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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Booked hotel for the night to escape

24 replies

stopthemadness · 18/01/2013 21:15

Sitting seething in a hotel room (which I really can't afford to be wasting money on). First time ever have done this but really felt no choice. Married five months. Have 3 DSCs. 14 year old girl is rude, nasty and awful to DP and he just takes it all like he deserves to be treated like absolute cr@p. tonight with ie banging doors, slagging off dinner, the screaming. I just got up went upstairs packed my bag and left. DP has texted saying oh it's difficult but it will be fine. Will it? I don't think so. Financially I can't afford to move out which is probably the only thing keeping me there. I know that no one has the solution but I know many of you will understand. I am at the end of my tether.

OP posts:

EwokStorageUnit · 18/01/2013 21:29

I'd love to be able to offer words of wisdom, but think that all I can genuinely do is offer you a virtual hug and a glass of ....

Is there any particular reason why this 14 year old is so vile? Is it aimed at you or just DH and do they live with you?

Original poster

stopthemadness · 18/01/2013 21:37

Thank u for the virtual hug ... Wine is in hand. They live with their mum and come to us every tues and every other wkend. DP says it is "just a phase" which was his reasoning for every year. She knows she can get away with everything as he is very much a Disney dad. She pushes the boundaries every time and so now it is just not nice to be anywhere near her. She hasn't spoken directly to me like that only DP prob as she knows I will tell her where to go. No one deserves that kind of treatment and it is making me do unhappy. I was treated for depression a couple of years ago and I think moving in with DP and kids was a big trigger. I don't want to go backwards. Thanks for listening

OP posts:

EwokStorageUnit · 18/01/2013 21:45

There's no such thing as "just a phase" when it comes to bad attitude. Would DP accept that kind of behaviour from you or his work colleagues????

Would he expect you to put up with it?

Does her mother know how she behaves and does she do the same thing at home?

sorry, that's a lot of questions, feel free to ignore those that you don't want to answer.

You (and DP) can't risk your mental well being for the sake of a (excuse me for saying this and it's obviously just an opinion) spoilt brat with a bad attitude. Sorry, that isn't acceptable.

NanaNina · 18/01/2013 21:46

I think you've done quite a good thing, by clearing off so you are out of it all. Is it just the 14 year old girl who is the problem - as you mention he has 3 children. I had a SD who I realy disliked for years and years - well always really and that was a long time ago thank god. She was just nasty and sulky and looking back I realise she was insecure, but when I was going through it, it was awful.

You won't change the Disney dad so you may as well accept that and it is almost always the case when they have contact. Do you have any children of your own. Maybe you have come to a watershed moment. To save you seething about your SD and listening to her treating her dad like shit (she probably knows how much this annoyes you) and then having to go out on a cold night, how about getting yourself a nice snuggly blanket and TV in bedroom, laptop, books, food, wine etc and just take yourself upstairs - "I'm off I can't stand to hear any more of xxxx rudeness."

Just a thought.

catsmother · 18/01/2013 21:53

Sympathies. It's awful to see your partner being treated like crap, and yes, can see why you seethe, but IMO what's worse is watching them let themselves be treated like crap and still claim "it doesn't matter" or "you're making a mountain out of a molehill" etc. Makes you lose a lot of respect. Sure - most teenagers are very trying at least some of the time but personally I hate this "typical teenager" attitude some parents have which seems to be an excuse for not even trying to instill any discipline. Granted a lot of teens take no notice but I think it's still important that they are told their behaviour's unacceptable. Maybe they won't turn over a new leaf straight away but one day it'll sink in (hopefully) and in the meantime, standing up for yourself is the right thing to do - effectively saying you are not a doormat/pushover/piece of dirt.

Trouble is getting certain kinds of parents to actually do all that. Many non resident parents are so scared of contact being cut if the teen decides to vote with their feet that they do nothing. I'm sorry I don't know what the answer is but know it's very frustrating when the natural order of things i.e. parents being in charge is turned upside down.

Original poster

stopthemadness · 18/01/2013 22:06

Thank you all for understanding - It is good to chat to people who know the frustrations and sadness of it all. The eldest SD is away at uni but was almost as rude as the youngest when at home. The boy is better thankfully though he did smash our front door and had similar screaming episodes. He is a lot better now though. I don't know what she is like to her mum though I don't suppose there is much discipline there either. Tonight we had the "I'm going back to mums" threat. I feel like slapping both DP and DSD. I am glad not to be alone in facing these things. I have tried saying to DP about not accepting such rudeness from colleagues etc but he just gives a pathetic look and say " I know but..." I don't have children myself but do want them but not in this environment. The problem is I went through a period of cutting myself off, staying upstairs, going out whenever they came round. DP accused me of not trying so then I try and it blows up in my face. I hate to say this but I am regretting everything tonight

OP posts:

NanaNina · 18/01/2013 22:14

I don't think you should worry too much about the step you have taken tonight. Sometimes it takes a crisis to change things. YES I can truly understand you wanting to slap them both........I felt like that so many times and we had rows and rows for years about it. Thank god it is all in the past.

I think all the components of the step family are hurting to be honest, you, your DP, and the teenage girl.

What exactly are you regretting?

EwokStorageUnit · 18/01/2013 22:27

Sounds like there's a lot of anger...

Is there ever a calm time? Is there any chance of a calm family discussion over a cup of tea?

Does DP not understand why you distanced yourself?

Original poster

stopthemadness · 18/01/2013 22:47

Regretting the moving in, the marriage everything. Yes we could have a discussion he has tried that before but it lasts for a while then explodes again. I feel like I made this choice to be with him and it is a disaster. I am already wondering where to stay tomorrow evening. DP knows why I distance myself but at the end of the day he puts them first which is natural but it's going to destroy our relationship.

OP posts:

EwokStorageUnit · 18/01/2013 22:56

oh hun xx

Have you tried taking her out for a hot chocolate (just the two of you) and having a girl talk? Maybe asking her if there are particular issues she has and explaining the issues that you have.

maybe if it was just the two of you, you would have a bit more success than her dad is having?

Is it purely the children that are putting this strain on, or are there other aspects of the relationship that are problematic?

NanaNina · 18/01/2013 23:04

I can appreciate that all these things are going through your head, but I don't think it's the best time to try to make any decisions. On the plus side this girl is 14 and hopefully in a year or two she will be old enough to have her own friends and life will open up a bit and she won't be so keen to stay over so much. Mind if the older sister was the same, you might have longer to wait. She knows exactly how to get her own way/cause more trouble with the "I'm going back to mums" and she also knows that dad will try to calm things down, and that will annoy you.

I don't understand why you have to leave your home in this cold weather just because of some stroppy teenager. Are you planing on going back tomorrow in the day. Why would you have to sleep somewhere else tomorrow night. I still don't think you should have to leave your home, and if anything this will please madam all the more, as she will have her dad to herself and know that she has caused you to be upset.

This SD will only destroy your relationship if you choose to leave your DH because of him putting his kids first. Believe me the years go fast and in a few years she will be at college/uni whatever. Does your DH see his elder daughter when she is home from uni, and does that cause any problem for you.

flurp · 19/01/2013 00:44

Sorry but if he accuses you if not trying when you avoid her then tough!!
If he wants to be a doormat and be walked all over by a child that's his lookout but you should not have to put up with it.
And I agree with Nana - why are you pushed our of your own home and forced to spend money on a hotel because HE can't or won't man up and parent his own child!
I'm on your behalf!!!
Have another from me - may as well get sloshed now your here!!!

theredhen · 19/01/2013 10:54

I hope you're feeling better this morning. Can you talk to your DP when the kids aren't around, explain how you feel and that your marriage is at crisis point?

Would he consider counselling and/or parenting courses?

Something needs to change and from what you say, it's either going to be you leaving or him changing his parenting style. Anything else (you trying to put up with it) is going to leave you depressed and resentful.

Original poster

stopthemadness · 20/01/2013 07:43

I went home yesterday we had a horrid argument with me saying awful things then I packed and went to my mums. He has not tried to contact me so I think the DSC got what they wanted and he made his choice. Feeling awful but I suppose best to know early than later

OP posts:

flurp · 20/01/2013 12:24

I'm sorry
I bet he will contact you when they have gone back home.
I have a friend in a similar situation - her DH has tunnel vision when his dc visit and only stops and thinks about how he has treated her when they have gone home .. Usually leaving a trail of emotional devastation in their wake!
Good luck x

EwokStorageUnit · 20/01/2013 15:19

So sorry that it didn't go well. Hope that the channels of communication open up.

Eliza22 · 25/01/2013 08:56

Any update? How are things now?

Original poster

stopthemadness · 27/01/2013 22:28

Hi Eliza thanks for checking on me. I left for a week and went back when DH promised to set rules and said he would impose discipline. The DSCs have not been here so we will see how that goes. I am not very hopeful and wonder if I should go back to being detached and getting away as much as possible

OP posts:

Eliza22 · 28/01/2013 08:14

If you went back, presumably it's to try to sort it out? I guess you'll need to see if the talked about changes happen. It's all very difficult. Good luck to you

Strongertogether · 28/01/2013 12:34

So sorry to hear about this situation. I went through many unhappy years so I really sympathise with you. You haven't yet had children with this man so maybe you should think seriously about cutting your losses and leaving. I know that may sound harsh but it'll be so much harder to leave if you have a baby together.

welldonenow · 30/01/2013 20:46

Sorry, I have no advice but plenty of commiseration as I am going through a very similar thing at the moment. I actually spent last night with my DD in a hotel room because things have gotten so bad with my DSCs and my DH's lack of parenting.
I came home this morning after he sent apologetic texts, wanting to discuss it all, but then his attitude was so unreasonable and he is in such deep denial about the situation, that things are actually just worse tonight.

allnewtaketwo · 31/01/2013 09:18

I agree with strongertogether. If you're feeling like this now it will only get worse

Mueslimorning · 31/01/2013 09:27

Feel for you both, stop and welldone, am afraid the only way to get out of such a dilemma is to stick to your guns, figuratively of course. I've been angry with dh ever since we got together 3 yrs ago, but my anger at his unfair behaviour is lessening with every effort he makes to parent his 2 dc, acknowledges my rights (barely acknowledged my existence when dsc over), and any conscious decision to put our relationship on an equal footing. Of course we think to protect our dc first, have ds myself, but without a strong bond between the adult partners we can't actually function as well as our dc would need us to. And after only a couple of counseling sessions dh realizes I've been right all along to demand this . Have practiced this principle on own ds who lives with us, dh and I are a team and he loves and respects him, I feel, sometimes more sincerely than his own dc do, who also visit eow and stay over Tuesdays. They are all in their early teens. STAND UP AND BE COUNTED, YOU MATTER!!

ChinUpChestOut · 31/01/2013 09:35

I'm so sorry to hear this, and completely understand your despair. Your own mental health has to be a priority - if you are in a situation where you are just going to slide back into depression then you must detach, and look very carefully at whether this is the right place, right relationship for you.

It sounds as though all the DSCs have anger management issues - bit shocked by the youngest DSS smashing in your front door. That's not acceptable behaviour - ever. Either your DH mans up and accepts that he doesn't know how to successfully parent his DCs and goes for family/parenting counselling, or you leave. I don't consider it a case of the DSCs having won, or not won. It's bigger than them. It's your DH deciding whether he wants to parent a family that has no respect for each other, or for you, with no boundaries, no affection, no rules. That's bedlam, and not a path to happiness. You sound intelligent and caring, you've climbed back from the black pit of depression and you definitely deserve a happier life than this.

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