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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Paying for a family holiday?

82 replies

CharleyAB · 15/04/2012 22:20

Hi,

I'm a newbie so please be gentle with me! I don't know the correct abbreviations so thought I'd just write long hand. Sorry about that.

I have been with my bf for over three years. Although we have lived together for some of this time, we do not currently live together - he lives with his mum and dad and the children stay with him there on his weekends.

I have been part of his children's lives for just over a year now (it would have been much longer but his ex banned me for spending time with the children) and I love them both very much. On his weekends with the children I try and spend as much time as possible with them all and we always have a great time.

My bf and I keep having the same argument and I would really like your advice / opinion. He is very stubborn and says I am in the wrong - maybe I am, but I'd like someone else to give me their view before I put my hands up and say 'yes, i'm wrong'.

Our problem is money - more specifically, who pays for what when it comes to the children.

We would like to go on holiday in July with the children, just the four of us - me and him and his two children (I do not have any children of my own).
Let's say the holiday costs £1k, how much should I pay towards the holiday and how much should he? I don't want to come across as penny pinching and mean, i'll explain the issue...

He earns a lot more than me and although he does of course pay the csa he doesn't have to pay any rent or other major bills and has a company car and fuel card so doesn't have that expense either. The only monthly outgoings he has are his loan, buying food for us when he stays at my flat and small incidentals like mobile phone, sky and doing things on the weekend with his children. Whereas my outgoings include my rent and all other household bills (although the bf stays with me every night that he doesn't have his children, he doesn't contribute financially, apart from buying food every so often so he stays with me 12 nights out of 14 - I am not complaining about this btw). I have only just come out of a bankruptcy so trying to be really careful with my money and am terrified of going broke again. Just because I might have £200 disposable income at the end of the month, doesn't mean I want to spend it as soon as I can. So, as you can see, his disposable income is greater than mine.

So, taking the above into account, how much should I pay towards the holiday? Should it be 50:50? As we are in a relationship and should share costs, or should it be 25:75 (him paying for him and his children and me paying just for me?).

I really don't want to sound mean, I just can't afford £500 for a holiday.

I do pay for other things when it comes to the children, often buying meals and for activities. This just seems like such a huge expense...

Thank you so much for your time to read this,

Kind regards

C

PS. What would your stance be on buying furniture for the children's bedrooms should we move in together? Should I pay 50% for their furniture too?

OP posts:
olibeansmummy · 15/04/2012 22:37

You pay 25% he pays 75% no question. You don't have joint finances and you're not their step mum. As for furniture I'd say he pays for the initial set up and then once you have joint finances obviously it'll come out of your shared money. I think he's taking the piss tbh!

BrettDomino · 15/04/2012 22:43

Does he know about your bancruptcy and hence your (v sensible) attitude towards money? I'd say that if he does that he is being unfair and that given his financial position he should definitely be paying more than you for the holiday.

I suppose you need to decide whether going on rhe holiday is financially viable for you - even if you do split the costs of it what about the costs while you're there? Wouldn't be nice to have the holiday spoiled with bickering over who pays what.

purpleroses · 15/04/2012 23:07

I would have thought that he ought to pay most of it - possibly not quite 75% as adding the children on may not quite double the cost of your holiday (depending what you're doing) but I'm a bit [shocked] that he seems to be expecting you to pay for his kids - even though you don't have live together or share finances overall.

If you want to buy everyone a meal out or whatever on holiday, that's up to you - but the basic costs of transport and accommodation, he should be prepared to pay for his kids.

My BF and I each have kids - for holidays, he pays for his and I pay for mine. He has 4 and I only have 2, so he pays 5/8 of the cost. Seems fair to me.

Would have though with furniture for the kids bedrooms that he should pay 100%, or at the very least be prepared to. Whatever you choose to contribute is up to you, but your BF has a cheak expecting you to pay.

Clownsarescary · 15/04/2012 23:09

you're going on holiday with him and his dc's. Wouldn't kill him to pay for you would it?

theredhen · 16/04/2012 10:17

Seems to me that someone who can't provide a roof for his children, has a bit of a cheek expecting you to fork out to help him subsidise a luxury for his children.

I think I would tell him you can't afford it, don't get angry, just tell it as it is and that you won't be coming. Don't be emotionally blackmailed. You don't have to go and you don't have to pay for a luxury you can't afford.

His childrens furniture is up to him to fund. Even if you are living together, I still think he should be trying to finance things like that himself.

I think he is trying to insinuate that if you want to be with him, then you have to take on the financial responsibility of his kids. You don't have to! You can choose to, but no-where is it written that you have to.

My DP is a high earner but I pay for my DS. I don't want anyone else to pay for him, rightly or wrongly.

glasscompletelybroken · 16/04/2012 10:59

You are right - 100%. You have no financial responsibility for his children. he seems to be getting off pretty lightly anyway!

You should pay for yourself only but, as Clowns said, it wouldn't kill him to pay for you!

ladydeedy · 16/04/2012 11:02

Hmm. I would have a few questions about this myself.

He "lives with" his mum and dad but doesnt pay them anything, from what you've outlined above about his outgoings. However he is actually living at your place for the vast majority of the time without paying his fair share there either. And yet he expects you to pay more than your share for a "family" holiday.

As well as looking at how the holiday might be funded, I would seriously be considering your finances. If he is basically living with you (with the exception of the weekends when he has his children) then I think you need to broach the subject with him about paying his way.

I agree with redhen's comments above.

Petal02 · 16/04/2012 11:28

I agree with the other posters. You don't live together, you don't have shared finances, his financial commitments are pretty light anyway - so you should NOT be subsidising his children.

Just a quick question: why does he live with his parents?

Fooso · 16/04/2012 12:00

Agree with all. I live with my DP and his 2 and I have 1. When we go on holiday I pay for the flights for me and my son and we split the accomodation 50/50. I don't feel I should pay for his children and he shouldn't pay for mine. If I buy things for this girls, who I love, then I do it because I want to. If they need new beds etc - then he buys it.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 16/04/2012 12:15

He sounds like he's taking you and his parents for a ride tbh. Why doesn't he contribute towards his living costs? I mean like the rent on your flat that he stays in 12 days out of 14. Not his mobile or the occasional food shop. Hmm

You don't have joint finances and he doesn't share your bills with you or his parents but happily lives with you both when it suits him? So yes he should pay for everything for his children.

And you should sort out his financial contribution to your household if he wants to be there with you. No wonder he has significantly more disposable income than you!!

Don't let someone drag you down now when you've managed to come through something lke bankrupcy with a great and sensible attitude towards money.

Original poster
CharleyAB · 16/04/2012 13:21

"I think he is trying to insinuate that if you want to be with him, then you have to take on the financial responsibility of his kids. You don't have to! You can choose to, but no-where is it written that you have to."

This is exactly right and I think what he wants (me to share the financial responsibility). If I don't want to / won't take on the financial responsibility he won't live with me and if I don't pay half for the holiday rather than just for me I don't get to go on holiday with him and the children and he goes with his mum or whoever else will pay.

I'm not slating him or being negative about him, I love him very much. I posted yesteday as he is adamant this is a 'deal breaker' for our relationship and I wanted someone else to tell me that he is right and why he is right so I could understand better. I wasn't trying to cause an arguement with him or make one much worse. He is a great dad and a good person, I just don't agree with him about financial stuff but thought that maybe I was the one who didn't understand as I'm new to sharing finances regarding the children.

Thank you for all your messages, I do appreciate them, even though they will probably result in us splitting up!!!

OP posts:
ABatInBunkFive · 16/04/2012 13:24

He sounds like a twat tbh.

doihavetonamechange · 16/04/2012 13:26

He should pay, it would cost him almost the same as a single parent to take them because of the single person supplement and he wouldnt have someone to share the child care.

He is a free loader and Id get out of this while you can.

doihavetonamechange · 16/04/2012 13:26

"posted yesteday as he is adamant this is a 'deal breaker' for our relationship and I wanted someone else to tell me that he is right and why"

A DEAL breaker, definitely get rid.

Knob.

theredhen · 16/04/2012 13:28

He's emotionally blackmailing you.

I was with someone who scrounged off me, then expected me to "pay my way" whenever we went out etc. He also used to scrounge from his parents, siblings etc whilst always having a stuck up attitude that he was doing everyone else a favour, costing me money and then looking down on me when I didn't have enough money to "pay my way" or do fun things.

Best thing I did was to ditch him. I know he's scrounging off of someone else now and good luck to them.

It was a real revelation how much more money I had, when he had left my life!

Original poster
CharleyAB · 16/04/2012 13:30

Why does he live with his parents? Because after his divorce he had a huge bill from his solicitors (his ex played dirty, made him go to a contact centre after making up lots of lies which she has now dropped). He also got left with the marital debt. He was renting a flat but realised that he wouldn't be able to make any headway into dealing with the debt whilst he was paying all the monthly bills etc so decided the best thing for him to do was move back home where he could start saving and paying things off.

He does do tesco shops etc but that might be because I hate shopping so much and there is never much food in the house! He also helps out around the flat by cleaning and doing other things.

I think he gives his mum and dad a little bit of rent - a token gesture, but it isnt more than a couple of hundred pounds and probably just covers the food he and his children consume when they are staying there.

Asking him to pay towards some of the bills here will result in him moving out which isn't what i want :( I really don't want to upset him.

This is going to sound awful to him when he reads this. I am not trying to cause a row at all, I just don't want to put myself in a dodgy position financially and think it is grossly unfair that I have to pay so much towards things such as holidays. I have no issue about paying my way and buying things on the holiday but I don't want to pay for them to go on holiday :(

OP posts:
doihavetonamechange · 16/04/2012 13:33

Asking him to pay towards some of the bills here will result in him moving out which isn't what i want I really don't want to upset him.

Have you read this stuff back to yourself.

Are you seriously thinking of spending your life with someone you cant talk to for fear of upsetting him??

What about when you have your own children.

Take a read of this as if you were someone else, and see what you think then, put your friend head on and not your own.

This is not a good relationship, someone who spends 12 days a week with you but isnt contributing towards bills is freeloading, I think the mumsnet term is a cock lodger.

doihavetonamechange · 16/04/2012 13:34

Im just shaking my head at this. Its very sad :(

ErikNorseman · 16/04/2012 13:40

You tell him, 'yes I'd love to go on holiday with you but unfortunately I can't afford it. If you want to book something that includes me I'd love to be part of it and I'll bring £xxx towards the spending money'

If he doesn't accept that then he's an utter dick and it's only going to get harder.

By the way - he is living with you to all intents and purposes. He should be sharing your costs far more than he is now. I really don't understand your question about buying furniture for his kids. If you don't have the money you don't have the money. He'd expect you to skint yourself when he has plenty of money just to be 'fair'? Sounds like a gem Hmm

ErikNorseman · 16/04/2012 13:42

Asking him to pay towards some of the bills here will result in him moving out which isn't what i want I really don't want to upset him.

Oh FFS

Read that back to yourself and really try to see what's wrong with that. Fucking freeloading tosspot.

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2012 13:42

He is taking the piss big time.

In fact, he is cocklodging.

Do you have children op?

iloveACK · 16/04/2012 13:48

I'm so sorry for your situation CharleyAB & I would never normally say this, but it does sound like you'd be better off without him.

He should be paying his own way & definitely contributing more at yours as well as properly funding the holiday for his children. The poster who advised to read this as if it were a friend, not yourself, is right. Surely you would advise a friend in this position to value themselves more highly & not put up with this at all Sad.

Original poster
CharleyAB · 16/04/2012 13:48

One of his arguements for me contributing to things like holidays is - if we live together we will pay all bills 50:50, so I will have more disposable income too. I will then be able to use this spare money to help pay for things like holidays. If I have any spare money I'd rather save up for my own new bed and for a deposit for a house of my own one day. Not give it to him.

OP posts:
GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 16/04/2012 13:50

But why will he leave if you ask him to contribute to what he is benefitting from?

I understand if he finds it hard being in debt, and being screwed by an ex* must be an awful thing, but he's not just asking you to help support him (which I wouldn't even consider without significantly more commitment from him tbh) for a while so he can make his debt more managable and then start acting like an adult by paying his wn way. He's wants you to pay for holidays for his children!

*Also I'm not sure you can always believe things are as simple as 'my ex screwed me over' either. If you weren't there, you don't actually know what's happened. Unless he shows you all his financial/court papers of course.

ErikNorseman · 16/04/2012 13:51

we will pay all bills 50:50

But you do live together already, and you pay all bills 100:0. He's talking shite. In any case if a couple lives together it is usual and fair to leave both with a similar amount of money leftover. This may mean one pays 75% of the bills as they earn significantly more. Paying 50:50 when you earn a lot less isn't necessarily fair.

His 'argument' is bollocks, and makes him sound very mean and unreasonable. You also don't sound very committed OP - talking about buying yourself a bed and saving for a house of your own - not building a future together (wise IMO)