Very very concerned

[catandthebear]

Hello everyone
I am really concerned about my partners youngest son (aged 7) and the level of hate he is expressing about me.
We have been together for a year, having both left our marriages to be together. I have had very little to do with his children due to his (soon to be) ex wife. his children were obviously upset about the seperation and are angry about my role in this. His son in particular has expressed extreme anger at this and has been very open about wanting me to die and wanting to kill me. I accept that this is probably a natural reaction in the early stages, but last night on the phone he told DP that he wanted him to kill me by hanging me very slowly until I died.
This in its self is upsetting, but I find the fact that his mother considers this acceptable and encourages it as a form of expressing his upset. When DP raised his concerns she just blmaes him and reassures the son that he is right to say these things.
Because i don't really have a relationship with the children, it isn't a direct issue for me, but I can't help being concerned and incredibly upset for the child.
Has anyone else had any experience with this.
I have a child myself and would be mortified if he expressed any desire to harm or kill someone. I am obviously concerned about how this will effect our future relationship, because I do feel that there is very little opportunity for me to play any role in their life int he future.
I had a break down over a year ago which resulted in an attemped suicide and self harm. DP's (soon to be ex) wife as tole the children all about this and painted a terrifying picture of me to them. I would love to have a child with DP, but this is looking very unlikely due to how badly his children have taken the seperation and his guilt (another concern and another Thread all together)
Please help if you can.
Would be grateful for any advice.

My ex and I get on well now but I left him because he was incredibly violent and controlling. Our son is seven. He has asked me why me and his dad are no longer together. I told him some rubbish about his dad snoring really loudly. Why? Because he adores his dad. He was the worst husband ever. But he is an amazing father. They love each other so much. Tell my son the truth? What purpose would that serve anyone?

My ex has many many faults. But I would never colour our son's opinion of his dad. I don't think you should involve young children in adult issues. This is only my view and I realise that this is not for everyone. At the end of the day will he remember his mum and dad at each other's throats? No. Will he see his mum and dad making the best of it for his sake? Absolutely.

Wow, that sounds like an awful situation.
akaemmafrost, you're right that the child's feelings is all that really matters and that it's natural for them to be so upset, but surely you can understand that it is of course upsetting for OP that she is trying her best to be accepted and is being wished a slow gruesome death! Everyone has to vent somewhere, and talking about her feelings on the internet isn't exactly a sign that she's being a terrible person and putting her feelings above the child in real life. Also, there are lots of step mums who get on fine with their partners ex, but it's only the minority who don't who you'll hear on MN complaining, so I think it's unfair for you to say "I have heard several step mums complaining about their partners ex, and therefore all step mums just want to demonise bio mums."
I think that it's natural for the boy to hate you because he once had a secure, normal life, and to him you were a key element in what ruined it. If he understands that you were the OW then I do think perhaps his parents should have protected him from the hairy details of why they split up until he was a bit older, however. It's also not healthy for a child to be being encouraged by his mother to fantasise about killing someone! If they say smacking, or violent films and games encourage children towards violence, God knows what this is going to do to the poor kid!
I'd advise you not to force the relationship with your SS, and to get the boys dad to do all the talking to him. In your defense, if the dad was willing to cheat on his ex then the relationship wasn't healthy and going to end anyway- with or without you. Hopefully one day when he's older the boy will see this and not hate you the way he does now.

One of my DCs now 5yr out of the blue sitting in the car -said I want to kill
Aunty xxxxxxx.

I said why, he said because she took Daddy away from us and she said she did it because she was your friend and you can come around and us all be friends again but it is because you hate her.

I spend my life reassuring the DCs that Daddy loves them, ignoring the fact that his pathetic attempts at contact are totally dictated by what he is doing with her and her DCs. That they do not know how many times he lets them down because I do not tell them when he is coming because dealing with the fall out is so bad. Or that when he is with them, she texts roughly every 10 mins to check on what is going on - contact is in my home for various reasons.

I have explained that they can like her and I am happy that she is nice to them, the rest of the time I avoid mentioning the name of the person who has been party to completely destroying their relationship with their father. Can not slag the father off as he will always be theirs. It is very hard as the one left behind with kids, I blame my other half as much as her but I still have to deal with him.

Sorry, kids start working things out themselves in the right or wrong way and it is not only the bio mother who tells lies.

theydeserve are you suggesting that the OP is lying and that she has told the DCs that everything is their mums fault, but they have decided for themselves to blame the OP?

Given that she says she has very limited contact with the DCs I'm struggling to see the point of this thread if she is?!?

Not suggesting she is lying, however:

1. She and the father broke up a marriage - hard for a child to be angry at its' parent, so next thing is the OW - normal reaction of a child

1. She has had little interaction with the children - allegedly due to the EX - unclear of that is true or not

1. Allegedly the Ex is encouraging the talk - evidence of this -none given. She allegedly said he could express himself and has a right to say these things -she is right, he does still no evidence that she is encouraging it - just letting him get his anger out. All kids say they hate certain people at some point.

4.Ex is right - the anger is directed and her and the father : fact of life, the kids sees them as responsible, hard to want his dad dead - so childrens logic moves on.

1. She has no contact with them but know the Ex wife has painted a terrible picture of them - contradiction, she either has contact and they have told her this or he new DP may be exagerrating the evil ExW!!

Sorry for the kid only - not the OP and the selfish father

Even if your assessment is right theydeserve - the DC needs support and assistance to come to terms with his feelings and move on; no matter how understandable and explainable it is - it is neither healthy or appropriate for him to spend the rest of his life fantasising & expressing his desire to kill his SM.

While berating the OP for her role in creating the situation is one approach - the responsibility for the DCs wellbeing lies with both parents - if I repeatedly heard my DS articulating a desire to hurt, injure or kill anyone, I would be seeking support for him - not defending him or exaggerating his behaviour to others in order to support my own particular agenda

The OP is seeking suggestions on what support may be available for a DC for whom she has no authority or responsibility (and has been attacked for that) - but the DCs parents seem to have absolved themselves of it

My DC worked it out in his own time.

All I said was, killing isn't nice we do not like to kill things.

Three weeks later, I get - killing Aunty xxxxxxxx would mke me feel better but xxx and xxxxx would be sad ( her DCs) and that would not be nice. Can I do a poo in her bed instead!

Too often on the step parenting forum,the poor kids on all sides are expected to have the emotions and understanding of adults.

Which is why play therapy or youth counselling can be so beneficial

I think all DCs who experience family separation should automatically be offered the opportunity to take part in some form of talking therapy - all too often this is denied the DCs and seen as a failure or weakness by one, or both parents though, and becomes yet another battleground