I am at the end of my tether with Dp and Sd (long)

[jammibuttery]

OK, i rarely post here any more, and i'm probably going to remember why once the answers start rolling in, but i'll try anyway.
I've name changed for this, so some of you will recognise me, but SD is nosing around on MN and i don't want her to find this.

I'm truly at the end of the line with my SD and the way my Dp parents her. Sd was thrown out of her mums at 11, and came to live at my house. At the time me and DP had not been together a massively long time, and he was estranged from SD, end result was i had met this girl 3 times, totalling maybe an hour before she lived with me, DP and my DD.

God knows i have tried. I know what happened was awful, and i tried my best to be good to her, even though it put terrible strain on everyone, and she was awful, but i tried to do the best i could with a clearly troubled child.

We got her into school and arranged counselling, and i honestly thought at some point we would see an end to her behaviour. She is still in counselling now.

Fast forward over 2 years, and my relationship with DP is, in my view, at breaking point over her. DP has indulged and indulged and indulged her, to the point that he has created a 14 year old monster, who rules this house and simply cannot be controlled.

Dp cannot be spoken to about her. I know he is also at the end of his tether with her, but any attempt by me to suggest implementing some rules and boundaries (which i think she is crying out for) is turned around on me as my "nastiness and uptight attitude to her". Its regularly thrown in my face that i'm not her mum, and therefore not my business how he parents her, however, today being an example in point, it was thrown in my face how i'm not helping him even when i can see he is struggling with her! He is always telling me how i dont care about her, and would be happy if she went back to her mums. Trouble is, i think DP would like her to go back to her mums, because he is just fucking this up day by day, and is pushing his guilt on to me.

He blames everyone else for her behaviour, but won't deal with anything that is bought to his attention. I have found fag ends in her room, and more recently, a negative pregnancy test which i told him about. His response? Well he can't prove the fag butts are hers, so he can't have a go at her, and he is sure that she probably hasn't had sex, and if she has, he's sure she's not pregnant! She's 14 FFS!!! And the test was done a week after her period, so she actually could be pregnant. He says he's not going to speak to her about it.

She has money thrown at her, and earns nothing. I am heavily pregnant, and he has not ONCE made her hoover or tidy up, i cook her meals, i clean and i shop, whilst looking after my 4 year old dd. Her weekends are regularly spent asleep, just coming out of her room to eat.

She rarely does a full week at school, she will tell DP she is ill, and DP won't make her go to school, he just covers for her. He allows her almost every weekend to have large sleepovers (parties) in our granny flat, where he is ok with them drinking and smoking (though apparently SD is the only one not doing that).

End result is she has become an awful child, who i am sorry to say i am begining to dislike. Me and DP do nothing but row over her, but its reached a point where i don't want to say anything about her behaviour, because it will come back and bite me on the arse, and somehow it will come down to me not being supportive/caring/interested enough. Whatever she has done, i can almost guarantee that the end result will be him yelling at me or not speaking to me, whilst what she actually did goes completely ignored, because i have/haven't said something.

I started trying to "disengage" a few weeks ago, for my own sanity as much as anything, but even that is wrong, because whilst i mustn't say anything about her or her behaviour or have any opinion on how we can change things i also mustn't be seen not to be involved. I am somewhat damned if i do and damned if i don't.

I am exhausted with it. It is like a war zone here. Every time it isn't quite going her way she has tempers and door slamming and tears and flouncing. She is continually rude, she lies, and she is light fingered (to the point that she is actually going through my drawers to take stuff, rather than just seeing things and "borrowing" them. She's going off the rails, her schoolwork and grades are going through the floor, she has lost another set of friends, and is fast reaching a point where no one wants to be her friend, her older sisters can't bear her and her behaviour and want nothing to do with her, and i've reached a point where i'm going to lose my temper with them all. SD is not easily likeable, and her own mother and grandparents struggle with her as well, so it is not all in my head. The last 3 weeks with her and upset over her boyfriend have been simply awful, and both DP and i are exhausted with her.

I am reaching a point where i don't know if i can have all this and have a new baby, and have my dd and continue to live here.

I appreciate she is a teenager, but she has been like this from day one, and even teens need to have some rules they obey. Telling her "no" just gets the reply "well im going to, i'll do what i want". I know my dd is only 4, and its regularly thrown at me that i "don't understand teens" which i will accept, but i know when my dd is 14 smoking, truanting and sleeping with her 17 year old boyfriend will not be just ignored.

Some how i seem to cop the flack for this all the time, and i no longer know what to do for the best here. I thought bit would get better with her, but despite counselling, and the attempt to give her a more stable homelife she actually seems to be getting worse.

I am so sorry you are going through this! I think that you have a massive desicion to make here, do you continue or do you step away?

Your DP is deluded if he thinks that his DD isn't smoking/having sex (you need to make a massive point to him that she is and this is illegal)! I'm sorry, but he is and he is going to end up realising when he has a 14/15 year old sat crying and in labour isn't he??

There are so many other things that scream at me reading your post, however, to be perfectly fraank, I don't know where to start!

Does your DP realise that you are considering walking away because of his ineptitude to parent his teenager?? If not, I suggest you start here, maybe it will make him realise (although, I do doubt that)

I'm shocked that your DP is allowing your SD to have friends round for, what is essentially, a fags and piss up night! Whp buys the booze?? I'd be mortified and ban this immediatly!! This is a house that has a 4yr old and soon to have a newborn there?? Not gonna happen with me, again, its illegal, its immoral (IMO) and shoudnt be allowed.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this OP and I know my advice isn't exactly constructive but I feel this is the time to put your foot down. Good luck!

Sorry for the spelling, I am on my phone and forgot to spell check!

Thanks,

DP often buys the booze!! attempts by me to stop these parties are over ridden by DP, if i say no, it is quite likely i will find a group of girls turning up and find out that he decided it wouldn't be an issue.

Me and DP have a great relationship a lot of the time, but she is becoming more and more of an issue. When she goes away for a few days to her mums, it is like a huge weight is off of our shoulders.

I don't think he knows HOW to even start to deal with her, and because he doesn't, and i think i do know how to start to do this, i think he feels i am being
a know all.

He thinks i am too black and white, and too harsh on her, which probably i am, but its coming about because i seem to be the only person who notices and wants to address the dynamics in this house.

I don't know if he knows how fed up i am. Certainly im fed up of being to blame, when her two parents between them have hugely screwed up her life.

Have you had couple's counselling over this issue?
Have you looked into if there are any teen parenting classes in your area (for HIM, you could go along but you sound quite level headed whereas his head is in the clouds!)
His DD is smoking, drinking, bunking off school, and having unprotected sex.

HE is enabling ALL of these behaviours, yes all teens might sly some booze to share or smoke but not many of them are actively allowed to do this by their parents.

Do you have contact with her counsellor/counselling service? I would be going to them with my concerns, over his head - tell them you are at the end of your tether and are deeply concerned. His behaviour is actually encouraging situations where she is at risk!

If he honestly thinks she is not having sex despite there being a pg test in her bedroom he is very deluded.

jammi I think the time has come for you to take responsibility for your DSD future into your own hands.

She has been failed by both her parents, is out of control and is setting herself up for a HUGE fall, very soon.

You say her school grades have plummeted - what are the school doing about this? She is stealing - has she been in trouble with the police, yet? Is the counsellor aware that DSD is deteriorating and that their intervention isn't working? Has she been referred on to other therapies?

What I am saying is that in order to "save" her, you have to involve professionals who can step in because her parents have absolved themselves of responsibility. You can't do this - either practically or emotionally.

When she truants, call the school. When she steals, report her to the police. When she drinks, smokes or engages in risky sexual behaviour, tell Social Services. Rally all the services you can for her - without swift intervention, she will become statistic, and I fear that you will get the blame for that, as well.

I understand that will put your relationship with DP at risk. But really, how long is it going to last if you do nothing?

No, he wouldn't buy into counselling. He will pass all this off as teen behaviour, and if i mention the behaviour then he almost digs his heels in that her behaviour is fine, and its just be being a big old meany to her again.

I admit i don't try any more to bond with her. I see so many problems here which centre around SD that when i have any spare time, i need to actually remove myself from her. He is always on at me that i don't "do" things with her, but i don't exactly see him spending quality time with her, he just gives her her own way.

I have considered ringing her Counsellor, but im not sure if i could have it kept from them that i have done it. I certainly think him and her need help, and if they can get it, then i think many of my problems will also begin to lessen.

I think im level headed, but he thinks i'm hard, and have no idea what it's like to be a teenager, and that i have unrealistic expectations if i expect her to help at all in the house.

We are reaching a kind of stalemate in the house.

Hang on - so this is YOUR house? I'm agog! The problem here is your DP not your DSD. In your shoes I would just sit him down and tell him that this party nonsense stops or you inform SS and the Police. Its illegal what he's doing and you do not want a reputation as that house where the teenage girls all get drunk every weekend. These things get around a community - you have your other DCs to think of. School will probably already have an inclin that stuff goes on in your granny flat and they won't be impressed. You'll need them on board to help your DSD and they won't be arsed with that if they just think you are a rowdy lot who don't care.

WRT to routines and discipline within the house - you need to come to an agreement with him about what's acceptable and then enforce it, both of you. Otherwise I would say that he needs to find his own place for him and DSD for a while until things settle down and you have some control over your environment again. It sounds harsh but I'm really worried for all of your children - DSD is being neglected by your DP and it won't end well. You poor thing - your DP really needs a wake-up call here.

(also a SDM btw.)

So far the stealing is from me, again DP writes this off as "what teenage girls do" but i think its beyond that, i think it just shows how SD has no concept of any one else in the house, or any one else's boundaries.

I have reached a point where i hide my stuff away, as she is just going through my drawers.

The only positive i see for her is that she is very good and fond of my DD.

TBH, she was very keen over us having a baby, and had been talking about it long before we even tried, but even that hasn't brought us all together in the way i thought it would, and i can see untold trouble when the baby comes and she is expected to be a bit quiet and thoughtful.

I do need to decide what to do. I'd really love to help DP work through this, and actually help SD, but every thing i say gets his back up, and although i will admit i don't have any loving feelings towards her, it does not mean that i want to see her life go down the pan and her to end up as a junkie/jobless/teen mum/drop out statistic either.

Sorry, meant to say, we now live in DPs house, we had to leave mine as we couldn't all fit in! I get a feeling that although lip service is paid to it being "our" home, they and me feel it is actually "theirs"

Yes - imagine one of these other 14 yr olds overdid it on booze in your granny flat and had to have their stomach pumped and/or had alcohol poisoning, and it came out that your partner BOUGHT the booze! It's really shitty irresponsible behaviour from him.

Is this your house? Or jointly owned/rented, what?
I think I would be asking him to leave to be honest.

I would talk with counselling/ss/school about DSD's behaviour and her dad's facilitating of it too, regardless of their reactions if they find out you went to them.

Not surprised he won't go to counselling. He knows he is wrong but just wants you to put up and shut up. He's showing you no respect, care, understanding over all this is he? Neither of them are respecting that you are heavily pg either by the sounds of things.

Do you worry OP about when your own dcs are teens and how things will be then?? You can't go on living with all this stress whilst parenting a newborn and a four yr old.

Oh cross posted about the house situation. That's shitty!

I have said repeatedly to DP that this is becoming the place to go and do stuff you aren't allowed to do at home, and that is not a good thing, it doesn't make us "cool and trendy" it makes us irresponsible and foolhardy"

I have also said about how other parents will react if they find out that he (not me!) is allowing this to go on. Certainly if i was a parent i would be pretty angry, and rightly so.

But again, if i bring this up, im being miserable and harsh and they're not doing any harm.

This is the difficulty. I could let a lot of it go, if he would just listen AND DO FUCKING SOMETHING about some of it. But he won't, because i am saying it.

Bored is right - just speak to school anyway. At least then they'll know she's got one sensible parent and then you've got some back-up. If it goes on much longer you'll have meetings and EWOs and maybe even Youth Offending knocking so he'll have to face it sometime.

I'm glad she's nice to your DD - sounds like she has a heart :) The stealing is appalling though - can you buy a box that locks?

Have you tried telling your DP that he could get accused of grooming and being a perv if he gets teenage girls drunk in his house? Thats really horrible but it might shock him into realising how this will look if it 'gets out'. It does look dodgy as anything, although I'm not suggesting for one minute thats why he's doing it - he's just an over indulgent arse from the sound of things.

Do you know, i do think he likes that they all think he is some kind of "cool dad", not in a pervy way i might add, but i think he likes all these kids (of which there are lads as well) telling SD how great he is, and how much fun he is.

I think he is over indulgent. He tried to make it up to her when she came her (fair enough) but then never got out of that mind set, and now he needs to he doesn't know how to. Certainly SD is hard work when she's getting her own way, when he tries to put his foot down................

I think he wants an easy life, and giving in to her equals an easy life (for him)

Well, if he values the opinions of 'kids' over the opinions of adults - parents, SS, Police, just people in general who are going to think he's a sad creep then there is not a lot you can do. He sounds like he's got some pretty big issues himself like not being really grown-up or being very insecure? Maybe thats why he fears counselling - that its all going to come out that he actually is completely unable to cope with being an adult.. Just a thought...

Does he ever express any insight or interest in what you say about the situation? Would he be upset if other people/ agencies critisised his parenting or would he get bolshy and angry and ignore it?

It is absolutely outrageous. You have tried very, very hard, but your DP is not stepping up.
There are many things which absolutely enrage me about the situation, but the fact that you are pregnant and yet no one in that house gives you a bit of help, a bit of peace, or makes any effort to ensure you have a happy and healthy pregnancy just breaks my heart. When you are looking after a newborn, are they going to help? Are they going to support you in providing a happy, safe, calm environment for your new child? Or for your DD? I think you and your children are being treated horribly, and your DP is shifting the blame by tryingto make out that your expectations are unreasonable or that you are somehow unkind or unfair. On the contrary - you have been too kind and too willing to compromise for too long.

I don't know what to suggest - perhaps a couples counsellour could get through to your DP, perhaps not - but I don't see how you can go on like this. You deserve a more peaceful and respectful life.

If he won't go to couple's counselling with you, perhaps go for some counselling just on your own OP? It will help you to have a sounding board about the whole situation, someone impartial who can help you separate out all the issues ad think through what is best for you to do.

Tell the other parents. Tell the school. Dp is being massively irresponsible over this. To the point of stupidity. As the only sensible parent you need to be getting a grip, for the sake of all the children involved.

I have reached a point where i don't know what to do for the best.

Sometimes he will bring her up with me, and we'll discuss a plan of action, then the next day he won't implement it, and if you bring it up he will say he changed his mind.

Originally he asked me to speak to her about the pregnancy test, then the next day we had words about her, and he decided i wasn't the right person to talk to her about it after all, and in actual fact he had decided no one was to talk to her about it!

There are lots of times here when its good, i don't want to portray us as a constantly battling couple, but we seem to be at loggerheads over her and it is becoming a big problem.

What he wanted to do, ie the softly softly approach, has done nothing, and although maybe my ideas need toning down a bit i can't help but think a bit of grounding/stopping of allowance/taking tv etc would be worth a shot.

At the moment with my hormones and general fatness and tiredness i just feel like telling the pair of them to fuck off, take their mess and dysfunctional relationship and get away from me!

I can talk to him till im blue in the face. He will admit he hasn't got a clue what to do with her, but all he ever seems quite confident and sure of is that whatever i suggest is not the right way forward. I do wonder why he ever asks really.

Most of what you say has gone on and been allowed, to be very frank, would be deal breakers to me. I am pg too, there is no way that I would want any of this going on at the same time, teenage parties etc NO WAY.

How do you think your DP would handle things if you weren't around any more? Would he miss your DD? Is he thinking of anyone but himself at the moment?
I feel so awful for you. Is there anywhere else you can go? I would be ignoring madam and not doing anything for her, plus DP and just be sorting things out for you, DD and your unborn baby. Time to go, absolutely.

Your DP is basically refusing to be a parent and not allowing you to be one either - totally untenable situation. I am so so for you

I know he is a typical Disney dad, to the point where i will complain that she does nothing, and he does more, rather than have any battle with her over it.

I think asking her to stack the dishwasher and push the hoover round sometimes is not on a par with treating her like Cinderella, but DP has accused me of treating her like the maid on more than one occasion.

This is terrible OP and I think if I were in this situation I would be running for the hills!

How do you think this will affect your children??

I think DP would very much miss us. I think i am the only thing really that keeps this "family" together and functioning.

If i didn't feed us, and shop etc it would simply grind to a halt here. I also think that DP is quite close to breaking point, but i can't see how i can help him if he won't be helped.

He lets her do so much because when she is in the flat partying she is not in the house making it miserable, and he has admitted how much easier it is when she is not here.

I have to be honest, i don't want to lose my relationship. I don't want the new baby to not have a full time dad, because he is too consumed with SD and i would love to find a way to make it work, but i am starting to feel quite down and depressed about things, especially how i always seem to be the bad guy.

I don't know, maybe i am, maybe i am too harsh and i am making too much of things, but all i can base it on is how i wouldn't want my children acting like this.

Jammi, Im really sorry, but your DP is failing your SD and you. Look, if you dont do something this will carry on and escalate, and your relationship will almost certainly fail (sorry to be so blunt).

It sounds as though he is complacent in you being there, and you seem to be taking the blame from him due to his own failings. Your SD has indeed had a pretty turbalent life so far and really is not to blame if your DP and her own mother have let her down, but by spoiling her she will only get worse.

If it were my DP, he would be getting the biggest ultimation of his life now, step up and be a proper parent or do it on your own!!!!

You need to look after yourself and your children (baby to be!).

Love, wish I could give better advice. Take care, you sound lovely.

So this mixed up 14 year old girl has left a pg test in her bedroom at home, it has been found, and no one has talked to her about it?

I was a bit of a mixed bag at 14:

• homelife: I cooked the tea every night (eldest of 3 with a single mum who worked full time), I walked the dog every night, I also had a part time job in a newsagent and a babysitting job.
• personal life: I had a boyfriend, I was having sex. I got pg and had an abortion.
• behaviour: I was drinking, twagging off school (but also still getting v.good grades), smoking pot on the way home.

I was a good kid acting up and no one noticed, or pretended they hadn't noticed when what I wanted was a parent and for someone to ask how I was, what was going on in my life, basically - look after me. My mum had a lot on and even now is very childlike, and self involved, and my dad was a whole other issue.

She probably wants a parent. Her dad is doing her no favours at all and has just basically opted out of being her dad hasn't he.