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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Grandparent contact

15 replies

2blessed2bstressed · 23/03/2013 15:52

Was just wondering if anyone could answer this for me please?
Dp and his ex are renegotiating their maintenance agreement just now as dsc are spending a lot more time with dp than they used to in the past.
One sticking point is that his ex doesn't think that the time they spend with dps parents in the school holidays counts as time they are with dp so shouldn't be included when they are adding up days.
Dsc have always gone to their grandparents for 3 or 4 nights in the holidays, they live just over 100 miles away and have a 2 bed bungalow. The kids love spending time on their own there, and dp would have to sleep on the sofa if he stayed - so he usually doesn't.
Dp is quite happy for these nights not to be counted if that's what is normally the case, just wants clarification.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 23/03/2013 16:09

I think it depends who chooses to send them to the grandparents. If your DP's ex works it out for herself (eg to cover time working) then it's her time. If your DP arranges it, then it's his time. Why does it matter so exactly though? Is this about determining how much child support he pays?

Original poster

2blessed2bstressed · 23/03/2013 16:11

Dp arranges it, with her blessing, her parents live in the same town as all of us, so they see them on a more casuall, regular basis. And yes, it is mainly about sorting out finances.

OP posts:

olibeansmummy · 23/03/2013 16:13

I think it depends who organises the contact and who takes them/ where they leave from iyswim.

olibeansmummy · 23/03/2013 16:14

Sorry x post!

purpleroses · 23/03/2013 17:51

So they're his parents, and he sorts it out. Which means I think they should count as your DP's contact nights. His choice if he wants to send them to grandparents or a sleepover at a friend's or whatever.

Original poster

2blessed2bstressed · 23/03/2013 19:31

Ok, that's what he thought too. Thank you for your speedy replies!

OP posts:

Petal02 · 24/03/2013 12:38

I agree with the advice you've been given, but I'm surprised that the ex is quibbling over the "cost" of a few days here and there spent with grand parents .......

billingtonssugar · 25/03/2013 11:10

Definitely your DPs time with kids. If the grandparents asked for any money for entertainment while they were there presumably it would be your dp that would provide it. Also, I guess it's him driving them there etc and potentially taking them for lunch/ buying flowers for his mum Eric etc to say thanks for having the kids..? Definitely his time, none of Mums business what he does with the kids during that time. For all she knows he may pay his parents for looking after them..

Strange thing to argue. If it counted as time they weren't with Dad maybe mum should hand over those days maintenance to the grandparents

billingtonssugar · 25/03/2013 11:10

Don't know who Eric is

Original poster

2blessed2bstressed · 25/03/2013 13:19

Eric

OP posts:

NotAsNiceAsMyMum · 25/03/2013 13:23

she can choose to send them in her time.
he can choose to send them in his time.
The GPs can agree to either/both/none of these requests.

NotAsNiceAsMyMum · 25/03/2013 13:23

and Eric can send them too :)

catsmother · 25/03/2013 13:49

DP's ex used to quibble over this exact same thing - she was desperate to get the no. of nights spent in their dad's house "down" so she could get more CSA money (not because she was desperate in the true sense of the word - she's mortgage free FFS and had free childcare from her parents - but due to spite). To put it into perspective, the skids used to spend around 80 to 90 nights a year with their dad but when she discovered she'd get more money if it was under 52, then under 52 it went - with lots of last minute cancelled visits, stupid excuses, kids "encouraged" to stay with her and so on.

Anyway, all this went on for years, with her perpetually calling the CSA to get them to reassess and DP fighting to see his kids more. One of her big bugbears was time spent out of this house - which was usually with grandparents (talking max. 7 or 8 nights pa). She argued that if DP wasn't there as well it didn't count as an overnight regardless of the fact she had no responsibility and no expense at that time. Conversely, DP obviously drove them there and back, gave his parents a contribution for food and was always the first call if anything happened. IIRC, the CSA weren't too sure what to do about her complaints (not that they ever seem to be sure about anything, left hand doesn't know what the right hand's doing) - can even remember DP's mum writing to them at one point to confirm DP had also stopped over for example, but eventually - I think - they agreed that these infrequent visits did count as "his" time as they were in his care more than they were in hers.

Petal02 · 25/03/2013 14:51

Catsmother ? I know exactly what you mean. DH?s ex used to want the best of both worlds, ie she wanted DSS out of the way as much as possible, whilst still having the highest possible payments in maintenance. But it?s always been a ?one way street?, we only need to have a very small reduction in access one week, and she?s immediately banging on about going to the CSA, yet she overlooks all the times we have extra access. And as DH puts it, it?s not like we request a rebate if we have DSS for an extra night!

The fun will really start in June, when DSS can, and will, legally stop paying maintenance. We?re fully expecting the ex to push DSS in our direction as much as possible.

catsmother · 25/03/2013 15:04

Pay to view !!

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