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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Paying for a family holiday?

82 replies

CharleyAB · 15/04/2012 22:20

Hi,

I'm a newbie so please be gentle with me! I don't know the correct abbreviations so thought I'd just write long hand. Sorry about that.

I have been with my bf for over three years. Although we have lived together for some of this time, we do not currently live together - he lives with his mum and dad and the children stay with him there on his weekends.

I have been part of his children's lives for just over a year now (it would have been much longer but his ex banned me for spending time with the children) and I love them both very much. On his weekends with the children I try and spend as much time as possible with them all and we always have a great time.

My bf and I keep having the same argument and I would really like your advice / opinion. He is very stubborn and says I am in the wrong - maybe I am, but I'd like someone else to give me their view before I put my hands up and say 'yes, i'm wrong'.

Our problem is money - more specifically, who pays for what when it comes to the children.

We would like to go on holiday in July with the children, just the four of us - me and him and his two children (I do not have any children of my own).
Let's say the holiday costs £1k, how much should I pay towards the holiday and how much should he? I don't want to come across as penny pinching and mean, i'll explain the issue...

He earns a lot more than me and although he does of course pay the csa he doesn't have to pay any rent or other major bills and has a company car and fuel card so doesn't have that expense either. The only monthly outgoings he has are his loan, buying food for us when he stays at my flat and small incidentals like mobile phone, sky and doing things on the weekend with his children. Whereas my outgoings include my rent and all other household bills (although the bf stays with me every night that he doesn't have his children, he doesn't contribute financially, apart from buying food every so often so he stays with me 12 nights out of 14 - I am not complaining about this btw). I have only just come out of a bankruptcy so trying to be really careful with my money and am terrified of going broke again. Just because I might have £200 disposable income at the end of the month, doesn't mean I want to spend it as soon as I can. So, as you can see, his disposable income is greater than mine.

So, taking the above into account, how much should I pay towards the holiday? Should it be 50:50? As we are in a relationship and should share costs, or should it be 25:75 (him paying for him and his children and me paying just for me?).

I really don't want to sound mean, I just can't afford £500 for a holiday.

I do pay for other things when it comes to the children, often buying meals and for activities. This just seems like such a huge expense...

Thank you so much for your time to read this,

Kind regards

PS. What would your stance be on buying furniture for the children's bedrooms should we move in together? Should I pay 50% for their furniture too?

OP posts:

Original poster

CharleyAB · 16/04/2012 13:52

About the furniture question - I don't think he has any furniture for the children's bedrooms for when / if we move in together so he is going to have to buy it all (his 6yr old son currently sleeps in his bed with him). We had an arguement because he wanted me to contribute towards the furniture which I disagreed with. I think we have now resolved this and he is paying for this himself. (sorry, I forgot this was how the arguement was concluded).

OP posts:

ABatInBunkFive · 16/04/2012 13:54

Paying bills 50/50 i'd be well gone, very arrely is 50/50 the fairest way of a split, infact i'm willing to bet he'd be much better of if you are paying 50% of everything whereas you would be worse off.

Do yourself a favour and i never say this but seriously leave the fucker.

Petal02 · 16/04/2012 13:57

?if I don?t want to/won?t take on the financial responsibility he won?t live with me? - he?s got all of this the wrong way round.

Couples who live apart don?t usually have shared finances, and it?s almost like he wants to test your financial commitment to see if you?re ?worthy? of being allowed to live with him. Rather than starting to live together, and then gradually blending finances. It?s like he expects you to buy your way into living together.

(The principle reminds me of my ex-husband ?if you move back home, I?ll consider giving up my bit-on-the-side? ? he too got it all the wrong way round!)

However if he considers this a deal-breaker, then you?re better off without him.

Original poster

CharleyAB · 16/04/2012 14:03

Hi GravyHadALumpyMashBaby, I was there at the time of their divorce as I moved in as his lodger after she moved out. We started our relationship a few months after I moved in. He was able to see his son before the ex knew about me living with him (as the lodger) but as soon as she found out about me she banned him from seeing his son, made up stories about him being violent and stopped him seeing the son for about 9 months. He also missed the birth of his daughter and wasnt allowed to meet her until she was over four months old as the ex claimed he was too 'dangerous' or something equally mad. He is not dangerous at all. He is a great dad.

She was offered a really generous financial settlement which she agreed to before she moved out, then as soon as she knew about me (just being the lodger still at this point!!) she took the divorce and the issue of him not seeing the children to the solicitors which then cost him many tens of thousands of pounds. In the end she got less than she would have done if she would have taken the originally agreed settlement and my bf ended up very much in debt as he had to fight to see the children and for the financial side. (and yes, I saw all letters received and sent).

We don't have any children together.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharleyAB · 16/04/2012 14:09

He thinks I am not worthy enough to be with him anyway and has said he can do much better than me and he deserves better. He has said he will find someone who is prepared to contribute to it all. If I had a million pounds in the bank I would pay 50:50, but I don't :(

OP posts:

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 16/04/2012 14:12

Ok, so him not paying his way is a temporary arragement whilst he gets in a more manageable state then? He can't live off you and his parents forever.
And please God do not start paying for his children aswell! If he's in that much debt why on earth is he even considering a family holiday anyway? I didn't have holidays as a child because my mum couldn't afford it. It's just life.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 16/04/2012 14:14

Not worthy???

Leave the bastard. Honestly. I'm now not feeling so bad at him being taken to the cleaners
He obviously has form.

doihavetonamechange · 16/04/2012 14:17

Just get rid of him, he isnt worth it, lose the sad face and start getting very, very angry.

You DO NOT deserve someone who treats you like this.

Knob.

theredhen · 16/04/2012 14:17

Charley,

If you had a million pounds in the bank, you still shouldn't have to keep him!!

Do you really want to be with someone who has so little regard for you as a person?!

This isn't about money, this is about a massive amount of disrespect for you as a person.

Let him find his next victim to scrounge off of. You deserve better!

NatashaBee · 16/04/2012 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eglu · 16/04/2012 14:22

He sounds like a total cock lodger and has got you eight where he wants you.

You won't rock the boat because you don't want him to leave you? Doe he have any redeeming features?

Roseformeplease · 16/04/2012 14:26

Might be out of date here and I have never been in this situation myself but...my friend A got included in her partner's CSA payments because he lived with her. They were not married but he was there the bulk of the week so she was assessed for his payments. Why is he with you 12/14 days (ie only not there when children are staying) and not paying half of your bills? Is it to avoid CSA involvement? He should pay for himself and his children. If you can't discuss this then he is not the man for you.

doihavetonamechange · 16/04/2012 14:29

rose yes thats completely out of date, a partners income hasnt been included for CSA purposes for a very long time now.

AmnesiaCustard · 16/04/2012 14:33

Ok, so he gives ghis mum and dad a "couple of hundred pounds" which pays for the food he and his children consume 2 days out of 14? Have I got that right?
Just how much does he eat and that being the case, how much more should he be contributing to your household bills?

I know you don't to lose him, but he really does sound like he's got a very easy life with you. Please put your reality head on!

RoadToNowhere · 16/04/2012 14:39

So if you don't / can't pay towards his children going on hol he will find someone else to go who will pay - such as his Mum?
The common factor here is paying. So he'll go with the person who will pay, first and foremost. Not you, his beloved partner.
If you can't / won't pay for his kids, why can't he just go on his own with the kids? or is help with the childcare a factor in his planning, too?

As for' if he lives with you he'll contribute to bills' - well, that's then (IF you move into gether on a formal sense). Now, you don't, and he doesn't contribute and you don't have any extra money!

And even if you do move in together I'm not sure you should be 50% responsible for his children's expenses.

Money is one of the fastest routes to a big fall out. You are already in disagreement, and feeling you can't be open about it for fear of upsetting him, before you have formalised your relationship. Be very very careful.

purpleroses · 16/04/2012 14:43

If I was you, and I had a million pounds in the bank, I would still want him to expect to pay for his own kids. Anything that you choose to spend on them, as a (part-time) step parent is up to you. It should never be taken for granted. As their dad's girlfriend you have no rights at all over the kids - so it's not right to expect you to pay for them just because you are in a relationship with their dad.

Might be a bit different if you lived as a household and shared your finances completely, but you're not doing yet.

I'm moving in with DP soon, but with all the complexities of DCs from previous relationships, we don't intend to share finances any time soon, if ever. DP earns loads of money and I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with him - but it is fundamentally not his responsibility to support my DCs. If he chooses to contribute things for them, that would be lovely, but it is entirely his choice, and not something I would expect (and certainly not threaten to walk out over if he didn't want to!)

Roseformeplease · 16/04/2012 14:46

Doihaveto. Thanks. Didn't want to confuse anyone but I remember her being very upset about it. Good that they have changed that. Still suspicious of him "living" with parents and the money thing.

Kaluki · 16/04/2012 15:14

He thinks I am not worthy enough to be with him anyway and has said he can do much better than me and he deserves better.

That in itself is enough for me to say leave the bastard! How dare he?

It is him who doesn't deserve you.

Freeloading sanctimonious bastard!!!

Amateurish · 16/04/2012 15:29

Sorry, I'm a bit confused by "if we live together we will pay all bills 50:50, so I will have more disposable income too".

So is the proposed 50/50 holiday split part of an overall 50/50 joint bills split when you move in together. If so, that seems reasonable within the context of the two of you splitting all costs together equally. Which would include all accommodation costs.

Your DP is getting slated for freeloading etc and you say he earns a decent wage. But is a lot of that getting eaten up by his loan for divorce costs, meaning that he has very little disposable?

doctordwt · 16/04/2012 15:29

Good god.

He is a total parasite, isn't he? I bet he's pissed off and confused about the holiday thing - sounds like between you and his parents he's got so used to being carried (yes he does live with you btw, and contributes nothing) that he can't quite believe that he should actually contribute anything. To anyone.

Lucky that he thinks he could do so much better - that makes two of you. Please, please dump this leech and move on!

ladydeedy · 16/04/2012 15:33

By saying what he did, i.e. that you are not worthy and that he can and should do better than being with you, he is basically saying that he doesnt care about you as a person (sorry, but that is what he means, in my view) and will jump ship (if not already actively looking) when someone he deems "worthy" comes along. Presumably someone with disposable income that he can get his hands on.

Please cut your losses OP, regain your dignity and self esteem, and value yourself as a person by getting rid of this man who is clearly manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you.

theredhen · 16/04/2012 15:41

Amateur,

Yes, a 50/50 split will mean that she has more disposable income IF THEY LIVE TOGETHER. However, is it right that he then dictates that she spend that extra money on his kids?!!

They are not living together now, she is keeping him and yet, he still wants to get his hands on her disposable income whilst also making sure her disposable income is lower than it should be by freeloading 12 days out of 14.

Whilst he is getting a free roof over his head, he's not going to be in any hurry to "officially" move in is he? Horror of horrors he might actually have to support himself and his own kids.

I bet the story of being taken to the cleaners by his ex, is a fabrication of the truth, more like she kept him for years whilst he sponged off her and then he acts the hard done by one when she didn't cough up 50% at the time of divorce.

bronze · 16/04/2012 15:41

Pretend you didn't start this thread and read it. What would you tell the op?

I'm guessing something like split up with the cock lodger

chelen · 16/04/2012 16:38

Before I lived with DP, he paid for his son. Once I moved in and we were one household, we pooled everything so were both paying, but if I had moved out again then my DP would have been able to revert to supporting his son alone. But you are saying your DP can't support his kids unless you help him - which is a step too far I think.

I think this sounds a really dodgy set up, he needs to get himself into a position where he can do what is necessary for his kids before you go anywhere near setting up home for him IMO.

He doesn't sound like the best prospect for LTR at the moment tbh!

Smum99 · 16/04/2012 16:59

Red Flags waving all over the place...please tell us you are not considering a future with this man. He is judging you by your financial worth - nothing else. Don't let this happen.

How old are you? I hate to feel that you are being conditioned to think this is 'normal'.

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