DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

If you'd read my OP you'd see that I'm not expecting DSS to be totally independent, just slightly more mature than at present, and less insistence on everyone living their lives by a rota.

Why does being more mature have to mean him spending less time with his dad/at his dad's house? Or, to put it another way, why is it immature to want to spend time with his dad?

And maybe he is feeling he has to,insist on a rota because he's feeling pushed out by you.

Being a step parent is VERY different to being a parent. I find it very weird when parents do not recognise that.

Petals DH and his ex wife will, I am sure, support their son just as any parent would. But if a parent was not concerned that their adult child had no outside interests, no will to do anything for themselves then I would find that very strange indeed.

Still, horses for courses - we all expect different things from our children. I would be very disappointed if DD showed no 'get up and go' when she was 18 - and would do anything I could to improve matters.

I am also very proud of my extremely independent stepdaughter. She is a credit to her parents and to me.

SDT have you actually read the thread? He comes when his dad isn't on the house just because the access roster says so. It isn't about quality, it's only quantity per the original schedule.

Does your stepson drive?

Why does being more mature have to mean him spending less time with his dad/at his dad's house?

Mature enough to realise that sticking to a rota is risking his fathers job?
Mature enough to realise that his father losing his job puts his own college / transport / home life / future at risk too?

But we're only getting the OPs opinion of why the son does things, and I think she may have a slightly blinkered opinion on it.

The only person who can really know why the son does what he does is the son.
And unless we heard his side, and possibly the parents side as well I don't know how anyone can say 'he's doing this because...'

Personally I feel really sorry for him, the Philip Larkin poem springs to mind.

Allnew - yes, I have read the thread. Maybe he doesn't want to give up any of the time he is entitled to, because he feels that giving up some of the time would be the first step in him being completely pushed out. He's clinging on grimly to his entitlements because he's feeling that the OP doesn't want him there - I don't know if he does feel that way, but based solely on this thread, several people have got the impression that the OP doesn't much like her dss spending time at their house, so maybe he has picked up on that too.

And maybe he needs stability during the last year of his A levels, so he can do his best and have the greatest chances of real I dependence in the future. It's just one more year, but it is a very important one for him.

That should be real independence, not real I dependence.

Oh well, if his father loses his job he won't have to worry about not seeing him any more - I mean he'll be around whenever he wants won't he?

Although, how will they run a car without a wage? Oh.

Just to update you - DH has decided he simply can't accommodate the logistics of getting DSS to/from college Tues-Fri. DH woud lose 1.5 hrs each morning and 2 hrs each evening, just not realistic with a small business in a recession. He's told DSS that if his mother was prepared to help with lifts ( non starter) or if he learned to drive it would be different.

Petal - why don't you facilitate his independence and get him some driving lessons and a car?

You and your dh may be saying 'it's not practicable, given the journey to college' - but what if what he hears is 'we don't want you here'? He will be upset, feel rejected, and that won't help him do well in his exams.

I feel very sorry for him.

So when is your husband going to see his son, and ya know, share the burden of his child with his ex wife? I have sons 20 and 17 and they require a lot of guidance and emotional support.

Freda, we've spent the last 12 months encouraging him to apply for a provisional licence, but he still hasn't got round to it . To be honest, I don't think he wants to drive, he seems quite happy to be ferried around.

Well done him. He's teaching his son that earning a living comes before the wants of a teenager. Dss has a home with his mum and whilst he also has a home with dad, he can't just expect everyone to drop everything because dss wants them to. Maybe dss might learn that his mother is unsupportive of him and it's not petal that is being obstructive.

There are lots of things we would all like to do but most of us very early on that we can't always do them and other people don't have to bend over backwards for us every time. Being grown up is about taking responsibility for ourselves and considering the needs of others. Seems like dss doesn't consider his dad in all this at all if he is expecting him to do all that travelling. Perhaps if dss were to get a car and find the fuel himself he might understand things a little better.

SDT - DSS plans to study maths or economics at uni, so he is bright enough to realise that it's not economically viable for DH to lose hours of work each day.

Perhaps I should encourage DH to stop working, so that he's permanently available to indulge his son? He can then pay the ex the statutory minimum maintenance of £5 per week ( that would make an interesting thread) and of course the car would have to go, so DSS would have to learn to drive (poor lamb) .........

He may understand that logically, petal, but still feel rejected. Feelings are not logical.

I was a lot younger than 18 when I began to understand that my parents couldn't finance or accommodate my every requirement.

I am sorry but Petals frustration stems from the rigidity of the arrangements and not not wanting SS around.

I cant say I blame her.

And another thing SDT - are you seriously suggesting that DH should jeopardise his business (and the jobs of the people he employs) just to ensure that DSS doesn't feel rejected, even though he's old enough to understand the economics of the situation?

You and your dh may be saying 'it's not practicable, given the journey to college' - but what if what he hears is 'we don't want you here'? He will be upset, feel rejected, and that won't help him do well in his exams.

So, as parents, we are never to explain to our DC's that something they want isn't practical, in case they feel rejected?

In the case of my (then 9 year old) DD, she had it all worked out when I was made redundant - it would be fair if she could see both parents every day so she wanted to come to me after school each day and then for her Dad to pick her up once he had finished work and she spent every night with him.
For economic reasons, this wasn't practical as it would have led to a change in her primary residency and which of us received the benefits, and it would also have prevented exH having a social life!

But, you are saying that what she heard is that exH and I didn't want to see her every day.

As for petals DSS not being independent, or having any option about where he lives because he is at college - that is his choice. He has chosen to remain in education, and work part time - and if that is a the expense of the time he spends with his parents, then that is the choice he has made.
He has chosen not to apply for a provisional license - that means he can't see his Dad as often - a choice he has made. He can chose to vote, marry, live independently etc etc. If he chooses to remain dependant on his parents by going to college and they are prepared to support him, then that choice is made knowing the restrictions that places on him in terms of living arrangements and how often he will be able to spend time with each parent.

He currently seems to expect to be able to do what he wants to do (college, p/t job, not drive) on his terms. It is perfectly reasonable for a parent to say no.

Does anyone think it might be possible that DSS is aware how much he irritates his DSM and that he does some of this just to annoy her. Quiet and effective passive aggression

I would be pretty sure that the OP's DH does know how much it irritates the OP and yet he still doesn't want to stop his DS from 'inconveniencing' him. Maybe he doesn't mind and is happy that his DS wants to spend time at his house. I would let OP's DH decide what to do.

Maybe petals dp could offer to take dss out to dinner one evening a week/fortnight somewhere need his college? Quality time rather than just being stuck in petals house in his room. Might help improve his social skills, give him some time with his dad and gives petal a night to put in a face pack with a glass of wine.