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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

My Jealousy & Paranoia

106 replies

EvilEdna2909 · 09/03/2013 14:26

I have been with my DP for 11 months now. He has DD who is 2 and a DS who is 9 months. We and my boyfriend were going out for nearly 3 months when his DS was born. Everything is amicable with his ex and have ni rela problems. The problem lies with me. I have never wanted children and was okay that my DP had a girl and a boy on the way cos i thought he wouldnt need any more children if hes got one of each.
And now its the opposite. For the past couple of month ive realised i want children and the fact that he has a boy ang a girl spoilts it for me. In the future Im going to have his third kid, his 2nd boy or girl. its not going to be special at all. His going to do everything with his two before mine. When mine come along it wont be nothing new and exciting to him. Its driving us apart.Please help

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 14/03/2013 09:36

MandMand that really is off topic FGS. Do you go onto ttc threads and say similar? Hmm

EvilEdna2909 · 14/03/2013 12:43

I dont want my children to be more special at all I just thought with him having a boy and girl ours wont be special. He loves his children looks after them takes them everywhere and pays for both we could say more for some men these days. And the kids were a shock to him but that doesn't mean to say he didn't want either of them. So yet again your making nasty commenta and judgements on a situation and someone u know absolutely nothing about. I dear hope that your not like this in real life cos I cant imagine that u would keep friends for very long. Calling my boyfriend a nob when he has looked after his two children is out of order. He trusted his ex to not do it again as she reassured him she wouldn't but then she did. How the hell is that hes fault?? Should everyone who is a relationship not believe their girlfriends not trust them not give them second chances and put a condom everytime they have sex incase they stop taking the pill? Ur not being realistic. My boyfriend made mistakes as everyone has but he is far from a nob. He takes responsibility for both of his kids! You obviously don't see theres anything wronfg with someone atoo takjng the pill and using innocent children to trap someone so maybe its something u tried to do yourself who knows. I don't care. Dont bother posting afain coldirz cos I won't be reading any comment u say. Get a grip. Ur obviously bored or things in your life arent going so well so u feel the need to try and bring other people down. Get a life

OP posts:
EvilEdna2909 · 14/03/2013 12:45

And mandmand he has a fairly good job which is why as ive said his ex done the whole stop taking the pill thing cos he has decent money

OP posts:
flurp · 14/03/2013 12:54

So nobody here has ever had unprotected sex with a long term partner then and all your pregnancies were planned were they??
How is it up there on your moral highground?
FFS what does it matter how his dc were conceived? They were and they are here and he is supporting them.
The OP is being honest about her feelings and instead of getting support and advice, her DP is being slated for something that is nobody elses business!!
Unbelievable.

allnewtaketwo · 14/03/2013 13:10

Clearly some of the bitter posters on here have had unprotected sex with nobs themselves, so not sure why they're attacking the OP

Mandmand you're implicitly assuming that a woman is financially reliant on a man to fund her maternity leave? How enlightened of you. And assuming she will have to work full time after a child as her partner won't be able to afford otherwise. Again, how enlightened. I hope you bring up any daughters with broader horizons than you have.

EvilEdna2909 · 14/03/2013 13:16

Thank u flurp. I personally havent heard anybody constantly use condoms every time they have sex when in a long term relationship. Colditz has implied that he abandoned a pregnant woman and a toddler, that he has fed me a load of bull shit, that he was horrible to her that at 4 months so she couldnt take no more when in actual fact it was a mutual decision between them and ive heard that from his ex's mouth! Like I said maybe entrapment is something colditz has tried to and was unsuccessful or maybe just bored and bitter. Who knows and who cares

OP posts:
Stepmooster · 14/03/2013 13:18

There are a lot of bitter people on MN Edna, who can only assume that because they have come across scumbags that other men who are not with their children's mothers are also scumbags. I would just ignore them. I think I am some what like you and prone to overthinking. This is how I am interpreting your posts, I may be well off the mark. You are 24 and you have fallen in love with a man with 2 very young children, and that is not what you expected in life. No one has daydreams about falling in love with a man with children already. Now you are 11 months in, and you can see how much he adores his children and you are unsure if he will a) really want anymore children with you in 5+ years time b) that he will find it all old hat. And perhaps you want to know now in order to save yourself heartache. I am afraid no one is going to be able to tell you the answer, and all I can say is go with your instincts, you know your DP best not us.

A lot of people are advising you to just relax and not worry about it an wait and see, but in 5 years time you could've wholly commited yourself to this man and his children at the expense of having children of your own, or you do have children with him but their daddy may not really love or want them, and is just doing it to please you? So how can you jsut relax 5 years is a long time to wait. Yes this is the sort of weird overthinking I can relate to, and I have to say sometimes not without merit, but more often than not apt to ruin your life.

Your DP has tried to reassure you deep down maybe you don't believe him? Or you are feeling insecure about something in your relationship? I don't know, you are still young and I would think that if this is bothering you so much now maybe your DP is not the man for you? Or perhaps to put it another way you are not the lady for your DP. Perhaps if it is bothering you so much walking away now may save your sanity. Being a mother is not easy bieng a mother and a stepmother is even harder, add in a whole host of worries justified or not, then that is not a pleasant life to make for you, your DP his kids and any possible kids you may have.

When my DH and started on our relationship I told him straight away, I want children, I want a family and I don't want fall in love with someone who might not want to go through it all again. My DH really wanted to have more children, he missed his son and his stepchildren and longed to have a house full of kids again. His face just beamed tbh when I brought it up, he didn't have to say yes I want to have more children it was written over his face.

I had a slight worries and fears when I was pregnant, hormones go everywhere. However I was so relieved in the early days of DD life that DH knew what he was doing.

EvilEdna2909 · 14/03/2013 13:27

Stepmooster thanks for ur input I know what your saying. I know I am only 24 and being with my dp for just 11 month but u know deep down he is the only one for me. He really loves me and will do anything for me. My dp has tried n tried to reassure me saying it will be different when we have a family cos he'll be a full time dad rather than just one night a week. But I just worry myself stupid and my mind goes into over drive. My dp is a really good dad and I know he would be to our children. I want my dp to be happy and excited when we have kids and im scared he won't be though he assures me that when we have a baby it will be the happiest day of his life.

OP posts:
Mendi · 14/03/2013 14:17

You still haven't explained whether, if you already had a child and then had another, you'd consider the second 'not special' just because you already had one.

If your answer is 'of course I would think my second child was just as special as the first' then your whole paranoid scenario re your DP's kids is baseless.

You don't seem to have much clarity of thought on this, hence why a lot of the posters on this thread are saying you sound so immature.

EvilEdna2909 · 14/03/2013 14:33

Sorry mendi I hadn't answered ive had so much to answer! And I know ur completely right if I had 3 boys and 2 girls and had a boy on the way the child woukd not be any less special. I know I have been irrational and stupid but I think a big part is that I don't have existing children so I didn't quite understand but hearing from mothers on here I know how stupid ive been. Ive just been over thinking and scared incase my dp is disappointed when we have a child. I know now it was all a load of bull shit on my part.

OP posts:
ilovepicnmix · 14/03/2013 15:59

I am shocked at how horrible some people are being! That's all.

colditz · 14/03/2013 16:17

Being rude to and about me won't make you feel better. Sorry about that.

I am not being spiteful when I suggest you don't have children yet. I am absolutely serious. I think, with the level of jealousy and paranoia you have going on with the two children your partner already has, that you will be constantly going on at him (which you must already be doing or why would such an allegedly wonderful man be threatening to leave you, which you told us on Saturday) and you will be deeply unhappy.

allnewtaketwo · 14/03/2013 18:00

The bit in your latest post is hardly the nastiest element if your posts in this thread colditz. Calling her partner a knob for example, calling her situation sordid. She only came on here asking for advice and her responses show she is taking heed of the sensible advice shes been given. Resorting to name calling is unnecessary and nasty

allnewtaketwo · 14/03/2013 18:00

The bit in your latest post is hardly the nastiest element if your posts in this thread colditz. Calling her partner a knob for example, calling her situation sordid. She only came on here asking for advice and her responses show she is taking heed of the sensible advice shes been given. Resorting to name calling is unnecessary and nasty

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 14/03/2013 18:26

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that calling the OP immature is, quite frankly, very patronising.

Just because she has these feelings/worries doesn't make her sound immature at all. In fact, I think it's very mature of her addressing these feelings NOW rather than ignoring it. Like I said before, sometimes people need to take a step back and think about their future when there is the prospect of potentially being a step parent. Just because she hasn't been in this situation before doesn't make her immature at all. It's a lot to take in and she was asking for advice.

She's 24 years old for Christ's sake.

colditz · 14/03/2013 18:29

The situation is sordid, and a man who fucks someone he later claims to have never loved, without using a condom, and gets her pregnant AGAIN, is a knob. He is. It's not the behavior of a nice person who respects women.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 14/03/2013 18:32

MandMand

I think the OP is probably well aware that a man's financial obligation to his first family doesn't end Just because he decides to start a second family with someone else. She hasn't even raised concerns about the financial side of things but yet someone just has to mention it.

What makes you think he can't afford to have any more?

Chip on your shoulder much?

EvilEdna2909 · 14/03/2013 18:33

I agree I should not have children yet and I have never said that I plan to. Everyone has suggested I should not have kids yet which I totally agree but colditz u have called my dp a nob, horrible so have you have audacity to complain about me being rude to you god only knows! 'abandoned a pregnant woman with a toddler' 'dont have children yet cos when ur 4 month pregnant he may realise the situations not working he'll be that horrible you'll have enough too'. All absolutely false and assumptions and judgements on a situation and people who u know absolutely nothing about

OP posts:
colditz · 14/03/2013 18:53

I did not complain abut you being rude to me, I merely pointed out that doing so won't make you happy, but do carry on if you believe it will cheer you up, because I genuinely don't mind.

Secondly.

Your boyfriend claims he did not love his ex when he got her pregnant either time. She clearly loved him, but instead of doing the decent thing and moving out, he carried on shagging her without using a condom.

Nice men do not behave like that. Nice men behave nicely. Knobs behave like that. Therefore ...... ?

allnewtaketwo · 14/03/2013 19:43

Why "she clearly loved him" Hmm

EvilEdna2909 · 14/03/2013 20:43

Yet again colditz ur making assumptions about people u dont know about. His ex did not love him it was his money and security which she liked so thats why she was scared incase he was going to leave and stopped taking her pill. Again this has came from her mouth not my dp. And yes he should have left he knows that but leaving your child and not seeing them everyday is easier said than done. .And that was the first time I stuck up for myself to you..being rude to people and calling them names obviously makes u happy cos u seem very miserable

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 14/03/2013 23:22

Maybe she didn't love him either Hmm

Doesn't change the point Colditz is making though does it?

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 06:51

The point she is making is unrelated to the OP's question, and notwithstanding this, colditz has repeated and repeated her point over and over and over. Swearing and raging at the OP pretty viciously in a way that shows very clearly she's treating the OP like the husband stealer who her own partner left her for

colditz · 15/03/2013 07:54

That's so off base, it's hilarious. Have fun guys.

Ps PLEASE don't have a baby yet.

colditz · 15/03/2013 08:02

Oh, also I have not been dumped since I was seventeen, but I have seen a lot of my friends tolerate "nice guys"who really are not at all nice, as their behavior demonstrates. Nice guys do nice things. Nice guys treat people nicely. Nice guys do not impregnate someone they don't love and intend to leave.

Isn't it a little worrying how many girls don't realise this? That, to them, "nice" means "loves me"? That it doesn't matter how he has treated everyone else who has ever crossed his path, they are "different" and what they have is "special" and he will definitely "change"?

It is something that repeats constantly on mumsnet, it's worth researching.