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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Urgent advice please

24 replies

CharlieSilver · 03/01/2013 23:26

N.C as don't want to be outed.

DP is taking DSD home tonight and staying at his mums till tomorrow (5 hour trip? DSD has been at ours since boxing day.

After they left this afternoon, DD told me that DP had told DSD something personal about DD and DSD confronted her about it, laughing.

I'm furious. This happens almost every time DSD comes to stay. It's like DP is trying to win her over by making fun of my DD and I've had enough.

I've told him via msn tonight ( he was on train with dsd) that i'm not happy, he logged out and is now ignoring me.

I feel like telling him to stay at his mumd. I'm so angry...

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Original poster

CharlieSilver · 03/01/2013 23:28

*mums.

sorry, typing on my phone

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MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 03/01/2013 23:30

I think it would depend on the nature of the personal things he is saying as to how I would handle this.

If its something personal that she would know if she was living in the house anyway then thats very different to something she would never have a clue about even if she lived there iykwim.

Was he making fun of your DD?

Original poster

CharlieSilver · 03/01/2013 23:53

It was that she's started getting hairy armpits. I don't know how he told her but it seems like it was said as a joke.

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DoctorAnge · 03/01/2013 23:55

That is really not on IMO . Hurtful and creepy that it's any of his concern about your daughters body hair

Original poster

CharlieSilver · 04/01/2013 00:03

I really don't know what to do. I don't think it's on either but whatever i say falls on deaf ears. He says he's told Dsd off but no one has said sorry to my DD.

She's 2 years younger as well. just feels to me like she's getting picked on? don't know if i'm over or under reacting :/

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DoctorAnge · 04/01/2013 00:05

You are not overreacting! Of course she needs an apology!

How is the relationship normally? Is this kind of thing usual?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/01/2013 00:06

That does sound almost like point scoring really at her expense. Your poor DD :(

I'm not surprised you are livid. Is the stuff he usually tells your DSD so personal?

Your DP is out of order its hard enough being that age and going through the changes let alone having an adult discuss it with someone else.

Original poster

CharlieSilver · 04/01/2013 00:09

normally ALL of us get on well. but this getting a cheap laugh at my DDs expense thing has nearly always happened. it always ends up in an argument. he is extremely placid and laid back and not bitchy so its out of character. but it keeps happening. and i dont know what to do about it anymore

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FlojoHoHoHo · 04/01/2013 00:10

That's awful, I would be livid too. I don't think you are over reacting at all. He sounds very immature.

DoctorAnge · 04/01/2013 00:11

Right so she is being horribly bullied.

I'm Sorry but you need to stand up
On her behalf. Show her that you are on her side and you are angry at the injustice of what is happening to her. She is important and her feelings count. Don't let another moment pass without a huge apology and change of behaviour.

FlojoHoHoHo · 04/01/2013 00:13

I see, so its as though he's trying to show DSD that he loves her more by making fun of DD? It sounds like the kind of thing 3 girls in a playground would do when trying to work out which friend is your bestie.

Snazzynewyear · 04/01/2013 00:13

If this keeps happening then your DD is basically being bullied in her own house. That's pretty bad for her. Imagine how you would feel if you heard this had been happening to her at school - it's worse it being done by family members. And you say this has 'nearly always happened'? I would be very angry.

Plus what's with him saying he's told DSD off when the problem stems from him sharing personal information as if he's a schoolgirl himself? I expect better from adults. Be on your DD's side is this.

FlojoHoHoHo · 04/01/2013 00:14

I agree both DP and DSD need to apologise pronto and DP needs to understand how bad it is.

Original poster

CharlieSilver · 04/01/2013 00:19

ok i've just blown up at him and told him its all fucked up and she shouldnt be made to feel bullied from the people she should trust the most and things are going to change.

Tempted to not let dsd down until we have a proper apology from her (and dp)

im most pissed off at the fact he just seems to thino im being fussy and making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I know dd will laugh and joke when they say sorry which wont help but its just how she deals with it :( feel so angry

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MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/01/2013 00:19

I can almost see his reasoning for doing it. When my DSSs were younger I found it hard to make them feel equal in my home and would often over compensate when they were with us. That said doing it at someone elses expense, let alone in such a deeply personal and upsetting way is totally not on.

At the very least an apology and a promise not to do it again is in order. Although in your shoes I would be rethinking the relationship if I'm honest. He can't effectively bully your DD to get his DD 'on side'.

Original poster

CharlieSilver · 04/01/2013 00:24

yeah missymoo i know what you mean. i have spoilt DSD to make her feel welcome for years. But that stops now. I like her but shes very spoilt and obnoxious.. i know this is a teen thing so try to see beyond it. But i wont stand for the nastyness

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Snazzynewyear · 04/01/2013 00:31

I think it's your DP who needs the strongest word here. Your DSD is a child/teen and has some excuse. He is an adult and doesn't. He needs to set the tone and enforce boundaries. If he refuses to take it seriously then he definitely has to shape up. He should certainly apologise as soon as he gets back- that should be a separate thing from your DSD doing it. You are not being fussy at all.

Snazzynewyear · 04/01/2013 00:31

Good luck with dealing with it (off to bed now)

shine0ncrazydiamond · 04/01/2013 00:32

Hmmm.

Just that really

allnewtaketwo · 04/01/2013 06:13

Youre not over reacting, your poor DD. important to let your DZh know how strongly you feel about this. If he hasn't listened to you do far then yes maybe something more drastic to get your point across. Plus DD will know you're on her side, poor thing

sanityseeker75 · 04/01/2013 13:08

Your not overreacting and I would be very angry also. More at him though than DSD.

I do not agree that you should stop her from coming though as yes she needs to learn from her behaviour and your own DD needs to see that whilst not acceptable behaviour her SS is still around to stay. I know that me and my own S and B used to tease each other horrendously.

Next time she comes down get everyone together firmly but calmly insist on apology for DD and advise that if it happens again their will be consequences for DSD (confiscating phone or extra chores or made to sit in room for hour etc). Nothing to drastic but firm enough to realise that not acceptable from anyone. Tell DP that that is your intention and if he does not back you up then there is no point being a family. If apology is not done then follow through on consequences anyway.

Whilst it is hurtful and very unacceptable it does happen even in none Step families also and you have to find a way that teaches everyone how to cope in these situations without causing further alienation.

Original poster

CharlieSilver · 04/01/2013 15:30

Thank you all for amazing advice, I feel less drastic today, last night was fully ready to tell DP not to come home...

He came home today with a box of DDs fav chocs and an apology for telling DSD something that he shouldn't have. He said it straight away without me prompting, he gave her a big cuddle. He also got me some flowers. Then this afternoon, DD and I went out while DP catched up on some sleep, we went and had lunch together and a chat about everything. She seems content now.

DP told DSD that she owes DD an apology and that she should do so. But still not had a text or call from her and we prob wont now either. I'm not going to chase her for it, but if she thinks i will just forget then she is wrong.

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purpleroses · 04/01/2013 19:52

Sounds like your DP has realised he was in the wrong, and is trying to make amends. He may not really have realised how sensitive young girls often are to the body changes of puberty. But he ought to be aware.

You're right to ask DSD for an apology, and to expect her to give one. But a word of caution - no matter how cross you are with her, I think it's best always to avoid the "you're not coming back to this house until you ..." type of argument. DP did this once with his DD - in the heat a row he told her she could go back to her mum's if that was how she felt, and she stormed out furious, and also really, really hurt by what he'd said :( Impose whatever other punishment or sanction you like, but don't tell them that their presense in the house is conditional on their behaviour. Especially if there's another child in the house, who couldn't be dealt such a threat because it's their only home.

Original poster

CharlieSilver · 04/01/2013 20:35

Fair point Purple Think what we'll do is start to restrict excursions. We have done this before but it was hard because they both end up losing out and we end up stuck in with miserable children, but it's defo the most effective punishment with them.

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