dh's ex expecting me to pay for dscs

[ma4pie]

I'll try to cut a long story as short as possible. I've been with dh for 4 years and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship. He used to work part time for very little pay and used to manage to give his ex money by not paying any household bills. When we met I took charge of his finances (as you might have guessed he is rubbish with money) - this included paying thousands to get bills up to date and ensure his kids kept a roof over their heads when they stayed. For the last 4 years I have also supplemented his income so that he could pay maintenance for his kids.

I didn't have any kids and we agreed to have a child. Before you say anything I always was, and still am, solely financially responsible for the child we have together as I understood and accepted his financial situation. Since our child was born my dh has lost his job. He is not eligible for JSA or any financial assistance from the state. Before we realised this I borrowed money from family to cover his maintenance whilst I was on maternity. Once we found out that he would receive no money whatsoever he had to tell his ex that he could no longer give her any money. The s* hit the fan. According to his ex I am now responsible for her kids.

I don't earn a great deal myself - enough to mean we can't get any help but not enough to have any disposable income. My wage now supports 2 adults and one child full time. We also have debts - some of which are due to enabling him to support his kids in the past- and I am in the process of signing an IVA. We have cut back as far as we can - supermarket own brands etc - so we can put some money aside for his kids' birthdays which are coming up soon. His ex has now said that we (so she means I) am responsible for paying his maintenance and buying their school uniforms - including designer shoes. This is financially impossible for me.

Her stand is that I should contribute (I totally agree in principal which is why I have been for the past 4 years) to financially supporting her kids (even though I am getting no financial support for my child) and that my dh should ask me because she should not have to ask her dh (who earns 3 times more than I do). I go to work in clothes that are years old (usually with holes stitched up) and have had to take in my maternity clothes as I can't afford new ones but I am responsible for buying the dscs designer shoes as £45 a pair? What is the legality of this? - obviously she is threatening court action if I don't cough up. I am also really hurt by her stand that it's about time I started to contribute - the last 4 years have obviously been a figment of my imagination.

Tell her to go to court/csa then stand back and laugh.

Im another one whose husbands ex expected me to support her child, her words were "she should support you and our dc1 and her dc1 while you support me and our dc2" Ie I should pay for me, dh, my dc and her dc who lived with us and he should give her all his pay (less than mine).

Oh how I laughed when the CSA told her to pay us.

you are not financially responsible for her child. Legally or morally.

however. your husband is.

Hopefully he will be successful in finding full time work soon and will be able to contribute to providing for all his children. How's his job hunt going?

No you are not legally required to pay any maintenance.

However as PP said, your husband needs to pull out all the stops and take literally any work he can get. If you as a family make the decision for him to be a SAHD then tbh I think family income should cover child maintenance, although obviously this cannot be legally enforced.

You need to go to the csa and they will sort it out for you.

Im not sure i agree about it only being his income. If u are married you have joint finances so i think the csa should take that into consideration.

My ex left his job to stop paying maintenance. His wife continued to work. Why should my child go without when his kids with his new wife get the best of everything.

I said on another thread yesterday that DP and I are in the same position - DP has been unemployed for over 6 months to JSA has stopped, and my minimal income, coupled with Tax Credits, is not enough to pay the minimum each month (debt is mounting ) I feel dreadfully guilty that we are not financially contributing to the DCs lives with their mum, although of course I pay for things when they're with DP and I.

While I understand the expectation from some that DP gets a job, any job, ASAP in order to start paying towards his DCs again - the reality isn't quite that simple.

The amount DP could earn on minimum wage is less than the tax credits/benefits we get now - so we'd be worse off, and would be in real danger of losing the house.
That would mean that the DSCs contact with their Dad would drop significantly - currently they do 2 overnights a week.

I don't know what the answer is tbh - the DSC have a much higher standard of living with their mum than with us; although she has made it clear to them that she has no money, they still attend numerous classes/activities, have holidays etc. I realise that their standard of living has dropped from what it was - but then it would have done if DP and his ex were still together and he had been made redundant.

I mean pay minimum household expenses - we are getting into debt paying the bills each month before maintenance

YANBU. But your husband is. He should be supporting his kids (and that includes the one he has with you). I feel sorry for his ex and the children. Its not like his ex can just walk away and say 'sorry i've got no money you will have to starve' to her kids is it? There must be a reason he is not entitled to assistance from the state too.

gumdrops the reason the OPs household doesn't get 'assistance from the state' is because of her income - they are assessed for benefits as a couple, even though they have differing financial responsibilities in terms of DCs.

But surely if that were the case, then all men would become SAHDs whilst their partners worked in order to not have to pay any maintenance?
Doesn't it go on household income?

I don't think not having designer shoes is exactly starving though is it?

No, it doesn't.

Haha re feckless non paying dads - dhs ex never paid a penny - she never bought dc who lived with us anything except bday and Christmas and I can count on fingers of hands how many times in 8 years she fed her. She was punishing her for living with dad.

Despite this - when dsd Ended 6th form - she slapped us win a claim for other dc (40% of time with us) - we were in debt up to our eyeballs - from trying to keep all kids and not taking maint from her.

CSA kindly informed us that the £4.5k of arrears didn't apply as we had never issued enforcement.

The ops husband has no job. That's that exactl as it would be if he was still with his ex - why is op more liable than the exes husband?

Let her go to court, you will most definitely not be made to pay for her kids.
You have gone above and beyond to be honest in the last few years.

"But surely if that were the case, then all men would become SAHDs whilst their partners worked in order to not have to pay any maintenance?"

I d

But surely if that were the case, then all men would become SAHDs whilst their partners worked in order to not have to pay any maintenance?

Not all NRfathers are maintenance dodging creeps.

The OP has not said at any point that her DP gave up work to become and SAHD to avoid paying maintenance. She told us that he lost his job. A different matter altogether, further more they are suffering financial hardship and she is doing everything she can to support all his children which is far more than she is legally obliged to do.

"But surely if that were the case, then all men would become SAHDs whilst their partners worked in order to not have to pay any maintenance?"

I don't think "all men" are such nasty irresponsible fuckers that they would give up work just to avoid paying for their children.

Some are though, and this is exactly what they do.

It is interesting, as Nota points out that a couple are assessed jointly for benefits, separately for maintenance.

It creates some obvious loopholes to be exploited by the unscrupulous.

Yes. most men are decent human beings who understand and WANT to pay their fair share towards the human beings they are 50% responsible for creating. i don't think it's fair to say that every single man would avoid paying for his children if he could.

It's only the worthless sacks of crap who avoid working, work cash in hand, quit jobs, disappear... and seem to think that their children can live on fresh air.

I worked & my exH got JSA so i dont understand why OPs dh isnt entitled to any benefits.

There are two forms of JSA - one is based on household income, so if a partner/spouse works, then it is rarely awarded.
The other is six months worth of what is called 'contribution based' CSA that is paid regardless of household income but only if the job seeker has been paying National Insurance contributions at the correct rate for the previous 12 months.
Self employed NI contributions and lower rate ones don't count- so it's not unusual for a job seeker to receive no JSA at all!

There is no legal obligation for YOU to pay her anything.

Although most of us suck it up in incidentals like better holidays for the DSC or the odd meal out DH couldn't otherwise afford but for shared incomes with a new partner.

Moreover, the share that your DH pays her is REDUCED as you now have a child together. For two kids 20% of DH net income. Now 20% of net income (the net income is reduced by 15% for the new baby before the 20% gets taken off).

My God, you have been good to her though, bless you.

Reading up, yes pig headed ExHs can and do voluntarily (not like your's OP) remove themselves from work so at not to pay maintenence. It is happeneing to good friends of ours.

NADM - when I started work 3 days a week DP couldnt claim any JSA, and now when DP goes back to work after being of sick in a few weeks time i'll haev to sign off despite paying NI contributions. We was told on both occasions that it goes on household income no matter which one you claim.

Agree with the others let her go to CSA as it will go on his income and she wont get anything.

DP's ex tried to use my income when DP was made redundant but was told where to go.. she even tried it in court when he took her there for contact after she re-married and decided their DD only needed one dad

Oh and I have always (since getting together with DP) either helped him with his maintenance payments when his outgoings were more than incomings, or bought things for DSD for when she is with us.