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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

dh's ex expecting me to pay for dscs

59 replies

ma4pie · 08/08/2012 07:55

I'll try to cut a long story as short as possible. I've been with dh for 4 years and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship. He used to work part time for very little pay and used to manage to give his ex money by not paying any household bills. When we met I took charge of his finances (as you might have guessed he is rubbish with money) - this included paying thousands to get bills up to date and ensure his kids kept a roof over their heads when they stayed. For the last 4 years I have also supplemented his income so that he could pay maintenance for his kids.

I didn't have any kids and we agreed to have a child. Before you say anything I always was, and still am, solely financially responsible for the child we have together as I understood and accepted his financial situation. Since our child was born my dh has lost his job. He is not eligible for JSA or any financial assistance from the state. Before we realised this I borrowed money from family to cover his maintenance whilst I was on maternity. Once we found out that he would receive no money whatsoever he had to tell his ex that he could no longer give her any money. The s* hit the fan. According to his ex I am now responsible for her kids.

I don't earn a great deal myself - enough to mean we can't get any help but not enough to have any disposable income. My wage now supports 2 adults and one child full time. We also have debts - some of which are due to enabling him to support his kids in the past- and I am in the process of signing an IVA. We have cut back as far as we can - supermarket own brands etc - so we can put some money aside for his kids' birthdays which are coming up soon. His ex has now said that we (so she means I) am responsible for paying his maintenance and buying their school uniforms - including designer shoes. This is financially impossible for me.

Her stand is that I should contribute (I totally agree in principal which is why I have been for the past 4 years) to financially supporting her kids (even though I am getting no financial support for my child) and that my dh should ask me because she should not have to ask her dh (who earns 3 times more than I do). I go to work in clothes that are years old (usually with holes stitched up) and have had to take in my maternity clothes as I can't afford new ones but I am responsible for buying the dscs designer shoes as £45 a pair? What is the legality of this? - obviously she is threatening court action if I don't cough up. I am also really hurt by her stand that it's about time I started to contribute - the last 4 years have obviously been a figment of my imagination.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 08/08/2012 08:03

Let her take you to court.

I doubt she'll be happy with the outcome.

Gumby · 08/08/2012 08:05

Why can't her dh pay?

Thumbwitch · 08/08/2012 08:06

Yep - go to court. I won't say what I think about her because no doubt there are all sorts of backstory reasons but safe to say I hope she gets what she deserves.

AnitaBlake · 08/08/2012 08:08

The court won't entertain applications for maintenance. That is the charge of the CSA. The CSA will look at your partners income ONLY and assess his ability to pay, based on his circumstances. There is a calculator in their website. They will then make him, not you pay this amount. I know of a few instances where a zero award has been made.

Partypartyrings · 08/08/2012 08:08

I suppose as you're married, all of your expenses, including maintenance are shared. However, it is ridiculous to expect you to pay as much as you were paying before on a severely reduced income.

Work out what CSA would make you pay (20% of earnings? Not sure) and pay that. Reassess once your husband is employed again.

As for the designer shoes- just say no. Maybe offer to make a small contribution, whatever you can afford as a goodwill gesture.

vodkaanddietirnbru · 08/08/2012 08:09

I really very much doubt that you have any legal obligation to fund children that do not belong to you. Let her take you to court.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 08/08/2012 08:09

She isn't entitled to any of your money, if she were struggling and you could afford it I'd say that it would be great if you could still pay the maintenance but she has no rights over your money.

My XH lost his job and didn't pay maintenance for over a year I wouldn't have expected his fiancée to pay for my kids (although my DH has to but it's a different set up really) they only see them every other weekend and I was more interested in them keeping their house as a stable place for the kids to go to for access

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 08/08/2012 08:09

Tell her to fuck off and when she gets back she can fuck off again, repeat as required, hope this helps

lisad123 · 08/08/2012 08:10

Tell her to take you to court, she won't get a penny. What's likelyhood of dh finding job quickly? Also why does he not get JSA?
They are not your kids to pay for BUT you two are a couple and therefore s are yours not his and mine. He should be helping towards your child too.

AThingInYourLife · 08/08/2012 08:11

"I suppose as you're married, all of your expenses, including maintenance are shared. "

No, maintenance is not a shared expense.

HesterBurnitall · 08/08/2012 08:12

You shouldn't have to, but your DH should be doing everything he can to get into a position where he can. Seeing it as DH giving her money is not going to help, acknowledging that it's him supporting, in part, his children makes it more apparent that he needs to sort something out.

It's not up to you to pay, it's not up to her DH to subsidies them, it's up to your DH to find a way to meet his obligations to his children, from both families.

vodkaanddietirnbru · 08/08/2012 08:12

why will he not get any JSA? Is he looking for another job?

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 08/08/2012 08:12

NO NO NO, his liability for child support is based on his income NOT yours, he should pay NOTHING until he is working again.

tribpot · 08/08/2012 08:13

Completely bewildered by this. Why are you more responsible for your step-children than their other step-parent?

EdithWeston · 08/08/2012 08:16

Double check the JSA position.

Provided he is job hunting (which I assume he must be in such circumstances), you can get up to 6 months based on his NI contributions record. That won't make a huge difference, but it will help a bit.

Was CSA involved in settling earlier maintenance level? I'm assuming not, or you would have mentioned it. Perhaps a route to try now? Put them in the position of arbiter, and end/reduce the going and froing between DH and his XW.

Gigondas · 08/08/2012 08:17

Also if CSa involved isn't allowance made for costs of your youngest child when assessing contribution to dsc.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 08/08/2012 08:18

Always a good idea to go to your local CAB to get a benefits check, he may not be eligible for contributions based JSA but they could check that tax credits you may be getting are correct.

BikeRaceRunningRaceNoSkiing · 08/08/2012 08:21

She is BU, let her sue you. My father's first wife was similar. Dad got too ill to work (Parkinson's) and mum was going three jobs to keep up his maintenance payments on the two children of his first marriage who were 1- privately educated 2- she refused access to 3- over 16. Meanwhile, DSis and I went to state school in hand me downs.

MikeLitorisRings · 08/08/2012 08:21

Tell her to sod off. (Politely of course)

She doesn't have a leg to stand on with regards to court or csa.

I am in this same situation with my ex. He only works part time and pays a pittance for our DC. I wouldn't dream of asking his wife to chip in with uniforms.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/08/2012 08:23

I have a feckless ex who wouldn't pay maintenance for our children if he could get away with it. I expect him to pay towards our childrens maintenance but I would never ever expect a partner of his to foot the child support bill, not ever.

The fact you've been paying it till now is very kind of you.

Let her take you to court, but also take CAB advice just to make sure you know where you stand. I can't see a court demanding you pay for your husbands children.

And sorry but in future put yourself and your chuld first, don't give more than you can afford to support your husbands children, if at all they're his and the mothers responsibility. Why on earth are you wearing patched up clothes when they can afford a better lifestyle than you anyway?

3duracellbunnies · 08/08/2012 08:29

Maybe he is a SAHD unless he finds a good alternative job. If OP earns more than he does, and his likely earnings from a random job won't cover childcare for his baby then they would be in a worse financial state and even less able to contribute.

AhoySailor · 08/08/2012 08:31

Tell her where to go and if she wants to take you to court, let her.

It is NOT your responsibility to pay for the step-children ... providing for your own child yes, but not your dh's/his ex-wife's children

MadamGazelleIsMyMum · 08/08/2012 08:44

I have sympathy for you, my DH's ex thinks that my salary should be used to increase maintenance payments, but you are not financially obligated to provide for your DH's children with his ex. Morally, whether you choose to contribute is up to you.

In this situation, where we had our DC and DH sought to drop the private payments he was making because he could no longer afford to maintain the hefty amount he had agreed to before he started working part time, and his ex decided that I could just make up the shortfall, DH himself applied to the CSA for an assessment.

His ex went ballistic, but the assessment was based on his income only, and she has had to accept this. She is not entitled to any part of your income.

babesdontlie · 08/08/2012 08:53

Yep, tell her to go to court.

I had exactly the same comment from my other halfs ex when we were in your position and I made it plain I was not responsible and would not be paying.

ElenorRigby · 08/08/2012 09:05

LOL let her go to court or even suggest she goes to the CSA and smile when you do it! The stupid bitch will get sweet FA!

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