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Step-parenting

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Original poster

BM won't let dsd have her belongings - anyone know if there's anything we can do?

89 replies

NotActuallyAMum · 19/04/2006 20:37

dsd has come to live with DP and I after a huge row with her mum. The only clothes she has are one pair of jogging bottoms, a bit of underwear, a few tops, a coat and some trainers. BM says she's not having the rest of her things. We can't afford to buy her a complete new wardrobe, and anyway we don't see why we should - her mum has no reason to keep them. dsd goes back to school on Monday after the Easter holidays so we desperately need her school uniform

If DP goes round to her house it's just going to cause yet another row. We wondered if the police would be prepared to send someone round with dsd so that she can collect her things without any trouble

We'd really appreciate any help or advice

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FruitAndNutcase · 20/04/2006 08:22

NAAM, so sorry to hear of this awful situation. I can't really offer much advice as there is already a lot of good advice been given, however I can confirm what Kathlean said that the Police probably wont have any power of this. My DP is a police officer and the most they would do is come around to assist (and then only if they are not too busy) but if BM says no then there is nothing they can enforce to make her give personal effects to DSD. It is classed as a "civil dispute" and the police do not have the authority to do much unless a law is broken iyswim. Sorry I cant be of more help, but my thoughts are with you all xxx

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 08:41

Thanks Kathlean and FANC Smile

We'll have to have a think about what we want to do, but at least the police might be prepared to try to do something. At least then if it doesn't work we know we've tried everything we can. Then again is it worth us getting dsd "involved" with the police when it may not work?

AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

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edam · 20/04/2006 09:13

I'm really not sure about this, but might it be worth calling social services? At least see if they can offer any advice or support. Or suggest any other routes to resolving this. Are there any family mediation services near you?

Terrible situation for everyone. Agree all the parents need to present a united front but can see how difficult that is.

Blandmum · 20/04/2006 09:19

Is there someone else in the family that you can chat to, and see if they will act as an intermediary? A gran or an aunt, or family friend?

I would avoid getting the police involved, if at all possible, as this is likley to inflame the situation further.

A letter to the school explaining the books issue is all that would be needed (I am a secondary teacher btw and have handled things like this in the past)

Going in with the police isn't going to help calm things down.

Get an intermediary if possible. If it isn't, get the minumum clothes pencils etc and write a note to te school, or telephone the child's form tutor and explain the situation.

When things calm down a bit, contact the BM again.

Freckle · 20/04/2006 09:26

In the short-term, could you contact the school and explain the situation. Ask if they have any second-hand or emergency uniform dsd could use. Ask if they have any duplicate books.

Once you have that situation sorted, so that she isn't totally humiliated when she goes back to school, then you can address the problem with her mother. It certainly sounds like a normal teenage argument with mum which is being exacerbated by the elder sister twisting the knife.

I do agree that she mustn't learn that she can play one parent off against the other. It's bad enough when they do this with both parents in the same house; it's a nightmare when the parents are separated and the option of actually leaving home and having another roof to shelter under is there.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 09:26

Thanks edam Smile

DP and I would be more than willing to show a united front even if it would be through gritted teeth but there's no way BM is going to do that. She was even shouting at dsd on the phone yesterday afternoon, DP could hear her from the other side of the room - it's no wonder she doesn't want to go back

He also said he heard dsd say to her nan (mum's mum) that she's been happier the last week with us than she's been for a long time so at least that's something. And believe me, it's not because we're spoiling her - far from it

I'm going to try Citizens Advice see if they can either help or point us in the right direction

I really think though that I'll be shopping for a school uniform at the weekend, and I may well have to take surfermum's advice and go to the Charity shops for a few bits for her. She won't be happy but I'm afraid that's hard luck - we simply can't afford to buy her lots of clothes, and of course she doesn't have to tell anyone where they've come from

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 09:30

x posts there mb and freckle Smile

Yes we will certainly have to speak to the school on Monday

We could try to speak to her nan (mum's mum) to see if she could at least get her books

I do agree the police is not a good idea, I just don't know what to do for the best Sad

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Freckle · 20/04/2006 09:31

Check to see if there is anyone in school today or tomorrow. Sometimes staff go in before all the pupils to get things ready. That way at least she may have some uniform for Monday.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 09:39

Freckle that's a good idea, at least then I could explain the situation before she gets there, I'll try them at break

tbh we're not too bothered about her uniform at this stage - although it is bloody annoying that BM won't let us have it. I'm certain I could go to Matalan at the weekend and get 2 pairs of trousers and 3 blouses for around £35 - £40 which we can afford. We have got her shoes - she accidentally left them at our house thankfully Grin It's her books we're more bothered about - and I assume she must have had homework to do over the holidays but what can we do? We can only explain what's happened and hope they understand

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anniemac · 20/04/2006 09:55

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anniemac · 20/04/2006 09:56

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 10:07

Yes I know anniemac I'm just at my wits' end, I really am Sad

Just had a look at that nch website, the nearest mediation centre to us is in Chesterfield which is about an hour away. I think it's a great idea - one of the main problems we have is that we're convinced that dsd is telling us one thing and telling her mum something completely different, if BM and DP went to something like that she wouldn't have that option. The difficult would be getting BM to agree to go

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 10:09

That should have said difficult thing

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edam · 20/04/2006 10:12

IIRC the Chesterfield one is very helpful. We had a similar-ish situation in our own familiy a decade ago and we contacted them.

anniemac · 20/04/2006 10:12

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anniemac · 20/04/2006 10:14

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anniemac · 20/04/2006 10:14

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 10:30

Yes that sounds like a really good idea to me - as you said BM will hopefully realise she has no choice, especially as it will take a while to set up. I'll suggest it to him tomorrow. I say tomorrow because tonight we have got an evening to ourselves - probably the only one we're going to have for a good while - so I don't want to get into anything too heavy

Thanks again everyone Smile

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jampots · 20/04/2006 12:25

hows things today notamum?

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 12:44

Thanks for asking jampots Smile

tbh I actually feel surprisingly calm. DP and I are just on a kind of "damage limitation" with dsd if that's the right word?? She's at DPs parents house tonight so hope this doesn't sound selfish but we're looking forward to an evening on our own - probably our last for a while under the circumstances

I've amazed myself at how I'm coping with all this, even though I say so myself Grin OK I've always known DP had a daughter who would always come first etc. etc. but never in a million years did I ever think she'd come to live with us, and I will hold my hands up high that I was filled with dread at the idea at first. But for all her faults, she's been fine, helpful and pleasant - and at the end of the day she's a child who needs care and support. She will get that for as long as it takes. But it is very hard for me, especially as I don't have children of my own. I feel very much like a fish out of water!!

As regards her belongings, I think we'll just have to buy her some uniform/pens etc. and hope that the school will understand about her books, I'm sure they will. Who knows, they may even ring BM and try to explain that it could affect her daughter's education if she doesn't hand the books over?? Or is that wishful thinking....

I am definitely going to suggest to DP that him and BM go to some sort of mediation though, don't know how far I'll get but I can only try

Thanks again for asking Smile

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jampots · 20/04/2006 12:48

well I think you're all coping admirably. Fingers crossed she remains to act like the angel child :)

Word of advice: do not let her spend all her time on MSN! Grin or she really will want to live with you forever.

And do encourage her to fix her relationship with her mum

gscrym · 20/04/2006 12:50

Def ring the school, at least to explain why homework hasn't been done, books aren't there and clothing might be different. Also, if DSD is distracted in class, it'll let them know why.

littlerach · 20/04/2006 12:55

you sound like a really great SM, and your sd is lucky to have you.

I hop eyou manage with books and the like.

I think that school is the best idea for now, they may be able to help you re uniform as well.

Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 12:55

Oh blimey - MSN!!!!

She's actually banned off her computer at the moment - punishment for getting 3 detentions at school a few weeks ago - but yes she certainly would spend all day on it if we'd let her, which of course we don't. She normally has an hour in an evening or if she's with us all day she gets and hour in the daytime then another hour in the evening

Thank you for your encouragement Smile

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Original poster
NotActuallyAMum · 20/04/2006 12:59

x posts gscrym and littlerach Smile

Yes DP will definitely ring the school - no point me ringing I doubt they'd talk to me. Uniform shouldn't be a problem, I'm sure we can sort her something out over the weekend. PE kit could be a problem though but as long as it's explained to them I'm sure it'll be fine

littlerach thank you for your encouragement too Smile

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