DSS is now 18 - surely things must change ......... ?

[Petal02]

So DSS has now celebrated (he didn?t have a party, he just wanted to go out for a meal with DH and I) his 18th birthday and starts back at 6th Form College (for his second year of A levels) next week. I?d like some honest opinions, especially from those of you who know the background details.

We?ve been operating flexible-ish visiting for the last few months, with some minor resistance from DSS, and on the whole it?s worked OK. DSS now works on Saturday and Sunday afternoons, just round the corner from where he lives with his mother. DH had (unsuccessfully) tried to ferry DSS to/from his workplace during his alternate weekend stays with us, but given the distances involved, it just meant DH spending Saturday and Sunday on the road, whereas if DSS had been based at his mothers, it?s literally a two minute walk. So DH has had to concede that it?s impractical to keep DSS with us beyond Saturday lunch time on access weekends.

DSS is very keen that he still has the same amount of time with his Dad, even though DH works Monday-Friday and DSS works Saturday and Sunday. Even DH had reluctantly agreed this is impractical. However as access weekends used to run from Thursday 4pm til Sunday 6pm, and now they?re shorter because they finish at lunch time on Saturday (before DSS starts his afternoon shift),DSS wants to shift his visits so that they run from Tuesday 4pm til Saturday lunch time. I understand that he?s losing two weekend days with his Dad, as he?s now working, and wants two extra week nights to compensate.

But having an ?access weekend? that starts on Tuesday (!!!!!!!) even though it finishes on Saturday lunch time, seems ridiculous for an adult. And that?s what DSS is now, he?s an adult. It surely can?t be realistic to maintain the same amount of contact hours that he had when he was 11, not when he?s working at weekends, and it?s logistically very difficult for DH to bring him over to us on a Tuesday night, because that means he needs lifts to/from college on Weds/Thurs/Fri which impacts greatly on DH?s work. Not to mention that DH and I often do stuff on weeknights. Should we stop these things because DH has an adult son?

In my opinion, things surely have to change ???. I don?t see why (although tell me if I?m wrong) DSS can?t be OK with Thursday 4pm-Sat lunch time? Yes, it?s less time with his Dad but he?s 18 now. Of course they still want to see each other, but I?m amazed that an 18 yr old wants so much rostered time with a parent. I?m also worried that DSS may cease his weekend job if he can?t maintain the same amount of contact with DH.

DH hasn't given DSS an answer on his Tuesday-Saturday request yet. I want to talk to DH about it tonight or tomorrow. But before I do, I?d like some opinions from fellow SMs. I don?t want to spend four consecutive weekend nights hanging out with DH?s adult son, just so that ? x? amount of weekly hours can be achieved. I think it?s all insane but I suspect I?m too close to the situation to see it clearly.

Freda, are you serious that we tell him not to work any more, and then pay him for not working?????? God, no wonder we have a work-shy younger generation (not all of them, but a good few).

Umm Couthy, maybe it was the mum that moved away? Or maybe the dad that moved into Petal02's house, or maybe it's all they could afford, or maybe the council house them there and now they can't move (I know you know what that is like). I don't know, but it's rather unfair to assume it's all Petals fault.

The access arrangements were put in place 7 years ago, it's not unreasonable to think that things may have changed somewhat in 7 years.

When the DSS took the weekend job it changed things. It is right and a very GOOD thing that he got a weekend job, but it has impacted on the contact arrangements. They now need to be looked at, sensibly and not rigidly counted in hours which is what the DSS is trying to do.

Lol, can I give up my wage and stay at my parents and they can pay me instead?

Is he worried that if he gives up some of the rigidly-counted hours, it will be the thin end of the wedge that will end up with him spending little or no time at his dad's - if so, that might be why he is clinging to everything he's entitled to.

Whattodothistime - DSS would have to get a bus from our village, go into town, and then catch another bus into the next town to attend college. The service from our village is infrequent, it would take DSS a very long time, and he's never been prepared to try it. He prefers to be chauffeured.

Petal - how much does he earn for Sat and Sun afternoons? Probably not much at all. His A levels are the most important thing for him right now.

that might be why he is clinging to everything he's entitled to.

Legally, he is an adult - therefore his relationship with a parent is not an entitlement or right.

petal. So would it help at all if DH gave DSS a lift to the town rather than the whole way to college.

And actually Petal, having a few aspirations gets you much farther than washing up in a restaurant, or whatever it is he does. He doesn't need to do that. You and his dad should be telling him to concentrate on his exams.

Petal - how much does he earn for Sat and Sun afternoons? Probably not much at all. His A levels are the most important thing for him right now.

Ah, so it's the P/T job you disapprove of!

Rather irresponsible of his mother to allow him to take the job, near her home, in the first place really, wasn't it?

I doubt he earns much Freda, but he needs the life experience quite badly. And without it, he'll have absolutely nothing to put on his university personal statement, other than playing X-Box. Plenty of young adults manage to participate in extra curricular things, and still pass their A levels. I spent my teenage years playing Spandau Ballet records with the girls from school, playing tennis for the county, baby sitting, and I still got three good grade A levels.

But would you be still be saying he should give up his job if he was living in one home with mum and dad?

My ex husband used to be out of the house 14 hours a day, six days a week, with only bank holidays off. I'm sure he's not the only father who works those sort of hours. How much contact would my ds have been having with his son then?

People live in all sort of situations and people have to make all sorts of compromises with regards to time and money.

Why is it only step children that seem to not have to make those compromises?

The part time job would be OK if he could keep his contact arrangement with his father. But as the week thing won't work, the job is the obvious thing to budge as Petalinbumsquash sure isn't going to.

The part time job would be OK if he could keep his contact arrangement with his father. But as the week thing won't work, the job is the obvious thing to budge

Yes it is, and DSS is old enough to choose which he wants more, the job, experience and money that comes with it, or time with his Dad.

You are suggesting that Petal and her DP pay him to choose his Dad rather than the job - a pretty desperate thing to suggest to be honest.

Did none of you read the paragraph at the end of my post that said 'UNLESS the mother moved away"...?

As the mother is the one that moved away, then she should get off her arse and do the pick ups and drop offs as SHE decided to move away from her DS's other home. If she won't, then the DSS needs to have it gently explained to him that as his mother chose to move away from where you and his dad lives, she has made it difficult logistically for his dad for the last X years, which he has done his best to do no matter how hard it is, because he lives him and wants to spend time with him, but maybe it would be easier now if he could drive, as he would have more access to his other home, given the lack of public transport.

I would imagine, though, that a lot of the reason he was reluctant to take a weekend job was precisely BECAUSE he had thought about the logistics and realised that he would see a lot less of his dad!

DSD had no clue about money, saving, the cost of living etc until she got her Saturday job. It was quite a big turning point for us (some posters will remember my ranting thread about the 42 inch flatscreen!) and taught her the value of things.

God she was bloody awful at times, just as I imagine DD will be (arent they all) but luckily in my case our turning point came at 14/15. Petals DSS is a late starter but hopefully something good will come of this.

Fingers crossed for you Petal let's hope DH holds to this, and they both learn from the experience.

Petal - Hmm. He will have excellent grades to put on his personal statement and I think you'll find those will stand him in better stead than a few hours in Beale's Caff.

Whattodothistime - DSS would have to get a bus from our village, go into town, and then catch another bus into the next town to attend college. The service from our village is infrequent, it would take DSS a very long time, and he's never been prepared to try it. He prefers to be chauffeured.

I had a feeling he would prefer to be chauffeured, as a compromise, I would offer a lift to town and an monthly bus pass, with a flexible contact arrangement so he can come and go as he pleases, with you/DH collecting him from town when you can get there, so he does a bit of shopping etc, if DSS doesnt want to do that and is all about being chaufffered, at least you know you have offered.

Notadisneymum - do you honestly think that children have no right to a relationship with their parents once they turn 18? That sounds utterly heartless and cold.

My ds1 is 19, and has as much right and entitlement to my love and time as he did when he was born.

DSS needs to have it gently explained to him that as his mother chose to move away from where you and his dad lives, she has made it difficult logistically for his dad for the last X years, which he has done his best to do no matter how hard it is, because he lives him and wants to spend time with him, but maybe it would be easier now if he could drive, as he would have more access to his other home, given the lack of public transport.

and that is exactly what petal has been doing for years - but nothing has changed and she's been venting about it here, only to be told she is a WSM.

Even the most thick skinned SM needs some support some times and it seems that it is in short supply today

And I disagree, it may be easy to get into any old uni, or on any old course, but as a rule you need more than just A Levels to get on a good course in a decent uni these days.

All the 16 year olds I know are desperate to get things for additional info for their personal statements.

Freda, so you're suggesting that DSS should take have taken a job that fits into the access rota????? Even if such a job existed, isn't that a totally insane suggestion? What if DSS had joined the forces straight from school, like his dad - should he only accept postings or detachments that are rota compliant?????

Couthy, I think it was the 5 paragraphs slating Petal vs 5 words against the mother .

I will quantify that with the fact that I will be living in a town I fucking HATE for another 17 years at least, in order to make it easier for my DS1 to have a relationship with his dad, and for DS2 and DS3 to have a relationship with their dad. I will not leave this town until either both of their fathers leave, or until my DC's have moved out, are living independently and are able to drive, as I can't. I would live somewhere with good public transport links to my old town too, so as to make it easier for me to go and see my DC's when they are older.

Why the hell did she move away like that? I certainly don't have any sympathy for the mother in this situation, and maybe his Mother's attitude is why he wants to spend most of the weeknights at his dad's, and work the weekend.

A personal statement is not the place on the application to talk about grades. It's the place to sell yourself, as a person, to make yourself stand put above all the others, who may well have the same grades as yourself or better.