/2013 15:23

I totally understand. Especially the bit about having a DP who?d far rather upset his partner than simply stand up and do what?s right and fair for all concerned, even if that does mean peeing off the ex

I completely understand that sentiment too. But sadly I think a lot of father?s simply find it easier to upset their new partner, rather than daring to rock the boat with the ex, even if she?s being completely unreasonable. I think the word here is ?cowardly.?

Original poster

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 22/05/2013 16:42

Oh I so get the text thing, dp and his ex refuse to speak to each other so only communicate through text which always quickly escalates into a slanging match, she is particularly nasty and vindictive, her current thing is to make comments about how her new boyfriend spends more time with the kids than dp does, but in my opinion he is just as bad because he rises to it every bloody time

We would love to have the kids more but she refuses to meet us half way even though we've offered to pay her petrol she then took the piss and said it cost her £80 each way and we simply don't have a spare £160 plus our petrol too (i have a 4x4 and it doesnt even cost me that much to do the full return journey) dp only gets 1 weekend off a month which is when we have them but he works nights so has to get some sleep and when we've done the full drive when he's been working we've either been back late and his late for work or he's too tired to go in.

That's what the problem is right now, she sent him a picture of the kids and new boyfriend bowling with some comment about them having a great time with their future step dad (they've been together 3mths) and dp has been snapping at me because if he says anything to her then she will stop contact over half term

OP posts:

Petal02 · 22/05/2013 18:24

His ex sounds like a complete nightmare, but the way he takes it out on you is not acceptable.

Original poster

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 22/05/2013 18:51

Oh trust me he doesn't get away with taking it out on me it's just exhausting having the same argument and discussions everytime.

OP posts:

dignifiedsilence · 22/05/2013 19:25

He can be really childish to be honest. He has called them before and they called round the next day to check I was ok. This was all after a row about his ex walking past my house every day and her eldest child harassing my daughter!! That will bugger up his chances if he has to go for a contact order won't it?
He never called them on his ex who has damaged my car (can't prove it) burst into his house and threw a glass of water over him when he got a new girlfriend (child in arms at the time), the list goes on...
Think I have taken on too much to be honest and I am getting ready to leave. Seems he can only grow a pair when it comes to me but she gets away with murder!! Sounds like a silly statement but I think I would have to have a child with this man in order to have the same respect, iyswim?
Please ladies can I ask for your honest opinions on this? What would you guys do? x x x

dignifiedsilence · 22/05/2013 19:26

P.S. Will not ever be having a child to this man

Petal02 · 22/05/2013 19:30

Dignified, you do raise an interesting comment, that you feel you'd only get respect if you had a child. I don't think you're the first step mum to feel that you come bottom of the list just because you've yet to reproduce.

Just for the record, I never like to tell someone to leave a relationship - it's very easy to judge from the sidelines when you don't have to live with the consequences.

dignifiedsilence · 22/05/2013 19:47

Thanks petal x x To be honest with you its other stuff as well and you are right it is easy to judge. I moved from my family and friends to be with him. As a temporary measure I am renting but because his house isn't finished and is 1 street away from his DC he won't leave this very small village. Not asking him to move 100 miles away just 1 mile....he won't budge and seems like he is making excuses. He says he will isolate his child if he moves. I find that statement totally ridiculous tbh. Meanwhile I can't or daren't do anything with her incase her mum kicks off and I react. Had my fill of this and feel I will be doing myself an injustice if she starts accusing again and I don't stick up for myself. soooo I won't take his DC anywhere on my own just in case...My child just got in a good school around here so I have well and truly dug myself a massive hole :(

whilewildeisonmine · 23/05/2013 16:16

DP does this! Everything is fine as long as his ex is satisfied, even if it means upsetting me. she has recently started going off shopping just before we arrive to drop off DSSs, meaning we're waiting on the car for 40 minutes (after saying she'd only be another 5-10-if we had realised we would have gone to the park or something for a bit). This has happened so many times in the past few months and it annoys me as I know there would be hell to pay if DP ever turned up late but DP won't say anything despite this making US late if we're going somewhere afterwards and DSSs being bored rigid. when I suggested he bring it up DP's 'solution' was to not plan anything after dropping off the DSSs in case she's late. we KNOW she's just trying to prove she's in control as that is just what she's like.

if it's ever brought up how accomodating he can be for her and his refusal to take my feelings into account it causes a row between us. It's not easy
It is quite refreshing to read on here that this is common behaviour though and not just me!

Fragglewump · 23/05/2013 16:26

Being a step mum is the hardest thing I've ever done. Some days I hate it hate it hate it. It's a thankless task. sometimes I love it but it is hard.

dignifiedsilence · 24/05/2013 08:13

Isn't it funny though that most of the problems are caused by our OH's lack of backbone and/or the nutty ex who for whatever motive won't let go rather than the DSC's themselves?

whilewildeisonmine · 24/05/2013 08:51

dignifiedsilence- I completely agree!

whilewildeisonmine · 24/05/2013 09:02

dignified - I have a child with DP but this doesn't make any difference to the way he treats me when it comes to his ex. She will always come before me and can be as vile as she chooses but I've had to learn to pick my battles otherwise DP and I would be constantly arguing. He gets very defensive if I dare to question the status quo.

Petal02 · 24/05/2013 10:10

I?ve had to learn to pick my battles otherwise DP and I would be constantly arguing. He gets very defensive if I dare to question the status quo.

Everything is fine as long as the ex is satisfied, even if it means upsetting me.

Isn?t it funny though that most of the problems are caused by our OH?s lack of backbone

Three very insightful comments which I can totally relate to. I often used to ask myself WHY DH used to dance to the tune of a woman who?d cheated, lied, broken up his marriage and generally made things as difficult as possible. Plus the obsession of ?not rocking the boat? ? do all these men really think they won?t get to see their children if they don?t toe the line with their ex? Ironically, in our situation, the ex used to ?punish? DH by despatching DSS to us more often, if he dared upset her ? which made a complete mockery of DH?s insistence of keeping her sweet to ensure contact was maintained.

The psychology that goes with these situations is incredibly complex, but sadly when there?s a child involved, the ex generally holds most of the cards.

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