Problems!

[JabberJay]

So, long story short- my DP has a 4 yr old son. We all live together with my dd and we have DSS 3/4 nights a week every week. For the past year they've been using a sort of diary/special forms (recommended by solicitors) to communicate about DSS. This gets handed over with DSS's things each time he goes between our homes.

Anyway. DP found out that Ex didn't take DSS to an important school meeting, (didn't tell anyone or inform the school either, we found out by chance and DP took him at a later date) she also didn't pay her half of the childminders fees again this month and the Childminder refused DSS until it was paid- meaning the Childminder emailed us she couldn't accept him on the day he was due to go whilst with us last week, which caused lots of hassle, she had blagged the late payment for the days DSS was with her knowing full well he wouldn't be able to attend whilst with us the next few days and didn't even let DP know! We also found out she's been putting DSS (nearly 5) in nappies from DSS and a family member. We have absolutely no idea as to why as he's been dry for absolutely ages.

So, DP listed his concerns and asked for her reasons why etc. She has replied stating she no longer wants to use the diary for communications as she feels she is happy with how DSS is looked after by DP and therefore DP shouldn't question her. She has said she will only communicate via text message. (Im unsure what difference that makes compared to a written entry in the diary once or twice a week). This is not possible as she has previously made continual harrassing and abusive calls and abusive text messages which police were involved in, she was warned and told not to contact him via telephone. She has also said he doesn't want/need telephone calls during the week from DSS, doesn't want a daily account of what he's been doing, new things he's done, a new food he's tried etc.
DP tries to give her lots of info to provide continuity for DSS and because he hates being apart from his son and loves hewing about things he's done etc when he's with EX as he feels like the missing days aren't so missing if that makes sense. She just doesn't want to know :( and refuses to let DP know what he's been upto on the 3/4 days he's with her. So we drop him off and hear nothing whilst or after he's dropped back. Just seems so odd to me.

The other thing is that she has got a new Childminder just for the days DSS is with her, and got a new full
time job. DP has asked for the Ofsted number of the Childminder and to be informed how many hours a week DSS attends. Ex refuses to give this information. DP doesn't want to interfere but believes that he has a right to know about childcare settings etc and check they are registered.

So, my question is- is DP entitled to know about childcare settings she uses? (Both have shared residency, 50/50, DP has parental responsibility too. Also, any ideas of what DP can do to have written communication continued? Things are gradually getting worse and causing problems and she has also said she will no longer email him their usual weekly email either. DP has been advised by CAFCASS (he called them) that shared residency usually only works when the parents communicate effectively and a court would take a dim view of a parent who has shared residency that refuses to encourage contact with the other parent whilst a young child is with them and doesn't want to know about of give information about what theyved been doing etc. Any experiences or advice for DP
he feels like se is trying to cut him out of half of his sons life whilst he does everything he can to keep her informed and provide a continuous stable life for DSS

JJ

You have wound her up beyond reasonable and she no longer wants to communicate with you.

Whether it's reasonable or unreasonable isn't the issue - the issue is simple - you cannot force someone to communicate with you if they don't want to. You can't make someone speak to you in any form at all. It may be frustrating, you may think it's not in dss best interests but fundementally - what you/oh think is totally irrelevant.

You cannot make her bend to your wishes and the more you try the more she will resist.

I communicate well with my ex - but any hint at all that he is trying to "make" me do something is met with short thrift.

Can't you just ask the boy what foods he's tried, etc? Life's busy enough without having to remember to fill in a diary. Your thread is entitled "problems" but I don't really see what the problems are. Other than the childcare thing if course, that's a pain. Why don't you pay childminder for your days and she can pay for hers?

Why do you both need to know how many hours he's there?

(and what nadm said)

natures its just the idea there are threads on SP dedicating to winding up LP forums is daft.

I can only remember 2 instances in many years - his poster in various guises and the other one - can't remember her ID just the infamous "later bitches" thread - where she was migrating between the 2 forums and caused murder for both boards.

sighing I apologise and will change that I "think" a small/tiny percentage of posters can be described as you say and I would rather not have a repeat of ^^ said instances. And yes I am new to here so don't know histories.

As an lp and potential sp I find both boards extremely helpful.

Thankyou again for the daft compliment.

Notsonambysm- We do now, hence why she has her own Childminder, we don't need one any more so won't be getting one (DP and I work around each other to share care of DSS an my DD. Last week was the final week with the old shared cildminder that she deliberately didn't pay to just quite simply annoy DP.

DP wanted to know how many hours he's there as DSS has said that mummy said he'd be going there for breakfast, staying all day and having dinner there during the summer holidays. DP has a couple of weeks off work and has suggested to his EX that he has DSS on his day off when he'd otherwise be at the Childminder's all day and Ex has said no, with no reason. DP offered to do all dropping off and picking up, she would just rather pay for DSS to be there then let him have "extra time" with his dad.

She has said no because she probably thinks you are trying to establish residency and wants to reduce contact not give you more - and Child Minders need paying regardless so that's a moot point.

Just give it a rest and you may get somewhere because you aren't getting anywhere at the moment - except backwards.

was for natural.

JabberJay - you don't seem to be getting much help even now the thread's been moved. Maybe it's because not many people can see it from your point of view, which must be really frustrating for you, particularly on a forum which usually has a great variety of interesting perspectives.

If I recall, there's a poster around who seems to be in a very similar situation to you and shares your point of view - maybe she'll pop up to give some words of wisdom. Mind you, she does have another DSS a little younger too, so things may be a little different.

NotADisneyMum had some great advice for her too, but she didn't seem to be partial to it!

She has said no because she probably thinks you are trying to establish residency and wants to reduce contact not give you more - and Child Minders need paying regardless so that's a moot point.

She also is probably happier, during her agreed time, to put her child with the childminder she has chosen, rather than the one her ex has chosen (i.e., you). And when her child is with the childminder she has chosen, she knows that she will have contact with him, about him, and on her own terms. Just a thought.

If I recall, there's a poster around who seems to be in a very similar situation to you and shares your point of view - maybe she'll pop up to give some words of wisdom. Mind you, she does have another DSS a little younger too, so things may be a little different.

yes, pom, there were certainly some differences in their stories.

Definitely only one DSS (that I know of anyway!) :)

Brdgrl- Im not a Childminder, DP has two whole weeks off work and wants to spend it with his son! Most of the weekdays ex will be working (she works Mon-Fri) as we know she's booked a 3 week holiday later in the year so used much of her annual leave). Surely any parent would rather spend days with their DS than them
be with a new Childminder. Perhaps I'm just in the minority then...

Dp isn't trying to establish residency, they have shared residency- both agreed that. I think not allowing he otwr parent to spend a hole day with the child rather than them be in childcare just in case residency is raised is pretty shit. That's on par with not allowing more "contact" to avoid paying maintenance. (Not relevent to us as neither of them pay any maintenance, just a comparison).

It's a reaction to you two that's making her like this. The Mumsnet SP forum is NRP centric - but every regular poster here thinks you are bang out of line - which is amazing really - such total agreement.

You are going to end up losing the shared residency - all she has to do is not send him - it would take years to fight it in court - and paying maint at this rate.

Really for your own sake as well as hers - back off.

Yes, I realise that you are not a registered childminder. You have said that you and your DP share the childcare. That means that at least some of the time (even if not for the two week holiday your DP is about to have), you are providing the care to your DSS. My point is that when she has the kids, the ex is entitled to (and indeed I quite understand why she would) choose her own caretaker for them, instead of leaving them with you while her ex goes to his job.

And no, not every parent feels that putting a child with a professional childminder is a measure of last resort.

Brdgrl. Not a last resort, no offence to Childminders my dd has been with one in the past too. I mean surely wing in he care of the other parent is better than being in childcare. I suppose everyone thinks differently.

Sighingagain- Bang out of line is a little strong don't you think? Were talking about asking her to give DP info on DS's time with her, info on his new Childminder and to let DP have DS on "her" usually agreed days if DS would otherwise be in 10hrs of childcare. Hardly "bang out of line" is it? DP isn't going to lose shared residency. It's been the status quo for ages, a court isn't going to change it because DP is a bit annoyed that Ex is witholding information that he feels he is entitled to have. (he's seeing his solicitor Monday to find out of he is legally entitled to have information on a childcare setting his son is going to)

You are missing my point completely - a court won't have to change it - there is no order - mum could change it at the drop of a hat - DP would have to fight through court to get it re-established - that could take years if she fights it.

And no - no single issue is bang out of line - but the sum total is.

Do you actually know how rare shared care is? How many posters here have fought tooth and nail for half or less than that. Do you have any idea how ridiculous your constant demands on ex and incessant whining about her are when considering the broader picture many NRPs and SPs are up against.

This woman just wants to be left to parent her child, in the way she wants to - when she has him. She doesn't want to be answerable to her ex over every last detail. She doesn't want what he does with your family shoved down her throat.

You 2 are in for a very rude awakening I think if you dont step back.

DP prob does have the legal right - but forcing her to tell you is a phyricc victory at best - you won't be using the CM so what's the issue?

Are you aware of how easy it is for an RP to block contact are you? How long it takes to get it established.

Why go to a solicitor for info that's easily found on Internet.

JJ. What a bizarre thing to say!

Until a Court makes a Shared Residency Order then your DP hasn't got anything, so of course he can't lose it - his ex could move to the other end of the country tomorrow, taking the DCs with her, and his only course of action would be to seek a CO for sole residency and/or contact - and by the time they got to court, the DCs would be settled with her!

The similarity between the situation you describe and the one I am currently dealing with is uncanny - almost as if you have first hand knowledge!

I've not read any of the other threads. But I do think both parents should know where the child is being minded each day in case there is a problem. But I don't see that each parent has to know exactly what the child has been up to on each day they are not with them. And I don't think she should have just not paid the childminder and said nothing and left you to deal with the problem. I appreciate it is difficult to get the balance right when people have a lot of issues with ex partners.

sighing cheers back.

jabberjay thanks for answering my question. So the only actual "problem" has now gone away.
Regards the hours he's with the childminder, there is nothing wrong with breakfast, lunch and dinner there. A great many number of mums are frantically trying to work around a full time job and childcare this summer and do it very successfully. IF she feels her ex is trying to oust her out and has had any legal advice, or even if she is using common sense, she won't be wanting to "use" him over the holidays because if this ever goes to court he'll beat her over the head with how he had to step in when she couldn't cope over the summer. Quite simply, if he wants to subsidise you to stay at home and look after your child that's his own business, but if he wants his child not in childcare then he needs to subsidise her to do it. I am sorry to say that to her, you are no better than a childminder.

You refer to her "working full time" "ten hours a day" "Monday to Friday" etc a lot. I may be imagining it but I sense that you disapprove and think yourself a superior care giver because you don't do this.

I am sorry to say that to her, you are no better than a childminder.
and worse, because unlike the childminder whose services she uses, she cannot expect any cooperation from you.

As for sending Dc to a cm over the summer instead of relying on childcare from NRP or my ex means that I don't have to put up with his shitty moods and his controlling partner. Maybe she feels the same.

Your situation sounds very similar to another poster JabberJay!
If my ex offered to look after my dc in the summer holidays I would bite his hand off as it is a nightmare trying to juggle childcare and working f/t. BUT we have a very amicable coparenting relationship and trust each other to always do the best for our dc.
If I felt that he was watching my every move (i.e. waiting for me to trip up?) and demanding every detail of how I bring up the dc (i.e. lack of trust?) then i would rather leave them in the care of the devil himself.
It is your DPs attitude which is causing the bad feeling imo. And I speak as a step mum and a previous lone parent too.
Back off a bit. Trust her to look after her own DC.
Your DP is lucky to have 50/50 residency and he should be grateful. So many fathers would love this much access to their dc but are refused it.