BM won't let dsd have her belongings - anyone know if there's anything we can do?

[NotActuallyAMum]

dsd has come to live with DP and I after a huge row with her mum. The only clothes she has are one pair of jogging bottoms, a bit of underwear, a few tops, a coat and some trainers. BM says she's not having the rest of her things. We can't afford to buy her a complete new wardrobe, and anyway we don't see why we should - her mum has no reason to keep them. dsd goes back to school on Monday after the Easter holidays so we desperately need her school uniform

If DP goes round to her house it's just going to cause yet another row. We wondered if the police would be prepared to send someone round with dsd so that she can collect her things without any trouble

We'd really appreciate any help or advice

I can tell you up front most, if not all, schools will have had something like this happen before and will understand the situation.

We are briefed if children's parents are going through a divorce or illness etc, to be understanding if HW is not done because the books were in the other parents house etc.

It is very, very comon in our school, and no-one turns a hair over it.

you sound like a great stepmother NAAM. Hope all this gets sorted soon.

mb thanks very much for that

I had hoped that this would be the case - it's a big school so they must have come across this kind of thing before

Thanks again

Thank you edam for your encouragement

Don't know what I'd do without this site

Honest Injun!

And please be assured that no-one judges the family, it is just taken as one of the things that happens.

It may well be worth mentioning the 'general upheaval' so that the school can keep an eye to make sure that you dsd is OK in school, not upset or stressed out, sort of a thing.

Honestly I have lost count of the times we have been asked to keep an eye on kids for this sort of reason

Thanks again mb

I'm going to write down what DP needs to tell them because he's useless with words!! I'm not saying he's thick just that he doesn't have a very wide vocabulary and what he has got he can tend to get mixed up and in this situation he does obviously need to be very clear about what he says, although I'm sure they'll get the picture anyway

NAAM you sound so level headed about all this. You're doing great. The mediation thing is a good suggestion. I hope BM gets herself there if it can be organised. But if she doesn't, at least you will know that you and DP did everything you could.

Thanks surfermum

I did mention the idea of mediation to DP last night but he said there's absolutely no way on earth BM would agree to go

DP went to see dsd yesterday afternoon (she's at his parents until later today) and she asked him again when she was going to be able to fetch her things, he just said he didn't know. I told him we're going to have to explain to her that if her mum won't let her have them there's nothing we can do

I would imagine DP will try later today to get her to hand over her uniform and school books but I really don't think it's going to happen, I think I'll be taking dsd shopping tomorrow for a new uniform

Hi NAAM you sound so calm and are taking this all so well. Glad to see you are manging so brilliantly. If you do have to go shopping with dsd tomorrow then I insist taht you buy yourself somethign nice too cos I think you deserve it!!!

PS I have to do the writing out thing for dp too as he always forgets what he needs to say when it comes down it. Mind you I do it for myself too as I get all nervous on the phone.

Thanks tarantuless - I might just do that. I hate shopping though so don't want it to take any longer than it absolutely has to

anniemac at the moment neither DP nor dsd can even have a civilised conversation with BM - she just starts shouting and screaming at them. What he could do though is just book it then tell her and she what she comes back with

I do feel sorry for BM, honest I do. Last night DP and I were on our own and do you know what? I actually missed dsd - I really did, and I was very, very surprised at that myself. So heaven only knows how BM must be feeling. But there's just no need whatsoever for all this nastiness and bad feeling, it's not doing anyone any good - her included I'm sure

NAAM I agree with Anniemac, your DH shouldn't just assume the BM won't agree to mediation. A few days of thinking, stewing, fulminating and weeping about the situation may make her take up the offer, even if ungraciously. She must want to get it sorted as well and if she can't see any other option, she may well think that she's got nothing to lose by going. If you (or DH) mention it to her as an option now (and perhaps send her some literature about it if he does just go ahead and book) it might slowly go into her head as something she eventually accepts as a possiblility.

Mediation does sound like a very good idea and if there is ANY way that you can get BM to go then I think it'd be brilliant. glad your dp is considerig the idea.

I agree it's a good idea too and so does DP. In fact I think it's actually the only option. If BM wants her daughter back then hopefully she'll see that she has to go whether she wants to or not

lol anniemac

That was a new one for me too - love it!!

Off to find another thread to fulminate on!

RESULT!

DP text BM earlier and she text him back to say he can pick dsd's things up tomorrow. We thought he was best to text rather than phone - she can't shout at him by text!!

No doubt there'll be a massive argument tomorrow when he goes for her things, but he's not taking dsd with him - we don't think that would be wise - so he'll just have to ride the storm, so to speak. He's only got to do it once

Fingers crossed that it's not too bad for him

excellent!

Thanks edam, we think so too

Hows thing NAAM? did you manage to get dsds stuff and did she get off to school ok today?

Thanks for asking tarantuless

Yes we got her things back - apart from her mobile phone which dsd is really upset about. She paid £80 of her own money towards that and she has numbers on it which she doesn't know. Her mum knows how much that phone means to her and she says she's never getting it back

DP and I have told her that if - and only if - she stays out of trouble at school, behaves herself etc. she will have a new phone for when DP and I go on holiday 6 weeks on Friday. It's perhaps spoiling her a bit I know but the poor girl has been through a lot, and of course it's a big incentive for her. She quite often gets money from DPs parents and his gran so we've told her anything she gets from them in the next 6 weeks will go towards it

She went off to school happy enough this morning. DP is going to ring the school just to tell them what's happened

I still feel very much like a fish out of water, and I hope this doesn't sound awful but I'm finding it very hard to get used to not having any privacy and not getting a lie-in at weekends, but I'll learn

Of course it's not a horrid thing to say, it does and will take getting used to.

I really think you're doing a fantastic job.

Hope it all goes okay for DSD at school today.

Thanks littlerach