DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

whattodothistime - the lack of good grades will certainly preclude you from entering a RG uni. The lack of a weekend job does not preclude you from entering a RG uni.

allnewtaketwo - the PS has field entirely for grades acheived and predicted. You can't not put your grades.

Who said it was a choice between good grades or not staying at dads house Tuesday to Thursday

But if grades is all you have and your peers have more, you are much less likely to succeed, unless it's some easy mickeymouse course with little competition

Most admissions tutors want to hear about the applicant's suitability for their subject. He can still talk about what he learnt from his weekend job (if it's relevant) even if he gives it up. He should be shadowing people who are doing jobs in the subject he wants to study. Petal and his dad should be helping him.

universities do not go soley on grades and a good personal statement will lead to a lower offer, even from the best unis.

He wants to do maths and economics, there are literally hundreds of jobs following that sort of course. Are you suggesting OP should narrow his horizons by choosing one of those for him?

whattodothistime - a good personal statement does not lead to a lower offer from a RG uni for a competitive course. it might get you selected for interview or shortlisted or even make you stand out to he point that they make you an offer. But only if you have the grades. RG universities are necessarily transparent about their minimum grades now.

Your advice differs from that of the Head of 6th DC is starting, minimum grade requirements are often set at less than what they will ask for if there are not additional factors.

Just been thinking. If his idea of mid week access means that a lot of hours are spent being ferried around in the car, this will detract from his study time, not facilitate it.

I feel sorry for him. :(

This seems to have degenerated into the eternal debate - should a 6th form student have a part time job

Just to return to petals dilemma for a moment - why does the Children's Act remove court authority to order on issues relating to residency and contact once a child is 16?

I'm just beyond shocked that anyone can say that a child's entitlement to a relationship with their parent ends when they turn 18.

There isn't much movement on grade requirements at the moment, actually, and not for anything that isn't all that special. A part-time job is not that unusual and will not generate a flurry of lower grade offers. What helps you get the university place you want more than anything is good grades. Don't forget the Govt are encouraging universities to take more students with AAB and above and offering incentives for this. There is far less incentive in the current climate to make lower grade offers.

SDT you are being deliberately obtuse now. No one has said anything about his relationship with his father ending. Get a grip and stick to the actual points being made rather than making your own story up

allnew that was to me.

I have said that I do not believe that an adult child's relationship with their parent is a right.

If a court ordered contact until a child turned 16, there is little the RP can do if the child doesn't want to see the NRP. Its how controlling ex partners keep their claws in. At 16 the child can refuse to see the parent again, and no court can force them.

So contact isn't a 'right' when you look at it that way. Legally NADM is correct.

NotaDisneyMum said:

"Legally, he is an adult - therefore his relationship with a parent is not an entitlement or right."

Hence my being shocked that anyone could believe that a child's entitlement to a relationship with their parent ends when they turn 18. I did not say that anyone had said that a child's relationship with a parent ends when they turn 18.

I wonder if allnew is going to apologise for accusing me of making my own story up?

I don't think i have an "entitlement" to a relationship with my parents

STD do grow up

Is it really necessary to split hairs? Obviously NaDSM was talking about legal entitlement, and I believe she is right. SDT is reading it as moral entitlement...

Some of the fights here seem to have everything to do with people digging their heels in and being determined to believe the worst of others, and nothing to do with the specific situation of Petal and her DSS.

actually, regardless of court orders, it is very ahrd to enforce them once a child hits 13.

Allnew - that is very sad, and I certainly hope that my children never come to believe that they have no entitlement to a relationship with me.

And don't worry - I honestly didn't expect you to apologise for throwing unfounded accusations around, dear.

petals. I asked before buti think my questions been lost in the millions of posts. I wanted to know if it would help if DH took DSS to the town and not right to the college. Would this help at all.