Paying for a family holiday?

[CharleyAB]

Hi,

I'm a newbie so please be gentle with me! I don't know the correct abbreviations so thought I'd just write long hand. Sorry about that.

I have been with my bf for over three years. Although we have lived together for some of this time, we do not currently live together - he lives with his mum and dad and the children stay with him there on his weekends.

I have been part of his children's lives for just over a year now (it would have been much longer but his ex banned me for spending time with the children) and I love them both very much. On his weekends with the children I try and spend as much time as possible with them all and we always have a great time.

My bf and I keep having the same argument and I would really like your advice / opinion. He is very stubborn and says I am in the wrong - maybe I am, but I'd like someone else to give me their view before I put my hands up and say 'yes, i'm wrong'.

Our problem is money - more specifically, who pays for what when it comes to the children.

We would like to go on holiday in July with the children, just the four of us - me and him and his two children (I do not have any children of my own).
Let's say the holiday costs £1k, how much should I pay towards the holiday and how much should he? I don't want to come across as penny pinching and mean, i'll explain the issue...

He earns a lot more than me and although he does of course pay the csa he doesn't have to pay any rent or other major bills and has a company car and fuel card so doesn't have that expense either. The only monthly outgoings he has are his loan, buying food for us when he stays at my flat and small incidentals like mobile phone, sky and doing things on the weekend with his children. Whereas my outgoings include my rent and all other household bills (although the bf stays with me every night that he doesn't have his children, he doesn't contribute financially, apart from buying food every so often so he stays with me 12 nights out of 14 - I am not complaining about this btw). I have only just come out of a bankruptcy so trying to be really careful with my money and am terrified of going broke again. Just because I might have £200 disposable income at the end of the month, doesn't mean I want to spend it as soon as I can. So, as you can see, his disposable income is greater than mine.

So, taking the above into account, how much should I pay towards the holiday? Should it be 50:50? As we are in a relationship and should share costs, or should it be 25:75 (him paying for him and his children and me paying just for me?).

I really don't want to sound mean, I just can't afford £500 for a holiday.

I do pay for other things when it comes to the children, often buying meals and for activities. This just seems like such a huge expense...

Thank you so much for your time to read this,

Kind regards

C

PS. What would your stance be on buying furniture for the children's bedrooms should we move in together? Should I pay 50% for their furniture too?

Charley - if you've found a way forward that you're happy with, then that's great and I'm pleased for you.

Even if some of the circumstances you describe might not work for other people on this site, its YOUR life and you have to live it.

I admit that some of the things you said in earlier posts rang warning bells for me, but it's your choice and we don't walk in your shoes.

OK, if you're willing to gloss over him saying he can do much better than you and deserves better, then I guess we should too.
You actually sound a very sweet-natured person and I hope you're appreciated. Good luck to you all.

So... who's paying for the holiday Charlie?

All I want to ask is this

"He thinks I am not worthy enough to be with him anyway and has said he can do much better than me and he deserves better. He has said he will find someone who is prepared to contribute to it all."

Did he really say this, because if he did, you are just kidding yourself, a NICE man does not do this.

And also he DOES NOT BUY GROCERIES FOR YOU, he is living with you, you are living as a couple, albeit unofficially, so half of those groceries are for HIM, and NO, your bills are more because he is there.

This is incredibly sad, more so, because you simply cant see it.

Charley, is your DP reading your posts? :(

Charley, if nothing else, would you consider speaking to a counsellor about all of this (not just holiday) ? .... because what you've told us doesn't sit right, and your last post contradicts much of what you wrote before.

First, you don't owe him - or anyone else - anything because they have a relationship with you in spite of you having AS. So what ? You shouldn't have to feel "grateful" for someone's attention because you have a particular condition ..... presumably he entered into a relationship knowing this anyway, and it in no way excuses someone taking advantage.

I know it's hard to read stuff about your partner/relationship which is negative, but people haven't said what they've said because they have nothing better to do but be unpleasant, but because they're concerned for you, based on what you told us. A kind man doesn't tell you that he can "do better" - that's appalling and nasty. A kind man doesn't threaten to break up with you unless you put your hand in your pocket when he demands (i.e. him saying he'll "find someone who's prepared to contribute to it all" - which is pretty damn arrogant .... why should anyone automatically sub him ?). A kind man isn't someone you're scared to speak to or about.

You said yourself that he doesn't have any major bills, what with "officially" living at his mum's, and that he earns much more than you ... though you do go on to say he's paying off marital debt so I'm not sure what the real situation is. I do know that it's not uncommon for men who've lost it all in a divorce settlement to have to start again from scratch and therefore, if they start another relationship they won't be able to bring much to it financially. This does mean that some women choose to sub their partners in effect until they get back on their feet but this should always be something freely given - and respected - and not done under threat of breaking up if you don't agree. Furthermore, if he has so many existing financial obligations that he can't pay his way, why the hell is he contemplating a holiday at all because even "his" share would be a pretty penny and if he can manage that, then he should be able to pass that on to you for bills.

It isn't simply about your bills "being the same whether he's there or not" because invariably some bills will be affected by him, but it's a question of respect. If he's using all your amenities he should want to contribute .... which is what he'd have to do if he rented a flat of his own, and/or didn't have his parents' roof to fall back on. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but I strongly suspect you're not getting the full story about his finances .... if he "can't afford" to pay his fair share right now, then how would he pay this 50:50 he's talking about if you moved in together ? He may pay for groceries but I very much doubt that equates to a fair share of ALL the expenses you pay to live. And to all intents and purposes he lives there too .... would he be there much more if it was made "official" ?

I'm sorry but I think you're being very naiive if you truly believe this is a fair situation - though I'm also worried you're scared of losing him and that's why you're suddenly backtracking. You say you've only recently come out of bankruptcy so you're probably very vulnerable, ditto having AS may make you more susceptible (so far as I know) to being taken for a ride. Really think you need to discuss this with a trusted 3rd party rather than him. Of course he's going to try to convince you you're in the wrong because his cushty set up is threatened ........... yet you originally felt concerned enough to post about it at all which should tell you something.

Kind, caring and generous?

Do you want to read your own posts again? For goodness sake, have a bit of respect for yourself.