DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

No of course it shouldnt stay the same, I didnt suggest for one minute that it should, as I said the time they spend together will be different.

However this 18 year old wants to spend time with his Dad, that will change, people mature at different levels, and sometimes the late bloomers need a little gentle persuasion, which is entirely different to be told they cant see their Dad.

It is quite normal for teenagers to be at home, chilling, spending time with Dad, and just being there, why cant he. Which is why Im suggesting trying to find ways of him being able to get there without the need for constant lifts, which I understood to be the major issue.

It should be the case that this is led by the young adults and is a natural progression towards independence

I agree wholeheartedly. In fact my family is currently concerned about another family member who is showing no signs of independence (at nearly 19) and has just turned down 4 uni offers to stay at home and do OU instead. We are actually quite worried about this family member

Great posts from Bonsoir. Agree with every word she says and can't really add to it.

Nothing has changed for your DSS Except one day there was anniversary of his birth and he's now 18 years old but all other practicalities in his life have remained the same.

But no DC, of any age, should expect to be able to dictate contact/care schedules.

My DD came up with what she thought was a fabulous idea for her own arrangements - until I explained that if she slept every night at her Dads then I wouldn't be at home after school for her every day, I'd have to go to work for longer hours, because I wouldn't get CB/Tax Credits etc.

petals DSS wants something that can only be achieved through a financial/personal sacrifice by his Dad (and petal).

It's not unreasonable for parents to put limits on the sacrifices they make for their DCs at any age, but when that DC is legally an adult, and could walk away without a backward glance at any time, it is perfectly reasonable for a parent to put their own lives ahead of their DCs desires.

"financial/personal sacrifice by his Dad"

Isnt that what we as parents do when we choose to have children, either biologically or part of a blended family.

Yes pinkbraces but within reason. I would give my life for my children but I wouldn't do something that compromised their growth and independence just because they thought it was a good idea.

My next paragraph addressed your anticipated response.

All parents put limits on the sacrifices they are prepared to make - this is no different.

I wouldn't sell my house to create once-in-a-lifetime memories on a Disney holiday,

I wouldn't work 50 hours a week to pay for private school

I wouldn't sacrifice every weekend to drive DD to horse shows up and down the country.

But other than the collecting and dropping off (which I can see is tiresome and should be remedied) there is not much of a financial outlay is there - the stepson just wants to be in the house, and to treat it as his home, as he has done so far. There is not some magical switch which is flicked at 18 to change from 'child' to 'adult'. If he has been a rather insular kid who likes to be with his dad all his teenage years, he is likely to remain that way now he is 18.

Cost of travel? Lost hours? petal said that dropping and picking up DSS to college every day would impact on her DPs work.

And I don't think he's ever viewed his dads house as home - from petals previous posts, it's clear he expects to be entertained as a guest, not muck in as a member of the family.

Yes people mature at different rates but some unfortunately never do. They tend to be the people still living with parents in their 30's

The DSS used to spend Thu ni, Fri ni and Sat ni with Petal, going home 6pm Sunday.

Then he got a job and DH was having to take him home on Sat lunch, collect him Sat eve and take him again on Sun lunch.

This wasn't workable. DH couldn't keep doing it.

Now he wants to spend Tue ni, Wed ni, Thu ni, and Fri ni there, going home lunchtime Saturday.

If Petals DH agrees to this then he will have to collect his son on a Tue, take him to college Wed am, collect him Wed pm, take him Thu am, collect him Thu pm, take him Fri am, collect him Fri PM and take him home Sat lunch.

If the weekend wasn't workable before (as agreed by DH) then how can more disruption be workable?

We all give up stuff when we work. Before I worked I could go out on the piss overnight and sleep off my hangover during the day. Now I can't.

Petals DSS needs to understand that his life has changed whether he likes it or not . He is a college student. He is an adult. He is a worker. All these things are GOOD things. They are things to be excited about. He's a 'grown-up'. He should be celebrating this, not trying to cling on to the past.

He should be trying to work around his own schedule, without screwing up his dads. It's what grown-ups do. We all compromise. There isn't a single person on this board whose life hasn't changed since the age of 16.

His life should have changed when he left school and went to college. Then changed again when he got a job. It didn't and it needs to. Doesn't matter if he's 16, 18 20 or 45 - Life changes all the time.

But Petal, you used to complain that the contact schedule was set in stone by the adults and that that wasn't an appropriate way to treat a teenager, and it was preventing him getting a part time job.

Now he has a part time job, and wants to vary the contact routine as a result, and you're not happy with this either.

Since an informal arrangement of him making his own way to and fro is clearly impractical (since you and your DP live far from public transport and quite far from his mum and school), I can't help but conclude that what you really want isn't flexibility, it is just for DSS to spend much less time with his dad :(

petals. I wouldn't worry so much about DS'S lack of independence, it doesn't mean he won't do well once he leaves home for Uni. Lots and lots of DC's are like this. It is not the best way to be but it is fairly normal behaviour. My DM is still waiting for my DB's to mature and they are in their forties.
Its obvious you don't like him very much and that you don't like him being at your home, but I guess he considers it his home too. The travel situation is very irritating but it's not of his doing and he probably doesn't give it much thought.

A lot of parents (step parents included ) would be happy to have a well behaved DC, who is working towards Uni and has found himself weekend work. Trust me, some teenagers are awful!
If I were you I would let it all ride, let your SS decide how he wants to manage his time, it won't be long before he goes to Uni. His parents splitting up is not his fault, have some compassion for him. Obviously, your DH should discuss with his DS how to manage his living arrangements so that it is not too difficult for your him but I would stay right out of it if I were you.
He really sounds like a very normal 18 year old. I am constantly amazed how my similarly aged DC can be both incredibly mature and sensible one minute and then quite childlike the next. It's normal and doesn't mean your DS'S is doomed to fail when he leaves home.
I hope DSS doesn't know what you think of him

Well "normal" 18 year olds must have changed a lot since my days then. No friends, no hobbies, no extra curricular activities.

Regarding the 'adult freedoms' question - yes, at 18 he does have freedoms he didn't have when he was younger - but significantly, he doesn't have much choice about where to live. As a school/college student, he probably can't earn enough to rent his own place, so 'home' is his most practical option - and for him, home is two places - with his mum and with his dad.

If he spends less time at the OP's house, this isn't going to mean he spends more time being an adult, he will just spend more time living at his mum's house. Crucially, I can see how this would make him feel less 'wanted' at his dad's house - and for that reason, I feel very sorry for this lad.

I also think, regarding the strict time-tabling issue, some people need and want more strict timetables than others, and there is nothing wrong with this.

It seems as if this lad is being demonised and condemned for the very normal thing of wanting to spend time with his dad or at his dad's house. My ds1 is 19, and I see nothing unusual in the fact that he still lives at home, nor in the fact that we provided him with a secure, structured home life whilst he was doing his Highers and Advanced Highers (we live in Scotland - these are A level equivalents) - that's all that this lad wants and needs - and it is e job of both of his parents' job to provide this for him.

I would say that it is at the end of A levels/the start of university that he should be moving towards more independence, as my ds1 is, at the end of this month. We won't stop worrying about him, or caring about him, though.

I would hope the DSS has friends at college , he has a job and I bet he plays on the computer a lot. (Admittedly, this is not the best choice of hobbies but a hobby nonetheless.).

I don't think this type of behaviour is unusual or odd. it is not that desirable but it not abnormal.

Sorry for typos

What an unsupportive stepmother you sound, OP. (I haven't read the whole thread.)

Artex, come on, that's a bit unfair. If you are going to post something like that it's not right to ignore the context in which it was said. Not really the done thing.

Your DSS is in sixth form, therefore a dependant. When he finishes he will be independent, he is not now. (Just because the a few 6th form students are independent, doesn't mean they should all be deemed so.)

Stay out of it and let DH and DSS decide on what form their relationship will develop into.

And Bonsoir gave you an important bit of advice; support him in doing his best with his exams. The better he does at this stage, the more options he has later in life, and the more content he will be.

My eldest son is not going to be independent until he finishes his degree in 4 years when he will be 24 (he had a gap year post A levels). It will be a few years after that until he's independent.

Until such time as he can support himelf with a proper home of his own, this is his home.

What weird ideas some step-parents have.

Absolutely right, LittleFrieda.