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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

dealing with the ex and issues with doc's

19 replies

BabyHMummy · 09/04/2013 20:40

Sorry to bug ppl but am unsure how to approach this with dp's ex or even dp...

I have concerns over the ex and how she is or rather isn't looking after my dsc's. They are unhealthily under weight and refused to eat anything but chicken nuggets sausages and pizza. They are always riddled with nits and despite being repeatedly told ex does sweet fa about it.

They are 7 & 9 and both have issues with going to the toilet. Dsd get a rash like nappy rash as she never wipes when she goes to the toilet and frequently.wets herself.

Due to dp's shifts we only have them 2 weekends out of 6 so onus is on ex to care for them. We have tried to ask.for every other weekend but ec has told solicitor that she doesn't trust me to look after kids....i am a girl guider, ex teacher and have enhanced crb i also private tutor so am more that qualified to look after them

How do i approach the ex or make dp do it without creasing ww3

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 10/04/2013 00:27

Quite simply - you don't, and you can't make your DP do anything.

If you have child protection concerns, you can report them to SS or the NSPCC - but in your situation, I'd be asking myself whether I wanted to remain in a relationship with a man who was unwilling to step in and protect his DCs in this situation.

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 10/04/2013 08:19

He is trying but she isn't listening and he isn't very good at putting his foot down

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 10/04/2013 08:55

That's a common issue for a lot of SM's - but that's just the way it is, I'm afraid.

If a DCs parents choose to do things in a particular way, you can't do anything about it. It will inevitably end in disaster if you "make" him do something he is unwilling to - you will be blamed by both parents when things go wrong.

KarmaBitch · 10/04/2013 10:32

I agree with NOTA. If your DP is as concerned with the situation as you are then he should be putting his foot down with the ex (regardless of being afraid to) or inform the necessary authorities.

Although you are greatly concerned yourself, you are in a no win situation. The onus is on your DP to say or do something. If you take it on yourself to take charge of the situation then you'll probably be accused of over-stepping the mark.

Is your DP's ex struggling and in need of extra help but afraid to ask?

Booyhoo · 10/04/2013 10:37

i couldn't be with a man who chose to let his dcs live like that rather than re arranging his work schedule, moving out from his partner (as you are the excuse they cant stay more apparently) and involving SS. he needs to make himself the primary carer if their mother isn't looking after their health or nutrition. but as he seems so blasé about it, it'd be pretty disappointed in him as a human being and i'd dump him and find someone decent.

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 10/04/2013 15:59

She ia using me as an excuse as she gets more money out of dp whatever onus is on her.

He has tried everything but is reluctant to involve ss at this stage. Unfortunately as he has mortgage etc to pay on house they still own together changing his work is not an option as much as he would love to.

I have spoken to him about it this week and he is as worried as me which is why he is fighting to get him access changed...the solicitor basically told her to man up she couldn't dictate who the kids spend time with on their dad's weekends and when it suits her for me to have them so she can go out with her boyf or go shopping without them she is more that happy for me to look after them.

While divorce and custody is still going thru he doesn't want to rock the boat too much but i am struggling to bite my tongue.

She has got worse since he laid down the law about selling their house and not owing her a lifestyle.

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 10/04/2013 16:02

Oh right so he is dealing with it then? You really just have to leave him to it. There isnt anything that you can do that he isnt already doing.

Booyhoo · 10/04/2013 16:03

Your first post and your last posts dont tally up tbh

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 10/04/2013 16:09

He ia trying to but i just don't feel he ia putting his foot down enough

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 10/04/2013 16:12

U said he has tried everything

KarmaBitch · 10/04/2013 17:48

If he has been to his solicitor about more access - has he mentioned his concerns? They could have a huge bearing on his access arrangements being changed.

NotaDisneyMum · 10/04/2013 18:50

I feel quite sorry for him! He's seeking legal advice, and presumably following it, but he's being criticised by the OP for not doing enough for his own DCs.

OP Could you not accept that he is doing his best and support him? What else do you think he should be doing?

Booyhoo · 10/04/2013 19:06

i agree nota. i'm struggling with what OP thinks he should be doing or even what she could do that would do more than the father of the children can do!

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 10/04/2013 22:21

The custody has been discussed between the 2 of them and via mediation.

As for the rest. I think he should be being more forth right with his ex and putting his foot down hard rather than treason lightly so.as not to hurt her feelings.

I am mostly just frustrated that there isn't more i can do.

Nota - will suggest he raises our concerns at mediation

OP posts:

Original poster

BabyHMummy · 10/04/2013 22:27

And for the record i was asking for help inhw to approach it with him and his ex not to be attacked by you both

OP posts:

mumandboys123 · 10/04/2013 22:34

how do you know the children are actually underweight? have you weighed them and plotted their weight/heights on the appropriate scales? are they tall children at all or is the family a particularly slim one?

I was of the understanding that many children will 'only' eat freezer food (as I call it) and that it isn't generally considered an issue - some food is better than none, particularly if the child is very thin and you're concerned about them eating enough? Rather than give them the food they ask for, have you simply tried the 'this is the meal we are having if you don't want it you go hungry' method with them? I also think there's a need to be careful with children and things like vegetables - I put them on my children's plate every day and if they're not touched, there is nothing other than fruit for pudding. My youngest isn't bothered by this - should I force feed him as he really isn't eating vegetables at all? If he eats the pizza but not the salad should I not have given him the pizza at all?

As for the nits, these can be difficult to get rid off unless you are persistent - there was a thread on this the other day and I said then that I am aware my neighbour's child has an on-going issue with nits and I'm as sure as I can be that the issue is taken seriously by the parents and dealt with every time she comes home (this has included cutting her hair very short). There is consensus amongst parents that there is a particular child who's parents are not dealing with the nits - but how do you ascertain who is and who isn't?

Logically, if you were a judge, are you going to order a change of residence based on this information?

Your partner needs to make a case which shows that being in his household on a regular basis is in the children's best interests. Unless you are able to get professional evidence that there are concerns about the children, I would avoid taking that route as it's just mud-slinging and the court system doesn't like it. We can all find fault in our ex's parenting if we try hard enough. The other issue, of course, is that it can't be that bad if he's just standing by and letting it happen... what discussions has your partner had with the children's school? are the teacher's concerned at all? are they turning up at school on time? reading/homework done? are they considered clean and generally happy children? are they eating school dinners like they're going out of fashion? The children have a right to be part of their father's household, to know their father's family, to have dad around when they go to bed and when they get up, to have him involved in their education etc. etc. And this includes a relationship with you and your family (although he shouldn't dwell on this - it's about him and his relationship with his children).

Oh and teachers, tutors, girl guiders and people with clear CRB checks are not exempt from abusing children. If your partner is going to use that in court it needs to come across in a way which is addressing mum's concerns (that you're somehow not trust worthy) and not as some trump card which suggests you are automatically a good person to be around. The difference is subtle but important if you want a judge on-side.

Booyhoo · 10/04/2013 22:42

you haven't been attacked. your posts contradict each other.

there isn't more you can do because you are neither the children's mother or their father. you have no authority to do more than their father.
you said in a previous post "While divorce and custody is still going thru he doesn't want to rock the boat too much ". in your 2nd most recent post you say "I think he should be being more forth right with his ex and putting his foot down hard rather than treason lightly so.as not to hurt her feelings. "

so is he trying not to rock the boat during divorce and custody procedings or is he trying not to hurt her feelings?

it is not a case of him 'putting his foot down' (and certainly not up to you to make him). if he wants the best for his children he will go through all the channels available to him to make sure they are being cared for properly. putting his foot down will do nothing other than antagonise the situation even more and will make him look as though he is trying to bully his ex into doing what he wants.
you dont approach anything with his ex. you have to stay out of it. support him, yes, but do not get involved in discussions with his ex.

also you say he is 'fighting' for his access and that he has tried everything but then say he should be more forthright. well if he can be more forthright then he isn't really fighting or trying everything. which is it?

i really think you need to step back from this and realise that it isn't your battle. it's not up to you how forthright or not someone else is about their dcs.

NotaDisneyMum · 10/04/2013 23:44

It's very easy to be forthright and direct with someone when you don't have any emotional baggage to deal with.

It's a lot harder for your DP to see his ex the way you do. They created a child together. However the marriage ended, he will be feeling guilty for his part in that, and grieving the loss of the marriage that he entered into believing it would last forever.

It sounds like your DP is doing a brilliant job; not allowing those feelings to overwhelm him and dealing with his ex in a formal and official way.
From what you have said, it sounds like he has plenty of ammunition to mudsling if he wanted to - the fact that he hasn't reacted to his ex's unreasonable behaviour is to be commended. If you continue to encourage him to fight his ex, then he may decide that you are not suitable to be around his DD regardless of your clearance and qualifications.

fllowtheyellowbrickroad · 11/04/2013 07:21

It is probably confusing to you as to why he isn't "rowing" with her and slinging mud as that would presumably be easier to stomach than him being cordial to his ex. But there seems to be a master plan which is that he takes the correct route to gaining access to his children.

It sounds like the divorce is a fairly recent one so no "status quo" in terms of where the children are. No reason for him not to get a reasonable amount of access as king as he can show that this will work around his other commitments. If your relationship is in early stages they won't be thinking if you as a solution to his problem if being available to his children I'm afraid.

You need to step back and disengage, use it as an opportunity to see how your partner functions. How does he treat others? How does he communicate with you about what is going on? Does he step up to the plate? Watch and listen and stop trying to be a third parent at this stage.

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