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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

At my wits end with things like this!!

133 replies

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 05/04/2013 16:36

I've just posted a Facebook status that reads:

"Daniel and my two beautiful boys mean the whole world to me."

That's my partner and our two sons. I love them to the end of the universe and back.

Then I get a comment off BIL saying, "And X as your step daughter."

I am furious with him. Sick and tired of him saying stuff like this. I swiftly corrected him and told him that I do not call her that and that I am not her stepmum. I am her dad's girlfriend. Am I so so wrong that I do not love her as much as my partner and my two children? I mean, I don't treat her any differently, but the feelings of love just aren't there. So if I don't want to include her in a bloody Facebook status I won't! So so so petty.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

allnewtaketwo · 05/04/2013 21:38

Do it doesn't sound like you've got them out of your lives at all . Yet it all seems to be affecting your mental health ( I really don't mean to sound unkind, it's just that you sound at the end of your tether at quite an extreme level).

Original poster

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 05/04/2013 21:52

Allnew, no you don't sound unkind at all. This time it really has to stop and we all need to keep our distance. I just snapped this afternoon.

OP posts:

Snazzynewyear · 05/04/2013 21:54

Right, well, I would say that taking DSD and never DS is not on. Both (at least 75% of the time; I can see there might occasionally) be things that are suitable for an older child only) should go, or neither. And your DP should spell that out to them.

allnewtaketwo · 05/04/2013 21:58

I can identify with your position because MIL was doing this. At one pint we were at her house with the children and she actually gave DSSs drinks and chocolate, but DS nothing. I was furious, DH and I had huge rows but eventually he did say to her it wasn't acceptable. I had threatened (and meant it) to DH that if it didn't stop, she wasn't welcome in our house and I wouldn't be going anywhere near hers either

Original poster

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 05/04/2013 22:09

It's awful isn't it when it happens? I just don't get how some GPs can do that to their own grandchildren. Good on you standing up to them. You've done a better job than me because you haven't taken it out on your SCs.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 05/04/2013 22:13

I'm not saying I reacted well either, but as a mother the instinct to protect your own child is so very strong, I can't say I'd blame you in reacting negatively.

Tbh my MIL very much still has these "tendencies" but wouldn't dare be so obvious any more

pictish · 05/04/2013 22:49

Op all power to you for owning up. Really and truly.You know it's not right. Don't bother trying to play them at their own game...you're not like that, and thank fuck you're not.

Don't let this go any further. Treat your stepdaughter with the kindness and regard you would see your sons treated with. Then you may hold your head up high and know that you behaved impeccably.

Start today.

flurp · 05/04/2013 22:53

I think I said this on your other thread. Tell them it's all gc or none. Or at least the 2 year old and DSD until the baby is old enough to understand.
It sounds like your DP is 100% behind you so if they won't be fair then cut them off.
Your mental health and your family unit must come first.
Your BiL sounds like a shit stirring dickhead!

Booyhoo · 05/04/2013 23:09

this is very sad for all involved, including OP. life is so much more enjoyable when you dont have to battle through negative feelings about people who are in it.

OP think ahead, your behaviour sets a standard. it tells your DSes how they should expect to be treated by a step father if you and dp were ever to separate. would you accept this treatment of them by the person you chose to share your life with? could you love someone who treated your dses like this?

OP i wonder what would happen if you just decided, regardless of what anyone else did or said to you or your dses or sdd, to love this little girl. draw a line under how you have felt about her in the past and start new. just tell yourself that you are going to love her and that you and she will have a special unique relationship, one that no-one else has with her. i think you're missing out on what could be a lovely relationship for both of you.

iluvsummer · 06/04/2013 00:31

My pil were like this dss everything our son nothing! They even used to sit there and say to dss you're no. 1 grandson in front of me, ds and dh! I do not have ANY contact with them anymore neither does ds. Their loss not my ds, they will not be able to pour their toxic poison into him they way they have to dss, this does mean that ds and dss don't have much of a relationship either but unfortunately that's the way it's turned out and we just get on with it!

lunar1 · 06/04/2013 09:33

Op, you sound like you are better than all this point scoring and just got caught up in it all.

Your dh really needs to lay down the law with your Inlaws over the favouritism. I guess all you can do is keep reminding yourself that you are a better person and that your dsd is innocent in all this mess.

Original poster

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 06/04/2013 11:38

DSD just came up to me with a picture she has drawn and explained that it is her family. She said, "It's you, daddy, me, X and X (brothers). She wrote above the picture, "I love One Direction and my family lots and lots."

Then she asked me, "You're part of my family aren't you?"

I felt a huge lump in my throat when she said that, and replied, "Yes"

Really brought it home to me.

OP posts:

Booyhoo · 06/04/2013 11:53

she wants you to want her as part of your family. she was asking your permission to consider you part of hers.

this girls wants you to love her.

break the habits of the past and start putting the foundations in place for a great step-parent/child relationship. she's clearly willing, it's only you that is holding back on this. you are getting to dictate how your relationship with her pans out. choose to make it good. only you can do it.

exoticfruits · 06/04/2013 12:08

You can indeed make it a good relationship -your OP made you sound quite an unpleasant person, when quite plainly you are not! You are letting the ILs get to you-they are the problem not DSD. They want a reaction-don't give it to them-ignore, ignore, ignore (even if you have to grit your teeth to do it).

mumvswild · 07/04/2013 03:55

Branleuse - Yabac- priceless!

TheFallenNinja · 07/04/2013 04:11

Wow. That sounds pretty stone cold.

Original poster

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 07/04/2013 12:26

Yeah well if you care to read the whole thread.

Hth.

OP posts:

nailak · 07/04/2013 12:42

i think maybe there are some misunderstandings, my own mum will take my dds 6 and 4 out and have them at hers without me and stuff mut wouldn't take my 2 year old ds as he does require more looking after. I don't think this is wrong.

Original poster

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 07/04/2013 13:24

Well if that works for you and your 2 year old then I'm happy for you.

OP posts:

mumvswild · 07/04/2013 14:46

Well it was fitting at the start of the thread. It wasn't really directed at OP, it was appreciation of the term, acronym actually.
Glad to see OP coming around a bit.
My 2yo often stays when the older DCs visit with the GPs because he is a handful and they are getting on a bit, he is welcome of course but generally with me there to do the bulk of the child care. GPs just want to do fun things with the time they have available not nappies and tantrums as well as everything else visits with kids entails. I hope this is the case with your ILs.

mumvswild · 07/04/2013 14:49

May have confused posts there, sorry. Good luck OP. A bit sad that she didn't include her own DM in her family picture.

Booyhoo · 07/04/2013 17:14

Op why so snappy with everyone?

Snazzynewyear · 07/04/2013 17:29

So are you going to say all or no GC to her, OP? A few of us have suggested it now.

Original poster

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 07/04/2013 18:29

Yeah Snazzy she knows the drill. Tries to choose to ignore it of course but we're not having it. She thinks the whole, "they come as a packag" thing is ridiculous. Her loss.

OP posts:

Original poster

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 07/04/2013 18:30

*package

OP posts:

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