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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Logistics issues

17 replies

chazbomb · 17/05/2013 18:02

DSS 13 is coming to stay for a week while his mum goes on holiday which is no problem apart from DH and I have 2 ds's 6 & 4 both of which will be at school when she goes away so the logistics of getting 3 kids to 2 schools for 8.30/8.45 are not very easy (DSS school is half and hour away) DH leaves for work around 7.30 not back till 6ish. I also work 2/3 days a week and my parents pick up ds's when I'm working, I wouldn't expect them to then Drive to get DSS. Ex w has told dh its his problem and to sort it!! Aibu to think she could she should help out to sort a solution, her parents only live 5/10 mins from us and are retired. After school she could perhaps arrange for him to go to a friends or even walk to his house and he'd have to wait until DH or I could collect him. Mornings are the real problem. I don't want to have to drive ds's on a hours round trip before school and not sure DSS would be happy getting up at 6am to be taken to his house before DH starts his trip to work. How do other people deal with this??

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UC · 17/05/2013 18:32

There may be plenty of solutions. TBH, I can see your DH's ex's point. Here, when the kids are with me, I sort childcare if needed, when they're with their dad, he does. Same with my DSSs.

Is there anywhere at DSS's school that he could sit and wait for you after school/be dropped off to early before school? School library? Can he go to his mum's and wait there for you to pick him up, or his grandparents. Doesn't your DH have contact details for his ex in-laws? Could he pick up the phone to them?

Can your DH go to work a bit later that week, and drop DSS at school? I don't see why you should be the one doing all the driving - he is DH's son after all.

I am guessing you don't know any of DSS's friends? Would his mum be willing to give you a couple of telephone numbers so you could arrange for him to go after school?

DSS is 13 - could he catch a bus?

Do you have a friend that you could drop your DCs to for say 8, so that you could drive DSS to school?

FrebbieMisaGREATshag · 17/05/2013 18:35

How is it the ex's problem? You and your DH agreed to have DSS, the logistics are your issue.

Xalla · 17/05/2013 18:43

Surely the schools have breakfast / after-school clubs? I have DSD7 at one school, DS4 at another school, DD2 at a different nursery. DS goes to breakfast club at his school and DSD goes to after-school at her school in order to enable me to do all 3 drop-offs.

Honestly, be grateful it's just for a week. We do it Wed, Thus and Fri every week!

theredhen · 17/05/2013 18:56

Well if you've agreed to have dss to help out mum, then I really don't think it's unreasonable for her to help out with some arrangements. If she had asked her mum, for example, to help out and she knew her mum worked in the mornings, I'm sure she wouldn't tell her mum "tough". But apparently it's ok to talk that way to your ex?

It's about finding a solution do that mum can have her holiday, dad and step mum can help out with minimal disruption and most if all so that the kids are happy and settled.

VBisme · 17/05/2013 18:57

I don't know how good your relationship is with DHs ex, but could you call her an ask if she can give you some names?

Unfortunately I think ultimately it's your DHs responsibility, but given his working hours practically it falls on your shoulders.

I think that the days you don't work will be manageable, your DCs will probably be excited to have their big brother around, so may not mind a long journey.

Could your DH do the drop offs when you are at work? (Go in a bit later / work later into the evening).

I also think the bus is a good idea.

mumandboys123 · 17/05/2013 19:16

how on earth is having your own child for a week 'helping out mum'? it is entirely different to ask a parent to parent their own child for several consecutive days than it is to ask someone else to help you out for a few hours here and there.

I would, however, call her bluff. If she is unable to recognise that there is an issue with travel and not ask her parents to help out and/or to have her son use public transport, then perhaps you simply need to say that you are unable to help out. Of course, she may have already exhausted her sources of support and they may well have said no which is why she's passed the buck.

theredhen · 17/05/2013 21:05

It's helping out mum because she has asked him and his partner to change their lives to suit her.

It's completely different if its regular agreed contact.

People build their lives around existing contact schedules, when that changes on the wishes of the resident parent, I see no reason why the resident parent can't help in ensuring things go for well for the child.

Jemma1111 · 17/05/2013 21:27

I would say that the ex is quite right in assuming that its your H's responsibility to sort out arrangements for HIS child whilst she is away .

She must spend more time caring for and worrying about her child with regards to childcare etc etc and now its your H's turn .

Original poster

chazbomb · 17/05/2013 22:11

If my DH job allowed for him to take time off and go in late/finish early ex would have a very different maintenance payment each month! I have no problem DSS coming to stay although we weren't 'asked' we've been told these are the dates I'm off, you sort out the logistics. Not really the way I'd handle it. We usually don't have any probs with these arrangements. In then past we've lt her know any days we are going to struggle and she's helped find solution. Not sure whats different this time.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 18/05/2013 06:45

If I want my ex to have my DCs extra days to suit me I'd always try and sort childcare first. And I'd be a bit miffed too if DSC were just "dumped" on us without negotiation for non-emergency reasons. You should always ask the other parent if they can cover extra days and "yes if you can help sort childcare is a legitimate answer.

But share the view suggested above that at 13 your DSS should be able to catch a bus. Or even a taxi as a last resort. He is also old enough to be able to be asked to find out his friend's phone numbers and suggest somewhere he could go after school. Or back to his mum's and wait there.

Original poster

chazbomb · 18/05/2013 08:32

We live in a village so we have no public buses, only a train station and there is no station in town where DSS goes to school. Looks like Italy have to be taxi, could be an expensive week!
I am really annoyed the ex is being like this, I wouldn't leave my kids not knowing how they would get or more importantly get back from school!

OP posts:

Original poster

chazbomb · 18/05/2013 08:38

That was ment to be it will, not Italy, thing could be worse he could have to get a taxi from Italy!!

OP posts:

purpleroses · 18/05/2013 10:17

Is there not somewhere you could drop DSS off where he could get a bus from, that's a bit less than half an hour away? Or get a train to somewhere nearer school, from where he then hops in a taxi?

BabyHMummy · 21/05/2013 10:57

Her attitude stinks!

Can u ask her parents or the parent of a friend to have him or help out on school runs maybe til u are able to.collect/ drop off?

Petal02 · 21/05/2013 11:21

Is there any reason why DSS couldn't stay with the ex's parents instead of you? If they live 5/10 mins from school, it would be easier all round.

And yes, I know the OP's DH is the child's father, but that doesn't help get him to school, does it?

Alwayscheerful · 23/05/2013 08:04

The grandparents live 5/10 mins from OP it from school.

Galangal · 23/05/2013 08:40

They aren't bring left without knowing how they are getting to and from school - she's leaving it up to their other parent to organise, which is fair enough.

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