DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

Hahahahaha

I have a wonderful relationship with my patents based on love and mutual respect, nothing to do with entitlement. I know which I think is preferable. No need to be sad

I don't think that is a legal or moral right

Parents are not obliged, nor should they be expected, to have a relationship with an adult child. If a child chooses a path that is ethically or morally unacceptable to their parents, the child does not have a right to a relationship regardless.

I feel very sorry for him.

What magically happens the minute he turned 18 that means he doesnt need his Dad as much? He is in the middle of his A levels. He needs as much support and contact as when he was 17.

A levels are bloody hard work, the competition for places is much more than it was. He will need AAB to get into a decent uni. He has one more year, to work hard and get those grades. You should be doing everything possible to support and encourage him. Not be giving him the impression he shouldn't need his Dad as much.

We live in a village with one bus a day, hence we spend an awful lot of time, driving our older teenagers around. If you choose to live in a place like that with dc, that's the downside. If your dh can't take him to college, you could organise a taxi to pick him up and take him to the nearest town so he can then get public transport.

Ive read lots of Petals posts over the last two years and it has been clear that she resents her DSSs presence.

Is this about him turning 18 and needing to be independant? or is it about Petal having thought very oddly IMO that parenting ends when your child turns 18?

I think from what ive read previously that this boy is aware on some level that he is disliked/resented and behaves in a way that shows his insecurities.

His clingy behavior is classic insecurity.

I feel sorry for him but I also feel sorry for Petal as to feel how she has felt for however many years it has been must be awful and no way to live.

Sadly only Petal could have changed this.

Her DSS hasnt been in a position to change any of this.

I didnt stop spending time with my dad and step mum when I turned 18. I was working full time at that stage and I would still stay over at theirs on the midweek 'visit' and go to work from theirs.

Id stay on the weekends too and go out with my friends and return to my dads/SMs after clubbing/pubbing....my step mum even held my hair back for me while I puked up snakebite and black (yuk!)

Even when I had my first child we still visited on the days that were originally part of the access rota- I didnt always stay over though as there wasnt really room for me and my DP and children.

All of that happened because they are my family (yes SM too) and there was a mutual desire to spend time together.

Im 38 years old now and still love spending time with my parents (mum/dad and SM-not at the same time though!)

My step mum is my childrens Grandma.

My dad is still my dad and always will be. I know how lucky I am that my step mum has never had an issue with that.

I truely wish you could work this out Petal because I think you would be much happier if you could see that your DSS being around isnt a threat to you.

Very well put, AmberLeaf

Thank you Lurking.

amber it's great that continuing your contact schedule with your Dad into your adult life worked for your whole family (including your DP) but in petals case, it isn't working for everyone.

DSS wants to change the rota to suit his new commitments, and (seemingly) is feeling rejected when his dad says that DSS suggestion doesn't work for him.

Meanwhile, petal has been patiently waiting, in expectation that the time that her DPs spends parenting DSS will reduce (as many parents look forward to as their teens approach adulthood) and it hasn't happened.
It's not unreasonable for a SM to expect her DP to have less day to day involvement in his DCs lives once they are older teens - the majority can't wait to fly the nest.

Unfortunately, responsibility for DSS's dependence can be placed at the door of both parents.

All this sounds like the main aim is to have your DSS at your home less.

Great post AmberLeaf

Petal you obviously havent grasped the concept that parents and children often like spending time with each other. That they look forward go it and get pleasure from it.

Becoming 18 doesn't change that.

amber did you get yourself to work?

I feel very sorry for the DSS. He is completing his A levels which are incredibly important (far more so than any personal statement - I know my own uni basically ignored them). He has a stepmother who clearly resents him and doesn't want to relate to him. In many ways he is a typical teenager, sorry but most teenagers would far rather be ferried about than have to organise themselves - it's not fair on their parents but it isn't unusual.

I don't understand why the OP thought the clock striking midnight on his birthday should suddenly change everything but seems very angry with the DSS that it didn't - but as other posters have said becoming an adult isn't like licking a switch.

If thats all you took from my post Petal then...well pfff!

I didn't say I was abiding by the access rota I said I still visited on the days that were originally part of it. its not the same thing.

Don't feel sympathy for my children please-they don't need it.

The rest of your post is far too insulting to deserve a reply.

Flicking not licking

I wouldnt drive my own DS 3/4 hours a day every day, when he could stay at dads, and I have more reason than most to do it.

Thanks Dreamstodust.

amber did you get yourself to work?

On the whole yes, but we all lived in London and public transport was/is good.

Sometimes though my dad gave me a lift because he could and because he wanted to.

because he could exactly, Petals DH cant.

Amber, forgive the intrusion, but can we assume that you don't have relations with your DP until you've checked the calendar, just to ensure that any resulting children arrive in line with the access rota? Or maybe there's an app that configures conception dates with the access rota????

It's the DSS that wants things to change.

I'm sure that few people would envisage for one moment that an 18 year old would try to renegotiate his living arrangements with his parents, during his A level year, so that he can divide the time he has outside the job he has secured fairly between each parents home even if that inconvenienced his parents!

Petal you are way out of order towards Amber.

Has she hit a nerve or are you usually this rude?

This issue is practically no longer a step parenting issue - DSS has started a weekend job, and his father (not his step mother) has decided that his revised visiting proposals are not possible, for practical and financial reasons.

I'm relieved DH has made such a decision, it's been a triumph for common sense, and a father who (finally) won't indulge his son's every whim.

OP it sounds like you really dislike your DSS. Why such a convoluted and self absorbed post otherwise? You have to share your DH with your DSS - that's parenthood.

for him

Petal why are you being so spiteful to Amber?

Amber has described how a happy step family can and should work. SHe was perfectly civil. Don't start threads about your appalling attitude to your DSS if you don't want people to point out how it can be so much better.

I feel Petal should apologise to Amber.

I feel so sorry for your dss :-(