Advice sought - I'm new to all this step-parenting stuff!

[Jaimo78]

Well I've been seeing my girlfriend for six months now, and despite her being a few years older we're like best friends, soulmates etc and feel like we've known each other forever.

She has two kids 22, and 15 as well as a young grandchild. Their father makes absolutely no effort to get involved with his children, other than spending an odd hour or so with his daughter once in a blue moon.

Her grandchild thinks the world of me as does her son, and the feeling is mutual. To be honest I thought he'd be the harder to get to know and for him to accept me, but he's already told me I've done more and made more of an effort than his father ever did for him and he's made up for his mum and I (a proper lump in throat moment which has made all the effort taste feel well and truly worth it.)

Now the girlfriend almost waits on her daughter whom I'm conviced is a proper little Diva. The daughter does no chores and is literally waited on hand and foot by mum, but I am trying to change that and my girlfriend knows she's being walked all over whilst spoiling her too. I reckon that this may make me seem like the big bad wolf.

The daughters room is a constant mess and she won't tidy it and it's all left for mum to do, she even makes a mess around the house and mum or I are left to tidy it up. She won't even eat proper foods and insists on a seperate meal being cooked of mostly savoury dishes pizza's etc and drinks to be served to her. She won't eat fruit or veg so I've asked my girlfriend to make sure she at least gets her on vitamins etc it's not ideal but it's a start.

I suspect she maybe suffering a few health issues concerning her diet in terms of time of the month issues, is this a possibility?

We went to a family do for my girlfriends family last weekend and the daughter went straight into the house leaving me to carry her bumper supply of easter eggs and bags etc, to which I suggested she was extracting the urine.

I fully understand that my girlfriend should put her kids first and it is essentially early days but surely "we" should be a priority too? Last night her daughter suggested that she wanted to spend more time with mum on her own, we see each other at weekends and maybe 2 or 3 evenings a week.

Two weeks ago I took them all bowling and for a meal and everyone had a great time, and I suggested that mum and daughter spend a night or two together in the week and we'd all maybe do something together at the weekend.

Now I can tell that the daughter likes me her smile is a dead giveaway, but after working so hard in terms of love, time and effort on my part I'm afraid of being pushed out a little here.

I'm unhappy with our lives being dictated to by a 15 year old girl who is afraid of losing her slave/skivvy who I even run around to various dance classes to make life easier for mum.

Does this sound unreasonable on my part? and what are your thought's I need feedback here as I want to do the right thing for everyone concerned and I know we'd all be really happy together?

Months.

. Being?

6 months of dating is nothing. The dd has 15 years on you with her mum. She is atm 'asking' for more time with her mum - respect that. Ime dd's at this age (GCSEs, friendships/relationships, growing up) need their mums more than ever, not less, and may not respond to suddenly having a father-figure that they didn't ask for suddenly in their lives. It sounds like they have been very accepting so far and that you must be doing something right too, but this is a steady, steady process that doesn't need too much boat-rocking.

You should only just be meeting her children at 6 months, not deciding how this family should run.

Your girlfriend is a fool if she allows you to behave in this manner.

Outrageous!

I can understand how you feel to see your girlfriend walked all over like that, but if the two of them have always been like that then you really cannot come in and expect to change everything, it really is not your place to and she will begin to resent you if she sees you have persuaded her slave Mum to be tougher on her.

Perhaps approach this from a different angle, - instead of telling your girlfriend to do less for her/make her do more chores (which while she might agree with you, - I suspect she will not want to hear you running her daughter down), approach the girl yourself with 'your Mum does so much for everyone, - especially you - it would be really helping her if you could take on doing X'

Once you've had that discussion if she expects you to fetch and carry for her then you can gently/jovially remind her that you are not her butler either.

Tread carefully.

Thanks for that, I do fully appreciate it has been a short period of time and it's taking a lot of effort on my part, but the end result I reckon will be good for us all. I also understand teenage girls etc because I have two younger sisters.

I just want to make sure that I'm not boat rocking too much hence me taking responsibility and seeking advice etc. Is it plausable that she's trying to test the extenet she can push/control me as she does mum?

I am doing, trust me. I've even suggested she earns pocket money from chores etc. The issue is they're her kids, and it's her house I'm just doing the best I can for them all!

Agree with everything FashionEater said.

And in answer to your last question OP, of course it is plausible for the DD to be seeing how far she can push you - she's a 15 year old girl who has just had a strange man (no offence intended) pushed on to her. I am sure she is doing everything she can to push the boundaries and affirm her mother's love for her. Don't be surprised if it gets worse.

Listen to what the DD says. I actually think it is very mature of her to ask for some more time with her mother. If you see your GF 2-3 evenings a week and at weekends, it doesn't leave an awful lot of time for the mother & daughter to spend time alone (given that the DD is at school).

Space, time, allowances and do your best not to interfere in arrangements which have stood in place for many many years before you came on to the scene.

6 months in terms of dating is nothing. I only met my stepson after his father and I had been dating for 9 months and only then it would be for a few hours at a time for several months.

I fully agree with everything being said, I am here for advice and guidance. I'm helping my girlfriend out where I can!

I have found KeepTheChange's comment bizarre and somewhat offensive, neither of us are fools, you don't know either of us and I'm only offering guidance where it feels apt.

Jaimo I hate to break it to you but if you're taking on the role of a step-parent you're going to have to toughen up if you think that was offensive

Step-parents are not exactly top of the food chain around here or anywhere for that matter.

meant in the nicest possible way

Very likely she is testing you - teenagers do anyway of their parents anyway - and anyway who wouldn't in her shoes?

Parents usually are running them around/mum&dad taxi service a bit at that age, tempering it a bit with 'get the bus' to encourage independence - so that's not unusual. I be tempted to suggest to your gf that she doesn't touch her dd's bedroom/zone it off. Am assuming gf's dd also gets an allowance, and again, I'd suggest she does household chores to earn it, as a way of encouraging greater independence, but it is still down to her mum how she chooses to proceed with her dd.

You don't have to be her slave as you think her mum is, but selective deafness/no reaction to provocation and good humour go a long way. If dd thinks you're a good bloke then imo use that to gradually facilitate change rather than laying down the law, "give an old man a hand with this shopping..." and offering some praise when she does good.

But the others are right, you have moved very rapidly to be in any kind of position to be influencing the household.

Far too many 'anyways' in that post!

Cheers for that, I do appreciate the speed things have progressed and I do tackle everything in a joking way, rather than as a lawbringer. Thanks again FashionEaster for the good comments!

I always offer praise and I understand the shouty bits have to come from "Mum" rather than me, and my girlfriend realises she does far too much for them. Especially getting drinks etc when the kitchen is no-more than a few meters away.

My girlfriends family have all commented on how much happier she is and that she's much more like her old self, and they think I'm really good for her. Equally she's good for me which I think is why things have progressed as quick as they have done!

My partner thought I did too much for my son, but as the other ladies have said instead of telling me so he gently encouraged him to pull his weight in the house. Even that made me bristle sometimes - it has worked though - but believe it was a delicate process - a minefield in fact. We've been together 3 years - and I still don't like it when he criticises my son! so beware :)

Thanks Fooso, I am trying to make things as easy for everyone and my girlfriend is the first to admit she does far too much specifically for her daughter. I don't criticise so much, but make a joke of it. Making remarks like are you sure you can reach that when it's on the table infront of her.

Lisaro I'm doing my best not to interfere or disrupt anything I'm unsure why the negative comment I am merely here for advice?

I was trying to approach this as if you were a woman who was dating a man who was letting his children rule the roost as I feel that you would be getting less of a bad time about it. Most of us on this board know what it is to have experienced a situation where we enter in to a relationship with someone who has children only to find that they are completely "princessed" by their Dad's (who we refer to here as "Disney Dads"!).
There is a lot of sympathy on this board for people in that situation because it is bloody frustrating and at times seems hopeless. Not only do you worry for the children who are being brought up in this way, but you fear for your own relationship ? not to mention sanity! When being treated as a second class citizen in your own home.
HOWEVER, as others have said? six months!!!!!??? How long was your partner single before she met you? If her children are used to have her to themselves it is hardly surprising that they will be put out by your arrival despite the fact that they like you very much and are no doubt pleased for their mum. Add to that fact, you are also trying to undermine their Mum?s parenting skills and calling to question everything they have had, and probably been happy with, until this point.
You need to tread very, very carefully here. In time there will be right moments to ask for a bit more respect (if of course it doesn?t come naturally) and of course your relationship is important too. But for now you need to sit back and adopt a clever little method that we like to call ?detach, detach, detach? How do you think they coped without vitamins before you came on the scene?!
When you are living in the house, if you are buying the food and cooking the meals and you don?t want to pander to their ridiculous eating habits, then so bit it ? put your foot down. That is your right. But at the moment you will do no good to anyone party by pushing your rules on to people who you barely know, don?t live with and aren?t responsible for.
In regard to the way they expect you to do things for them ? if it is blatant rudeness then of course let them know it isn?t something you will tolerate. Many step parents make the mistake of trying to do everything to please their new stepchild and be their best friend only to make a rod for their own back, so there?s no need to suck up to them and go along with things you?re not comfortable with. But do it gently, and don?t expect their Mum to follow suit.
Another point is not to get too hung up on the Dad. He may well be a feckless prick but stewing over it or using it to prove how much better you are will do your sanity no favours either. There is no excuse for not seeing his kids and it?s piss-poor but with respect (I?m sorry, I hate that phrase) you don?t have your own children and it may be that things you think are obvious and easy actually aren?t when you are parenting day by day. I thought alsorts of things about my friends and family as parents before I had children (e.g. ?I can?t believe they use a dummy? ?I can?t believe they let them eat MacDonalds? etc.) but as you will find out, being a full time parent is a very tricky business.
Good luck with it all and do come back regularly.

I'm not very impressed actually, at the insinuation that the reason I am aghast at this situation is because I hate step parents.

I think it is foolish in the extreme to bring a man into your family when you have only known him for 6 months, and then stand by as he tries to rearrange the dynamic of that family - especially when the child is 15 years old, a notoriously difficult age.

It's too much, it's disrespectful and it smacks of a controlling personality.

Thanks, my partner had been single almost two years and I am honoured to have been the first to have met her kids so I do understand it's awkward for them to adapt. I've been in the same situation as a kid. I am not forcing my ideas on the kids, more suggesting alternatives. I do understand fully that they aren't mine, to discipline or raise etc and wouldn't dream of telling her how to bring her kids but feel I've a right to say when the urine is being extracted to her, alone and make suggestions.

I was concerned about the daughters poor diet and suggested vitamins to her Mum as she eats no fruit or veg etc. I do find it ridiculous to cook two seperate meals though, and I am a fantastic cook if I do say so myself.

It genuinely frustrates me that the father makes no effort with his kids. From what I've been told by family members it sounds like she was a single mum/wife who had to be subserviant to her husband, and I've been told of times of domestic violence towards her infront of the kids.

I've been told and thanked by her family that I've been great for her and she's much happier and like her old self, which to me is fantastic to hear from her family members. Her son has said the same and we genuinely do get on, and I get on with her daughter but I think she's trying the Diva card a little too much.

KeepTheChange I am the least controlling person you'd ever meet and if you've nothing nice to say, or helpful to add I'd please ask you to search other posts.

If you don't like my posts, please report them. I am perfectly entitled to say that the way you are behaving could be interpreted as "controlling". Bloody Hell, 6 months into the relationship shouldn't you still be going out on dates and having a good time? Rather than decided your girlfriend's daughter is a bit too much of a diva?

I'm prefectly happy here thanks.

You have the right to an opinion on a public forum, I'd just say I'm merely asking for advice so I do my best by them all! But I wouldn't say calling people stupid or controlling when you've never met them is helpful.

Please read my posts again.

Again, if you feel I have personally attacked you please feel free to report my posts.

I haven't used the word stupid. I do believe that you, and your girlfriend are behaving foolishly, and am somewhat amazed that neither you nor her seem to realise this.

Ahh - it's this sentence I think that says where you're going wrong:

but feel I've a right to say when the urine is being extracted to her, alone and make suggestions.

NO you don't. You have NO rights whatsoever - you are living in her house and they are her kids. You chose to move in, the kids had no choice, and frankly you should have moved in with the attitude that you were moving into the status quo - not with the attitude that you don't like certain aspects of it and you have a right to protest about those aspects.

And yep 6 months is way too early. I assume you're paying rent and doing you share of housework by the way?