OK, i rarely post here any more, and i'm probably going to remember why once the answers start rolling in, but i'll try anyway.
I've name changed for this, so some of you will recognise me, but SD is nosing around on MN and i don't want her to find this.
I'm truly at the end of the line with my SD and the way my Dp parents her. Sd was thrown out of her mums at 11, and came to live at my house. At the time me and DP had not been together a massively long time, and he was estranged from SD, end result was i had met this girl 3 times, totalling maybe an hour before she lived with me, DP and my DD.
God knows i have tried. I know what happened was awful, and i tried my best to be good to her, even though it put terrible strain on everyone, and she was awful, but i tried to do the best i could with a clearly troubled child.
We got her into school and arranged counselling, and i honestly thought at some point we would see an end to her behaviour. She is still in counselling now.
Fast forward over 2 years, and my relationship with DP is, in my view, at breaking point over her. DP has indulged and indulged and indulged her, to the point that he has created a 14 year old monster, who rules this house and simply cannot be controlled.
Dp cannot be spoken to about her. I know he is also at the end of his tether with her, but any attempt by me to suggest implementing some rules and boundaries (which i think she is crying out for) is turned around on me as my "nastiness and uptight attitude to her". Its regularly thrown in my face that i'm not her mum, and therefore not my business how he parents her, however, today being an example in point, it was thrown in my face how i'm not helping him even when i can see he is struggling with her! He is always telling me how i dont care about her, and would be happy if she went back to her mums. Trouble is, i think DP would like her to go back to her mums, because he is just fucking this up day by day, and is pushing his guilt on to me.
He blames everyone else for her behaviour, but won't deal with anything that is bought to his attention. I have found fag ends in her room, and more recently, a negative pregnancy test which i told him about. His response? Well he can't prove the fag butts are hers, so he can't have a go at her, and he is sure that she probably hasn't had sex, and if she has, he's sure she's not pregnant! She's 14 FFS!!! And the test was done a week after her period, so she actually could be pregnant. He says he's not going to speak to her about it.
She has money thrown at her, and earns nothing. I am heavily pregnant, and he has not ONCE made her hoover or tidy up, i cook her meals, i clean and i shop, whilst looking after my 4 year old dd. Her weekends are regularly spent asleep, just coming out of her room to eat.
She rarely does a full week at school, she will tell DP she is ill, and DP won't make her go to school, he just covers for her. He allows her almost every weekend to have large sleepovers (parties) in our granny flat, where he is ok with them drinking and smoking (though apparently SD is the only one not doing that).
End result is she has become an awful child, who i am sorry to say i am begining to dislike. Me and DP do nothing but row over her, but its reached a point where i don't want to say anything about her behaviour, because it will come back and bite me on the arse, and somehow it will come down to me not being supportive/caring/interested enough. Whatever she has done, i can almost guarantee that the end result will be him yelling at me or not speaking to me, whilst what she actually did goes completely ignored, because i have/haven't said something.
I started trying to "disengage" a few weeks ago, for my own sanity as much as anything, but even that is wrong, because whilst i mustn't say anything about her or her behaviour or have any opinion on how we can change things i also mustn't be seen not to be involved. I am somewhat damned if i do and damned if i don't.
I am exhausted with it. It is like a war zone here. Every time it isn't quite going her way she has tempers and door slamming and tears and flouncing. She is continually rude, she lies, and she is light fingered (to the point that she is actually going through my drawers to take stuff, rather than just seeing things and "borrowing" them. She's going off the rails, her schoolwork and grades are going through the floor, she has lost another set of friends, and is fast reaching a point where no one wants to be her friend, her older sisters can't bear her and her behaviour and want nothing to do with her, and i've reached a point where i'm going to lose my temper with them all. SD is not easily likeable, and her own mother and grandparents struggle with her as well, so it is not all in my head. The last 3 weeks with her and upset over her boyfriend have been simply awful, and both DP and i are exhausted with her.
I am reaching a point where i don't know if i can have all this and have a new baby, and have my dd and continue to live here.
I appreciate she is a teenager, but she has been like this from day one, and even teens need to have some rules they obey. Telling her "no" just gets the reply "well im going to, i'll do what i want". I know my dd is only 4, and its regularly thrown at me that i "don't understand teens" which i will accept, but i know when my dd is 14 smoking, truanting and sleeping with her 17 year old boyfriend will not be just ignored.
Some how i seem to cop the flack for this all the time, and i no longer know what to do for the best here. I thought bit would get better with her, but despite counselling, and the attempt to give her a more stable homelife she actually seems to be getting worse.