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Original poster

BM won't let dsd have her belongings - anyone know if there's anything we can do?

89 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 20:37

dsd has come to live with DP and I after a huge row with her mum. The only clothes she has are one pair of jogging bottoms, a bit of underwear, a few tops, a coat and some trainers. BM says she's not having the rest of her things. We can't afford to buy her a complete new wardrobe, and anyway we don't see why we should - her mum has no reason to keep them. dsd goes back to school on Monday after the Easter holidays so we desperately need her school uniform

If DP goes round to her house it's just going to cause yet another row. We wondered if the police would be prepared to send someone round with dsd so that she can collect her things without any trouble

We'd really appreciate any help or advice

OP posts:
jampots · 19/04/2006 20:41

I imagine she's not really taking her dd's situation seriously and would expect her home by the time she needs a changeof clothes. I also imagine sending hte police round would not be the best idea in the world.

Has her mum and dad talked about this? Has her mum agreed to her moving out?

7up · 19/04/2006 20:41

oh dear, i read that you had dsd now living with you. praps the mum wants her to go home and thats why shes not handing em over? not sure about the police, they dont seem to have time for crime nowadays let alone being involved in domestics. what about a family friend trying to collect some clothes. poor girl gona feel silly not wearing a uniform to school

matnanplus · 19/04/2006 20:41

I would drop into the local station with dsd and have her request the assistance... if she is old enough?

lucy5 · 19/04/2006 20:45

it's awful 2 little boys I used to teach were involved in something like this and had to go to school not wearing uniform. They were 6 and 8 and totally humilated. Sorry that doesnt solve your situation. How old is she? Is she old enough to go round with a friend?

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 20:51

Thanks for your replies Smile

dsd has just turned 13

Her mum actually threw her out and told her she wasn't to ever set foot in the house ever again - in the heat of the moment I realise. dsd has spoken to her today for the first time in over a week, her mum said she could go back but dsd is adamant she doesn't want to, which is fine by us. So to answer the question, no she hasn't really agreed to her moving out

Family friend is not a bad idea but I still don't think she'd agree to handing her things over

We just don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
lucy5 · 19/04/2006 20:53

Could she not sneak in when mums out, probably wouldnt help the situation though. I think she has to go round with someone and face her mum.

jampots · 19/04/2006 20:53

FWIW I think her dad needs to support her mum on this one and ensure she goes back as requested but that your door is always open for her (which she will know anyway). My dd is 13 and IMO is way too young to be making her own mind up!

mummypumpkin · 19/04/2006 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jampots · 19/04/2006 20:55

its her mum FGS why should they need the Police? She's calmed down now - having a 13yo in the house doesnt always make for the most harmonious time

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 21:01

She can't go when her mum is out - her mum wouldn't let her take her key with her when they had the argument

She would be absolutely devastated if we told her she had to go back. We still don't know exactly why she left in the first place because she's not saying much. I do agree though that she is too young to be making such a decision for herself, and we both think that she will eventually go back, but we really don't want to make her go iyswim - she has to want to do it. We're certain that if she was to go back straight away the same thing would happen again

DP can't have a civilised conversation with BM at the moment - she just starts screaming at him that this is all our fault and he's messing dsd's head up

OP posts:
Surfermum · 19/04/2006 21:03

I think I would be inclined to leave your dsd well out of it. What about going to a local charity shop and getting her some stuff she can wear in the meantime, or at least a pair of trousers and a top for school.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 21:06

That's a good idea for clothes surfermum but she still needs her bag/books/pencil case etc. Oh OK we could probably buy a bag and pencil case but she will need her books

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jampots · 19/04/2006 21:17

sorry NAAM but I do think she needs to realise she cant play one off against the other. Her home is with her mum and if she's not saying what went on then you have to assume she is at least part guilty and is making her mum suffer now. What happens when she has the same row with you/dp and she then storms off back to her mums and the cycle keeps on? I think you';ve been very good to give her a port in her storm but now she needs to face her mum properly.

Ive just put the situation to my dd and she answered this:

She would expect her dad to force her back home despite her saying she wanted to stay. That way she still gets to go home but it saves face as it were. She would say she wanted to stay to piss mum off.

CHICagoMUM · 19/04/2006 21:21

Sorry but the BM threw a 13 year old out and told her never to set foot in the house again Shock . As her father I would be a little concerned about this.

jampots · 19/04/2006 21:22

ah but thats what the 13 yo said! :)

I squirted water in my dd';s face the other week on the way to school but I wouldnt drown jher

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 21:30

jampots I do agree in theory with every single thing you just said but there's no way DP is going to make her go home. I'm certain she is at least partly to blame for whatever went wrong, however we think it's something to do with her half-sister - she disappeared for a good few months but came back a couple of weeks ago. She's a compulsive liar and trouble-causer, even her mum says she's on the verge of being sectioned. dsd tried to phone her mum last week, her half-sister answered the phone and said "she's my mum and she doesn't want to talk to you"

When they had the fall-out, dsd and BM were literally kicking, punching, hitting each other - dsd had several bruises when she came to us. I can understand why DP doesn't want to send her back, although I can also see (which DP can't) that she's getting her own way too much as well

So I'm torn really, just don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 21:32

jampots DP actually heard her mum say that she was never to set foot in the house again so we do know that's true

OP posts:
mummypumpkin · 19/04/2006 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jampots · 19/04/2006 21:33

gosh what a horrible place to be all round :(

her sister sounds a real nasty bitch too but will feel that she has won.

I really wouldnt know what to do in all honesty then

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 21:46

It certainly is horrible Sad

Her half-sister is 19 - plenty old enough to know better. DP says they've never got on very well and she knows exactly how to wind dsd up. We really are certain it's something to do with her, although like I said, I don't think dsd is totally blameless - 13 year-olds rarely are! We know that her half-sister was involved in the argument in some way because when DP got there she was shouting and screaming too - calling dsd a cow, saying she hated her etc.

The day after it first happened dsd went to stay with DPs parents, BM spoke to DP and said that he would have to give up his job to look after her!! I don't think she thought for a second that I would offer to help DP look after her but we can easily work it so that I will be around in the morning to see that dsd catches the bus to school and DP will be back from work to fetch her home

BM is blaming us because a couple of weeks before all this, dsd complained that I didn't talk to her enough (which is rubbish!) We thought she was trying to cause trouble between DP and I so we had a talk to her and told her that we wanted her to be happy etc. but we want to be happy too and that we were staying together regardless so if she was trying to split us up it wouldn't work. Think this is why BM thinks it's our fault

OP posts:
jampots · 19/04/2006 21:49

poor soul - sounds like she's not sure where she belongs (like most of them). I think you';ve done right showing a united front with dp but now I think you need to show it with her mum too. She's probably gutted its come to this but doesnt know where to turn.

I honestly can see how its come to this though as they can absolutely drive you to distraction (and its very hard to picture it when they're being all lovely a couple of years before).

Caligula · 19/04/2006 21:51

I agree with Jampots the adults here all have to be seen to be united.

But you can only have a united front with BM if she agrees to be united with you - it sounds like that won't happen?

Nightmare.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 21:52

mummypumpkin you are spot on - we really do think it's the only way we are going to get her belongings Sad we just don't know if the police would be prepared to help. Of course we realise it's not really a good idea and certainly not the best thing in the world to do but honestly - we really don't think we have any chance of getting dsd's things any other way

OP posts:
Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 21:56

caligula you're right - no way is that going to happen Sad And I know I'm bound to say this but I know that's BMs fault - DP is the "anything for a quiet life" type so he would be more than prepared to be civil about it

OP posts:
Kathlean · 19/04/2006 22:23

Hi there, I don't think the police can help. My sister and neice were in a similar position with neices father. He refused to hand over any school stuff, clothes or anything.

All they can do is come to the house with you and ask her to hand over DSDs stuff. If her mum refuses to allow anyone in or to hand over the stuff there is nothing they can do.

Sorry