Very very concerned

[catandthebear]

Hello everyone
I am really concerned about my partners youngest son (aged 7) and the level of hate he is expressing about me.
We have been together for a year, having both left our marriages to be together. I have had very little to do with his children due to his (soon to be) ex wife. his children were obviously upset about the seperation and are angry about my role in this. His son in particular has expressed extreme anger at this and has been very open about wanting me to die and wanting to kill me. I accept that this is probably a natural reaction in the early stages, but last night on the phone he told DP that he wanted him to kill me by hanging me very slowly until I died.
This in its self is upsetting, but I find the fact that his mother considers this acceptable and encourages it as a form of expressing his upset. When DP raised his concerns she just blmaes him and reassures the son that he is right to say these things.
Because i don't really have a relationship with the children, it isn't a direct issue for me, but I can't help being concerned and incredibly upset for the child.
Has anyone else had any experience with this.
I have a child myself and would be mortified if he expressed any desire to harm or kill someone. I am obviously concerned about how this will effect our future relationship, because I do feel that there is very little opportunity for me to play any role in their life int he future.
I had a break down over a year ago which resulted in an attemped suicide and self harm. DP's (soon to be ex) wife as tole the children all about this and painted a terrifying picture of me to them. I would love to have a child with DP, but this is looking very unlikely due to how badly his children have taken the seperation and his guilt (another concern and another Thread all together)
Please help if you can.
Would be grateful for any advice.

Yes, the lad has to realise that mummy and daddy aren't going to get back together, but that doesn't mean that he has to want to meet her and accept she "is really a nice person."

Sorry northern i misread the OP name!

The only way a 7year old would know the details of the parents split is if the OP is being bad mouthed at home.

People leave marriages all the time, thats no reason to condone the childs behaviour.

OP what i think you should do is start familiarising yourself with the child so he then understands that your here to stay, and slowley he will warm to you once he realizes that your not going anywhere. It ll take time, alot of effort and maybe alot of questions from the child, but this wont go on forever.

Did you move in together right away did you begin to see the children from the off? Children need to get used to a family break up first before another person is thrown into the mix .
Having seen many ladies becoming "Step mums" in the past I would never let any women into the lives of my children until I knew ExP/h has been with them long enough to be in a loving relationship and the title stepmum would take years to produce into the picture if it ever did.

Marriage break ups might be more common nowadays, but that's irrelevant to this child's feelings. He's been affected by his own dad leaving, not anyone else's.

sunshine "I would never let any women into the lives of my children until I knew ExP/h has been with them long enough to be in a loving relationship"

Do you have any say in it though? If your ex was determined to introduce his new girlfriend, how could you actually stop it? The dad here hasn't forced it yet, out of concern for his son, although it's tough on the OP.

sunshine - once you're separated you don't get to make those decisions, it isn't up to you when your ex decides to introduce any new partner and it isn't up to you what the new partner gets called. Attitudes like that sadly (however well intentioned) will only cause pain - mostly for yourself. You've got to hope that your ex is a good enough person to put their kids needs first and ensure that they behave appropriately and hook up with someone who is willing and able to take on someone elses kids.

Legally though rather than by agreement?

So let's see, you hijacked someone else's family, you and your partner don't have his kids over, its all the ex's fault, and you are very concerned in case you can't have another baby?

Clam - Yes ex could turn around and say whatever about letting his new partner meet the children . However does not mean that I would let him . I would make it very clear on my views my fear for the childrens upset etc like I said fair enough Ex meets somone, dates them for awhile, gets serious and falls inlove then the marriage happens or whatever but It would just not happen for any lady he meets. Its all down to the situation I guess.

Before I met DH. I was about 18 years old. I met a lovely man who was 26 he had a young child with his X. I went on TWO dates with him and he was egging me on to meet his child ( REALLY!) I told him no and eventually we got abit serious and I moved into his flat again he asks if I would meet his Child who he had every weekend I said No. I used to return to my mums at the weekend so he could have his child alone. About 6 months later we broke up (nothing to do with his child though) It just proves that some parents want to rush into everything and when there children involved its just not right! Thats a situation I would not want for my children .

Of course it is upto me.
If I do not want my children around somone they will not be around them simple as. :)

Surely it's not up to you to "let him?" Don't get me wrong, I totally understand your point of view, but I've read on here of numerous exes who've just gone ahead and done it regardless, unless there's been some sort of court order forbidding it. Would you be happy about him forbidding you mixing with certain people when you have the kids with you? Or would you consider that an unacceptable limit on your freedom? He might therefore argue the same.

sunshine - do you really consider that as a mother you, soley, own your children? Their dad has no rights, except when you choose to give them to him?

Or is he allowed to decide who you introduce your DCs to when they're with you? The OP has been with her DP a year - that's hardly a fleeting fling.

So, if your ex has his children for the weekend, and invites his girlfriend round for tea, or they meet up in the park or something, what will you do about that?

No my ex would be well aware of my thoughts on the situation and if for a second he goes behind my back and invites a new gf over anyway then that is totally out of order and he would be seeing them away from his home in the furture.
Thats just wrong. Any decent man would feel the same about new Bf on the other side and so would I.

Even after a year?

Like I said though this is quite of point of the ops thread as in certain situations it is different. Thats why I ask the Op if she met the children from the very start and if she moved in with partner stright away as this would of made the situation what it is today. A complete Mess of emotions.

How is telling your DC the truth 'badmouthing'?

I would not hide the fact that 'Daddy fell out of love with Mummy and in love with someone else'. Why the FUCK should I lie to my child?!

I would not say he was bad for doing that, or make any comment on it, but I sure as hell wouldn't fudge the truth or lie to my DC's either.

What the hell else SHOULD a mother say if her ex doesn't tell the DC's with her, or refuses to answer questions on why if he does? The only options are to tell the truth or lie.

And I won't be lying to my DC's for ANYONE. If the Father doesn't want to have his DC's hear that he has left Mummy to live with someone else, then he shouldn't do it, should he?!

What else do you say when your DC's ask why? Am I expected to lie to my DC's and make something up?

I actually don't know how any Father could expect the Mother of their DC's to lie to them to cover up their wrongdoing. The thought of lying to my DC's is anathema to me, so why would I start just to cover up what someone else has chosen to do?

I totally agree with CouthyMow.
I don't lie to my DCs as when they are older I will explain to them why dealing with boyfriends or girlfriends honestly is important. I have absolutely no idea how either their father or the OW can give them any guidance in having good relationship and behaving with integrity.
When they ask, I explain and explain that I don't like OW because she behaved in a way I don't approve of - I am not specific but if they ask later I'll tell them.
Sure relationships break up and families are divided but to follow your genitals first and think of the consequences afterwards says quite a lot to me about the importance DCs have played in their thinking beforehand.
And yes I have been a sort of stepmum when I was much younger but difference was that DP and his ex had long split up.
And my DCs are at present kept in the dark about any male friends I have as I don't want to confuse them any further and I have been quite clear to potential boyfriends that the DCs either theirs or mine are not going to be part of the equation for a long time in the future.

Well that's the thing isn't it? It seems that these entitled people who run off with OW/OM think that you SHOULD be lying to your children about their deeds and if you don't then you are a BAD mother who doesn't care about protecting her children. So basically they get to dump all over you and then you are supposed to PROTECT them from the fallout.

OP and her DP break up two marriages and two families but somehow it's the child's birth mother that's the problem? Right..... got it. Hope everyone's clear on that.

And the child himself has to STFU, stop being such a spoilsport and play happy families.

LOL at sunshine - I sometimes wish it were they simple, but unfortunately being 'mum' does not equate to being 'right' in the eyes if the law, and if parents disagree over a decision regarding the DCs the courts do not automatically agree with the primary carer. Of course, withholding contact until the ex does it your way is always an option, but places the DCs in a dreadfully conflicted position.

couthy Your honesty is admirable - imo however, at 7 years old, a DC doesn't need to know why his mummy and daddy don't love each other any more, just that they both love him. Why suggest to a child of that age that Daddy can only love one person (you or the OW) at a time? Young children are often jealous of the love their parents share because they don't understand it is a different love from the love of a parent for a child; so a child who has been told that 'Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore, he loves OW instead' is going to feel very insecure about his own relationship with his Dad.

I've been through my share of relationship break-ups, and with hindsight and a lot of counselling I take partial responsibility for them that even when I was the abandoned/cheated-on party.
I want my DD to learn that marriage and relationships take work from both parties to succeed; taking the role of a victim who played no part in their failure will undermine that message.

sunshine, thats an appalling attitude, you do not own your children. Dreadful.