Very very concerned

[catandthebear]

Hello everyone
I am really concerned about my partners youngest son (aged 7) and the level of hate he is expressing about me.
We have been together for a year, having both left our marriages to be together. I have had very little to do with his children due to his (soon to be) ex wife. his children were obviously upset about the seperation and are angry about my role in this. His son in particular has expressed extreme anger at this and has been very open about wanting me to die and wanting to kill me. I accept that this is probably a natural reaction in the early stages, but last night on the phone he told DP that he wanted him to kill me by hanging me very slowly until I died.
This in its self is upsetting, but I find the fact that his mother considers this acceptable and encourages it as a form of expressing his upset. When DP raised his concerns she just blmaes him and reassures the son that he is right to say these things.
Because i don't really have a relationship with the children, it isn't a direct issue for me, but I can't help being concerned and incredibly upset for the child.
Has anyone else had any experience with this.
I have a child myself and would be mortified if he expressed any desire to harm or kill someone. I am obviously concerned about how this will effect our future relationship, because I do feel that there is very little opportunity for me to play any role in their life int he future.
I had a break down over a year ago which resulted in an attemped suicide and self harm. DP's (soon to be ex) wife as tole the children all about this and painted a terrifying picture of me to them. I would love to have a child with DP, but this is looking very unlikely due to how badly his children have taken the seperation and his guilt (another concern and another Thread all together)
Please help if you can.
Would be grateful for any advice.

OP , how do you know the man responsible for this was thrown out by his wife becuse she had an affair ? Did he tell you that ?

I hope for your sake you have verified that .( being made out to be devil in a dress and being stuck with a liar would be too much for me tbh)

What you do know for a fact is this little boy a level of upset that has seriously disturbed him. His daddy doesn't live with him anymore , and his mummy is upset ...no wonder he hates you .

In this little boys eyes daddy left him and mummy to be with you ....so it's all your fault .

Extra points in the shitty category for trying to demonise the wife , because the wee boy is understandably angry and hurt . Of course you would try and imply she's putting words in the child's mouth and thoughts In his head , but get a grip ...no one talks about physically hurting / wishing ow or om or next dp dead to their children FFs ! .

It's a child like reaction ....on tv good guys get / kill / hurt the bad guys ....even in Tom and jerry cartoons ( watch them , spike the dog , is very violent to Tom when he sees him chasing jerry mouse ) .

In the wee boys perception you are the bad guy who stole his daddy , from him and his mummy .

If you did or not in actuall fact is for yourself to live with ...either way your 'dp' need to spend a lot of time with his child to reassure him and prove to his child he will always love him and be there for him . If he doesn't I wouldn't stick around ,never mind have another child . Having a baby ( at 7 they still are babies ) say he wants you to die would be the least of your problems then.

OP , how do you know the man responsible for this was thrown out by his wife becuse she had an affair ? Did he tell you that ?

I hope for your sake you have verified that .( being made out to be devil in a dress and being stuck with a liar would be too much for me tbh)

droves - I don't see where the OP has said that at all - she says that they both left their marriages to be together?

I mentioned the scenario of a man being thrown out by his cheating wife and being blamed by his DC's for leaving in order to illustrate that honesty to DC's is not always as simple and straightfoward as some posters are suggesting.

When my dad left my Mum for the OW I saw the devastation they left behind.
I heard Mum crying, heard all the conversations, felt everything she felt with her. Fair enough I was older but I think it would have been even harder at only 7 to process all this emotion.
I hated my SM. My parents were much happier apart in the long run as it turned out but she expected us to accept her, knowing how much she had hurt our Mum?? No way.
When my ex left me for his OW I never told my dc's why because I wanted them to love their dad and have a bond with him that I never had with my own dad and I didn't want them to feel the way I did. Luckily the OW didn't want to meet them but if she had I would have gritted my teeth and put up with it.
OP you will have to let this boy deal with his feelings in his own way and in his own time. I don't agree with what you did and I think people like you are the reason most of us get such a pasting on here.
You knew your DP had a child, you must have realised it wouldn't be all happy families surely.

I think you need to step back, let him have a relationship with his dad without you and hope that one day he will accept you.

When my ex left me for his OW I never told my dc's why because I wanted them to love their dad and have a bond with him that I never had with my own dad and I didn't want them to feel the way I did. Luckily the OW didn't want to meet them but if she had I would have gritted my teeth and put up with it.

Kaluki I can't imagine how hard that must have been I hope I could prioritise my own DD in the same way I if were faced with a similar situation.

Notadisney ....misread the meaning of the op and got a bit confused ...either way it boils down to the same thing ...the child is blaming the op and is very angry at her . Rightly or wrongly the parent doe not get the same level of anger directed at them because the child wants them to come home . Probably thinking if he can drive the op away daddy would come back.

Poor wee boy .

OP let the parents of the child deal with it. There's nothing you can do to alleviate the istuation, the child is hurting, it will take time to heal. How your relationship with the children of your DP's family develope is dependant on how you treat the children when you meet them. Otherwise leave the parents to deal with them.

A seven year old can and does remember and retain feelings and memories. I've got a seven year old, she remembers things from ages ago and reminds me how it made her feel.
Ex is now married possibly to OW possibly to someone else who knows, he told my children this and they had a thousand questions, you cant fob off a seven year old with I'm married now and expect them to accept that, my girls have millions of questions for their father and when he told them she would be a mother to them it made my girls crazy, they have a mother and don't need another one. This is their feelings.

I had nothing to do with my children rejecting their step mother, I wasnt even aware ex had married, I dont bad mouth ex he manages to alienate our children all by himeself.

I love my girls and would certainly not rub salt into their wounds.

But my children have a thousand questions about this new person in their father's life and ask me too, I can only tell them to ask their dad because I honestly havent met her and haven't got a clue, I further have no feeligss for her whatsoever so my answers can't colour their feelings for her either.

They've decided on their own they dont like her. That I reckon is firmly their fathers fault for trying to diminish my role in our childrens lives by trying to replace me with another woman.

He could very easily have said I'm married now her name is ex, they'd have asked more about her out of their own curisouity and he coud have taken it from there.

My point is children have their own feelings, your dp has to be lovely to his children and listen to them and love them and reassure them that his not living at home does not diminish his love for them. And you have ot be kind to them.

I wouldn't automatically attribute a young childs hurt feelings on their mother. Children do feel and can carry feelings around for ages.

i also do not think honesty is always best. My friend's husband was diagnosed with cancer when their son was 5, they didn't tell their son straightaway, instead talked about how daddy was sick. When the diagnosis was terminal they started preparing him for the death of his father. What purpose would it serve to tell a 5 year old their dad has cancer at such an early stage? He would have mentioned it at school and got who knows what reactions, plus at that stage they were hopeful he would be cured.

From my own experience, my DC (aged 5) came into my bedroom saw me crying and asked why. I didn't say "because daddy took the car and told me now we're getting a divorce he needs the money and he is selling it and so i've got no way of taking you to school anymore and maybe you will have to move schools". I said " mummy's just a bit upset, i'll be ok in a minute, lets go and do something to cheer me up" and we went to do some baking in the kitchen. DC knew there was more to it than that but it was better than the alternative so i stopped crying and put Dcs needs first. Ex H returned the car 3 days later on a Monday morning (i was going to phone for a taxi as a short term measure) . Again what purpose would it have served to tell the truth? Ex was a pig in those early days after our separation but he improved. Why tell DC those things? They can work out for themselves what a person is like.

I think honesty is being used by some posters as an excuse to get revenge/ make life difficult, blame other parent.

You don't need to tell them anything if their father moves out on a Saturday and is living with another woman on the Sunday! Children are not daft. They can figure that out.

The OP doesn't have a relationship with her DP's children - she has not said that she is even living with her DP, nor that she moved in with him when their respective marriages ended.

There are any number of scenarios and possibilities; yet the OP has been categorised based on other peoples assumptions and experience, which is detracting from the advice and suggestions that are being given in response to her OP.

Maybe you don't have DC's as persistent as my DS? He truly will not leave well alone, and there is only so much that someone who is already fragile can attempt to hide in the face of such persistence.

I would no more hide a diagnosis of cancer from a child than I would my diagnoses of epilepsy and fibromyalgia.

Yes, I would get them age appropriate books (they DO exist), and use that as a discussion point, as I did with my DD who has SN's when her best friend was dxd with leukaemia, and again when her friend died, but why the hell would you try to hide something unhideable, when to do so would worry your child far more than them being in possession of the facts? If I was dxd with cancer tomorrow, I would be reassuring my DC's that I would use every treatment possible to get me better, I would be honest with them about what they could expect to see happen around them, be honest about why they might have to spend some time without me if I am in hospital receiving treatment, and if asked by them, I would reassure them that they will always be well looked after.

I would be unable to give false reassurances that everything will be fine, because my DC's would see right through that.

Even when my DD's friend's leukaemia returned, and she was unable to have any more chemo, I had an honest and frank discussion with her about the possibility that her friend may not survive. DD has coped far better with her friend's death than some of her friends have, because her death was quite sudden in the end, and her friends were under the impression that everything would be ok.

I feel that their parents did them a disservice by not being honest, as they had no time to mentally prepare for what happened.

I apologise for the swearing - I am just generally a bit sweary, no offended was meant by the swearing, it's just how I talk and type when amongst adults.

Erm, if the child wants someone to blame, why should the innocent parent shoulder that blame?

Even if there are relationship problems, that is not a reason to cheat. It might be a reason to go to couple's counselling, and individual counselling, it might be a reason to end a relationship (though that should be thought long and hard about, and not done UNTIL couple's counselling has been tried unless one partner is abusive), but it is unequivocally NOT a reason to cheat. Because there is NEVER a reason to cheat. NEVER.

And in the case where Mummy kicks Daddy out because Mummy had an affair - MUMMY should be the one to leave. If she couldn't put her DC's above her own sex life, well, she's not much of a bloody parent, is she.

It's just selfishness and self-absorption that causes people to cheat. They DON'T put their DC's future well being as their top priority when they decide to tear their family apart by choosing to have an affair.

And IMO, that is selfishness, thinking of themselves and THEIR emotions and what THEY want ABOVE the emotions of their DC's, and what their DC's want.

I HAVE been in a position where I could have chosen to get involved with someone whilst already in a relationship. I chose to back well away and not get involved, and to work on my relationship instead. Because how my DC's would have felt knowing that I had chose my own feelings over theirs was enough to stop me from even meeting with this person, because oddly enough, I put their future well being over getting a shag from some random.

Who a few years later ended up not being 'some random', because we bumped into each other a year after my marriage had been blown apart by my Ex-H's cheating, and got into a relationship then.

I just can't understand why a parent doesn't consider their DC's feelings BEFORE embarking on an affair. And I then can't understand why that parent seems shocked that the child is angry with them, hates them, or even wishes them and their new parent dead to them. Why do that to your child?!

i see no purpose in telling my DC every single piece of 'truth' in the name of honesty. First and foremost my job is to protect them. That sometimes means I keep things to myself. Otherwise what would be the outcome? "what's wrong mummy?" "oh i've just been recalled to hospital as i've had another dodgy smear test/ i'm worried i'll lose my job in this restructuring and we might lose our house/ i'm afraid this plane will crash". Nope prefer to keep some things to myself and i'm pretty good at putting on a brave face and distracting them. If a parent has consistent low or anxious or angry moods or long periods of illness then that needs some age appropriate explanation but again that can be done in a way that doesn't make things worse.

Anyway going off topic a bit here. Sorry op no more advice for you and sorry you've had such a pasting on here.

A child should be told the truth about things that affect their lives in an age appropriate way. A dodgy smear doesn't mean it will affect the child at all you could go back and everythings fine or everrything is fine after the initial treatment.

However a parent leaving the house has obvious and immediate repercussions for the child.

I refuse to shoulder the bad guy role whilst covering up ex's truly horrendous behaviour. So I don't, anything that affects my children I tell them, clamly factually in a manner that they can understand (if I didn't ex would take the opportunity to bad mouth me to my girls anyway and they would be confused and upset and angry and I'd have to tell them anyway).

Damned if I'm going to wind up living under a roof with two incredibly angry teens who blame me for everything when I did nothing wrong.

My children as a result are calm and happy and assured in their being very loved.

ex took our car when I began divorce proceedings too, I didn't tell my children he had done so, but my eldest (five years old at the time), noticed the car was gone as was ex and hated him for making her walk thro snow and rain while he had taken 'her' car. I heard her telling her sister, I never even mentioned it as I don't mind taking the bus and can walk for miles quite comfortably. But she was little and really felt the cold.

When my XH was unfaithful I beat the living shit out of the OW.

So OP, it could be worse.

Well done you, violence is always the solution

You sound quite proud

couthy Your ideal scenario is all well and good, but even your own experiences prove that it is rarely achieved.

When one parent had behaved badly, put themselves before the DCs and generally not considered the impact of their actions - as i see it, the other parent has a choice.

While they support their DC's through the pain and distress of the family breakup, they can choose to protect their DC from additional harsh truths that will make things worse for the DCs and serve no purpose other than honesty for honesty's sake, or they can adopt a strategy of complete disclosure, which leads to the DC experiencing an additional deluge of emotions that they may struggle to cope with.

i completely agree NADM well said.

Hear hear NADM.

I was cheated on by my DS's father, who I kicked out when DS was 4. Quite obviously DS noticed this but we had both sat down with him beforehand and had explained we no longer wanted to be with each other, but still loved him, etc etc etc.

Sure ... part of me wanted to hurt my ex in revenge but leaving aside the rights and wrongs of doing that one thing I was sure of was that I was never - if I could possibly help it - going to get back and score points or whatever at my ex by making our son upset in the process. My feeling at the time was that DS was already vulnerable and having to deal with his parents' separation. Going into nitty gritty details with him ran the risk - I believed - of him identifying with his father if I made his dad out to be the bad guy. Think about how playground taunts regarding parents can so easily get to children for a minute .... the kids who are teased because their mum is very overweight, or because their dad is in prison, or because their parents are "old" ..... no way did I want, in effect, to tell DS that his dad was "a shit" (even though, to me, he was) because more than anything else I did not want my son to think even for a minute that if his dad was "a shit" (not that I'd have used that phrase but you know what I mean) then he must be too.

So far as I experienced, my son never apportioned "blame". He never tried to work out whose "fault" it was so I didn't need to "defend" myself by blaming my ex. I totally agree he should have been honest if he was unhappy long before he had an affair (which didn't last) but the fact remained when all was said and done that I could no longer trust him and therefore no longer live with him ....... therefore we split up. I never wanted to rub salt into my son's wounds by giving him any info that would lead to him hating his dad - not for his dad's sake, but for the sake of his self esteem. As things turned out his dad didn't make too bad a job of being an absent parent and that obviously benefitted me as well as being the best possible thing (in the circumstances) for DS. I suspect that had I aired his dirty linen so to speak I'd have ended up with an acrinomious relationship which would have helped no one least of all DS who'd be caught in the middle. Regardless of what my ex did and what he put me through, and yes, DS too, I can hold my head high and be totally confident that I never said or did anything which might have added to DS's distress. I'm convinced that if you can maintain the moral high ground it's better for the child as they have less to worry about and can get on with the new living situation without any additional worries. It's all relationship stuff anyway and how on earth can young children possibly begin to understand the ins and outs of what drives people to cheat ? They don't need to know about any of that - childhood innocence lasts for such a short time as it is.

BTW my son is now an adult and very well adjusted. That fact and the fact he had the best possible childhood in the circumstances of his parents splitting far far outweighs any need to apportion blame I might once have felt. My ex did a very wrong thing - to me and to DS (because of the repercussions) but 2 wrongs don't make a right and all that. I can hold my head high and know I did not contribute to any worry or unhappiness DS had over the split by adding more anger into the mix.

Does it occur to anyone here that the responsibility for sorting this out is that of the child's father?

Not the poor mother who's got enough to put up with, nor the abused girlfriend who he wouldn't listen to in any case.

Why is the father allowing his DS to behave like this? Anger and resentment is one thing, lingering murderous insults another.

The kid clearly isn't happy at home even after the separation. Step up, Dad.

wow , great post catsmother and you really do deserve to hold your head up high as you behaved graciously and in your child's best interests , allowing him to have a happy safe childhood without getting him involved in adult matters. Well done you!

corygal i think it has been mentioned that its for mum and dad to sort out. I guess op came on here for advice that she could feed back to her partner. I think dad has to talk to mum and see what her response is. If its negative i.e she doesn't care then he has to take matters into his own hands and get professional help- maybe by seeing his child's GP first or a health visitor .

I think some posters are mixing up a 7 year old with a toddler. At 7 most children can put that together for themselves.

I used to dream about different ways of killing my dads OW. my dad was a bastard and getting away from him is probably the best thing that ever happened to me with hindsight. I had dreams about stabbing, pushing her out the window, her getting hit by a car and many more. i thought it would fix my family.

If you really want a future with your OM I would back off, move out if you have been silly enough to move in with a married man and let the child come to terms with things without an unwanted intruder in his life.

It never fails to amaze me how adults put their selfishness ahead of their children. On the positive side its good that your OM's DS can talk to him about his feelings, I never could.

Thank you for all the advice form every one. I really appreciate it. Obviously some of it is difficult to read, but i do value everybodies opinion.
To clarify, both our relationships were going through a difficult period, which in no means acts as an excuse.
I reference to me 'Butting Out!'....I am not 'butting in', just concerned for the little boy really, and my DP.
Some of the links have referred to me perhaps lying about what the mother has siad and done, which I can assure you I haven't.
Please don't read my thread and think I am looking for any sympathy, I was just looking for help.
I have a child myself, and myself and my Ex have managed to make our breakup as easy as we can. We work together and never bad mouth each other (which has taken a lot of restraint from him, for which I have a huge amount of respect and admiration).
My main concern was for the child...not myself
Thank you for all the constructive, non aggressive messages

(she was over heard on the phone encouraging him!)

poor kid, that is emotional abuse, ask your partner to remind her of that.