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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Family party - WWYD?

24 replies

sophiasmummy10 · 18/07/2012 13:11

Hi
I am lookig for a little advise. My partner has a 12 DD and we have a 2 year old daughter together. My partner has one hour of contact a fortnight with his DD, she refuses to have anything to do with me or our daughter.

My partners grandmother is 90 next month and we have recieved invites to a party to celebrate. This morning DP gets a phone call from his ex saying that they have also been invitited and their daughter would like to go. But on the condition that me and DD don't go. I am all for saying ok me and my daughter won't go but is this the right thing to do?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
RhiRhi123 · 18/07/2012 13:21

No i don't think its the right thing to do at all. You are part of the family and you have a child together! it's not like you've been on the scene for 5 minutes. your DSD is trying to control the situation but putting your DP in a situation where he has to choose when it shouldn't have to be like that.

I think your DP needs to sit down with his DD (although this might be difficult given the level of contact) and say that he would love for her to come to her great grandmothers birthday but that you and your DD will also be there afterall it's your DD's GG too so why should she have to not go just so that DD can. If DSD decides not to go then thats her choice but I don't believe a family should have to live like that just because its a step family.

In a together family a child wouldnt have the choice to go to something like that for no good reason so I don't see why it should be any different in a step family.

If my DSS decided he didnt want to go to something like that because my DD and I were going he would miss out. If you give in it will never change and just becomes ridiculous because they will think they can make more and more ultimatums and think it will result in their favour!

brdgrl · 18/07/2012 13:22

No, it's not.

There are two questions here, really - 1, should you go, against DSD/ex's wishes?

And 2, should your DD go, against DSD/ex's wishes?

I'll set question 1 aside for a moment. So - 2 - should your DD go? Absolutely! She is your child with your partner, wnich means that she is the great-grandchild of the woman whom this party is all about. Suggesting that she be excluded is horrible, and unfair to everyone in the extended family as well as the great-grandmother - they all have as much presumed interest in seeing the two-year-old child as the twelve-year-old. DD, a toddler, should not be excluded from HER family events, no matter what the feelings of the ex and the older child.

So - question 1 - do you go? Or do you send DD with your DP and stay away to keep (some) peace? I think I would want to know more (what is the history; did you have a role in the split; why the hostility from DSD; was your name explicitly stated on the invite...) before I could give my opinion on that, but I think that is the question you should be asking yourself, IYSWIM.

WkdSM · 18/07/2012 13:24

I am assuming that it is your partners grandmother not grandmother - in - law (iyswim).

It is her decision whom she invites to the party and it is terribly rude for someone else to try and override her wishes. It might upset her if you do not go. Your DD is just as much this lady's great grandchild as the older child and having all your great grandchildren around for this type of party is usually par for the course.

You should be careful of setting a precedent for this type of behaviour - go to the party, even if you come away early (with the excuse of having a young child with you).

We had a similar situation with my BIL's family after he got divorced. At one christening invites were issued to his ex's family on the strict condition they behaved themselves - or they would be thrown out. All was fine.

Be brave - don't let a 12 year old and an exw dictate whether your child is part of her father's family.

NotaDisneyMum · 18/07/2012 13:37

It seems to be quite common for 12 year old girls to give their Daddys ultimatums about who they will and won't accept in their life!

My DSD did this - I was very fortunate and my DP did not entertain her for a minute and his DD has missed out on a lot of time and her Dads involvement in her life as a result.
I assume that her mum is accommodating her daughter and not insisting that she see her Dad? In my experience, that will backfire in the long term; she will soon be dealing with a teenager who thinks that she is in control and mum may find herself rejected, too.

I honestly believe that it is best for your DP to maintain firm and consistent boundaries, including expecting his DD to show you manners and respect. I know that is easier said than done but the alternative is doing a great disservice to your DSD in my opinion.

Petal02 · 18/07/2012 13:42

Be brave, and don?t let a 12 year old and an ex wife dictate whether your child is part of her father?s family

Too right. And what does your DP think about all this? Hopefully he will insist you and your daughter come to the party.

theredhen · 18/07/2012 13:47

Yep, I do agree. DSD is welcome at the party, just as you and your DD are. If she chooses not to come, that is HER choice. Don't be guilted into feeling you are stopping her from going - you are not.

LtEveDallas · 18/07/2012 13:54

No it's not right. Your DD is as much a Great Grandchild as DSD is. It is not up to her to invite (or uninvite) you and your DD.

DSD has been invited. DD has been invited. If DSD chooses not to go that is her own problem and her own fault. If DPs Ex lets her get away with this, well that is her lookout.

Unless you think that DSD / ExP will cause a scene on the day, then I wouldn't even bother calling DSD/ExP back, just turn up - however, if you think she would then you should be clear that you are attending rather than upset a 90 year old on her birthday.

Good luck OP, it sounds like you will need it.

brdgrl · 18/07/2012 14:07

Sorry, I have been thinking about the waffling second half of my response, and actually - I think that as long as the invitation was extended to you, you should go too.

What does your DP say, just out of curiousity?

purpleroses · 18/07/2012 14:08

I would tell her that you will be going. If DSD would like to attend but her mum feels uncomfortable taking her because you'll be there, then offer to take her with you and her mum can stay behind if she wants.

Absolutely not on to tell you or your DD not to go to a family party if you'd like to go to it. Even if you did have a role in the split, that is presumably at least 3 years ago, and the grandmother has invited you so she presumably wants you there.

Original poster
sophiasmummy10 · 18/07/2012 16:45

God wow wasn't expecting so many responses. I was not involved in split and have been with DP for 6 years (they split 7 years ago).

The norm is just not to invite us to functions so i am very suprised. Unfortunatly the child is induldged and both parents have made a rod for their own back.

Im going to wait till DP gets home from work and then discuss all this with him

OP posts:
JabberJay · 18/07/2012 17:09

OP- Nobody else seems to have mentioned it, so perhaps I read it wrong- Your DP's ex called today and said "they've" also been invited. Is she saying hat her and dsd will go as long as you and your dd don't go?

I think you, DP, dd and dsd should go. If it's DP grandmother then she's not related in any way to ex so she should be the one who doesn't go.

littlebluechair · 18/07/2012 17:20

You should refuse to discuss the invite with them at all, absolutely none of their business. Do not allow anyone to dictate what social invites you may accept. You hold your head high and go, if they cause a scene that is on their heads.

allnewtaketwo · 18/07/2012 17:25

No no no, this is ridiculous!

I think I recognise your situation, and Dsd and her mother have been making everyone dance to their tune for quite sometime.

This sort of controlling behaviour just can't be tolerated, she is effectively bullying and controlling you and your partner. Tbh though I really can't understand why his family are inviting her to family functions when she outright rejects the existence of his other child. They are enabling her behaviour.

fairyfriend · 18/07/2012 17:32

'The norm is just not to invite us'
This is very sad. So you have been with your DH for 6 years, and yet you are not included in the family because of his ex? It is not down to his daughter- if you have been on the scene since she was 6, then clearly the adults are at fault here for not setting boundaries a lot sooner.
I think you should go, and your DH should deal with his ex and DD. And the rest of his family, actually- does he usually just carry on and go without you? That's shocking!

Kaluki · 18/07/2012 17:35

Another here who thinks this is ridiculous!!
Do not give this girl (or her mum) the power to dictate who goes to a family party! If she doesn't want to see you and your dd then she shouldn't go!
Once she gets away with one ultimatum a lot more will follow!!
WTF is her mum playing at encouraging this? And why are you not usually invited to these things - or did I read that wrong?

NotaDisneyMum · 18/07/2012 18:19

allnew in my experience, families are so out of their depth in these situations that they often make decisions that seem completely bewildering to outsiders.

My DPs family frequently undermine him in their attempts to negotiate a situation that they see as 'no win'. They want a relationship with their DGD/niece, but DPs position restricts that and without undermining him, they can't develop an independent relationship with her Sad

olibeansmummy · 18/07/2012 18:20

Absolutely go to the party. You and your dd are not outsiders you are family as much as your sdd is. Do not be dictated to by a 12 year old or an ex! The whole of mumsnet insists you go lol

Eliza22 · 18/07/2012 18:54

It's NOT just 12 yr old girls who "test" daddy's loyalty. I have an 18 yr old sd who is doing just that.

And last year, I was invited to my eldest sd's graduation. Her mum said she wouldn't go if dh went. So, accordingly, extra tickets not issued. A week before, his ex changed her mind. Suddenly, she could cope with seeing her ex (my dh) but obviously, I had to give up my ticket, as no others available. Very well planned on his ex's part, I think. Nasty.

My point is..... You and your dd should go with your partner. It is an invitation and no one, but the person issuing the invitation, can say who "should" be there.

And, if your dp and his ex don't sort this out now. You may have an 18 yr old, STILL testing daddy.

MrsTomHardy · 18/07/2012 20:25

You dh, you and your dd go to the party.

hihohiho · 19/07/2012 08:38

He shouldn't be going to anything you haven't been invited to. That's appalling.

Eliza22 · 19/07/2012 09:05

Hihohiho.... That's what my dh says. Though he loves and misses his dd (youngest at 18) he feels that her dislike of me, based on nothing more than the fact that she objects to me and my son, is not just cause for her ostracising us and making him choose. He says that in future, having been manipulated already over eldest dsd's graduation, he will not attend anything, unless WE are invited as a couple.

This support is based on the fact that I treated his all the same....they were genuinely wanted and welcomed into our home/situation. I get on well with his eldest two, but the youngest will have none of it. She was 12 when I first met her.

Original poster
sophiasmummy10 · 19/07/2012 09:48

Thank you ladies.

Had a big chat last night. DP said that next time he sees her he will say "we are going to Nanna's party, i think she'd like to see us all there". His attitude is if they don't want to go because we will be there then that is there deiscion.

So finally he is not giving in as he has done on previous occasions.

Thank you all for your advice. xxxxx

OP posts:
brdgrl · 19/07/2012 12:39

That's really great, OP. I hope you have a good time. :)

Eliza22 · 19/07/2012 12:57

Good. Enjoy. Let us know how it went?

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