Problems!

[JabberJay]

So, long story short- my DP has a 4 yr old son. We all live together with my dd and we have DSS 3/4 nights a week every week. For the past year they've been using a sort of diary/special forms (recommended by solicitors) to communicate about DSS. This gets handed over with DSS's things each time he goes between our homes.

Anyway. DP found out that Ex didn't take DSS to an important school meeting, (didn't tell anyone or inform the school either, we found out by chance and DP took him at a later date) she also didn't pay her half of the childminders fees again this month and the Childminder refused DSS until it was paid- meaning the Childminder emailed us she couldn't accept him on the day he was due to go whilst with us last week, which caused lots of hassle, she had blagged the late payment for the days DSS was with her knowing full well he wouldn't be able to attend whilst with us the next few days and didn't even let DP know! We also found out she's been putting DSS (nearly 5) in nappies from DSS and a family member. We have absolutely no idea as to why as he's been dry for absolutely ages.

So, DP listed his concerns and asked for her reasons why etc. She has replied stating she no longer wants to use the diary for communications as she feels she is happy with how DSS is looked after by DP and therefore DP shouldn't question her. She has said she will only communicate via text message. (Im unsure what difference that makes compared to a written entry in the diary once or twice a week). This is not possible as she has previously made continual harrassing and abusive calls and abusive text messages which police were involved in, she was warned and told not to contact him via telephone. She has also said he doesn't want/need telephone calls during the week from DSS, doesn't want a daily account of what he's been doing, new things he's done, a new food he's tried etc.
DP tries to give her lots of info to provide continuity for DSS and because he hates being apart from his son and loves hewing about things he's done etc when he's with EX as he feels like the missing days aren't so missing if that makes sense. She just doesn't want to know :( and refuses to let DP know what he's been upto on the 3/4 days he's with her. So we drop him off and hear nothing whilst or after he's dropped back. Just seems so odd to me.

The other thing is that she has got a new Childminder just for the days DSS is with her, and got a new full
time job. DP has asked for the Ofsted number of the Childminder and to be informed how many hours a week DSS attends. Ex refuses to give this information. DP doesn't want to interfere but believes that he has a right to know about childcare settings etc and check they are registered.

So, my question is- is DP entitled to know about childcare settings she uses? (Both have shared residency, 50/50, DP has parental responsibility too. Also, any ideas of what DP can do to have written communication continued? Things are gradually getting worse and causing problems and she has also said she will no longer email him their usual weekly email either. DP has been advised by CAFCASS (he called them) that shared residency usually only works when the parents communicate effectively and a court would take a dim view of a parent who has shared residency that refuses to encourage contact with the other parent whilst a young child is with them and doesn't want to know about of give information about what theyved been doing etc. Any experiences or advice for DP
he feels like se is trying to cut him out of half of his sons life whilst he does everything he can to keep her informed and provide a continuous stable life for DSS

JJ

Have you posted about this before?

I don't see why your DP needs to know every detail about his child's life - I'd be very fed up if I was the child's mother.

If you know the childminders name you can get her reg details from the council, or she may be registered on childcare.co.uk. I'm a child minder and my policy is that only the person that registered the child with me and the names she lists can get any of my info on the child directly from me anyway, who she chooses to share it with that's up to her. It may seem odd in your position but the policy is there to protect the children.
I think you are within your rights however to find out if she is properly registered. I would be concerned giving what youve said that she is claiming childcare element of tax credits still on old CM's number but using a friend who is unregistered, so I would get CM to call tax credits and inform them that she is no longer getting contracted hours from exp so that she cant use old cms number on her claim.

He is getting to the age where he can communicate so you will find out from the child. Think a diary works well as babies but is unnecessary as they get older. As to childcare, given that she doesn't pay you might be better sorting out your own arrangements anyway.

Disagree with Mrsrantalot - none of your business if she is claiming tax credits (whether it is correct or incorrect info that she is using) or even if they're registered or not.

I think this has been discussed before OP. And I again wonder why you are posting this in lone parents, not being the lone parent in this situation, with your OH having the issue, not you.

Perspective - I thought so too and I agree that this is a strange choice of section.

I think the requests for so much information is intrusive and not needed

Let his ex wife have a life, ask your DSS to keep a diary to share with you, trust her to have made sure she has the brains to have a registered childminder. Lots of kids go to boarding schools, the teachers would go crazy if they had to do all that

Are both the parents getting access on their days of from work? If she works mon-fri it would be difficult to get time off for appointments/unfair if she has to work when she has him?

I've reported the thread, just to give MNHQ a 'heads up' that we are going over old ground yet again. I think it's in everyone's interests not to recreate what's gone before! And that posts should go in the most appropriate section too.

so redhelen, you quite happy to pay for all the fraudsters out there from your own pocket then?

Oh there's been a lot of step mum posts lately, there must be some kind of glitch on thread titles.

msrant: You;re factually incorrect. Unless there is a court order to the contrary then you are obligated to service any request from a parent with PR at least about info about a child in your care. You are a 3rd party and neither you or the RP can keep that info from the NRP - in the same way a doctor/dentist/school must do like wise...

As usuaul , CAFCASS are talking out of their arse - it is not necessary for the parents to get on for there to be a SRO - otherwise the RP at the time of the application will always block an SRO on that basis. It's one way to send to the parents a message that they are equal parents regardless of time, gender.

Perspective; She's his proxy, give her break!

Anti-OW brigade are out in force - nothing like thinking of the kids.

I was being sarcastic, I think lone parents is being purposely targetted and there are joke threads in step parenting laughing about winding up the lone parent posters.

actually redhelen i was looking at it from the CMs point of view being one myself. If someone takes their child out of a service that the person has worked had to build up and pays an unregistered person money she is claiming off the other persons ticket they have every right to report them. If this is the case of course if not then theres nothing to worry about is there?

3x if they prroduced documentation then thats fine, i meant if they just phoned and asked

cookedchips, this situation isn't what you think it is. It's been done to death in a few previous (now deleted) threads. This won't go well, and the fact that the OP has been told before not to post about her OH's situation in Lone Parents, and now, yet again, she's back with more of her and her OH's issues about his lone parent ex just suggests that maybe, just maybe, the OP isn't really that interested in help or support at all.

Just sayin.

Bit sad really.

I think it's best to report and post that this is in the wrong place rather than get dragged into it.

Hi, we've moved this into Step-Parenting. Thanks.

I was being sarcastic, I think lone parents is being purposely targetted and there are joke threads in step parenting laughing about winding up the lone parent posters.

WHERE? naturalnatures and other LPs, as a regualar on the SP board, I am pretty sure that this is not true. The OP has been asked before why she posts on LP but if anything, it is because she has not been happy with the answers she has been given on the step-parenting board. Believe me, some of the step-parents have the same questions you do.

I have been a Lone Parent as well as a Stepmother. I have no interest in 'winding up' any lone parents. :)

and yeah, what perspective said.

naturalnatures if thats what you think happens, then I politely suggest that you are more than a little paranoid, step parents have enough issues of their own, and a rather significant proportion of them have been single parents and understand just how tough it is for LPs.

Oh my goodness- I do apologise, this was supposed to go into Step parenting not lone parents, thanks MNHQ for moving it.

Actually, the reason it went in lone parents is because I was looking on here to see if anyone has similar situation. My questions is about a pair of separated parents and their difficulties in communcating about their son, not really about me (the step parent) or a step parent problem at all. So I was trying to decide whether to place
it in lone parents or step parents. Surely each doesn't have to stick to their "home ground" Im sure many lone parents hae experience
of this situation too- a quick look through threads there shows many similar problems and great advice.

Anyway, will read your replies now...

Op this agreement you want is ridiculous - you do what you do when you have Dss and she will do what she does.

You have no need at all for the level of communication - new foods he's tried - give me a break.

Just start getting on with your lives with DSS and let her get on with hers.

My experience is the courts are so overloaded they don't actually have time for all this he said she said crap and it will mean nothing.

I've read quite a few of your threads and if you and your oh continue down this road she is going to start reducing contact - and it would take years to get it back.

You need to leave the poor woman alone - I'm all for fathers rights but you 2 are taking the proverbial.

Sighing again- you've read quite a few of my very few threads?

It's not taking the proverbial to want to know where your dc is, is it? My Ex wouldn't dream of booking a new Childminder then refusing me their details, but then my ex doesn't give me any reason to believe he would use an unreg Childminder etc.

Is it controlling to just want to give/receive a few bits of to the other parent? I mean things like "X has been biting his nails again, trying to encourge him not to" or "X tried pomegranate and now loves it" "X had his first trip to the XYZ" " this week X has become obsessed with XYZ" " X has been being cheeky and not wanting to do XYZ" etc. Things my ex and I do via telephone and something I though most separated parents would want to do.

Hi JJ -thought you'd be posting again today -Does your DP work weekends?

You've already been given so much advice about this; none of which your DP (or you) will accept, and no matter how many times you canvass for a different opinion, you'll always be in the minority

Your DPs ex has done what I would do, and what I have done in the past when my ex became impossible to deal with - cut communication, but allow contact and shared care via parallel parenting to continue. It works - my ex gets in a flap, wondering what I'm doing, and the facade of 'parent of the year' begins to slip as he reveals that he doesn't want to give me the same level of autonomy when DD is in my care as he is demanding I give him. He doesn't want to parallel parent anymore than your DP does - he wants it all his own way.

Hopefully, your DPs ex got decent legal advice and has been told to wait for the two of you to hang yourselves - everything you do or say from now on will probably be used to support her case for residency.

My advice for you and your DP this week is to keep up what you've both been doing for a little bit longer - and soon your DSC (is it one or two boys, btw?) will have a stable life enforced by a court order and they'll be safe from the point scoring, fantasy lives and manipulation that they have been caught up in for so long

brd step parents are great, just some people like to use the step/lone parent in a guise.

sighing yes, yes, I am deeply, deeply paranoid and have my tin foil hat appropriately adjusted thankyou for the compliment

jj I hope you find the answers you are looking for, post away lots of sp's and lp's post in step parenting so there's a broad array of perspectives here.