My Jealousy & Paranoia

[EvilEdna2909]

I have been with my DP for 11 months now. He has DD who is 2 and a DS who is 9 months. We and my boyfriend were going out for nearly 3 months when his DS was born. Everything is amicable with his ex and have ni rela problems. The problem lies with me. I have never wanted children and was okay that my DP had a girl and a boy on the way cos i thought he wouldnt need any more children if hes got one of each.
And now its the opposite. For the past couple of month ive realised i want children and the fact that he has a boy ang a girl spoilts it for me. In the future Im going to have his third kid, his 2nd boy or girl. its not going to be special at all. His going to do everything with his two before mine. When mine come along it wont be nothing new and exciting to him. Its driving us apart.Please help

[EvilEdna2909]

Thank you. I went into it with no worries at all my paranoia only started when I realised I do actually want children one day and was worried it was not the way I imagined it be or it wont be special for my dp.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

Honestly I can completely see where you are coming from. Doesn't make you a bad person at all and it's better to be honest rather than bottle it up. Just think of it this way, a lot of couples still together go on to have subsequent children after having their first, but they still love their children all the same and find them just as exciting. The only difference in your case is that his children he has now aren't with you. Don't worry, if he's a good parent he will love them all the same!

[mumandboys123]

EvilEdna - my ex left me pregnant so I am somewhat sensitive, as I am sure you can understand. His girlfriend was fed so much..crap about me it's unbelievable. No sane person would believe it. He's had a few girlfriends since and presumably they all believe his crap or they wouldn't be with him. The story you tell is not dissimilar to the story my ex tells people. I'll tell you something different.

You need a lot of luck. Hope it works out.

[Mendi]

How old are you?

[flurp]

She said earlier.
She's 24.

[Mendi]

Sorry, didn't see that. OP, 24 is quite young and you sound very immature. Why not give your relationship chance to develop before stamping your foot about something your DP cannot do anything about (and, I assume, would not want to).

You should not be jealous of small children, particularly the children of the man you say you love. The emotions you're expressing are not borne of love; they are borne of a massive degree of insecurity.

[EvilEdna2909]

Mumsandboys I can understand but there decision was a mutual decision to separate they had both enough and this is not just came from my dp but also from his ex. I had spoken to his ex before me and my dp got serious to get the truth first. And mendi I am insecure and I think its cos also I don't have children myself so I don't understand. I have tunnel vision I see it hes got a boy and a girl and if he plays with and loves them he'll be content and wont be as eager to have anymore amd if he did he would think same ol same ol and that would be devastating for me. So what im doing is putting my defence up before the attack comes. Its like Im preparing myself to be disappointed

[ilovepicnmix]

I completely understand how you feel but do think you're worrying unnecessarily. Plenty of people have children with people who have children from previous relationships. As previously mentioned I am one and it adds difficulties no doubt but my son has big brothers who love him and think he's great. My dp wasn't as excited as he was at prospect of having his first child but them im sure he wasn't with the second or third. Doesn't mean he isn't delighted with him.

[Beamur]

Whilst there are lots of reasons to think it will all be fine - yes he has kids, but if he and you decide to have kids, then whilst not the same experience as the 'first' it will still be special and unique to you as a couple.
What concerns me from your posts (I'm also a step mum myself) is that if you don't get a handle on these feelings AND if your DP does have some favouritism issues (which is possible) that you're going to find yourself in a very unhappy situation.
For everyone on this post who has said it will be fine, my own experience was that actually, it wasn't fine and DP's own issues around the birth our of only child could easily have soured our relationship - I was concerned he wouldn't be on the same page as me - and he wasn't. It was only seeing the long view and still caring for him and wanting to keep our family together that kept me there. If I could rewrite history and have my first child with someone else where it was their first child too - would I do it? (Provided I could have the same child ) then I think I might.

[Mendi]

OP, if you had a DD, and then you had another DD, do you think you'd be a bit 'Meh - same old same old' about your DD2? Or would you be delighted to have your much-wanted second child?

Seriously, if you think that any person would have the former reaction, you are a child yourself and should not be considering having a baby with this man or any other until you've matured considerably. You really do sound like a frightened child. Not a good mental state to be in when having a baby.

[EvilEdna2909]

I genuinely don't feel as if my dp would have any favouritism issues he would teat all the kids the same. Beamur like u had previously saod it semmed like ur dp had a lot of negative feelings because his relationship breakdown and it showed in his feelings towards ur dd. However in my dp he was happy to get out of their relationship and do genuinely believe he would be a brilliant dad cos he is now.

[EvilEdna2909]

Mendi I have no immediate plans to have children. I don't want children until at least another 5 or more years

[Beamur]

Five years would be a good period of time to really get to know your DP, your SC's and to mature a bit yourself (I don't mean that critically) - but I do think it's a good thing to examine your feelings, but keep some perspective.
Good luck

[Mendi]

Then why on earth are you getting your knickers in a twist about this now??

Enjoy your relationship. Find out if your feelings of insecurity mellow as you get to know his DCs. Most of all, RELAX.

[ruthie2468]

If he was unhappy in his relationship and his ex had deliberately missed the pill before to get pregnant, why was he having unprotected sex with her? Why not use condoms if it was such a bad relationship and his ex couldn't be trusted?

[EvilEdna2909]

Because he went ballistic the first time and she assured him she was stupud it wouldn't happen again but then when she realised that things weren't improving she stopped the pill again without him knowing

[Mendi]

Sorry OP but that reasoning is very off. If he didn't want a child he should have taken responsibility for not having one himself. Only one way to be sure.

Blaming the woman for 'trapping' him when it had already happened before is frankly pathetic and does not bode well for you either.

[KittenCamile]

I can understand what your feeling, I don't have any dc's and DP has a DD. I worried a little about the same things, would it be special, would I spend my pregnacy hearing about what happened before and would our baby be the 'stressful' one because it would live with us 24/7. None of this was helped by my Aspie DP joking that our DC would be hard work because he got it so easy before!

But we are ttc (my new problem is I'm terrified I'm infertile and not the woman she was if I can't have kids!) And with some counseling I have realised that this is the first time DP wanted a DC, the first time he had tried for one and that if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant (please god!) That he won't be scared like last time.

He is with you because he loves you and if you have DC they will be because you both want them, I can't think of anything more special

[EvilEdna2909]

Mendi im not making excuses for him he should have left the relationship after they had his dd but its easier said than done when its also leaving your child and not being able to see them everyday. And its also a lot easier said than done to wear a condom every time u have sex with someone lol. He made mistakes so did she but theres no point in me dwelling on what happened with them in past.

[apachepony]

I think your feelings are quite normal for a stepmother, I also felt that having a child with my dh would not be special as he had done it already, had a child with another woman. There is no doubt about it, it's not the ideal. Having a child together would not mean we shared a unique bond like other couples.
Then we had a miscarriage and all that seemed a bit irrelevant.
Now we have a baby together and my dh is mad about him, and I don't worry about that any more.

[Mendi]

It really is not difficult AT ALL to use a condom every time you have sex. Unless you're not that bothered about pregnancy and/or STDs.

[colditz]

It really isn't a lot easier said than done to wear a condom, it is pretty much just as easy to wear them as it is to say it. For goodness sake, they come free from the doctor.

Jeez.

[EvilEdna2909]

I think some people have went off topic going on about my boyfriends and moral conduct when they dont know the facts and havent got a clue. And my boyfriend was in a monogamous relationship so why would he need to use condoms incase of STD..and he also shouldn't have had to wear a condom with his owm girlfriend just incase she would trick him again and get pregnant! She reassured him she wouldn't do it again he gave her the benefit of the doubt but she ended up doing it again. I think people need to stick to the original Issue rather than make comments and judgements on situations they know absolutely nothing about

[colditz]

The issue is that you are jealous of two small children, one of whom wasn't even wanted byits father but was created because it was apparently easier than wearing a condom. The issue is that even though this knob has stepped up to the plate and is being a father, it's not good enough for you because you wanted YOUR children to be the most special children he's ever had, and they won't be. This whole situationis just sordid.