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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Oh god, I am So fed up with it all!!!!!!!

45 replies

Macchiato · 21/10/2012 15:07

Soooooooooooooooooooooo fed up. Sorry, I just really need a rant.

We asked DPs ex 6 WEEKS ago if we will be having DPs daughter for the upcoming school hols. She has refused to answer the phone/texts/messages on FB. So now DP has to go up there (north) and spend a week at his mums so he can see his daugher. So me and my DD miss out, yet again, just because she couldn't be bothered to arrange anything. I'm so angry, this happens so much at the moment, we can't afford to all go up north at the moment, so it means i now wont see dsd till xmas, and i will miss her, we always have such a good time together.

I hate that everything we do we have to arrange it round his ex. I hate that she has this "power" over us.

And yet again i have to just grin and bare it and not let anyone know how i really feel because I'm JUST the step parent and that's what we do. arggggghhhhhh.

someone slap me please :(

OP posts:

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NotaDisneyMum · 21/10/2012 16:34

Would it be possible to get a Contact Order?
It can set out no only the contact periods but how the transport is arranged/paid for, too.

livinglife · 21/10/2012 17:13

I feel your pain. I had no idea that actually my husband has virtually no rights at all when it comes to his daughter. The power is with her mother and as she herself has pointed out " I can do what I want when I want" and in regards to the maintenance it's the same attitude. " once it's in my account I can spend it on whatever I chose" mainly home improvements and holidays for her and her partner.. I'm fed up of my husbands ex putting her wishes first and DSD last. I have no answers for you. I'm just looking forward to the day when DSD makes her own choices.

Original poster

Macchiato · 21/10/2012 17:35

livinglife yes it's the same here, DPs ex even sells the things we buy DSD. she's really awful. She takes money from dsd and spends it on her new son. But NO ONE will say anything to her, ever. they all seem to just be scared that she will stop all of DPs family seeing DSD.

notaDisneyMum I might have a word with DP about it (again) tonight. The thing is his ex is very sneaky and i don't think DSD realises half the things she does, so DP doesn't want to swoop in with all the drama and upset her.

personally if it was me, i wouldn't be having a bar of it. We have pampered to her demands for too long. But it's not me, and all i seem to be allowed to do is... nothing.

OP posts:

VBisme · 21/10/2012 18:02

I'm feeling a bit that way myself, so I really do feel for you.
It won't work for this time, but how about getting court ordered contact?

NotaDisneyMum · 21/10/2012 18:03

living Does your DP have PR?

If so, then he has exactly the same rights (or responsibilities) as any parent, NR or resident - he can choose whether or not to take the steps necessary to fulfil them.

hermioneweasley · 21/10/2012 18:05

Why can't your step daughter come and stay with you for the week?

Original poster

Macchiato · 21/10/2012 18:14

Because she wont confirm that DSD can come, and what she will do if he just brings her down is say she needs her back "tomorrow" or something
(this has happened before) and then we have to pay last min ticket prices for the train and we end up out of pocket AGAIN and then she'll prob have the nerve to ask for some extra money a few days later

Sorry, I'm not normally this negative, it's just I never get to vent like this really, so it's just all coming out.

I feel for everyone in this position, it truly is rotten.

OP posts:

flixy102 · 21/10/2012 19:51

I really feel for you OP. The part of your post that rings most true for me is the lack of control. DH and I can go on for weeks/months with no bother and all of a sudden the ex will throw a spanner in the works and I feel like there will always be a third, very unwelcome presence in our marriage that will rear its ugly head now and again.

If the ex changes plans etc (usually at the last minute) then we have to jump to attention and my DH seems to just have this chronic fear of stepping up and taking control. It's really wearisome

Original poster

Macchiato · 21/10/2012 19:58

oh god, so does mine flixy102 It's infuriating, but i always try and stay passive. He hates conflict and will go to lengths to try and avoid it

OP posts:

flixy102 · 21/10/2012 20:09

Your so much better than me!! I'm very very bad at staying passive! She's spoilt so many of our plans at the last minute it makes me so !

I wish my DH would take my side sometimes but he just seems so weak when it comes to her, and I know in every other walk of life he is not a weak man.

Sigh.

KateByChristmas · 21/10/2012 20:16

Our lives used to be like this, we got a contact order, now it's not

NotaDisneyMum · 21/10/2012 20:49

I agree Kate - I made it a condition of me moving in with my DP; I'd seen his ex mess him around too often and wasn't prepared to expose my DD to that.

She didn't like it - there were some very ugly scenes in the court waiting area (ex was yelling at her Barrister not at DP) but since then, DSS knows when he's going to see his Dad, where, and how he's going to get there

Theydeserve · 22/10/2012 21:19

It really is hard dealing with the third person all the time.

I currently am trying to explain to my 2 DCS why their father and his new woman and her 2 DCs are in DisneyWorld for half term, when he had told them they were all going away this week.
Unfortunately, the e mail attached to his, telling me he could not afford to take them had the cost of the jaunt to Florida, so he has spent £3500 taking 2 kids that are not his own away, my week of planned work and socialising has gone out the window and I am counting the cost of extra child care and 2 distraught kids, who thin Daddy does not love them....not sure I can explain this one, when they next do a sleepover!

New partners suck as well - it is not all a one way street.

NotaDisneyMum · 22/10/2012 21:33

I hope your wrath is reserved for your ex theydeserve - I'm not sure why your DCs SM can be held responsible for their disappointment

Personally, I couldn't be with someone who treats his DCs so badly - but his DP cannot be held accountable for his actions; if he's a crap dad, he's a crap dad - nothing to do with her.

DizzySometimes · 22/10/2012 21:39

New partners suck as well - it is not all a one way street.

Noone said it was a one way street, and your situation sounds awful theydeserve. The fact is that both mums and dads can behave appalling when they do not live together. As this forum is for step-parents, though, it is likely that you'll hear of situations where the mum is behaving not so well, as the step mum often bears the brunt of that behaviour.

I can relate to you, OP, about feeling like you have no control over the situation. Generally my husband and his ex get on pretty well, but I don't like the fact that I have to basically get the 'ok' from his ex if my husband and I want to have a weekend away on our own, or if we want to have an extra day with my stepson over holidays so we're not rushing around and spending all our time on the road. Most of the time, she'll agree, but it seems to be when it's convenient for her, rather than what her son wants, and it grates that her decision is final with no discussion to attempt at some kind of compromise.

VBisme · 22/10/2012 21:45

Theydeserve that is horrible, he must have known well in advance that they wouldn't be going.
Do you know for a fact that your ex is paying for the trip, or could it be his new wife?

Cloverhoney · 23/10/2012 06:53

Theydeserve that is disgraceful!!! Even if the new wife was paying, it should never have been booked for a week when your kids were supposed to be with their Dad.
Macciato - get a contact order. Not a pleasant process but at least everyone knows where they stand at the end of it. Good luck.

MsMadelineashton · 23/10/2012 12:54

Theydeserve - that is completly shite!!! But maybe start your own thread as countering poor macchiatos horrible problem with "new partners suck as well" isn't very helpful. IMveryHO. Your poor, poor children though

Macchiato - I think a contact order seems the best thing to be honest. Are the children very young? It is better IMO to do the court thing now rather than when their older and they can make their own decisions or rather, they can decide to do what keeps mum sweet.

Has your DH got an opinion on making things more official? It seems it would be fairer on all of you, including his daughter.

purpleroses · 23/10/2012 16:35

I'm struggling to understand why your DP thinks he is required to bring his DD back to her mum, on demand, and to pay to do it, whenever she clicks her fingers.

Why can't he just say no? Tell he her has plans, he isn't free to bring her back that day, or simply not answer the phone to her. If it's been agreed that he'll have her for the week, then that is what the agreement is. The ex can't just decide to demand her back early unless there's some real emergency.

And if your DP is looking after his DD, then it is up to him where he does it. If he'd rather bring her back to stay with you, then he can do that. He doesn't have to stay with his mum just so he can bring his DD to her mum whenever it suits her.

UC · 23/10/2012 17:57

I don't understand that either - if DSD is with you for the week, why should her mum be able to click her fingers, and your DP, DSD's father, jump to the command? You say your DP hates conflict and will do anything to avoid it - but surely this is a conflict that has to be had!

Original poster

Macchiato · 23/10/2012 18:17

She's not asked for her back early, she's not said anything at all. Nothing. She has no idea DP is even going up there. The whole situation is absolutely ridiculous. she's not got back to me or DP about this holiday so DPs mum has asked if she can have DSD, and DP will go up to spend time with her there.

MsMadelineashton DSD is almost 12. A very young 12 though. She's very shy and will not speak up for herself =/

DP and I looked up about a contact order together last night and it seems like a good idea, struggled to find decent info on it though. Would anyone mind telling me what their contact info involves please?

OP posts:

UC · 23/10/2012 18:33

That is ridiculous. Basically, your DP tries to organise picking up, contact etc. and he is blanked? Madness. I'm sure a court would take a very dim view of that....

MsMadelineashton · 23/10/2012 19:27

You might find it very hard then, as at 12 they'll just ask her your dsd what she wants and unless there's a serious neglect issue then she'll be considered "gillick competent" to decide where she lives and visits sadly. Saying that, at least it will send a message to his daughter that he has fine everything he can to be a proper part if her life.
A free half hour with a solicitor would be a start. Or, he could accept his lot and take what contact he can. But you would need to be fully in board with that and I'm afraid I wouldn't be

Original poster

Macchiato · 23/10/2012 19:46

really MsMadelineashton ? :( will they not put SOMETHING into place? I don't think i would be on board with it to be really honest, I find it so very difficult and so so hard. But i love him, he is an amazing dad and partner, so what can i do? I wont let her ruin what we have. She is married and has another baby, i dont know why she cant just live her own life and stop trying to make ours difficult. argh!

What we spoke about last night, was maybe DP drawing up some rules and giving them to her, he won't be awfully demanding, then saying that if she wont accept that he'll be going for a contact order.

His daughter is very shy, she cries her eyes out when she leaves ours to go back to her mums, but she does love her mum very much, and she is not neglected. Her mum is just extremely unfair :/

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 23/10/2012 23:19

My DSD was 12 when DP went to court for contact and it wasn't quite as clear cut as madeline describes, fortunately

The court issued a residency order for DSD to live with her mum. As for contact, the court issued a recital, binding on both parents, that states that they should facilitate contact (at stated times/days) subject to DSD specific wishes.
In other words, both DP and his ex must allow DSD to have contact with him if she wants to.

In your DPs case, that could prove useful, because if your DPs ex refuses to engage with him at all about his DD, then she would be in breach of the recital and it is more likely that the court would subsequently issue a contact order despite your DSD age.

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