DP's ex making arrangements in our time

[Lala1980]

DP's 4 children stay with us EO weekend. DP's ex-wife drops kids to us 5pm on Friday evening, DP takes them home by 6pm Sunday. This basic agreement to my knowledge is court ordered. DP does not have great relationship with his ex. She witholds communication regarding the children and rarely replies to his texts or emails.
The kids live approx 15 miles round trip from us.
Ex wife texted this morning to say youngest DSS (4) has party until 6pm where they live so she will drop the other 3 over at 5pm but DP must pick youngest up at 6pm.
I personally feel that this is unreasonable as we only have one car and I am not always about, so even if DP has access to a car at that time, he would have to drag the other three kids out as soon as they arrive to pick up the youngest.
My personal opinion is that ex wife should not accept invitations or make arrangements for the kids on DP's contact weekends. That is his time with his children, he doesn't get a lot of time with them because of his work, and he treasures that time. To be honest, he doesn't want them missing out on parties and school stuff, so 9 times out of 10, he wouldn't turn down the invitation either, but unless he has the car and childcare for the other 3 in place, the other 3 get dragged from pillar to post if one child has a party...
AIBU? I personally feel that ex wife should have asked if it was possible to pick youngest up at 6pm, or suggested she would bring them all over a 5 not 6pm...
Are other people happy when ex makes arrangements for the kids that affect their DP's time with them, or is this normal (I am not a biological mother myself)...

I don't think its fair at all that she has made arrangements without consulting your DP first then dictated when and where ur DP has to do the pick up. However at the same time i also understand that DC's don't want to miss out on parties etc when they fall on contact time.

Could she not have the 3 DC's until 6pm and then drop all 4 of them to you after SHE has picked up DSS. I think thats fair seeing as she is the one who has made the arrangements.

Well, my first thought is that it's a shame for the 4yo to miss out on a party because her parents can't resolve a one-hour schedule anomaly. So I think YABU, a bit, on the 'don't accept invitations'. I can see your point that the ex could have offered to bring them all at 6pm. But then their dad is missing out on an hour with them, which you say he doesn't want - at least he gets that hour with the other 3 this way.

And no we wouldnt be happy if it kept happening but I think one offs are inevitable. However I would expect to be asked (if it fell in contact time) if we minded the DC going to the party or whatever and whether or not we were able to do the pick up before she replied on behalf of the DC.

I totally don't want them missing out, neither does DP. What I object to is ex wife making plans on DP's contact weekend. Just suppose we had booked cinema tickets or had a weekend away booked?
I think it polite if she at least consulted DP first...
However, now she is refusing to answer her phone or reply to messages, so I have cancelled my plans so I can stay with the other 3 as I really don't want them to have to be dragged off as soon as they arrive... and we can't risk nobody picking up the little boy from the party!
Just really wish consideration and communication existed between DP and his ex... would be so much better for the kids...

It would have been reasonable to contact your dh and say 'right, ds has a party invite, it finishes at 6, do you want to pick the others up from my house and go on to pick ds up?' BUT it's not unusual for there to be other factors in the relationship between divorced parents... this is one event but there's loads of backstory, so maybe she has a reason for being not as helpful as she could have been.

I think it's a good thing if dh allows the kids to keep social engagements during 'his' time - children don't stick to their parents every second of they day when their parents are together, don't see why they should be expected to afterwards. One of ds's friends had to give up her music lessons because every other week they were in her Dad's time and he wouldn't compromise - miserable for all concerned when her Mother tried to keep them going but the girl had to miss every other lesson at her father's behest.

I know why you feel the way you do lala why should you have to put yourself out and cancel your plans when you had no say in the first place!? tbh if it is a one off i'd prob bite my tounge but because she has 'got away with it' (for want of a better phrase!) this time it will more than likely keep happening as it hasnt been addressed. I'd say if it keeps happening carry on with your own plans and let them sort it out between them its not up to you to have to 'fix' their issue.

With regards to the other 'kids getting dragged from pillar to post', that just sums up life with kids in general and it will be what she is doing a lot of the time anyway.

Thank you Edam. DP wants everything as normal as possible for the kids.
To my knowledge the only backstory is ex wife had an affair and caused the marriage breakdown, but she nows tries to poison the kids against their dad, maybe warped sense of guilt, who knows.
I appreciates 4 kids on your own is hard work, but she seems to have a mentality that when it is her weekend off, it is her weekend off. Last time, DSS (10) had an asthma attack and was in hospital. She didn't come and see him in hospital or anything as it was her weekend off.
Does it need to be so religious? I thought you are a mum regardless of what weekend it is, if your child needs you?

I wouldn't be impressed with the non visiting asthmatic child in hospital, no.

Can your DP say to her that if one of them has parties on a Fri evening, can she consult with him beforehand to see how best to do the pickup? I know she may not take notice but at least you have said something, then you can complain if it becomes a thing.

Not visiting your own child in hospital is appalling.

Maybe I'm blowing this party thing out of proprotion because I'm still mad about her blowing her son out when he was in hospital last time they were with us... DP rung her to say he was taking DSS to hospital and I (the evil step mother) was going to look after the other 3 with his mum (the evil ex mother in law)... Her response was... "It's my weekend off, I'm pissed, deal with it." Appalling is an understatement.

With 4 children, there's bound to be parties most weekends... We don't want the children to miss out but it needs to work both ways... DSD (8) has been learning to horse ride on my pony when she is staying with us, but DP's ex won't let us take her to go riding or to horse shows on our non-contact weekend, even when she has no plans...

I would never make arrangements for my children which impacted on their time with their father without checking with him first that the arrangements work for him.
With party invites etc that fall wholly within his time then we just give the invite to him and he deals with it. We have had very few which cross over like this, but where they do I sort out the arrangements with him before accepting (or otherwise) the invite.
Equally it wouldn't cross my mind to give any consideration to him when those arrangements fall within the time they are with me.

It depends how often the dc needs to go into to hospital. If they go in fairly regularly I doubt if people would be so judgey if the father didn't always go in along with mum. Has dc been in for treatment before and does your dh always go too?

A couple of things here, firstly is it quite usual for the child to be in hospital with asthma, because I used to be in and out all the time and if the child was used to it then I'd say no big deal.
Secondly the thing about the party is that she obviously had plans but didn't want to upset child by saying couldn't go. There is another thread on here today about a mum being upset that a party fell on dads weekend and dad said no and it upset the child. So really child should come first. As for the other 3 getting ran about, well if you have 4 children that's going to happen, even when the 2 parents are not split as can't guarantee the other will always be there to watch the rest.

And I would say that someone who has 4 kids 11/14 days full time should have her "weekend off"

She should not be making plans or agreeing to things that are due to take place during your DPs contact time.

Of course, when possible, you can facilitate getting children to parties etc IF that fits in with what you have planned.

But sometimes, frankly, some things will have to be missed. And that's just part of not living with both your mum and dad together. The kids will have to accept that as they get older.

I dont suppose she would like it if the boot were on the other foot and you made such changes on the drop off time or made plans with the kids on her weekend? She should pass invitations on to your DH to decide how to handle.

Thank you for your input everyone.
Please don't get me wrong - we don't want the child to miss the party nor do we have a problem with him going. It was simply the lack of consideration that got our goat, not even to be asked but to be told.
I accept now that in larger families, the children without the social occasion will have to be driven about. They each get their fair share of parties so I suppose it's swings and roundabouts.
I agree their mother deserves her weekends off in principal but this is not a child who is in and out of hopsital. I have been with DP for 2 years and this is only the second time he has been hospitalised with his asthma and she wasn't interested last time either. It breaks the little boy's heart when he just wants his mum... Surely she can't just switch off from being a mum?

Hmmmmm... Cafcass have on multiple occasions recommended that my dc attend their friends' parties even if they coincide with contact time as it's what is in the childrens' best interests that matters, not any of the adults. I resent my father for not allowing me to attend any weekend functions for 16 years because his plans for us came first. let children be children and experience all that it involves including their peers' parties.

Unless your dp has attended every hospital appt/admission of all 4 dc previously when their mum was attending then mentioning that is unreasonable. That you think she should facilitate more contact by allowing you and dp to take one child (out of 4) to horse shows/lessons on her weekends....

Someday I have stated above we do not have a problem with the children attending parties on DP's weekends. This happens a lot and is bound to where there are 4 children, there's lots of parties. What we objected to and I was having a rant (more to let off steam than anything else) was that she changed an arrangement at the last minute, and expected us to be able to pick up the child when she is supposed to drop him off, without asking, and we have had to rearrange several things and borrow a car. She just doesn't want to miss an hour's drinking time...
Dp has been to every hospital appt/admission that he has been made aware of and really would drop everything for the kids, even if he was the resident parent and it was his weekend off. His devotion to them has nearly broken us up on a number of occasions - I know he'd do ANYTHING for them. There is a history of the mother messing us around and letting down the kids so I do not believe I have been unreasonable in mentioning a situation that is relevant.
With regards to the last statement, DSD asked us if she could ride on the weekends she wasn't staying with us. DP asked her mother who said no. We were merely offering to give the girl a nice time when she was otherwise sat at home bored - We would do all the running around, feed her - but only if mum had no plans. Still, it is ex's perogative but I don't think it is putting the child first if that is what the child wanted to do and had no other plans.

Someday, in your first paragraph you state that it's best to act in the child's best interests. Yet in your second paragraph you say that they are unreasonable for suggesting an activity with just on of the children and leaving the other 3 out. Is it in the child's best interests to miss out on something they enjoy then in case it upsets their siblings? Or should in fact Mum be thinking of the child's best interests and letting them take part in something they enjoy ... just like going to a birthday party, on their own.

Siblings have to get used to the fact that their brothers or sisters may do activities they can not/do not. Even with intact families, Dad may take one child off to do something while the others stay at home with Mum.

I agree with you OP that it is unreasonable to dictate what your partner is doing in his time. She should have contacted him to discuss the arrangements and informed him of this party with much more notice. You don't get birthday party invites on the day of the party.

sigh lala1980 ...its really obvious you dont have your own children... look ive been a step mum twice and i also have my own kids with 2 diff fathers and various exs and combinations of contact...situations...etc..the point is that it is ALL ABOUT THE KIDS... whatever a court order might say or what you might think or how the ex behaves...the kids come first. Can i ask what on earth you think would happen to the other kids on the weekend that isn't yours if a party happens? thats right - the single mum - no help - spends the eve driving the kids here there and everywhere whilst simultaneously doing homework feeding the kids entertaining them and minimising the fact they dont have a lucky bag from the party of their own....that is what happens when you are alone and dont want the kids to miss out.
i do sympathise with you a bit it sounds like you want things to be 'fair' and 'good'....trouble is you are only party to your ex's side of whats happened and why she is the way she is. some people are unreasonable - but most people aren't..it sounds odd to me that she constantly refuses to return calls and didnt want to be in hospital with her son...i wonder why? I also wonder if your partner would have dropped everything and rushed to his side in hospital if it had been in her contact time?

sparkly, that's totally unfair. First of all, I don't think (have I missed it?) that OP said anywhere that the ex is a 'single mum', she may well have a partner herself. Not that it is really relevant anyway, because by your argument, inconvenience and difficulty to the adults makes no difference whatsoever, right?

And as far as the kids missing out on party bags etc...what about the events/activities that the kids might miss out on because they clash with plans made without the dad knowing? As OP said - what if OP and the dad had made their own plans to do something with the kids?

What's best for the kids is communication between the adults who care for them.

I agree with *ladydeedy8, if there can't be mutual decision-making by the two parents, then invites for things that are occuring during the father's time should be dealt with by the father. That means he has responsibility for replying to them, arranging transport, sorting out birthday gifts, whatever else is required. Of course, this would require the dad to be reasonable and considerate, too.

OP, would it be possible for your DP and the ex to set up a shared calendar online, just for the kids' social lives, appointments, etc? I'm thinking of the sort of thing I used to use with my boss, back when I was a PA...when she received an invite to a meeting, I'd put it on the calendar and she could accept or decline; we could then both see what was going on for her on a given day. I obviously don't mean that you'd have to share with each other every thing the kids were doing when they were with you, just when something came up that was on the other parent's time, IYSWIM. I realise that the ex might not go for this, if she is really very unreasonable or disorganized or just can't bear any level of communication with your DP at all...but it is less direct than phone calls or emails and maybe she'd see the benefit in it too? Sorry if I am being overly optimistic.

Totally unreasonable for any non resident parent to not allow kids to go to some activities / parties on their weekend if they live reasonably near to kids other home.

However, it needs to be the parent who is actually looking after the kids that decides, when and where, not the other parent.

Op has four dsc and trying to organise your lives around friends/clubs/parties etc is difficult enough without someone else making plans for you!

It is totally unacceptable for one parent to make any sort of arrangement for the DCs during the other parent's scheduled time with them without consulting the other parent.

Dps ex does this all the time. We have dcs eow and one evening each week, from after school til 9pm - they're a little older, 12 and 14. Dp is often told, bring them back at 2 on Sunday because we're going to christening/family party/bridesmaid dress fitting....the list is endless. And the weekly evening is often similarly cut short. The latest thing is dsc1 phoning her dad and saying "mum says I can go to cinema/swimming tonight so you don't need to get me after school". Surely mum should be saying "go tomorrow, or the next day, today you go to your dads"?
We are very local, and have no problem taking them to parties etc, and they still see friends and stuff when they're with us - same as they do at mums.

2blessed2bstressed this is EXACTLY what we experienced for years. It really is awful.