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Original poster

DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

512 replies

Petal02 · 04/09/2012 16:16

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

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MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 05/09/2012 11:38

What things do you mean by independence though? Because I think breaking down what you/DP want to happen is the key to fixing it.

Many adults have routines. I hate for example people just popping in. Drives me batty. I am a bit antisocial at the best of times though

slartybartfast · 05/09/2012 11:39

does he have friends near to both homes?

slartybartfast · 05/09/2012 11:39

i bet there is a girl involved

LtEveDallas · 05/09/2012 11:39

Just because one 16 year-old does something that doesn't mean all 16 year-olds should do it

No of course not, but I would expect more from any 18 year old that what is currently happening.

He doesn't have to move away/live on his own/get away from his parents etc, but he should be moving towards his own independance rather than clinging to the status quo that was appropriate for an 11 year old, but not now.

Personally I think Petal cares very much for her DSS and she seems to be the only one in the blended family trying to help him move on. Mollycoddling him is going to cause a world of hurt later down the line. I mean what independant, centered, sensible young man would consider giving up a paid job (in a terrible economy) just because it doesn't fit in with his dad? What happens then when Uni or FT work rears its head?

Petal - what about a scooter/moped for the travelling issue? (although if I'm right you live too far from each other for this to be safe).

OhChristFENTON · 05/09/2012 11:40

Yes, Petal there have been steps forward haven't there? But I guess you feel understandably that his coming up with a new rigid contact rota suggestion is a bit of a step back.

allnewtaketwo · 05/09/2012 12:33

I think that the structured nature of the calculation of time spent is very odd. Spending Tuesday to Sat will realistically not improve the quality of time spent with his father. A mathematical calculation shows that it's not the quality of time spent that he's interested in. It's also very strange that he doesn't have any interests of his own during the week, or friends. Such a distinct lack of extra curricular interests will not help him get into uni at all.

Transport is a real problem, but I rather suspect this is quite convenient for him because it increases his dependency. Ferrying him around like a little kid during the week is ridiculous. Sympathies Petal!

msrisotto · 05/09/2012 12:53

He's independent enough to get a job. . .

NotaDisneyMum · 05/09/2012 12:58

Reading this and other posts has led me to the conclusion that this young man (legally an adult but not as mature as many of his peers) wants the best of both worlds.

He wants a job, which provides him with money to spend on what he chooses, like an adult does.
He wants to work towards a university place - like a young adult does.
He wants his parents to facilitate his travel to and from college/school and work, rather than problem solve like adult would.
He wants his parents to enforce and maintain a fair contact arrangement, rather than take responsibility for it himself and learn to deal with the conflicting emotions that not seeing parents as regularly and often leads to.

The fact that he is prepared to give up his job rather than deal with the adult world is an indication that he doesn't want to be an adult. Thats fine. His parents should treat him like a child and don't give him privileges that come with adult status.

Whether petal can put up with that or not us another issue entirely - what I see at the moment is two households offering her DSS everything on a plate. No wonder he isn't growing up - why would he - he's got all the benefits with none of the responsibility!

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 13:10

NADM - you are talking about a school boy - he doesn't have adult freedoms.

msrisotto · 05/09/2012 13:15

He's an inch away from being an adult. To classify him as a child is infantilising.

OhChristFENTON · 05/09/2012 13:18

He should at 18 be wanting to find his independence. It doesn't matter how many times you call him a 'schoolboy' - he's not 12, he's left 'school' and he's a young man attending further education who has a weekend job, earning himself money.

He should be learning independence and learning to drive like most normal 18 year olds.

LtEveDallas · 05/09/2012 13:19

NADM agreed. He can either be an adult and be treated as such, or not. He cannot have it both ways.

(Although I have a feeling he does NOT want to be an adult. I expect the job is a red herring that he would give up at the drop of a hat. The fact that he is 18 and has only had a weekend job for a short while is telling. All my adult neices and nephews (and DSD) have had Saturday jobs or paperounds from age 14/15. Earning their own money is a right of passage that seems to have passed Petals DSS by)

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 13:23

He has not left school - he is doing his A-levels.

OhChristFENTON · 05/09/2012 13:26

'school' is up to age 16/ GSCE level.

6th form/ college / A-levels are further education.

He's a young adult not a boy.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 13:43

No, school is up to the end of A-levels. And, this year, the absolute focus for Petal02's DSS and his family ought to be getting the very best A-levels he can, which will happen if he is properly supported.

Some of you are so callous and short-sighted...

allnewtaketwo · 05/09/2012 13:50

Getting good a levels alone, without having age appropriate life skills, is not enough these days. Other applicants will leave him standing with their age appropriate level of outside interests, initiative and sense of independence.

Having read Petals previous threads, her DSS is NOT at school as he left to go to college for his A levels.

OhChristFENTON · 05/09/2012 13:53

No Bonsoir you are splitting hairs wrong, compulsory school ends at age 16, the normal GSCE level.

Anything after that, even if it's attended at the same school setting is further education / college, although if it is at the same setting it is usually referred to as 6th form.

In any case it doesn't change the fact that it's infantilising this young man to consider him and treat him as a school boy, and facilitating him acting like a child instead of the adult he should be becoming.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 13:53

You get one shot at A-levels, whereas general maturity is something that grows over time and according to the level of support you get gaining it. And A-levels (exam results) are by far the most critical factor for university entrance. There are lots of extremely immature students (many of whom will never have had any kind of job) who do just fine.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 13:55

College is an alternative to school, but it is school until 18. And someone at school does not have adult freedoms.

OhChristFENTON · 05/09/2012 13:57

What are these adult freedoms you keep on about?

He is of adult age, - he is free to earn money, to get on a bus or a train, to learn to drive and be independent - the only person who is hampering his 'freedom' his him.

allnewtaketwo · 05/09/2012 14:01

You don't actually only have one shot at a levels, but you do only have one shot at growing up

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 14:05

He has to go to school, to attend lessons and to do homework (rather a lot of it in your final year). He does not have the freedom to earn enough money to support himself, buy a car, live anywhere other than with his parents.

He is not gaining an inch of independence by being sidelined by Petal02. All he can do is spend more time at his mother's home.

Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 14:06

No, growing up really is not a one shot opportunity. And A-level retakes are almost worthless these days.

LtEveDallas · 05/09/2012 14:14

A level retakes are no different to A levels. If it takes you one, two, or three times its the grade at the end that counts. Ridiculous statement.

At 16 DSD is going to college. She will be at college for 2 full days, 1 short day per week. She intends to work alongside those 3 days. No, she wont make enough to fully suupport herself, but the money my DH gives her will supplement that.

She would be horrified if someone called her a schoolgirl. Bloody horrified.

And my DSD isn't an adult.

allnewtaketwo · 05/09/2012 14:20

As are students who are unable to demonstrate the ability to think and act independently. That's not something anyone can suddenly learn post studies. It has to be acquired, and indeed encouraged, while growing up.

I'd love to see how he's going to fill the space on the personal statement in his uni app