DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

Petal, those replies to Amber are very rude and unnecessary. She was actually sympathetic to your position. And I'm finding it increasingly ironic that your criticise your DSS for not wanting to be independent and do stuff for himself when you yourself seem to have a much more stereotypically teenage attitude of feeling entitled to have it all your way and sulking that it isn't working out like that.

Petal LOL at "this is practically no longer astep parenting issue". But for the stepmother who dislikes the stepson being in her house or demanding on her life with the DSS's father, it's not. I suggest you read your OP again. It is so self-absorbed it's a larfff. Most 18 year olds would have more self awareness and insight into the root cause of the problem.

I'm not being spiteful towards Amber, just slightly incredulous that a lady who's had her first baby still visits her parents in line with the acces rota - hence my question if she timed the arrival of her baby to be rota-compliant.

Frieda

"how a happy step family should work"?

"how it can be done much better"?

Really? Are you just the MN resident expert or a national authority? Is step-parenting your specialism or do you advise on all aspects of child rearing?

I have just done a quick search and read some of your earlier threads Petal. I've come to the conclusion that this is actually a MIL thread situation.

There are often threads on here about MILs and how awful/overbearing/unreasonable they are. Sometimes when you read them your end up thinking, 'Yes she's out of line, but she's not the real problem.' The anger gets channeled at the MIL because it's easier to be mad at them than face the fact that the real problem is the DP/H's reaction to the situation. It's the lack of support/will to change things from the husband/partner that means the OP's issues are never dealt with.

Whether your DSS is a bit unusual, however he behaves, it's your DH who allows the situation to continue. It's your DH who doesn't take his son out and give you some peace and your DH who chooses to drive all the way to his ex's home to pick up his son and bring him back to leave him in an empty house. All your anger is directed at your DSS, but (even though he's 18) it's your DH who is the adult in this situation and who you seem to have had to push and push to get any change.

You were spiteful and unpleasant in your post about her relationship with her husband and the baby-arrival comment.

Not sure where to even begin to respond to some of the comments in these posts...but for starters...

If my DSD (who does her A levels this year) doesn't get a part-time job, there is no RG university for her, because she won't be able to afford to go.

Moreover, the field she has chosen to study (and we're supportive of her choice) is one in which she is likely to need to continue to work at other, less specialised jobs in order to earn a viable living. She needs work, and she needs work experience. Many young adults do.

Maybe financial need is or isn't a consideration in Petal's DSS's case - but the idea that a job is unnecessary or an undue hardship at 18 years old - pffft.

Petal - your comments at about 22.53 and 23.06 were really spiteful and nasty.

Narkedraspberry - I think you're probably right. Although tonight is one of the first times DH has ever said "no" to DSS.

brdgrl - but your circumstances aren't Petal's circumstances, any more than my circumtances are. I was only asking if they could afford to lose the part time job and then salvage access weekends (which I see are only alternate weekends fgs). There's quite a lot of help for hard up families going to university, so I hope your daughter will be fine.

That's progress. And maybe he could teach his DS to drive? It would be harder for your DSS to avoid the lessons, buy you some peace and give them some father-son time.

I was only asking if they could afford to lose the part time job and then salvage access weekends (which I see are only alternate weekends fgs).
No, you were saying that more time for A levels was more important than a job. I'm pointing out that a) that's not necessarily, or even probably, true. And b) regardless of individual circumstances, the suggestion that parents should paya young adult not to work (on top, it seems, of continuing to provide a home and daily financial support), on the basis that they are doing A-levels, is absurd in the extreme, no matter what the financial circumstances of the parents!

And no, none of us know Petal's circumstances, or those of any of the stepmums who post here, beyond what they post. I know from Petal's posts that she has a legitimate concern given the history here. And I see a lot of assumptions being made.

There's quite a lot of help for hard up families going to university, so I hope your daughter will be fine.
Thanks, I'm sure my stepdaughter will be fine, if she gets a job!
I would like to point out, though, that there is a great deal of support for students going to three-year universities; there is no support for the families of young adults going to university.

I'm 20, I live with my mum as I'm going to school and she is my MH carer, helping me through school. I am legally an adult, but completely dependent and nowhere near ready to be independent.

It would break my heart if suddenly mum said 'buck up and get on with it, time for us to spend less time together.' :(

I spend a lot of time alone in my house. Why? because it's my home. Why is that so bad?

Petal, I agree that it's an impractical situation and I'm glad your DH said no, but reading through your other threads it's very obvious you don't even like your 'D'SS. I would hazard a huge guess the reason he came up with this impractical idea is because he is desperately grasping at any straw he can to keep seeing his dad, as there's just no way he doesn't know you don't like him and he probably fears without the rota, he'd be left in the cold by you.

Please have more empathy for your SS, we all grow up at different rates and he just wants to spend time with his dad whom he clearly adores. You'll most likely find if you stop judging him so much and focus on his positive attributes, he'll become more confident, the rota will go because he won't fear 'losing' his dad.

Good luck.

Petal, if for any reason my DD has a stepmother in the future I hope to hell its not someone like you.

brdgirl actually there are circumstances where "paying" an 18 year old not to work is not absurd.

My dd had a job but is dyslexic. Despite getting AAAA for her As levels, she really began to struggle at the start of her A2 levels. She takes twice as long as anyone else to read anything. We discussed it with her and suggested she gave up her Saturday job and we would "pay her". She spent Saturdays doing extra study and went on to secure her place at a fantastic uni. This didn't make her work shy or spoilt or anything else. As far as we were concerned she needed extra support and we as her parents gave it to her.

She's since had several other jobs during her gap year and uni holidays. Infact she was selected from over 40 candidates to work for her uni this summer. She has just finished the contract and they have asked her to carry on, part time during term time, proving that us paying her for a few months was not absurd.

I would think ensuring you see your parent properly, would also be a valid reason to pay a teenager not to have a job during, their A2 level studies.

Why is a fixed, regular, routine necessary in order to see a parent properly?

Mutual, convenient, flexible arrangements between parent and child are far more usual at this age - are none of those arrangements sufficient? Why not?

I can imagine how flexible and mutually convenient the op would be regarding the kind of arrangement you suggest Nota.

However I hope I'm totally wrong. Petal, how about the kind of arrangement Nota suggests. Would that suit you and your DH better?

I would be delighted if we could have the sort of arrangements that NADM mentioned in her post. That's exactly what I'm trying to achieve: flexible, mutually convenient arrangements.

Petal has been trying to initiate a flexible routine for years Quick. Her DSS has instead counted to the hour the amount of time to be spent at both houses and in doing so has alienated Petal and caused considerable distress to his father. A mutually convenient and flexible routine would be heaven for Petal

I would think ensuring you see your parent properly, would also be a valid reason to pay a teenager not to have a job during, their A2 level studies

I would also agree to this statement if it does make anything easier, but DO NOT think it should be the sole concern of Petal and her DH. DSS's mother should also 'chip in' if this is the case. Petal would she?

Sorry for answering for you Petal, x posts!

But how can an arrangement ever be truly flexible and mutually convenient when the dss can't get to his father's home?

There is no public transport and because of work commitments and distances involved his father won't transport him dring the week.

Petal you have also made it clear in your OP that you "don't want to spend 4 consecutive nights hanging out with DH's adult son"
A lot of parents do spend this time with their dc during college term time. The dc are usually in their bedrooms studying for several hours. That is what 18 years olds studying for A levels do.

But how can an arrangement ever be truly flexible and mutually convenient when the dss can't get to his father's home?

Which is why Petal has been asking her DSS to apply for his Provisional Licence for a year now. DH has also asked his ex for help with transport, but she wont.

Does SS have anxiety towards learning to drive? It will be many a year -if ever- I learn to drive as it brings out extreme anxiety in me.

This is going to go on for years.

When he's married with children will he be allowed to come round when he wants?

Or will it be inconvenient?

Doesn't 'flexible and mutually convenient' actually just = less time spent at their house? I can't see how it would ever stay at the same amount, or even near that.

If he applies for his provisional licence, is someone going to buy him a car so he can actually do this travelling to and fro himself? Otherwise, driving lessons are not actually any use for this situation. He'd be better off with a moped or bike.